"Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life."
On the morning of July 7, I received a phone call from one of my cousins- my mom's twin's oldest daughter. She and her older brother are really the only people on that side of my family I care to stay in touch with- aside from my grandparents.
The timing of the call was odd. The 9am phone call made my stomach drop. Something was wrong. I felt the panic in my veins as I answered. I could hear the heart wrenching breaks in her voice as she told me that she "had bad news".
"What happened, Hun?" I asked as my brain raced through all the possible tragedies I could expect right now.
I couldn't believe what she told me. I asked her again, hoping for another answer as everything started to blur out. I could feel my legs start to give out around the time I felt my boyfriend move me to the couch.
I sit in cold disbelief as I listen to my 19 year old cousin explain to me that her big brother commit suicide the night before. My favorite cousin. The other oldest.
"Im on my way." I told her as I hung up the phone.
The next week was pretty much a blur. As has been the past 2 months after that. Seeing the backlash of the family drama. Watching the underlying truths of the state of his mind and his life unfold has been mindblowing. Seeing someone who deserved so much fall into the pits of so much pain.
I've experienced a lot of death in the last 5 years. My best friend and my stepdad died within two weeks of each other. My mom died suddenly a year after that. My husband lost his grandfather and then his own dad two weeks after my mom.
It's all been terrible and tragic. Each one comes with their own load of pain and struggles. But nothing has ripped me apart quite like this.
A week after my cousin died, the whole world heard about Chester Bennington hanging himself also. Not only was he the lead singer of one of my cousins favorite bands, we played one of his songs at his funeral not even a week prior to that. Along with the number of suicides, I see all of the rioting of the white supremacists and people coming forward with all their hatred and judgement of each other, feeling completely justified and reasonable in their judgements.
I have never felt anger the likes of this before. Explosively violent anger at the state of the world. People's lack of compassion and will to understand each other sickens me to no end. Two of the greatest human beings I have ever known are gone because of careless selfishness of the people around them. And now on seeing this on a grander scale, I feel a hopelessness like no other.
Meanwhile, over the past several years, my husband and I have built a life and a massive poly support system far beyond anything I could ever deserve. Within all the hardship and struggles has come consistent love and understanding. Our current family situation is now over 2 years old and stronger and tighter than ever. They have been the primary ones pointing out my unhealthy state of mind. Holding me accountable for my explosive anger, no matter how drastic and damaging my mistakes have been.
And then I look back out at the world again and still want to burn everything down.