Asking For Trouble

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tjbjab123

Banned
Being territorial is a natural feeling in a relationship. If you've ever watched shows about animals in the wild, you've probably seen male animals fighting each other for the right to mate with the female.
The polyamorous lifestyle may be hot fantasy or conversation to have with your partner, but as a man particularly, I know talking about it, and actually doing it are miles apart.
The bad. The potential consequences. These things far outweigh any good that could come from it.
 

Emm

Stealth Mod
It's a good thing all three of my boyfriends are civillised human beings rather than wild animals, then.

If you're just here to play concern troll and stir up trouble, save yourself the effort and go elsewhere.
 

tenK

New member
Meh.

Those who say it cannot be done, probably shouldn't interrupt those doing it. And so on.
 

Inthedark

New member
To an extent I agree as I struggle with being territorial. The difference is that modern humans have the capacity to reason. If a territorial male understands that this lifestyle is truly what his partner wants, he will use his ability to reason as well as open and honest communication to make things work. It really bothers me sometimes to know that my partner wants to have relationships with other men. However, I defeat negative feelings by trying to be in control of my emotions. When jealousy strikes, I find the root emotion of that feeling and I do my best to control it. I accentuate the positive (she will come home to me, or I am her primary) rather than the negative (I fear that she will leave me). All that said, it is not for me to judge her and her choices. It is also no one else's business. If one has had a negative experience with the open lifestyle there are a couple of options. 1) Move on. 2) Work it out. 3) Come to a forum like this one and seek the advice of a ton of well meaning folks (it works!). 4) Most importantly, communicate with the poly partner and possibly find a relationship counselor to help. One thing that is not an option... Judging others and telling them they are wrong.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Being territorial is a natural feeling in a relationship. If you've ever watched shows about animals in the wild, you've probably seen male animals fighting each other for the right to mate with the female.
The polyamorous lifestyle may be hot fantasy or conversation to have with your partner, but as a man particularly, I know talking about it, and actually doing it are miles apart.
The bad. The potential consequences. These things far outweigh any good that could come from it.

We aren't lions or hippos. We are related to bonobo chimps. Try reading up on them.
 

tjbjab123

Banned
Let's Not Get All Sensitive

For men who can handle that type of relationship, good for them!
I wonder though. If statistics are true that the majority of men think about sex 70% of the day, while the majority of women think about sex 30% of the day, then based on those numbers, I could make the argument that it should be understood that men can cheat, however, women cannot, and that women should accept that.
 

Spork

Active member
I can find an online source for "statistics" that will back up pretty much ANY position that I might want to try and argue.

I have found, contrary to internet forum protocol (especially that of trolls) that my own personal observations hold more weight in my understanding of the world than any "statistics" and that my assessments of things are often very accurate.

I don't believe that the average male thinks about sex 70% of the day or that the average female thinks of sex 30% of the day, and even if they did, I couldn't care less what the "average" anybody does with anything ever. There is a vast variance in the human experience.

Anyone who says that there is only one right way to be, and feels threatened by the fact that others do something different, or thinks something CAN NOT WORK because it wouldn't work for them specifically, is being revoltingly myopic and pointlessly, hopelessly judgmental. I'd easily dismiss it instead of being disgusted...except that human cultures have waged war over this "My way is The Right Way and all other ways are a threat to my worldview" mentality.

Don't want your woman to be poly? Seek one who is mono. There are plenty of 'em out there. Contrary to the Facebook clickbait articles, poly is not "the future of relationships." People gonna do what people gonna do. Personally, my 18 years of faithful monogamy was the biggest mistake of my lifetime.
 

tjbjab123

Banned
Impulse

As human beings, we suppress feelings very often to avoid or escalating conflict with others. I'm sure we've all had a person or two in our lifetimes that have made us so mad that we say "I'd love to kill that person"..........But do we? Well, if you're reading this then you haven't, because those who can suppress those feelings understand the consequences.
There's nothing wrong with loyalty in a relationship.
 

tjbjab123

Banned
I've yet to meet one poly who's actually happy. And I've met many.
I think it's a cop-out. I think instead of honestly addressing your fear of being hurt, it's easier to just begin an open relationship with someone rather than "feel".
 

tenK

New member

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi tjbjab123,

Have you read the book, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá? You should check it out.

Re (from tjbjab123):
"I've yet to meet one poly who's actually happy. And I've met many."

LOL, really? You can rejoice then, here's one happy poly right here.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Ravenscroft

Banned
I've yet to meet one poly who's actually happy. And I've met many.
I think it's a cop-out. I think instead of honestly addressing your fear of being hurt, it's easier to just begin an open relationship with someone rather than "feel".
Wow. I started out expecting I'd have to discount half what you said. I was overly generous.:D

Now, don't go getting All Sensitive or anything.;) However, you're splodging your prejudices as though they were somehow facts to be accepted on the mere basis of your authority (which has yet to materialize). I could easily take your statements & more readily prove that monogamy & marriage are utter rubbish & nothing but a shared delusional state.

You're welcome to your prejudices, but nobody else has to accept them as having further validity.

If there is demonstrable reasoning & even some credible facts, you might manage to elevate your prejudices to opinions. That still will not make them universal Truth.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
@ tjbjab123 ... can I ask, have you been personally hurt by an open/poly experience? If you'd be willing to talk about that here, perhaps I could help.

By the way, there is a thread on this forum, Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness. You should read it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

anomaly

New member
If this is your opinion, then what are you doing in a Polyamory forum? :p

Being territorial is a natural feeling in a relationship. If you've ever watched shows about animals in the wild, you've probably seen male animals fighting each other for the right to mate with the female.
The polyamorous lifestyle may be hot fantasy or conversation to have with your partner, but as a man particularly, I know talking about it, and actually doing it are miles apart.
The bad. The potential consequences. These things far outweigh any good that could come from it.
 

Spork

Active member
I commented on an article on Facebook not long ago that was drawing fire from people with similar statements.

First off...there are plenty of poly situations that don't work out. There are far more monogamous ones that don't. This would be due to sample size. The challenges that face poly relationships are also applicable to monogamous ones. Not being honest with self and/or others. Not communicating well. Not making time to nurture the relationships (poor time management.) Etc.

I've seen poly groups explode in a meltdown of drama and hissyfits.

I've seen poly groups thrive happily for years and years.

I've seen people have anarchy, heirarchies, vee's, quads, communes, open marriages, swinger arrangements, and holy smokes everything under the sun. I've seen poly folks act as carefree adults having sexy fun, and I've seen them operate as loyal closed families and raise beautiful, happy, healthy children. I've seen good, bad and ugly.

Kinda human nature. It takes all kinds.

But I've seen both glorious success and horrific failure in monogamous relationships, too. I've seen cheating, divorce, no end of harm to kids, deception and tears, abuse and humiliation, all kinds of ruin. I've seen some couples last to old age...sometimes happily, often not.

I'd be very curious if the OP is coming from a position with a personal experience prompting this, or just generally attempting to go on a forum devoted to a particular thing and tell everyone, "Hey, that thing you're all here to discuss...IT'S BAD!" :confused:
 

tjbjab123

Banned
I've never been in an open relationship. I've had three long-term relationships my entire life. Each one failed. In between those relationships, I messed around with many women who had a significant other.
I guess it's a mindset. I don't have that mindset. I could never handle it.
I know traditional relationships fail enough as it is, but, I would think the amount of variables that could make a poly relationship fail and fail badly, if not dangerously, would be multiplied exponentially.
 

Spork

Active member
I've never been in an open relationship. I've had three long-term relationships my entire life. Each one failed. In between those relationships, I messed around with many women who had a significant other.
I guess it's a mindset. I don't have that mindset. I could never handle it.
I know traditional relationships fail enough as it is, but, I would think the amount of variables that could make a poly relationship fail and fail badly, if not dangerously, would be multiplied exponentially.


You messed around with many women who had a significant other.

So you were an accomplice in their cheating behaviors.

Are you aware that there is a difference between polyamory and cheating? Are you also aware that polyamorists tend to frown upon cheating? Are you aware that you can cheat, in a poly relationship, and it's not cool?

I just wonder. Many people who come at this thing with an "I can't understand how anyone can do this" kind of position, aren't aware of these kinds of details.
 

tjbjab123

Banned
I know cheating is unacceptable because a poly relationship is built upon the foundation of consent, and knowing who the players are.
Having said that, I know there's no way in hell I would allow and could handle seeing or knowing my girlfriend is having sex with another man.
But it's all good :)
 
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