Polyamory
Hi all,
I am solo poly, and late diagnosed AuDHD. My diagnoses and becoming poly happened at roughly the same time a couple years ago.
Since being diagnosed, I have developed a keen sense of self awareness about my intellectual disabilities, particularly autism, and have become extremely good at very clearly communicating emotions, boundaries, preferences, etc as a polyamorous person.
Yet, I have had numerous relationships end very painfully, because the other person did not understand whatever I was attempting to communicate to them, and assumed something completely off the mark. For example, they didn't understand that I didn't necessarily want a more intense/involved relationship - I just wanted more information about what their expectations, hopes and boundaries were, while sharing mine, and also showing enthusiasm. This has scared several people away.
They think I'm "too much", too intense, too emotional - but what they actually say is, "I can't be the partner you want me to be." When we haven't even had an actual conversation about what kind of partner we want each other to be yet! They make sweeping assumptions about me and don't listen to the actual words I'm saying to explain how I feel and what I'm thinking. The more I try, the more freaked our by me they are. And when I express anger and frustration and hurt, I am accused of "being mean". It's not mean to point out that someone is making false assumptions about you, and that you feel gaslit by them.
Another one has been guidelines. When I try to clearly explain what feels comfortable and safe for me and what does not, what my preferences are - people take it as me trying to make rules to oppress them. When really what I'm doing is starting a discussion and inviting them in. And it feels like no matter how detailed I am in explaining my boundaries and ensuring we are both on the same page, some people just do what they want anyway, and hurt me, and plead ignorance or say I wasn't specific enough. And gaslight me for being upset.
I'm beginning to feel like no one will ever understand me, or like and accept me for who I am, no matter how hard I try and different ways I try. It feels like I will always be "too much" for pretty much everyone. Do any other poly autistic people experience things like this? I'm just looking for some validation and solidarity. Feeling really sad and alone. Thanks.
I am solo poly, and late diagnosed AuDHD. My diagnoses and becoming poly happened at roughly the same time a couple years ago.
Since being diagnosed, I have developed a keen sense of self awareness about my intellectual disabilities, particularly autism, and have become extremely good at very clearly communicating emotions, boundaries, preferences, etc as a polyamorous person.
Yet, I have had numerous relationships end very painfully, because the other person did not understand whatever I was attempting to communicate to them, and assumed something completely off the mark. For example, they didn't understand that I didn't necessarily want a more intense/involved relationship - I just wanted more information about what their expectations, hopes and boundaries were, while sharing mine, and also showing enthusiasm. This has scared several people away.
They think I'm "too much", too intense, too emotional - but what they actually say is, "I can't be the partner you want me to be." When we haven't even had an actual conversation about what kind of partner we want each other to be yet! They make sweeping assumptions about me and don't listen to the actual words I'm saying to explain how I feel and what I'm thinking. The more I try, the more freaked our by me they are. And when I express anger and frustration and hurt, I am accused of "being mean". It's not mean to point out that someone is making false assumptions about you, and that you feel gaslit by them.
Another one has been guidelines. When I try to clearly explain what feels comfortable and safe for me and what does not, what my preferences are - people take it as me trying to make rules to oppress them. When really what I'm doing is starting a discussion and inviting them in. And it feels like no matter how detailed I am in explaining my boundaries and ensuring we are both on the same page, some people just do what they want anyway, and hurt me, and plead ignorance or say I wasn't specific enough. And gaslight me for being upset.
I'm beginning to feel like no one will ever understand me, or like and accept me for who I am, no matter how hard I try and different ways I try. It feels like I will always be "too much" for pretty much everyone. Do any other poly autistic people experience things like this? I'm just looking for some validation and solidarity. Feeling really sad and alone. Thanks.