baby steps.. (sorry, it's long)


New member
So it's been over a year since I've posted here so I'll re-introduce my self, especially because I wasn't very active in the first place.

I'm a mom of three and married to a military man, I home school our kids, work from home for a family business, and volunteer for a few things. So needless to say I'm a fairly busy person.

Last year I finally figured out that I was poly in my frame of mind. In highschool and after I never really realized it, but I was pretty open with relationships. I loved being loved and I loved a lot of people.. Then I got married to a horrible person (we had gotten pregnant) and I basically lost contact with most of my friends; and finally realized I was in the wrong place in life and left him. The divorce was long to receive for various reasons. But during that time I saw a few people and found the man I am now married to.

When we met we were very honest with each other, I was WAY more experienced sexually, and we discussed our fantasies and all that. But we were just happy to be us. He is military so military life provided enough of it's own ups and downs with out adding any thing else.

So fast forward to 8 years later (last year) and I realized the poly lifestyle is what I identified with best. I realized this when I realized I had fallen for his best friend. NRE or what ever it may be, it felt great to have him around to be around him, when him and I would go do stuff (like lunch or a movie - platonic). So last year I came on here and with help here and with a few friends who are poly, decided that i needed to be honest. (realizing that at some point hubby and I had lost the complete honesty we used to have in our relationship). So I spilled to hubby and met a brick wall. .. And gave up.

Obviously this did nothing for my feelings for his best friend. A year later (now) and I absolutely am in love with this man. We haven't done anything alone in a long time, partly because of the military life, partly because since they came back from their last deployment we've all seemed to be closer.

Let me take a break here and just say - I received an email from hubby after Christmas that said this. " He and I (hubby) were talking about Christmas and he said that for him, this Christmas didn't bother him too much because he is with the one person he usually spends Christmas with anyways (best friend usually spends Christmas with hubby and I); he said the only thing missing was you (hubby saying I was the only thing missing). I agreed. " ~ I was just about in tears when I read that part of the email from hubby because there were only two people that I was missing, and they just confirmed by this email that they were missing me too. Both of them...

So since they came back from deployment we've been doing more together. It probably helps that we now live closer too; because, during that deployment the house I was living with had a major septic back up and I lost half of my house (everything in the basement). So I ended up moving to a new house that is just around the corner from him. He comes over for dinner and game night weekly, hubby and him do a lot of biking together and other activities. He actually helped us buy a second vehicle; we were in need of a second vehicle since the move left us broke and hubby's old vehicle broke down. (we didn't ask for this, he just told hubby one day he was going to help. I asked him why and he just looked at me and said because we needed it.)

Since all of this I've been very open with hubby about reading books on polyamory, he would sit down and watch things with me about it. So finally the other night I told him again. That it would feel right to me to accept this man into a relationship, like a Vee. I told hubby it doesn't mean I don't love him any less and he told me he knew and he said he wasn't angry I felt that way. He says he has noticed that I am attracted to our friend.

So now.... I don't know how to proceed.

It's out there, he knows how I feel. Do I let him processes it or do I ask him if I can tell our friend how I feel? I want him to not feel pressured.
Hello trvlngypsy,

I think it is very hopeful that you are not just hitting a brick wall with hubby about the poly thing. It says to me that he is gradually processing it.

I think it is okay to ask him more about poly (such as is it okay to tell your friend how you feel), but space things out a little, give him time to process it in bits, and keeping reading and watching stuff about poly with him. When you do read and watch stuff about poly, talk about it a little and share with each other how you feel.

It is hard for anyone who was raised strictly monogamous (as I assume your husband was) to develop a new paradigm and look at relationships in a different way. You on the other hand are ready for poly, which makes it suck to have to wait. But be as patient as you can, and just discuss it with your husband a little at a time.

In life and love there are no guarantees, but I am hopeful that you will eventually be in that Vee that you dream of.

Kevin T.
Stick to baby steps. Ask about his thoughts, concerns, feelings. Listen without reply and then take time to process those. Keep talking about the two of you. Keep planning special time with him.
Thank you both for the responses, the input helps a lot. I do plan to still do things with hubby and the family, that won't change, I love him and doing things with him and the family. And I don't think that this is going to effect his friendship, they've still got things planned and they hung out just last night for our weekly dinner. So I see that as a good sign.

I will plan to take it in baby steps. He is from a strictly monogamous upbringing so this is different for him I know.

I honestly don't even know what our friend would think about me bringing this up to him whenever that happens. I'm very reluctant out of fear of rejection, which I know is silly to worry about.

Thanks again, it is nice to just be able to talk about it. I haven't talked to my local poly friends in a while (just normal everyday life getting in the way.).
Sounds like you will do fine, just keep taking it a little at a time, set aside special one-on-one times with your husband, and talk to your friend about your feelings when you feel brave enough (and when hubby says it's okay).
I think you are on the right track. Keep a cool head about it, take it slow, give everyone (you included) a chance to adapt as you move forward. Above all, be honest. Keep your chin up, and have patience;) Best of luck.
You're doing what you can, that's all you can ask of yourself. You're going slow, you're keeping everyone informed about what's going on with your feelings. They need to know that this is who you are, and if in fact it is, then it's as much a part of who you are as your gender or your orientation.

Every now and then, talk to them about it. Don't let too much time go between conversations about being poly (you don't want them thinking it was just some passing fad, which from what I see it almost never is). If they're good people, and not too terribly brainwashed into thinking it's mono or the highway, then they will accept who your are and not be threatened by it.

But most of all, go slowly. I think just about any love can survive change, as long as it's done at the pace of the most unsure person.

I agree with everyone else; you are doing good and baby steps is a wise solution in your situation.

What I found very familiar in your story is the fact that you can first meet a brick wall with introducing new ideas (not necessarily connected to poly or even relatioships at all), but when people have time to process those ideas within themselves, they might completely change their minds. Or maybe not completely, but anyway open up to new ideas at some level. It took me a while to realize this. That I should not treat someone's opinions as the were "carved in stone", as that this person will always think like this. They might change as life goes on and they experience new things. (Alas, I am not the only person in the world experiencing changes in life!!)

Sounds like your husband is going through this kind of a mental process right now. If and when you one day proceed to telling about this to your friend, you should be prepared for another, equally challenging mental process that will start in his head. Which, sounds like, you are well aware of.

Just want to wish you luck with everything!