Being an afterthought.

korindino

New member
Okay, I know I'm menstrual and I'm stressed from having been at work 8 days back to back. But I'm seriously upset right now.

Alex has been out of town for two weeks, and he just got back last night. I didn't get to see him the night before he left because Jenny wanted him all to herself, and when he came home he went right into spending the evening with her. I know that's the primary relationship, and I respect that. But when Jenny tells me how she loves her space when Alex is out of town, and when she says she doesn't love him as much as he loves her, it hurts me that she keeps me from spending time with him, when these last few weeks have been so rough on me and all I want is to see the man I love.

On top of that, I asked Alex last night when I talked to him, when I would see him today. He refused to give me a time. I told him to give me a time frame. He gave me a window of three hours during which he may or may not call me, and then we'd make plans.

That window ended two hours ago and I haven't heard a peep from him. I know he's not with Jenny, because she has work tonight. And after being told on the phone every other night how much he missed me, it feels like shit being strung on like this.

I feel so tertiary. I feel like an afterthought, like a booty call. We never make plans. He calls me up and asks me to come over, and when I do all he wants is for me to provide free labor for his business and then fuck him. He hasn't taken me out anywhere or made plans to do anything else with me in the month we've been seeing each other.

I know that sex is the ultimate expression for love in Alex's eyes. I know that when we have sex, he's trying to show me how much he cares. however, this view seems incredibly juvenile to me, and he is completely oblivious to the fact that being loved happens outside the bedroom, too.

All I asked for was a time-frame. And he couldn't even drop me a line sometime during those three hours to let me know he was busy and wouldn't see me until later. I'm keeping my life on hold so I'm ready to see him when he calls me. And it pisses me off that this is what I have to do, just so I can spend time with my boyfriend.

I'm so incredibly hurt, upset, and angry right now and I want to cry and scream. I don't know what to do. I'm just tired of being a fucking afterthought.
 

Derbylicious

New member
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I hope things get better for you. I don't have any words of wisdom or anything unfortunately.

-Derby
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I think that would be something I wouldn't tolerate in a relationship.
IMHO each relationship is very important and each should recieve the respect it deserves. Making plans is a requirement for me.

I'm sorry you feel so bad right now. :(
 

idealist

Member
I really feel for you, as I can see you are struggling. It is good that you are so in touch with your feelings. But, it seems to me like you are waiting for him to change his behavior and you are frustrated because he isn't changing. I find it's always best to get into reality right away and adjust my expectations to a realisitic level, or go somewhere else where my exectations can be met. You can't buy milk at the hardware store. Good wishes to you !!
 

Honestheart

New member
Hi korindino,
maybe it is time for an honest heart to heart? maybe he is oblivious to how you feel?

I've actually gone thru something similar thing in my last poly relationship and that was the case- oblivious. he would kind off keep me on the side lines by not committing to a certain time or even a date, he'd drop by when it was convenient for him, i would constantly have to think of his SO in all plans because he didn't always consider all of her feelings, and essentially i felt like i was a part time girlfriend because he was not spending all that much time with me or i with him. so i had a heart to heart with him I told him i was feeling like the part-time girlfriend amongst the other things, he was oblivious to these things. after our talk he made genuine effort to try to include me more in his life, he would actually give me a yes or no confirmation for plans, he would consider his SO's feelings more often, and would actually do things with me.
heres the flip side though, sometimes the person can't change. its "how they roll". thats where you come in. only you can figure out what to do in that case.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so frustrated and i really do hope that you feel better soon. i know whats it is like to want to spend time with your loved one only to find them oblivious to how you feel.
and (((Hugs)))
 
Last edited by a moderator:

korindino

New member
So I talked to Alex last night. Turns out he had tried calling me, and my phone had no signal so it went straight to voicemail. I told him how it bothered me that I had to wait for his call at all. He apologized.

Tonight we have plans to go to dinner and the theater together. With actual times set up and everything.

Let's hope this holds.
 

spacehippiegeek

New member
I know that sex is the ultimate expression for love in Alex's eyes. I know that when we have sex, he's trying to show me how much he cares. however, this view seems incredibly juvenile to me, and he is completely oblivious to the fact that being loved happens outside the bedroom, too.
I am far from a relationship expert, but here are my thoughts. It is okay for one person to need physical expressions of love... but they should be willing to express love in the way their partner wants. Have you explained that time together (outside of sex) is how you feel loved?

It's okay to ask for what you want, and you definitely should be asking for what you need. If what you need is unimportant to him... perhaps he does not care about you. Or perhaps he does care about you, but is not compatible to be in a romantic relationship with you.
 

Honestheart

New member
He apologized.
Tonight we have plans to go to dinner and the theater together. With actual times set up and everything.

hooray! he both apologized and made an effort to change! :D thats awesome! :D i hope this holds too. sounds like you two are on the right track. :D
 
Last edited by a moderator:

SchrodingersCat

Active member
But when Jenny tells me how she loves her space when Alex is out of town, and when she says she doesn't love him as much as he loves her, it hurts me that she keeps me from spending time with him, when these last few weeks have been so rough on me and all I want is to see the man I love.

It sounds like you could be taking better care of you. The tone of your post sounds like you're expecting something from Alex. You need to "find your happy" in your own self, and when you do that, you'll find that you won't "need" him to be happy.

What's so great about Alex that you're willing to go through all this pain and suffering, waiting and hoping, just to be with him?

You're unlikely to change Jenny's willingness to fully open the relationship, allowing you and Alex to have the loving relationship you both want. And so you need to make a decision whether or not he's so fantastically awesome that being with him is worth having more grief than joy.

I know that sex is the ultimate expression for love in Alex's eyes. I know that when we have sex, he's trying to show me how much he cares. however, this view seems incredibly juvenile to me, and he is completely oblivious to the fact that being loved happens outside the bedroom, too.

*cough*bull*cough*shit*cough*

And you believed him? His view doesn't just "seem" juvenile, sister, it IS. It's the line that 15-year-old boys give their girlfriends to get them to give it up.
 

redpepper

New member
Coming home from being away for so long is a tricky one. Everyone wants a piece of you... I have a child and he gets mummy first before anyone. Unfortunately for you and your situation it sounds like you aren't at a point yet where you can all be together in this situation. If it were me I would be gathering my loves around me as much as I can and see all of them at once. But then we are well settled right now... at least the two men in my life anyway, not so much yet with others.

Poly is tricky for some as it requires being compassionate all the time to those that you are dating. Not everyone can do that I don't think. Sure there are some relationships I know of that aren't that deep and could sustain being more self centered rather than the constant giving of oneself that some poly relationships are like. The kind of poly I live has no room for me to be self centered. I have a responsibility to make sure that everyone is okay and that I haven't forgotten the needs of anyone. That is tough work and I am not always good at that. I don't pretend to be. For me, it is important to be good at it, that is my goal and it means that I put me first in order to achieve it... nothing makes me happier than knowing that everyone feels content... they of course work very hard at being content also and give a lot to that over all atmosphere.

Sometimes I have to be very honest with my partners when another texts me or requires a phone call or some kind of acknowledge of something. They all know that I would do the same for them and respect the others enough to know that I can be shared without them feeling abandoned. If it gets to that point then I would hope they would tell me.

Your situation sounded a bit third wheelish to me and I am sorry to hear that. I hope that it has been resolved... and not by being taken out for dinner etc, but that you talked about it....
 

Breathesgirl

New member
It's tuff being the non-primary partner.

It's hard when the one you love doesn't communicate in a compatible style. It is workable though.

My Possibility and I have different communication styles, sort of. We would both rather listen than talk, lol. This makes it difficult to work out issues.

What I've found that works best (& this from a councellor many, many years ago) is to talk in a non-confrontational manner about what you're feeling. Instead of "You made me feel this way" you would say "I feel this way when you do X". You're taking ownership of your feelings, you're not confrontational and you are getting your point across.

Sometime just having a place to vent & let your feelings have their way for a few minutes is all it takes for one to feel better.

I hope your date went well :D.
 

GroundedSpirit

New member
Learning

Yep, relationships - how to navigate and nurture them are a learning process.
Reality is, damn few of us have had the luxury of having good role models to learn from in advance.
I think if everyone would embrace this fact and cut each other a little slack - all the while calling a spade a spade in a non-confrontational manner, we'd all "learn" more - and faster, and end up in a better place.

But it's NOT inbred in us, so it takes time. And patience.

GS
 

redpepper

New member
It's tuff being the non-primary partner.

It's hard when the one you love doesn't communicate in a compatible style. It is workable though.

My Possibility and I have different communication styles, sort of. We would both rather listen than talk, lol. This makes it difficult to work out issues.

What I've found that works best (& this from a councellor many, many years ago) is to talk in a non-confrontational manner about what you're feeling. Instead of "You made me feel this way" you would say "I feel this way when you do X". You're taking ownership of your feelings, you're not confrontational and you are getting your point across.

Sometime just having a place to vent & let your feelings have their way for a few minutes is all it takes for one to feel better.

I hope your date went well :D.

On this train of thought, there is a sticky on communication that could be helpful to read through.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255
 

EugenePoet

New member
I'm glad Alex is paying attention to your feelings. That he's willing to do that is a very good sign, yes?

Guys are stupid...I know I am. Sometimes you superior intellects need to tell us when you want or need something. My GF is not at all shy about coaching me (surprise me with flowers now and then, phone regularly, cook with me, find special things to do together, etc).

Being guy-stupid is no excuse for not learning. Even relationship-dyslexic guys can get pretty good at showing that they care.
 

korindino

New member
As part of our date, Alex and I ended up having a very long conversation about how I'm feeling in the relationship. He brought an exercise dealing with emotional needs, and that sparked up a good conversation on his part about making himself a better boyfriend. He asked me what he needed to do so that I felt secure in his love for me, and he's agreed to work harder to make it so that our relationship gets out of this boring cycle of eat-fuck-sleep-fuck-repeat that we've gotten into.

I hope that it gets better, but at the same time, he did blame Jenny for some of the things that bother me. Apparently she feels jealous or threatened because I'm basically her, ten years younger, and a better sexual match for Alex. While this makes sense, Alex has the habit of making assumptions and clinging to them as truth.

I did lay it out on the line. I told him, like I've told Jen, that I want us to sit down and take the time to talk and hash things out. I told him that his issues with Jenny are affecting my happiness in each of these relationships. I have come to care very deeply about these people and I'm excited to see what role they'll take in my life in the coming years, but I did let Alex know that I can't sit around forever, waiting for their drama to hash itself out when neither of them is willing to give an inch.

We'll see how this works out.
 

Lemondrop

New member
...I feel so tertiary. I feel like an afterthought, like a booty call. We never make plans. He calls me up and asks me to come over, and when I do all he wants is for me to provide free labor for his business and then fuck him. He hasn't taken me out anywhere or made plans to do anything else with me in the month we've been seeing each other.

I know that sex is the ultimate expression for love in Alex's eyes. I know that when we have sex, he's trying to show me how much he cares. however, this view seems incredibly juvenile to me, and he is completely oblivious to the fact that being loved happens outside the bedroom, too.

All I asked for was a time-frame. And he couldn't even drop me a line sometime during those three hours to let me know he was busy and wouldn't see me until later. I'm keeping my life on hold so I'm ready to see him when he calls me. And it pisses me off that this is what I have to do, just so I can spend time with my boyfriend.....

I saw that the two of you have talked and worked on some things, but I thought I had something that you might want to think about.

You don't have to allow this treatment. You have the right to say, "You know, I would like to see some loving behavior outside of the bedroom. I don't feel like sex right now, but I would love to spend some time doing (x)." Or, for those of us with high libido ;) "Oh, yes, let's have lots of sex, but before/after that I would really like to do (x)." You are the only one who will consistantly stand up for you. Do some introspection, know what you really need, and ask for it.

Also, it bothered me that you said you had your whole life on hold. We have a tendency to forget that, while it's nice to be kind to people, we have the right to say no. If he does not call when he says he will, go about your business. If that means he can't reach you, then 1)maybe that consequence will help him understand that you have a life that you have a right to lead and he could be more considerate 2)maybe the frustration will help him make better plans in the future 3) maybe you won't be ***going crazy*** waiting for him to call and perhaps if he can get hold of you, you will be calmer and better able to enjoy your time talking to him.

(This last bit is actually from some parenting techniques I was taught, about allowing your children to learn the consequences of their actions. It really does help me be a calmer, more relaxed person.)
 
Top