BF committed suicide/I was with the other man.

[faithloren]

Hi. As my title suggests: One night I was with someone else I was having a relationship with. My boyfriend "B" asked me to come home. I didn't come home because I was angry with him and we were having some problems. The thing is he NEVER just asked me to come home. When I was with someone else, he wanted me to be having a good time, not checking in on him. Anyway, we talked on the phone, he was wasted on whisky and I got frustrated with him and hung up the phone on him. That's the last time we ever spoke. The next morning the police told me that he had killed himself at our home.

I'm sharing this because I'm wondering if anyone here has experienced a similar situation. People tell me all the time that it's not my fault and sometimes I sort of believe that too. What I'm looking for is someone who understands the deep level of guilt I feel.

Thanks all. He was an amazing human being.

 

[MusicalRose]

I cannot even begin to imagine the emotions you are processing and dealing with right now. I have not experienced a similar situation, but I wanted to offer my condolences and my hope that you find the support and healing you need in this difficult time.

*hug*

 

[faithloren]

Thank you very much. (hugs back)

 

[GalaGirl]

I am so sorry for your loss.

It is not your fault. I think in trying to make sense of it all maybe you are confusing "deep level of grief" with "deep level of guilt." I think it is normal to feel that way (and much more!) as you move through the mourning stages.

Could looking up suicide survivor info or groups help you process? Arrange for grief counseling?

hugs
Galagirl

 

[reflections]

I am so sorry.

Words cannot describe how horrifying that must have been.

 

[faithloren]

Thank you all.

I have gone for counseling, which helped quite a bit. I've been to a great psychiatric facility about three times now, which also helped. There aren't any suicide survivor's support groups close to me.

I think one of the things that keeps dragging me back is many people's negative views on polyamory, open relationships, etc. I had a lot of support in the beginning, but when people learned that we were polyamorous and that I was with another man that night, some people started blaming me, assuming that I was cheating on him. Especially, my exhusband, the father of my children. He has told me outright that it is my fault and many other terrible things. An office worker at the local mental health facility, where I was getting counseling, was somehow involved with my exhusband and told him that I was with another man that night. Hence, my trepidation at returning to the same place for counseling.

It's been hard to move on. As far as every day living, I haven't been able to keep a job due to my depression and anxiety. As far as romance goes, I compare everyone to B, who was an incredible, one of a kind person.

It's just hard knowing that he was having feelings of jealousy over this other man "M" and that I wasn't communicating with him clearly about how angry I was with him about some of the problems we were having. In hindsight, the problems we were having were due to his deep depression, anxiety, and alcoholism and some of my own stuff, I'm sure. Instead of dealing with it, I was pretty much ignoring our problems, B's problems, and letting myself be distracted with "M."

Deep grief and deep guilt. It gets better, it gets worse, and so on and so forth. Sometimes it's so bad I don't think I can handle it anymore. Other times I have hope that I will be happy again.

 

[nycindie]

First of all, my condolences for your loss. And I am so very sorry you have been getting such nastiness directed your way, especially while you are mourning. The person who told your ex should be reported for divulging confidential patient information - if you are in the US, there are laws against that (HIPAA)!

You sound like you are blaming yourself, but really, even if you were as attentive as you think you should have been, and held his hand through every anxiety attack he had, he was depressed and alcoholic. He had an illness that needed proper managing, and you could not have done it all for him. If a person is very determined to end their own life, there is not much anyone could do to stop them. There has to be a willingness to live, to let go of the past, and to forgive. I remember someone telling me that suicide is a very angry act, because it is the biggest "fuck you" to the world that a person can give. I believe that most people who kill themselves are usually depressed, but I think anger does have a lot to do with it, too. However, you were not responsible for his feelings, nor his actions.

All that is just to say, as many others here will also tell you, it truly wasn't your fault. There are two people I know who have lost someone close to them because of suicide and I know it took some time to work through all those feelings, but eventually they were able to laugh again and appreciate the good things in life again without feeling the guilt. I hope you can find some better resources near you to help you get through this. Hang in there.

 

[Magdlyn]

My deepest sympathies for your loss.

Your loss, not just of your beloved if disturbed bf B, but the loss of social support and friendship from people close to you, who may also be grieving and blaming themselves, putting guilt on you for "being with another man" that night, and somehow causing the suicide.

If you two were open and successfully poly, there is no right for anyone to blame you. Lots of us here are poly, or in a mono/poly relationship, and there can be jealousy, but people aren't killing themselves left and right.

And if you've been living with a severely depressed man for a long time, you've every right to go out and enjoy yourself and escape now and then. We can only do so much to help a disturbed family member or friend. They need professional help.

I had a similar experience, though much milder than yours. A guy I had been chatting with for a couple months, and gone on one date with, with another date planned, attempted suicide in a very dramatic fashion a day or two after our first date. He did it in a public place, in daylight, near other people, including children.

I was wondering why he'd stopped communicating with me, and then a friend found a newspaper/website report of the attempt.

Needless to say, even this shook me up for months. Ugh.

Grieving, survivor's guilt, takes time. Keep getting therapy, seek support from those who understand, and take good care of yourself, eat, sleep and exercise, warm baths, walk in gardens or in nature, etc.

It's NOT your fault!!!

 

[FallenAngelina]

Hi faithloren,

I lived through the suicide of my fiancé and have gone on to build a beautiful life, so please know that there are many places open for you during this terribly difficult time. What helped me most in that first challenging year was focusing on how I could expand from the experience, instead of ruminating on what I could have done to prevent the suicide. This perspective helped me to move away from the very painful and useless stance of guilt and resentment and instead live in a world that was foundationaly more supportive and nurturing. I felt that I was going somewhere, having been launched by this extreme experience, rather than feeling stuck in retro-fixing a relationship that was (and remains) way beyond my understanding. Sending love. It gets better.

 

[Petunia]

{{{hugs}}}

 

[AnnabelMore]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This is not my story, but it could have been. I have a long time on-again-off-again partner, Davis, who has struggled with depression, who has been suicidal at times, and who has had difficulties with poly.

It is not your fault. It was B's responsibility to get himself the help he needed. If he really felt that he was on the brink, he should have been calling 911, not you. It was not fair of him to put that on you. I'm sure that he was indeed an amazing, one of a kind person -- isn't everyone we love? -- but he acted selfishly in leaving you in this way, in such a way that it would be practically unavoidable for you to feel an immense amount of guilt along with your grief.

I hope with all of my heart that Davis will never decide that he has to leave this world prematurely. He FINALLY started therapy recently, so hopefully the chances of that will be less. But if he does ever find it all to be too much, I genuinely believe that his love for me is such that he will do what he can to mitigate any responsibility I might feel, via a note at least, because he wouldn't want me to carry that forever.

B wasn't thinking clearly, of course, so he can be cut at least a tiny bit of slack for leaving you in this position. But that still doesn't make it in any way your fault. You say he suffered from deep depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. Any one of those problems can be more than a partner can possibly help with, and all three in combination are practically guaranteed to be overwhelming.

You are not a health care professional, much less the suite of them that it sounds like he needed. Even if you'd come home and managed to help him this time, what about the next time he felt so low, or the next, or the next? He needed a level of care and intervention that was beyond what you could possibly provide, and, again, that was HIS responsibility to pursue. It was his responsibility because mental health HAS to be our own responsibility, for the simple fact that we CAN'T get better unless we ourselves choose to fight for it.

I wish you the best. It wasn't your fault. Other people who don't understand poly won't understand, and that's unfortunate, but it doesn't change the fact that it wasn't your fault. Even if you were cheating on him -- which you were not! -- suicide was still his own choice and not your fault.

It was incredibly shitty and unethical of that office worker to divulge personal information about you, and they should be reported and fired before they violate someone else's privacy! What am awful position that's put you in, in regards to getting your own care! I hope that you can find a place unconnected to your ex, where you can get help. Best of luck.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi faithloren,

I just wanted to add my sympathy to the others'. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I don't think there's any way you could have known B was about to kill himself, and that's the reason why I don't think you were at fault. I don't know that anyone is at fault, I don't blame B either. It's just something tragic that happened. Hang in there. Eventually this deep sting will recede a little bit.

With compassion,
Kevin T.

 

[Reverie]

My condolences. I have had friends who killed themselves, and I know that even as a friend, I have wondered if there wasn't more that I could have done to prevent something so awful, and I have felt guilt for not reaching out more or doing more. I can only imagine that your situation amplifies that feeling by about a million. I am truly sorry and don't have much to offer in the way of a solution, but I wanted to send you an internet hug. ((hugs!))

 

[starlight1]

I am so sorry for your loss.

This is not at all your fault. I almost committed suicide myself twice in my life. It was never done in anger, or because of anyone else. I was afraid and unable to cope. Someone's mental health is their responsibility. I didn't start being healthy until I valued myself and stood up to my fears, and got proper medication and therapy etc. I had relationships end because of my mental health, because it isn't anyone else's responsibility but my own.

I send big hugs you can move past the guilt, and find peace that you are not at fault here. You really aren't.

 

[brokeourmirrors]

I realize this was posted seven years ago but I know the deep level of guilt because I experienced something very similar. I became romantically involved with someone new in September 2020 after my primary partner and I became polyamorous. My new lover and I fell for each other very quickly and passionately and although I constantly reminded him that I was with someone else and would continue to be with other people he really wanted to be monogamous with me. Almost 10 months ago I was away for two nights celebrating my nine year anniversary with my primary partner. When I got home I found my lover's body hanging in his apartment. The last thing I ever said to him was "I'm making it so you can't break through the silent mode on my phone" because he was contacting me obsessively day and night. These 10 months have been full of grief, trauma, heartbreak, rage, confusion, an unbelievable amount of guilt, and various small breakthroughs towards healing. If you still see this thread I would like to know how you are seven years later. I hope you are able to be happy again not because I see myself in you seven years ago but because I truly understand the pain of this horrific experience that you endured. I just joined this forum today because I cannot find support within the suicide survivors community because of the stigma against polyamory especially in this rare and terrible situation.

 

[icesong]

I am so very sorry for your loss. It was not your fault, no matter what he said. You never lied to him, or misled him. You didn't say anything you couldn't give. Whatever was going on with him... was probably going on with him before he met you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry for your loss, brokeourmirrors. 10 mos of grief is tough, and you might not be done with the grief process.

Whatever he had going on that led to suicide? It was not your fault. Nor your doing. It was his illness and his thing to mange/get help for.

The last thing I ever said to him was "I'm making it so you can't break through the silent mode on my phone" because he was contacting me obsessively day and night.

You set some boundaries. It is ok to do that.

Even if you were a professional that dealt in these kinds of things? It would be a conflict of interest/too close for you to treat/counsel him. So he would be seeing a different professional, right? It's ok to let the feeling that you were responsible for his well being go. He was responsible for his well being/medical care.

But yes. It can take some time to come to terms with the loss.

I wish you peace over time.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello brokeourmirrors,

I'm very sorry to hear that you lost your new lover, especially in such a terrible way. I don't think it was your fault because if you had known he was so close to suicide, you would have handled things differently. The way you handled things was appropriate for the situation and what you knew.

When there is a suicide, we tend to blame ourselves. But in 98% of the cases, the person committing it did not do it because of what someone else did, but because of something about themselves. This terrible thing was probably starting to brew long before you met this person.

With much sympathy,
Kevin T.