BF's new GF is a cowgirl?

Vixtoria

New member
Okay so I'm not so sure about this but thought I'd ask for some outside views to maybe figure things out. DH and I have been together for 23 years, just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary. BF and I have been together 8 years, 9 this August. BF and I are mostly long distance but in contact pretty much every day, most of the day. DH and BF have met, the kids and BF have met, everyone is really cool. We had BF over for Thanksgiving, he stayed here in the house with everyone, it's all good.

Now here's where it got weird. He mentions this girl at work that wants to set him up on a date. I tell him to go for it! He tells me it didn't go well and I don't hear about it again. Now, the big thing we have all agreed on is honesty and keeping each other up to date. I don't care, date whatever, just let me know what is up!

So I ask one day, how it's going with a new job and if the girl he mentioned flirting has asked him out or if he's asked her out. He tells me, "About that. Remember the girl that set me up awhile ago? Well her and her BF broke up and we've been hanging out."

Ooookay. So more talking and I get that their hanging out is serious, he's falling or her! Okay awesome. How's it going, what do you think, gonna ask her out, or just keep it casual? He doesn't know. Then, because he and the kids are all friends on FB I find out he's posting a lot about her and pics and blah blah blah. Cool, we are all happy, hoping it goes well and he's happy. Then he asks me to check out her FB page to get my opinion about her.

BRAKES! She doesn't know about me yet. Also, why according to HER FB are you guys BF and GF and have been for SIX MONTHS???

He explains how this is new to him and blah blah blah. We talk and I explain about keeping me in the loop. That I don't CARE that he's dating, I'm happy for him! Just let me know what's up! Is there sex involved, has everyone been tested, are we following safe sex rules as he and I have JUST become fluid bonded after years and we have boundaries up as far as safe sex and a new sex partner.

They break up. He is HEARTBROKEN. I'm doing what I can to be there for him, trying to make him feel better. It's hours on the phone of him crying, he's hit hard. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he tells me BTW, I got hit by a car!! I'm just finding out days later. Why? Well because she found out and went to the hospital, she made a mistake we should get back together. Blah blah blah.

Now I ask, are you back together? He doesn't know, they need to talk. Now he and I talk regularly so every once in a while I ask, have you talked to her yet? I know you are upset about how things went down and you need to be honest with her. Nope not yet. He's thinking on it. So I stop asking.

Flash forward again a couple of weeks. He wants to know how I feel about a purity ceremony. I ask what he means. It seems he and the girl ARE back together. She never had his faith, he's very christian, which is fine, I'm not and it's fine. But she's been going to church with him now twice a week. She wants to do a purity ceremony with him. Her idea. Now, she's still not aware of our relationship completely but she has an idea. So her idea is that he and she should go through this ceremony where they will not have sex, or watch porn, or have lustful thoughts, until they are married.

DH is concerned, he sees this as a train wreck and is worried for both BF and I getting stuck with this blowing up. My thing is, I feel like he's just made a choice. That he's trying to hang onto me, but he refuses to keep me up to date on what the hell is going on. He's not telling her about me, and he's choosing to not have any sexual, lustful or intimate conversation, or actions with me so he can go be pure with her.

I'm an idiot right?
 

GreenAcres

New member
Um...she can't be a "cowgirl" if she doesn't know abut you.

So, this guy is essentially leading her to believe they are in a monogamous relationship, which means he's lying to her, leading her on, being incredibly unethical and yet you are saying the GF is the one sending up red flags?

News flash: it's your BF that is sending up the red flags. Why would you date someone who would do this to another person? And, she is a person. A person who's emotional and physical well-being is put at risk. At least you're aware he's fucking other people--she, apparently, isn't, and therefore whatever safe sex protocols or emotional protocols she prefers for herself are possibly being violated without her being any the wiser.

So, really, I'd be thinking about dumping him. Personally, I could never trust someone to be a partner who treated another person like that.
 
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Becca

Member
If your BF is falling for a local girl, who is presumably monogamous, and he isn't telling her about you... He may be planning to end your long-distance relationship in order to focus on her, and not to out himself as poly to her.

If that's the case, he should have the courage to tell you that.

But no, she's not a cowgirl. A cowgirl is ostensibly poly, but is secretly planning to rope a partner out of the herd to be her own. Nowhere in your post do you describe this woman as someone who identifies as poly. The BF is the sketchy figure.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I agree with the others. She doesn't sound like a cowgirl.

It's your BF that is not being up front. It sounds like he's been slowly ghosting on you. If you are in contact pretty much every day, most of the day? He's leaving out big stuff -- that he's been dating her for 6 mos, that he got hit by a car, they broke up, they got back together, etc.

To me it sounds like he's trying to do the "soft break up" at this point by asking you how you feel about them having a purity ceremony. Kinda hinting around it rather than just being up front about that. I could be wrong though.

If I were asked how I felt about them having a purity ceremony? I would say

"Well, I think you best come clean with her about the fact that you are in a poly V with me and my DH before you do the purity ceremony and before you get married. So she can assess if she wants to join an existing poly network as your sweetie.

Or you come clean with me and tell me you want to break up. So there's no network for her to join and I don't have to be partially in the dark any more. I don't mind you dating others or deciding you are done dating me. I do mind you leaving out information I only find out about waaaay later."​

My advice? Have the courage to be having the conversations you need to be having.

Galagirl
 
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Ivylein

New member
I would have dumped him for even considering a purity ceremony without consulting me.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re (from OP):
"He wants to know how I feel about a purity ceremony."

I'd be like, "Umm, you know that would mean you and I would have to break up, right?"
 

GreenAcres

New member
Re (from OP):


I'd be like, "Umm, you know that would mean you and I would have to break up, right?"

That was kind of my thought. The ridiculous, sex-negative (seriously, having sex doesn't make someone "impure," what a ludicrous, outdated, and repressive notion), reality-denial of this whole weird ceremony aside, there's only two things that he could be asking, albeit indirectly, with this:

1. Are you okay with us (OP and BF) not being together anymore

Or

2. Are you cool with participating in a cheating relationship where I've committed to someone else but am going to completely violate those agreements?
 

WhatHappened

Active member
The ridiculous, sex-negative (seriously, having sex doesn't make someone "impure," what a ludicrous, outdated, and repressive notion), reality-denial of this whole weird ceremony aside....

The saying 'my poly isn't your poly' is pretty common around here. This seems pretty harsh and judgmental. So someone else has a different view from you of the time and place for sex. That means they have different views on it and what's right for them, just as some people here have different views on poly and what kind of poly is right for them.
 

hanami

New member
Hi Vixtoria,

WHOAH. Your BF has been in a secret relationship for SIX MONTHS?? And didn't think to tell you? Or her, about you? You've been together for almost 9 years and "this" is new to him? Weeks and weeks have gone by and he still hasn't told her? I'm confused by that.

In terms of the purity thing, if he wants to be in a non-sexual place with her and you, that is his choice, but it also obviously impacts you. It is now down to you to decide if you are OK with having a nonsexual relationship with him for a while.

What worries me the most about all of this is his proven lack of transparency. I can't think of any good reason why you'd be in contact every day, and together for nearly 9 years, and not have this out on the table. It sounds like he's majorly compartmentalising. The only thing I can possibly imagine is that this might be a primarily virtual relationship?? Is there a lot of fantasy involved? Is it casual but just happens to have been casual for a very long time? :confused:

In either case, my concern (if I were in your shoes) would also be his ability to tell the truth if even tougher things come to light - like STDs and whatnot. Those aren't the kind of things you want to discover the hard way.

Frankly, I'd be setting boundaries at this point based on what you are and are not willing to accept. You can't tell him what to do, but you can state what *you* are willing to engage in. Secret relationships are a dealbreaker for me, so it would sound something like this if I was communicating it:
"I only want to be in a fully transparent relationship. This means that if you can't tell this other woman about our relationship in the next week, I'll be readdressing the nature of our relationship / withdrawing from our relationship".
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Yes, it's high time BF told his churchgoing lady about his relationship with OP.
 

GreenAcres

New member
The saying 'my poly isn't your poly' is pretty common around here. This seems pretty harsh and judgmental. So someone else has a different view from you of the time and place for sex. That means they have different views on it and what's right for them, just as some people here have different views on poly and what kind of poly is right for them.

It isn't a case of different kinds of poly or relationship styles. Is it judgmental? Yep. Just as I judge slut shaming, genital mutilation, forced marriage, etc. I lived in a place where "purity" and "purity ceremonies" were commonplace, and they are everything I said above and more. Deciding to wait for sex until one is ready, or until one is married, is an individual choice, and one I would never judge if it's made with proper information and without duress. That isn't what purity ceremonies are based on, at least not the many, many I've witnessed. They are about sex making people, most especially women, "dirty" and "impure." They are about misinformation and control. In the same circles that often use these ceremonies, it's very common to pass around a glass of water to children and have them all spit in it, then pose the question whether any of them would drink it. When they all say no, they're told that is exactly how it is if you have sex with more than one person in your life, or before marriage. So yeah, I definitely judge that.
 
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WhatHappened

Active member
Deciding to wait for sex until one is ready, or until one is married, is an individual choice, and one I would never judge if it's made with proper information and without duress. That isn't what purity ceremonies are based on, at least not the many, many I've witnessed.

You are making judgments on what entire groups of people really think. Based, as you admit, only on what you have witnessed. If choosing when to have sex is a valid option, then choosing to have a ceremony to honor and acknowledge that choice is just as valid as having a ceremony to honor a second poly husband.

I have to be honest, I seriously doubt any purity ceremony really involves people talking about how 'dirty' sex is. I suspect this is your interpretation of what they think, rather than what they actually said. Certainly you know different individuals than I do, but I also know plenty of people who believe in waiting until marriage, and it is not about sex being 'dirty,' but about sex being so sacred and beautiful that it deserves a special consideration, and is reserved for a spouse. Whether anyone agrees with reserving it fo a spouse, it is simply wrong to claim that all these people, or even most of them, believe it's 'dirty.'
 

polychronopolous

New member
It's been in the name: "Purity ceremony". "Dirty" is exactly what it suggests. What do you have to do to become pure? Wash away filth? Cleanse yourself of contaminants? Remove that which is impure?

The very idea is degrading and disgusting.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Good point polychronopolous.
 

GreenAcres

New member
It's been in the name: "Purity ceremony". "Dirty" is exactly what it suggests. What do you have to do to become pure? Wash away filth? Cleanse yourself of contaminants? Remove that which is impure?

The very idea is degrading and disgusting.

so much this.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
I know you said ice is concerned it may blow up but how's he feel about all this. The BF is the guy you were cheating on him with that almost out took down your marriage correct?

The same guy that affectively caused you to have q poly marriage. Then the guy turns around and pulls this kind of shit. Wow Talk about investment, risk management, drama, pain and change and then to find out this guy is sneaking around with the new Ms. Right( in the cone of silence ) waiting to get married.
With the illusion of purity .....that really kills I love that part of the story:D.

Let me know if he thinks all " growth " was worth it.
 

Icewraithonyx

New member
Actually this BF was the first one she gave me a heads up BEFORE things got further along.

Also, no, I've never felt the "growth" was worth the crap people are put through. It's like asking of victims of rape, molestation or violent assault if they thought it was worth it.
 

WhatHappened

Active member
It's been in the name: "Purity ceremony". "Dirty" is exactly what it suggests. What do you have to do to become pure? Wash away filth? Cleanse yourself of contaminants? Remove that which is impure?

The very idea is degrading and disgusting.

A purity ceremony is degrading and disgusting. Interesting. Would changing the name be acceptable? What name would make the concept acceptable?

Again...I simply find it interesting that people who would be highly offended at someone else labeling their choices 'degradging and disgusting' are so willing to label others. Doesn't this defeat the idea of tolerance?

If you don't want to have a purity ceremony, don't have one. I'm a little surprised it makes that much difference to anyone here what such a ceremony is called. If we're sure of our own choices, it hardly matters what anyone else thinks.
 

GreenAcres

New member
A purity ceremony is degrading and disgusting. Interesting. Would changing the name be acceptable? What name would make the concept acceptable?

Again...I simply find it interesting that people who would be highly offended at someone else labeling their choices 'degradging and disgusting' are so willing to label others. Doesn't this defeat the idea of tolerance?

If you don't want to have a purity ceremony, don't have one. I'm a little surprised it makes that much difference to anyone here what such a ceremony is called. If we're sure of our own choices, it hardly matters what anyone else thinks.

Last reply, because this is getting derailing or the original thread.

I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding here of "choices" vs. ingrained sexual shame. I said, clearly, that I don't judge anyone's decision on when to have sex, so long as that choice is based on honest information and isn't about repression, control, or shaming. I absolutely judge some things as detrimental, and oppressive, and not based on sound evidence, especially if those things have been shown to be exactly that.

Research purity ceremonies and the cultures that surround them. The name of the ceremony isn't the point, really, though it says a lot--it directly implies that anything but sex with one person somehow makes a person impure. And it generally goes much deeper than that, often to the types of sexual acts that make one "dirty," for example. The point is these ceremonies are used to perpetuate that having sex in any situation that isn't marriage to one person makes someone dirty, impure, unworth loving, "used goods," etc. It's heavily linked to the notion that a woman's body isn't her own, that it belongs to her husband, even a husband she hasn't met yet, and is intrinsically linked to perpetuating rape culture, in which women's bodies belong to men. That isn't about a choice when to have sex that is based on anything other than a cultural/religious society's need to control their members (and "purity" is almost always used to control women--men are judged much less harshly in these cultures), and has been shown to be very detrimental to long-term sexual and emotional well-being (in fact, we have several members here who struggled with some of these cultures). The research is easy to find.

If someone wants to wait for sex, great. If they're doing it for some perceived or indoctrinated sense that sex that makes the person having it less-than, or dirty, then yeah, still judging it as bad. They are free to have one, of course, just as I am free not to. But that doesn't mean I am not going to understand the reality of how these things impact society, how much they contribute to rape culture, how detrimental the purity culture has been shown to be overall.
 
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WhatHappened

Active member
Has been shown by....whom? What studies? And on what grounds? By which definitions of words?

Again...there's a lot of judgmentalism being tossed around. If you don't want a purity ceremony, don't have one. If you're happy with your choices, go for it. There are other people, btw, who feel they've been hurt by just the opposite views, people who feel they have been hurt by being raised in all sorts of families and households--Christian, LDS, gay, poly, conservative, liberal. Hence, 'we have members who feel they've been hurt by....families that believe in waiting for marriage' is not terribly convincing.

But you promised not to derail... :D
 
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