Bi Assumptions

Iktomi

New member
my bi husband

i have to say, that i have actively encouraged my bisexual husband to pursue relationships and experimentation with other men, but he is more hesitant to do it. this could be due to a couple of things- he is more mono-minded than i am, he was sexually abused by a man in the military, he has some medical issues that he's focusing on, etc... but i have the feeling that he just doesn't have the urge to be with anyone other than me, although he's open to it. but, i haven't really actively encouraged him to pursue a relationship with another woman, although it probably wouldn't bother me too much (depends on the woman, just like it would depend on the man.)

now me, i do actively want a relationship with another woman, and am open to a relationship with another man (although it's not a need of mine). and my husband is a little more insecure- we've had a lot of talks about why this is a need of mine, what i'm not getting out of our current relationship (his thinking, not mine), etc... at first, he was adamantly against my being with another man, and only hesitantly ok with my being with another woman, but now it seems that gender doesn't matter as much as trust and mutual compatibility (even if it's as friends). it's not that i'm unsatisfied, it's that i just feel restricted, and that there could be so much more. it's not a matter of filling an empty hole, but of adding to what i already have. (anyway that's a little tangent)

so, in closing, :p gender used to matter to my husband more than it matters now, and it doesn't really matter to me.
 

BrigidsDaughter

New member
In my defense I was 19 years old at the time and pregnant with our son; certainly not the most rational period of my life. I had an experience in high school where I walked in on an ex getting a blow job from my best friend's boyfriend and people joked that I'd made him gay. I certainly encouraged all my gay and bi male friends to be themselves in high school. But when it came to Runic Wolf, I was irrationally afraid that I'd lose him. I have been nothing but encouraging over the last few years, but I can't the reaction of my youth.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
at first, he was adamantly against my being with another man, and only hesitantly ok with my being with another woman, but now it seems that gender doesn't matter as much as trust and mutual compatibility

YES.

This is the point that I would hope everyone could come to.

Monosexuality always kind confuses me -- what should the shape of one's genitalia matter? -- but if you're only attracted to one gender, fair enough, nothing wrong with that whatsoever. But to limit your partner's choice of OSO because it's somehow more or less "scary" if someone is one gender or another seems to me to be totally missing the point of love and intimacy. These are powerful forces, and as someone who considers gender to be neither a limiting nor a defining characteristic I find it downright insulting to think that a potential new partner might be considered more or less worrisome just because of gender.

I respect the right of any person to express feeling more or less comfortable with their partner seeing someone of x gender or y gender, after all we ALL have baggage to overcome. But I believe that it's something that should be worked on and resolved, just like any other irrational and problematic mental stumbling block. This is why OPP is so hard for me to come to terms with. Even when it works for the people involved, I feel like it comes from a fundamentally flawed way of thinking and so it bothers me.
 

ThatGirlInGray

New member
TGIB is bi, and I don't mind at all. I don't really think about it, actually, except when it comes up that we have SUCH different tastes in men and women. I do think him being bi adds to him being more willing to experiment than Monochrome (not that MC is unwilling if I want to experiment, but he doesn't initiate), but otherwise, it's just part of who he is. Of course, I believe most people are bi to one degree or another, except for the extreme ends of the spectrum, so I'm rarely surprised if a guy tells me he's bi.
(On a slight tangent, I'm still continually surprised by how well MC deals with everything, not being bi OR poly himself)

I have a little bit of sympathy for the guys who are ok with bi girlfriends exploring with women. I'm not proud of it, but it's more likely for me to have some feelings to deal with if TGIB were to start dating a woman than if he started dating a guy. But I would never say, "Guys are ok but girls aren't," because that's not fair to him. It's my responsibility to get over my issue.
 

ThatGirlInGray

New member
One thing that may help with where a OPP can come from, Annabel: while I was still able to get pregnant, I was not taking ANY risk of becoming pregnant by someone other than my husband. Since we all know there's only one way to have 0% chance, that was my choice. Also, we came to poly gradually. I was never looking for serious relationships, so at the time having a "semi-open" (what we called it) relationship worked for us. Now that we've ended up here (this wasn't in TGIB's or my plan!) Monochrome has been open to renegotiation, since it was never about sex anyway, but the relationship we had and our family.
 

km34

New member
I respect the right of any person to express feeling more or less comfortable with their partner seeing someone of x gender or y gender, after all we ALL have baggage to overcome. But I believe that it's something that should be worked on and resolved, just like any other irrational and problematic mental stumbling block. This is why OPP is so hard for me to come to terms with. Even when it works for the people involved, I feel like it comes from a fundamentally flawed way of thinking and so it bothers me.

I totally agree with this. Iktomi got it first, but I don't know how to quote more than one post so... yeah. I think the encouragement that people get form the SOs to seek relationships with people of the same gender is often just a stepping stone anyway. While the people may not realize it at first, once they've opened themselves up it often seems to naturally progress.
 

km34

New member
I have a little bit of sympathy for the guys who are ok with bi girlfriends exploring with women. I'm not proud of it, but it's more likely for me to have some feelings to deal with if TGIB were to start dating a woman than if he started dating a guy. But I would never say, "Guys are ok but girls aren't," because that's not fair to him. It's my responsibility to get over my issue.

I like that attitude. :) If only everyone were so willing to work on themselves and their issues instead of always trying to instigate limitations or trying to get others to conform to what they want.
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
Good point about the possibility of pregnancy, TGIG. One could always just have lots of other types of sex but not PIV if that was an insurmountable fear, but I can see why that might be frustrating.
 

NovemberRain

New member
TGIB is bi, and I don't mind at all. I don't really think about it, actually, except when it comes up that we have SUCH different tastes in men and women.

This has reminded me. [the more I read here, the more things I remember that point me at poly way back in my history]
I dated a lovely bi man in college. Okay, he was pretty, not so much lovely. REally pretty. One morning, in his tiny dorm room, we were spooned up in his bed, facing his roommate. Roommate reached one bare, muscled arm down to squish an aluminum can that was on the floor. PrettyBoy and I both took a breath and shuddered. Such an odd experience to appreciate a sexy other WITH someone.

PrettyBoy actually was excessively helpful at finding me a woman to get experienced with. I didn't know he was bi and he didn't volunteer it, until all the boys at the potluck were drooling on him.

All that has been part of my coming out story forever; but I have never before looked at it in the context of poly.
 

Monochrome

New member
When Gray and I were dating, early on when dalliances with others first started to be discussed, she asked if I would be more insecure with her being physically intimate with guy or a girl. She seemed rather surprised when I said, after a moment's thought, that I would feel better with her finding another guy. I reasoned that I can at least compete with another guy, having equivalent physical accoutrements, whereas a girl could offer Gray things I physically could not.
 
ThatGirlInGray,

In my opinion, it could be that bi's are more open to poly. I think that individuals that have either considered or mindfully strive for poly lifestyle are most likely individuals that have, for whatever unique reasons, questioned the 'validity' of the hetero-monogamous-norm lifestyle. I presume (but really assume) that poly lifestyle peeps at one point had some existential or 'why' moment which they questioned if the idea of a man and woman marrying, maybe is not the most optimal or 'only' lifestyle approach to living.
 

Clementine

New member
Love it! GREAT topic ! I finally admitted to myself that I am Bi when I was around 22. I met my (now) husband very shortly after that and he was the first person I came out to. (Awwww) . I am very much into the butterflies in my tummy and the near agony of not knowing how the other person feels about you, so once the newness wore off I started getting restless. We were playing WoW (mmorpg for those of you with your heads in the gaming sand) when I met a boy. He and his wife were in a polyamorous relationship, so after I fell head over heals for someone else, I broached the subject with my hubby. I didn't tell him that I had someone in mind, just that their relationship sounded awesome and lucky me, he agrees! Anyway, long drawn out story short, agreed. Mmos and polyamory seem to have a corrilation (sp?) . It happened to me!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I dated a lovely bi man in college. Okay, he was pretty, not so much lovely. REally pretty. One morning, in his tiny dorm room, we were spooned up in his bed, facing his roommate. Roommate reached one bare, muscled arm down to squish an aluminum can that was on the floor. PrettyBoy and I both took a breath and shuddered. Such an odd experience to appreciate a sexy other WITH someone.

That's hot!

miss pixi and I always check out other hotties out on the street or on TV, together. It's really fun to point them out to each other. We have similar tastes.
 

OpenandCountry

New member
Really love this thread! couple of things people have said that I can fully relate to...

1. We are the forgotten letter of the LGBTQ (bi's are just "confused" to some...grr)

2. As a bi, poly woman, many would assume that I'm poly simply so I can have a man and a woman in my life. (Untrue! I love multiple people, not multiple body parts)

3. Many people who are (rightfully so) Pushing for gay marriage rights view poly and bisexuality as a threat to their cause because it doesn't fit into the "we're just like hetero married couples, but with the same parts!" paradigm. (to clarify, I am VERY pro-gay marriage)

I thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts/opinions!
 

Carrie

New member
When Gray and I were dating, early on when dalliances with others first started to be discussed, she asked if I would be more insecure with her being physically intimate with guy or a girl. She seemed rather surprised when I said, after a moment's thought, that I would feel better with her finding another guy. I reasoned that I can at least compete with another guy, having equivalent physical accoutrements, whereas a girl could offer Gray things I physically could not.

Late to this thread, but I can relate to this, MC.

When I found out BF was bi, I felt like, "How can I compete with a guy?" As it is, BF is only orally bi. Which just goes to show that it is about the parts in that case (and just about sex,) which is why I also find it less threatening. And insists he's not interested in going further than oral because of childhood sexual abuse.

How this relates to poly for us, I'm not sure. I suppose I've been bi-curious, but more in a "how would it be to share a sexual encounter with BF and a woman kind of way." I do think that a lot of men don't see a woman dating their female partner as a threat - and may even hope it leads to a threesome for them.

I don't mean to push any buttons. I know that bisexuals and/or polys don't want to be thought of as sluts, as someone said upthread. As my BF said, just because he's bi doesn't mean he wants to blow every guy, anymore than he wants to sleep with every woman.

Sorry, if I've strayed off topic about the sex stuff - especially when poly isn't necessarily about sex(?).
 

AnnabelMore

Active member
To my understanding, some gay men don't like anal sex and so don't engage in it even though they're fully and exclusively into guys, physically and emotionally. So I wouldn't see a lack of interest in going "further" than oral as saying anything about the level of a man's interest in other men. Not trying to say anything about your husband at all, just wanted to point that out.
 

riftara

New member
I can honestly say I didnt read everyones replys before posting this.

I identify as bi-sexual and for the first time Im in love with a woman, though Ive considered myself bi for many years.

We are also big nerds! Skyrim is our mutual obsession at the moment - I had to get it for the PC to get any play time in, F is on the Xbox from the time he gets home from work until bed most nights, unless we have people over, playing D&D or having a party.

F's girlfriend seems the odd-ball, not a gamer, or a nerd like the rest of us.

I dont know if I was bi or poly first, I loved two men from highschool, and Ive loved R for over a decade, so right now I love (in a sexual way) 4 people, in a relationship with 2 of them.
But then again I feel love for my close friends too. Its a totally different kind of love of course, but its there.

ETA - Im also pagan and so is John, F is nothing really, and T is not devout either.
 

Carrie

New member
To my understanding, some gay men don't like anal sex and so don't engage in it even though they're fully and exclusively into guys, physically and emotionally. So I wouldn't see a lack of interest in going "further" than oral as saying anything about the level of a man's interest in other men. Not trying to say anything about your husband at all, just wanted to point that out.

I'm not saying he's bi because he only likes oral. I'm saying he doesn't like anal with men. He's fine to do it with me. From what he's told me, he's never been into men emotionally. He says it was more of being assimilated into that lifestyle due to his family and his culture. Sex was sex. Didn't matter who it was with. Sex was a way to feel loved.
 

rory

New member
Really love this thread! couple of things people have said that I can fully relate to...

1. We are the forgotten letter of the LGBTQ (bi's are just "confused" to some...grr)

As an OT I would point out that I do think that T is an even more forgotten letter, in many occasions.

To the topic. One of the very few things I don't enjoy about having a husband and a girlfriend is that it reinforces people's beliefs about how bisexuals need to have one of each. Then again, you're always going to reinforce some idiotic stereotype or another, there's not much you can do about that.

For me though, I realised being bisexual only after I started a relationship with my now-husband. After that, my sexuality has has gradually changed so that I've gone from kinsey 3 towards kinsey 6. I didn't go into poly because I needed a woman, I started a relationship with a woman because I met somebody I liked. But I don't think I could have lived my whole life only having a relationship with a man... so you could say that poly saved our marriage. [But then again, not sure I fit bisexual, but don't really fit lesbian either with a husband... So, anybody can decide for themselves if they regard this to be in any way relevant to this thread.:p]
 

cjmobxnc

New member
My husband plays strategy games (used to LARP in high school), but nobody else that I know who is poly is a gamer. Fiona is atheist - looking into Buddhism. I still identify as Christian although I don't really believe any religion is right for me. However, I did practice shaking off societal norms years ago when Keith and I decided to start swinging so I'm sure that that helped me embrace this part of myself more than I realize.

I used to play World of Warcraft and Guild Wars, but I'm concentrating on my school now so I don't really have much time to do the MMORPG's any more.

On the other hand, I just recently got a Kindle and have started playing Words with Friends.
 
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