Boundaries

[Honey]

Hello,

My lover and I have been dating for almost 3 years, and we’ve always been open. Before it was ‘don’t ask, don’t tell (what they were comfortable with), but now we have a much more open communication style, and we let each other know when we are seeing our other lovers, having sex, etc.
My issue is, my partner has been dating someone for a few months now, but I don’t know anything about their relationship. My partner says that they feel very uncomfortable talking about it, and their boundary is not talking about it.
I would like to know how they’re progressing, and I also like the idea of possibly meeting her.
Is it wrong for me to question my partner about this some more? I don’t want to overstep the boundary.
TIA <3

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Well, here's what you've said:
1)You had a DADT agreement.
2)That evolved over time
3) You have broached the subject of this other relationships and your partner expressed their boundary. Or maybe they volunteered this without prompting.
4) you'd like to know more than they're willing to share but you're aware it is a boundary.
5) you're asking if it's okay to push on that boundary

The only reason I can think you'd question whether it was okay is if on some level, you thought it actually might be the only right way to do things. Maybe it is for you. It might not be for him. For all relationships or just some of them.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello,

My lover and I have been dating for almost 3 years, and we’ve always been open.

Are you living together in a committed relationship, or not? I am wondering where on the relationship escalator you are. If you're becoming enmeshed, sharing a home and finances, it seems different than if it's just "dating," in separate homes, with more independence. It seems like your partner is pretty independent.

Before it was ‘don’t ask, don’t tell' (what they were comfortable with), but now we have a much more open communication style, and we let each other know when we are seeing our other lovers, having sex, etc. My issue is, my partner has been dating someone for a few months now, but I don’t know anything about their relationship. My partner says that they feel very uncomfortable talking about it, and their boundary is not talking about it.

So it seems to you like you've gone backwards, progressing from DADT to more openness but now back to DADT about this current metamour. I do wonder why things changed and your partner doesn't want to be as forthcoming this time. Maybe they decided they didn't like being more transparent.

I would like to know how they’re progressing, and I also like the idea of possibly meeting her.

Some people want to meet and get to know their metamours and others don't. Being real friendly is called kitchen table poly, and keeping partners separate is called parallel poly. Maybe you and your partner have different styles of poly: you prefer a form of KTP and they prefer something quite parallel, with more privacy.

Is it wrong for me to question my partner about this some more? I don’t want to overstep the boundary.

You can always ask questions and make requests. It understandable you're curious. But then, your partner has the right to not want to answer your questions and to keep this one partner on the other side of that boundary, for whatever reason.

I have found that most polyamorous couples don't do a complete DADT, because it really can reduce intimacy to not know whom they are dating, get a bit of info about what they did on their most recent date (stayed home and chilled, went to a cool restaurant or event, took a trip, took a nice walk somewhere, did household projects, etc., etc.) It's also nice to know in advance who gets to be with whom for birthdays, holidays and vacations. And I definitely appreciate knowing what stage my partner's other r'ship is at. Are they in love? Have they met each other's siblings /parents? Things like that can affect my r'ship status with my partner, and my own plans, in a general way. Like, will I be seeing more or less of partner, if they become more enmeshed or, on the other hand, break up?

I don't need to spend tons of time with my gf Pixi's bf Malachi (my metamour). He's an introverted person so we don't see each other much. It took me seven years to even see him for more than a minute or two at the door! But gradually he has warmed up to the occasional meal together, say two or three times a year. And he's met my son, some of our friends, and my bf Aries too. On the other hand, Aries is real outgoing and would probably love to spend more time hanging out with Pixi and Malachi, but we do have some boundaries in place, for reasons of our own. That's just my example. Everyone does it a bit differently.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

My issue is, my partner has been dating someone for a few months now, but I don’t know anything about their relationship. My partner says that they feel very uncomfortable talking about it, and their boundary is not talking about it.
I would like to know how they’re progressing, and I also like the idea of possibly meeting her.
Is it wrong for me to question my partner about this some more? I don’t want to overstep the boundary.

If you are going to respect hinge's personal boundary that they don't want to talk TMI details about this partner with you, and you already know basics like: this partner exists, and safer sex practices are being used? Then the basics for maintaining your sex health stuff is being met.

Even though you might like to know more stuff about your meta or even meet one day, the meta may have no such desire to meet and the hinge might not either. Could accept that. You can't force people to give more than they want to give.

You could question your partner more about the boundary itself. Like is this a temporary boundary that might change over time, or a permanent one? Would they tell you about major happenings, like they plan to move in together, get married, have a child? Or not even that? Like in a broad way, so you come to clearer understanding on this boundary.

Then you basically decide if you can live with it or not. Because crossing someone's boundary and asking for TMI details about their actual relationship is being nosy and overstepping. They've asked you not to do that.

Asking questions about the boundary itself so you can come to a clearer understanding? I think that is ok to do.

Galagirl

 

[Honey]

Well, here's what you've said:
1)You had a DADT agreement.
2)That evolved over time
3) You have broached the subject of this other relationships and your partner expressed their boundary. Or maybe they volunteered this without prompting.
4) you'd like to know more than they're willing to share but you're aware it is a boundary.
5) you're asking if it's okay to push on that boundary

The only reason I can think you'd question whether it was okay is if on some level, you thought it actually might be the only right way to do things. Maybe it is for you. It might not be for him. For all relationships or just some of them.

Thank you

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has been through something similar?
Maybe we’re not compatible (as I want a more kitchen table style relationship with them), or if it could still work.
are any folks going through something similar? x

 

[Honey]

I'm sorry you struggle.



If you are going to respect hinge's personal boundary that they don't want to talk TMI details about this partner with you, and you already know basics like: this partner exists, and safer sex practices are being used, then the basics for maintaining your sex health stuff is being met.

Even though you might like to know more stuff about your meta or even meet one day, the meta may have no such desire to meet and the hinge might not either. Could accept that. You can't force people to give more than they want to give.

You could question your partner more about the boundary itself, like, is this a temporary boundary that might change over time, or a permanent one? Would they tell you about major happenings, like they plan to move in together, get married, have a child, or not even that? Like in a broad way, so you come to clearer understanding on this boundary.

Then you basically decide if you can live with it or not. Because crossing someone's boundary and asking for TMI details about their actual relationship is being nosy and overstepping. They've asked you not to do that.

Asking questions about the boundary itself so you can come to a clearer understanding? I think that is ok to do.

Galagirl

Thank you, this helps a lot!

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Thank you

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has been through something similar?
Maybe we’re not compatible (as I want a more kitchen table style relationship with them), or if it could still work.
are any folks going through something similar? x

By them do you mean your partner?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Honey,

Has your partner/lover said *why* they feel uncomfortable about talking about their other relationship? You can at least ask them why that is a boundary for them.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Honey]

Hello Honey,

Has your partner/lover said *why* they feel uncomfortable about talking about their other relationship? You can at least ask them why that is a boundary for them.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Hi

I’ve asked, and they say “it’s out of my comfort zone, I don’t want to talk about it.”
My meta is monogamous (which is basically the only thing I know about her) , so a small part of me is insecure that my partner will become monogamous too :/

 

[kdt26417]

I take it then that your partner doesn't want to tell you why. Or maybe they're saying it's a boundary for them but they don't know why it's a boundary. "It's out of my comfort zone" isn't exactly an explanation.

 

[GalaGirl]

My meta is monogamous (which is basically the only thing I know about her) , so a small part of me is insecure that my partner will become monogamous too :/

I guess you could sit with that break-up fear and come to terms with it. If you are worried about a break up, that's a normal risk of dating in any relationship model. The only way to not deal in it is to never date at all. Monogamous people sometimes break up. Polyamorous people sometimes break up. Swingers, kinksters and other kinds of people sometimes break up.

If you really want a KTP situation, or at least garden party, but this partner and their other connections want a very parallel poly V thing, you two might not be compatible, because you have different styles. You can't make them be happy with KTP, if that isn't their thing. They can't make you be happy with super parallel, if that isn't your thing.

I suggest you ask clarifying questions about their boundaries, like: is this a permanent thing, or could it change over time? Do they want forever a super-separate poly V? Or could it become garden party poly or KTP over time? Then sit with it. If it NEVER changes, will you be ok with that?

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has been through something similar?

I do recall a male member here some time ago saying his wife refused to tell him pretty much anything about her newish female partner. I don't think he even got to know her name. His wife would go out alone, and he'd just assume she was going to see her other person. At one point she started to wear a necklace, with a pendant that came in two parts. She said the gf wore the other part. One day, he found that necklace on the counter. Wife had stopped wearing it. By this, he deduced they'd broken up.

That's all so weird and mysterious to me!

Maybe we’re not compatible (as I want a more kitchen table style relationship with them), or maybe it could still work.

I'm sorry Partner is being so mysterious.

Do you live together? Do you have regular frequent enough dates?

 

[SlowPoly]

Hi

I’ve asked, and they say “it’s out of my comfort zone, I don’t want to talk about it.”
My meta is monogamous (which is basically the only thing I know about her) , so a small part of me is insecure that my partner will become monogamous too :/

I might be reading a whole lot into this. But it seems just possible that something about discussing metamour with you might in some way change the way you partner sees and experiences their other relationship.

I have had this problem, where once I tell (for instance) Charlie about Victor, Charlie wants more info on Victor, and even though he tries not to pry, he says his name every few days, and makes suggestions about dates we could do, and wonders where or if he went to college… and Victor starts to be a subject kinda tossed around in my “Charlie” life, by Charlie himself, when I would’ve preferred keeping them separate. It might even start to color how I feel about Victor. I might wish I’d never given Charlie the “power” of Victor’s name, or told Charlie Victor likes to crochet, or mentioned Victor has a kid.

I mean. Sometimes I want something just for myself, and I don’t need Charlie to know all about Victor, or my annual solo sushi binge, or the name of the kid I used to hold hands with in second grade …. I only need Charlie to know the part of me I’m offering to Charlie. It’s not about having secrets. Just … not giving someone my entire everything.

All that said, since you don’t feel the urge to be super private, maybe tell your partner they are welcome to share your contact info with meta for emergency purposes. They probably won’t reciprocate, and partner may not even share the info, but you will have done what you can to make it possible for them to reach you.

 

[Bobbi]

My meta is monogamous (which is basically the only thing I know about her) , so a small part of me is insecure that my partner will become monogamous too :/

For me, if my partner was unwilling to suddenly not share about a specific monogamous partner, my concern would be that they don’t know I exist…..maybe your partner is in a “monogamous relationship“ with meta in their eyes. The less you know, the less of a chance that that relationship gets blown up.

That being said, I know couples do have DADT agreements and that may work for you. It does not work for me as consent cannot happen if everyone isn’t in the know. I’m big on consent.

you need to work out the types of relationships you want to have and if consent is important on all sides. If you are okay with everyone being in the dark about partners other relationships then DADT will work for you. If not then you and partner need to have a serious discussion.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Personally on the KTP to separate parallel spectrum, I am agnostic. Anything from cohabitating to not knowing more than a nickname and emergency contact number is on the table. I know that I prefer NOT to know sexual details and very personal info that only the person they apply to has the right to share.

My concerns in your situation would be: 1.) She doesn't know that you exist, 2.) This "monogamous" person is in a cheating affair with your partner. Either of these situations could put you at real risk if a.) she comes looking for you, b.) her other partner comes looking for your partner.

I have had this problem, where once I tell (for instance) Charlie about Victor, Charlie wants more info on Victor, and even though he tries not to pry, he says his name every few days, and makes suggestions about dates we could do, and wonders where or if he went to college… and Victor starts to be a subject kinda tossed around in my “Charlie” life, by Charlie himself, when I would’ve preferred keeping them separate. It might even start to color how I feel about Victor. I might wish I’d never given Charlie the “power” of Victor’s name, or told Charlie Victor likes to crochet, or mentioned Victor has a kid.

I mean. Sometimes I want something just for myself, and I don’t need Charlie to know all about Victor, or my annual solo sushi binge, or the name of the kid I used to hold hands with in second grade …. I only need Charlie to know the part of me I’m offering to Charlie. It’s not about having secrets. Just … not giving someone my entire everything.

I also grok this! It would irritate the FUCK out of me, and I would definitely call it out (loudly) each time it happened. "Charlie, I do NOT want to discuss Victor with you. You need to STOP." and "Charlie, did you just say 'Victor'? Because that is NOT a topic of conversation right now, I will let you know if anything goes down that you need to know about." Dude, early on, would sometimes start speculating about if it was just the two of us and MrS wasn't in the picture. HARD STOP. "Dude, that is NOT going to happen, I don't want to hear any more about it, ever. If you MUST have those thoughts, you are going to have to keep them to yourself...or leave." (Given what happened, that may not have been the best approach...but I meant it.)

JaneQ