Breaking Up

ellie

New member
So I've posted here in here in the past and everyone has been wonderful. I really can't believe what has happened. I've been in an open relationship for a year and half, or so I thought. My ex has been seeing his secondary for around 5 months. I guess he's been putting us through a test (me and the secondary). I ended up sleeping with another guy once and told him about it. He broke up with me because he was testing me and the secondary. Giving us "carte blanche" do be open but he didn't want us to sleep with anyone else, while he could have outside relationships.

He said it's different for guys and girls. With girls it's more emotional. Are you kidding me? If he asked me to be mono I would have. I thought the whole concept of being poly was to have multiple caring relationships.

I told him I didn't want to sleep/or be with anyone else before, that he's the only one I wanted. The guy I ended up sleeping with was random and almost like a friend and I was feeling really lonely as he added a third into the mix as of late.

Any advice from anyone? I feel really confused and lost. I feel like I shouldn't have slept with the other guy. I even felt bad I did because I cared about my ex so much. I just don't get it. :(
 

FireChild

New member
There's a difference between poly and open. Which one you are determines how over the line you were. If you're just open, then you're guilty of not letting him know first. If you're poly and you've determine that any sex had will be within an established relationship then you'd be wrong for 1) not telling him you were interested in this guy and 2) sleeping with this guy without officially being in a relationship.


Either way setting people up to fail like your ex did (you can sleep and have relationships with other people but if you do I'll dump you) is wrong. Dead ass wrong.

If I read what you wrote correctly he gave you the option of being open but didn't actually expect you to take it. Lame.
 

ellie

New member
There's a difference between poly and open. Which one you are determines how over the line you were. If you're just open, then you're guilty of not letting him know first. If you're poly and you've determine that any sex had will be within an established relationship then you'd be wrong for 1) not telling him you were interested in this guy and 2) sleeping with this guy without officially being in a relationship.


Either way setting people up to fail like your ex did (you can sleep and have relationships with other people but if you do I'll dump you) is wrong. Dead ass wrong.

If I read what you wrote correctly he gave you the option of being open but didn't actually expect you to take it. Lame.


I think it was more open. He didn't tell me until he actually slept with the other women. Yes you did read correctly he gave me and his secondary the option to be be open but didn't want us to take it. He said it was his way of testing us.

I did end up calling his secondary to tell her what's he's doing as she is also a mono (long story short, she didn't know about me until very recently, he refused to tell her). But I guess I look like the "crazy ex". I can't believe I wasted a year and a half on something which I thought was a loving relationship.
 

FireChild

New member
I think it was more open. He didn't tell me until he actually slept with the other women. Yes you did read correctly he gave me and his secondary the option to be be open but didn't want us to take it. He said it was his way of testing us.

I did end up calling his secondary to tell her what's he's doing as she is also a mono (long story short, she didn't know about me until very recently, he refused to tell her). But I guess I look like the "crazy ex". I can't believe I wasted a year and a half on something which I thought was a loving relationship.

1. He wants open communication but he didn't give it.
2. Again he set you up to fail and he's a douche for it.
3. What yall had wasn't really a poly relationship of any sort; he just used that to cover his cheating ass.
4. You're better off.
 

ellie

New member
I know I am, and thank you for your words. He's been there through a lot of stuff with me and it just really hurts at the moment. I was in utter shock as this is what he wanted not me (the openness). I even laughed and asked if he was serious as that was our agreement. Just feel like I gave so much and was willing to try at a new type of relationship like this. Ugh! lol.
 

FireChild

New member
Betrayal always hurts. Poly isn't for everyone but it's not all bad either. Don't judge the lifestyle by asses like him. :(

I'm really really sorry for what he did to you.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
He should go join the Mormon church :)...

Ellie, you had a good life lesson, learned about a new relationship style and progressed yourself along the way. Take those lessons and move on, understanding that there are douche bags in the poly world or the mono world. Unfortunately we just have to learn to deal with them. :)
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Any advice from anyone? I feel really confused and lost. I feel like I shouldn't have slept with the other guy. I even felt bad I did because I cared about my ex so much. I just don't get it. :(

You have nothing to regret. You were setup. If he were a cop, it would be called entrapment. Chances are, if his motivation was a test and you failed, then even if you'd passed, there would have been some future test that you would eventually have failed.

The whole "different for guys than girls" crap is typical misogyny. Sexist. Unfounded in fact.

IMO, you dodged a bullet. You got out after a year and a half instead of 15 years. You're free of the lying trickster, and better for it.

I think it was more open. He didn't tell me until he actually slept with the other women. Yes you did read correctly he gave me and his secondary the option to be be open but didn't want us to take it. He said it was his way of testing us.

It's a gross double-standard for him to do something he considers inappropriate for you. Totally bogus, totally lame, totally loserville.
 

TL4everu2

New member
1. He wants open communication but he didn't give it.
2. Again he set you up to fail and he's a douche for it.
3. What yall had wasn't really a poly relationship of any sort; he just used that to cover his cheating ass.
4. You're better off.
I agree with every part of this post. :cool: Especially #4
 

DragonPie

New member
Wow.

What a manipulative asshole.

Trying to make it seem like it's your fault that something he didn't like happened even when you agreed to it is manipulative abusive behavior.
 

AutumnalTone

New member

ellie

New member
Yea after a week of, mourning, not being able to listen to music (for fear of crying), talking to friends who agreed he totally "tricked" me and said I was better off with out him, and some heavy retail therapy (yes I totally need those red heels that say "f*ck me* hehehe) I'm starting to realize, even though I truly loved him and still care for him, he abused my trust and feelings and I didn't deserve that, especially since I thought we were so open and honest with each other.. No matter how nice to me on the outside he was. Actions speak louder than words, and karma is a b*tch!!! :)
 

Honestheart

New member
he sounds like one confused guy who drug you down though his confused relationship shit...
i feel for you both.
(((hugs))))
and please PLEASE do not judge poly based off this guy.
and yes, he did set you up to fail... you shouldn't have to TEST your loved one...
i'm sorry for you both, but i think you're both better off. i just hope his OSO is okay too... at least you tried to warn her.
(((hugs)))
 

redsirenn

New member
I can't believe I wasted a year and a half on something which I thought was a loving relationship.

It was not a waste. Did you learn something new about yourself? Grow as a person? Discover more of what you would want in a new relationship?

If you answered yes to even one of those, then this was not a wasted year and a half. You are probably in a better position to get what you really want!
 

Erato

New member
I'm sorry that happened to you, ellie.

It's great to see that you're moving on and realising that this is not the end of the world. The post break up heart ache can really swing things out of perspective. You played by his rules and he didn't like the taste of his own medicine. Personally, I think anyone who will break up with me at the drop of a hat is not worth my time (unless I have somehow genuinely done something horrible like killed their sister or something!).

Good luck with living and loving with your new found freedom. <3
 

idealist

Member
I feel really confused and lost. :(

Yeah....sorry you're going through this....a wise friend once said...."when you feel confused, it may be because you are being manipulated" ...... looks like it's true in your case.....sorry :-(
 

TL4everu2

New member
Yeah....sorry you're going through this....a wise friend once said...."when you feel confused, it may be because you are being manipulated" ...... looks like it's true in your case.....sorry :-(
I'm a bit confused...as is a very close friend of mine...But neither of us is trying to manipulate the other. :confused: We are confused because we both have feelings for each other...but not sure how to go about acting on them.....My wife would be ok with it....but her husband is not really on board at this time, and may never get there, sadly. :(

So it's possible to be confused without being manipulated. In Ellie's instance, she truly WAS being manipulated...and that sux.
 
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