Broken Heart As Expected

newcrew

New member
I'm still new here and I guess I need advice and support and there's no one here in my life to get it from. He's older and has everything I want from man and my husband is in support and we have gotten closer, we spent some time today and when I got home I just felt myself sink into a lonely and sad place of tears and sorrow. I don't think his wife is going for it, and that's what I sort of felt like was going to happen and maybe I'm wrong but it feels like we'll just never be alone. Well we will because we have some plans with friends and she won't be there. But I don't want to hurt her, she's a very dear older friend as well. I have been here before with another older man when I was a lot younger and I know this pain and sadness. I feel like I have been missing this man for so many years and I could run away with him and I'd be with the perfect match. And he's been telling me for weeks now he is mad about me. He's had relationships and sex outside of his marriage so I had my hopes up...and maybe there is hope still..I just feel really discouraged today after seeing them both. And I just want to cry and get a bottle of wine and sob till the pain is gone. On the other hand he might take the plunge in the next couple weeks and just devour me as I hope he does. He deserves it. I'd be happy to reciprocate. We need to reach that next level of communication so I know what's going on, we need time alone, he's the one making it. I just really need some comfort. Thanks guys, I was so happy when I got to my computer to write. xoxo
 

Lea

New member
So what I'm reading is that you've met someone besides your husband to have a poly relationship with, and you also know his wife, but don't think his wife will be ok with the relationship?

"I don't think his wife is going to go for it"

"he's had relationships and sex outside of his marriage so I had my hopes up"

Does she know? Because if she doesn't know and you're doing things with him that's not poly it's cheating. And you absolutely should not do things with the man until he's discussed it with his wife.

If he won't or doesn't and just wants a fling, then you should walk away, because as much as you have feelings for him - and we've all been there - you'll end up hurt either way.

~hugs and comforts~
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi newcrew,

Sorry to hear you've been hurting lately. It sounds like you need some time alone with the older gentleman, or to be frank and specific, away from his wife. Not that you don't like her, just that you need some private time with him. Maybe the thing to do is to straight up ask him for some private time, just you and him. "Can we have some private time, just me and you? I need that." Like that.

Don't know if that helps, but it's what I was thinking as I read your post.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

newcrew

New member
more specific

Ya she knows he loves me, I just think it's ultimately her decision because she's his wife and that she won't want him to be with me. I was trying to keep the post simple with less details. We have had some semi alone time the other day doing a project but I think he is more open than she. I'm almost feeling like I need to move on now before I get really hurt. Or maybe I just need to take it more slowly. I'm being positive and the benefits are still something I appreciate, I'm learning and I'm gaining new skills. Just the way he tells me how he feels about me it really feels like there is something there and it tugs on my heart strings big time. I can't keep analyzing everything though, if it's meant to be it's meant to be. We will be meeting to do our project soon in the next couple weeks and she won't be there maybe I'll get a better read on his intentions and plans. I am being drawn in though no matter what. I can feel it by the hour.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I have been here before with another older man when I was a lot younger and I know this pain and sadness.

Then don't repeat it.

I'm almost feeling like I need to move on now before I get really hurt.

I think you could listen to yourself. Put the brakes on to obtain actual consent from all players. If you are going to start an Open relationship with him, go there ethically. Not all... weird and shady sounding. :(

This woman is supposed to be your friend too. How friendly are you being toward her when things are not on the level? How friendly is he being to his wife? Or to YOU?

he's been telling me for weeks now he is mad about me.

he tells me how he feels about me it really feels like there is something there and it tugs on my heart strings big time.

Is he love bombing you just to get in your pants?

He's had relationships and sex outside of his marriage so I had my hopes up

Is he basically telling you he's cheated before and tapping you to see if you are up for being his next cheating affair partner?

Do these people actually practice Open marriage?

If not?

I hope you decide you are worth dating on the up and up. If he's looking to date you properly, he could stop hitting on you. He could square up his business at home first. THEN make you a proper dating offer. Not be making you cheating affair offers.

If he's not actually in an Open marriage? And he's telling you lovey-dovey things while you two are supposed to be collaborating on a project for work?

  • He's breaking his Closed agreements with his wife.
  • He's not actually available to date. He's not looking to date you properly. He's looking to have a cheating affair with you as his cheating accomplice.
  • He's behaving inappropriately and you are not telling him to cut it out and keep things professional.
  • You could let your friend (his wife) AND him know you are interested in dating him, but only on the up and up.

No shenanigans.

Galagirl
 
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newcrew

New member
replying

Then don't repeat it.


I think you could listen to yourself. Put the brakes on to obtain actual consent from all players. If you are going to start an Open relationship with him, go there ethically. Not all... weird and shady sounding. :(

This woman is supposed to be your friend too. How friendly are you being toward her when things are not on the level? How friendly is he being to his wife? Or to YOU?





Is he love bombing you just to get in your pants?



Is he basically telling you he's cheated before and tapping you to see if you are up for being his next cheating affair partner?

Do these people actually practice Open marriage?

If not?

I hope you decide you are worth dating on the up and up. If he's looking to date you properly, he could stop hitting on you. He could square up his business at home first. THEN make you a proper dating offer. Not be making you cheating affair offers.

If he's not actually in an Open marriage? And he's telling you lovey-dovey things while you two are supposed to be collaborating on a project for work?

  • He's breaking his Closed agreements with his wife.
  • He's not actually available to date. He's not looking to date you properly. He's looking to have a cheating affair with you as his cheating accomplice.
  • He's behaving inappropriately and you are not telling him to cut it out and keep things professional.
  • You could let your friend (his wife) AND him know you are interested in dating him, but only on the up and up.

No shenanigans.

Galagirl

I'm more of a feelings person, and when communicating in a new world with a new topic like polyamory there's a lot to learn. I tried to get my actual feelings out without telling every detail and address and phone number, so that it could be related to. I know rules are important, I'm a mother and I've been a mother for a long time. I exercise boundaries very well and respect rules. I don't want to barge in and explode all over someone's territory, I respect fully that a wife has feelings too. I am a wife. This is a very delicate situation and he has been amazing with his communication and instigating dialogue about polyamory, he asks great questions and I am often too nervous to really express myself. I felt very upset this day when I wrote this and wanted to relate and get advice, what I wrote might be really amateur for this site but I'm not just sharing stories and having fun right now, I'm actually trying to initiate intimacy with this man and I'm having a hard time. I didn't do anything wrong and I think I like both of them a lot and even almost the same way. I just feel more strongly connected to him and want him. I have recently helped a girl move away from a poly relationship with a committed couple, I think I know when to stop. And I think it's totally normal to have feelings like this, sadness, hurt, fear, loss, and I'm repeating feelings I've had before with an older man. In fact I've contacted that past lover and he has invited me to come and cuddle and get some feedback. Communication is a big important key so I'm using this site as a medium of communication, and I"m learning. This is the right place for advice. I want advice and I want guidance. I don't want to give up. I definitely felt like I had no chance yesterday and I'm feeling better today. Just because he is way older doesn't mean it's going to be over before I have a chance. I just need to know what to do. He said he has made relationships work outside his marriage before. Maybe she is scared because they are older and she fears she won't have as much love or something, but I think she would benefit from it, from more love. I think he wants to try, he's that kind of guy. I would even be open to an intimate relationship with her but I think she is a little bit more in her own world than that. It would be hard to get in there. Don't know why and won't go into it, but she is truly beautiful and delightful. I love them both. I just have this connection with him. It's been a rough start. 5 years of small baby steps.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I just need to know what to do. He said he has made relationships work outside his marriage before.

Could you please be willing to clarify? What does that mean exactly? He's made it work before? "Work" for who? Just him? All participants? Only some? :confused:

That's the vague part in all this. Did you ask him what this means?

If he is already practicing an Open marriage and his wife is cool with that, what's the problem? His wife and your husband are cool with it. He wants to date you. You want to date him. So... date. Where's the hold up? :confused:

I think it's totally normal to have feelings like this, sadness, hurt, fear, loss.

What are all those feelings from? Usually dating people is a joyful thing. What's sucking the joy out of it for you?

If the hold up is that he's not actually practicing an Open marriage right now? And you are worrying about getting hurt?

You could tell him thanks, but not right at this time. Tell him to finish Opening his marriage first. Look you up later. In the meanwhile, be professional at work and stop hitting on you.

If he's trying to be ethical but jumping the gun from excitement or whatever? Slow down and clear things up at home with his wife first.

If he's not actually trying to be ethical, steer clear. Move on before you get hurt.

If you want to date on the up and up -- seek to date on the up and up. Keep this WAY simpler on yourself.

Maybe she is scared because they are older and she fears she won't have as much love or something, but I think she would benefit from it, from more love. I think he wants to try, he's that kind of guy.

That makes it sound like they are not currently practicing Open marriage at this time. Are they?

If they have not actually Opened their marriage yet? I think you and him dating right now would be premature.

Galagirl
 
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newcrew

New member
What does that mean exactly? He's made it work before? :confused: "Work" for who? Just him? All participants? Only some?

That's the vague part in all this. Did you ask him what this means?

If he is already practicing an Open marriage and his wife is cool with that, what's the problem? His wife and your husband are cool with it. He wants to date you. You want to date him. So... date. Where's the hold up? :confused:

If the hold up is that he's not actually practicing an Open marriage right now? And you are worrying about getting hurt?
Could tell him thanks, but not right at this time. Tell him to finish Opening his marriage first. Look you up later. In the meanwhile, be professional at work and stop hitting on you.

If he's trying to be ethical but jumping the gun from excitement or whatever? Slow down and clear things up at home with his wife first.

If he's not actually trying to be ethical, steer clear. Move on before you get hurt.

If you want to date on the up and up -- seek to date on the up and up. Keep this WAY simpler on yourself.



That makes it sound like they are not currently practicing Open marriage at this time. Are they?

If they have not actually Opened their marriage yet? I think you and him dating right now would be premature.

Galagirl

I'm sending you a PM and I will discuss this all with him when we are alone. We haven't been alone much.
 
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