can a poly love a mono?

Kraven

New member
i'm polyamorous....does that mean i have to date other Polyamorous women or should i broaden my horizon? Can i date a mono and still live my lifestyle or am i doomed to resort to like minded individuals?

Is there anyone out there living this way, loving a mono? If so then what has your experience been like?
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
i'm polyamorous....does that mean i have to date other Polyamorous women or should i broaden my horizon? Can i date a mono and still live my lifestyle or am i doomed to resort to like minded individuals?

Is there anyone out there living this way, loving a mono? If so then what has your experience been like?

Great question! I love two mono's. The thing is-that you and they must accept that what is needed for you-isn't what is needed for them and vice versa-but yes you can love a mono if you are a poly and a mono can quite certainly love a poly as well. It just requires a great deal of respect, understanding and acceptance of one anothers differences.
 

vandalin

New member
Simply put, yes, a poly can love a mono. That doesn't mean that the mono will accept their love living a poly lifestyle or that they will join into a poly family (as I am learning the hard way) but basically a V relationship is just that, one poly with two mono's otherwise it becomes a W or a tangle or some other form.

If you want to have a truly poly relationship and a truly healthy relationship then you will have to at least have your partners', whether mono or poly, acceptance of your poly ways.

And if you've read any of the forum you may have noticed that Redpepper loves a mono man, MonoV in fact.
 

redpepper

New member
Are you serious! Have you read anything on this forum???:p

Of course you can....

Not without tons of work, but then poly is work anyway.
 
C

Ceoli

Guest
Is it just me or does using words like "a poly" and "a mono" make it sound like two different species of animals or two different gangs or something like that? The Poly's vs. The Mono's.

We're people! Being poly or mono is about how we have relationships!

(taking my tongue out of my cheek now)
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Is it just me or does using words like "a poly" and "a mono" make it sound like two different species of animals or two different gangs or something like that? The Poly's vs. The Mono's.

We're people! Being poly or mono is about how we have relationships!

(taking my tongue out of my cheek now)

In a way it does Ceoli-but so does primary, secondary etc. The thing is-words are just pictures that describe what we are talking about. For some people it's more than just how they have a relationship, it's more than even just a lifestyle, it's how they define themselves.
My "second" (another description that makes me ill) doesn't just live a mono relationship. He is in love with one person, not even one person at a time, just flat one person. Since he was 17 years old he's been in love with one person. His heart is wired for only one person ever.

Now for me that concept isn't just "foreign" it's so completely impossible it's like someone telling me that ET really landed and is waiting on my doorstep to come in! But for him the fact that I can and do love him and my husband and my ex girlfriend deeply and permantently.... that isn't just a foreign concept for him, it's impossible for him.

So sometimes those words help us understand instrinsic parts of a person that without being close to them we otherwise wouldn't comprehend at all and even with the words we only grasp peripherally.
 
C

Ceoli

Guest
(LR, I was being tongue in cheek with what I posted, meaning I wasn't being terribly serious about it. :) ) There are all sorts of conversations that have been had and to be had about the relationships that exist between our identities and our lifestyles and everything in between, I get that. I was just remarking about how funny it sounded in general, that's all.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Sorry Ceoli! I have issues getting nuances in text at times! But I wasn't offended. :)

I've really enjoyed the last week of reading your posts. Feel like I'm really learning a lot!
 

maca

New member
I am totally new to this understanding of my life as it stands(meaning I really didnt have a definetion of how my relationship functions).My wife is a poly she loves many ppl at the same time some near to us some very distant.I have allways considered myself mono_Once I REALLY accepted my wife for who she is and has to be in order to be true to herself.I realised I was only scared and I worried about how I would look to outside ppl.

Seeing her grow and thrive seeing her become a joy to the world, I mean wow it blows my mind,Forces me to look at love in a whole new light.

So.. to give my opinon I think a poly can love a mono and visaversa but all involved need to understand and accept the others. If they can do that REALLY do that then anything is possible.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I hope so :eek:

Sustainability is the bigger question...can a poly exist healthily in love with a mono and vice a versa for a long time....That is question! And yes, I intend to answer it!!

But that's the only question I am answering....I am mono afterall, one at a time for this cracker!! :)
 
Last edited:

MonoVCPHG

New member
In referance to your original question though, Kraven. I think polies would do better to stick with polies and monos with monos. I feel it is rare for the union to work and it is a mountain of work!! But if you get there...WOW!!
 

moonandstars

New member
I am quite interested in this distininction between mono and poly. Since I am quite new to this whole concept of poly (my husband brought it into our marriage), and i would consider myself mono so far.

some people on this forum say that we are "wired" in a certain way? what does this mean or imply? that it is not actually a decision? that it is your nature (some sort of biological conditioning) or educational/societal conditioning, that is very hard or almost impossible to be undone?

some say it is a decision the way you want to live your relationship.So it means that anyone (openminded and courageous enough) can live it. I can see both possibilities. so far i haven't figured it out for me,, where being/living one or the other way comes from. All i can say, my husband does love me, and I am rather mono, whereas he has recently found out that he has a rather poly way of loving people and building relationship.
I can also say that is an LOT of work for both sides. And it is important that the polypartner does that work as well, even though it feels that poly is so natural to him/her. The accompanying and giving space to the monopartners fears and worries is a very importan point, in mho.
A crucial point in the beginning might (was for us at least) be that the monopartner's worries might threaten one of the relationship. they might be understood as - "if she/he worries about all this, this might mean that he/she wants me to give up the other relationship". And it is obvious that if you love somone and you are about to build a relationship this kind of worry is a sort of threat to the other relationship. In these circumstances it is very hard for the polypartern to REALLY listen the monopartners worries etc. At least for us beginners this was an understanding that helped calm some discussions.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
some people on this forum say that we are "wired" in a certain way? what does this mean or imply? that it is not actually a decision? that it is your nature (some sort of biological conditioning) .

For me, being wired mono or poly is as natural as being gay or straight. It's a black or white thing for me..biological for sure. But this is me. Others are conditioned.
It most definitely is not a decision for me. I simply love one romantic partner at a time. This is not a guess for me..it's been proven.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
The question of mono poly relationships is so broad really. A poly relationship may be continually open to new relationships creating a very fluid dynamic. Other poly relationships may be very closed consisting of three or four people who are committed in a polyfidelous union.

Some dynamics will be more challenging for mono natures to accept and for poly natures to be healthy in. The key is to determine if the relationship is worth getting through the initial work in order to achieve positivity in every one's life and heart.

Drop the labels if you want and just accept that everyone of us is an individual. Every relationship will be shaped according to many aspects of each individual.
 

redpepper

New member
check out Mono's threads and posts from the early days... he wrote a lot and discovered a lot during that time that might help in your quest for your truth.
 

moonandstars

New member
It most definitely is not a decision for me. I simply love one romantic partner at a time. This is not a guess for me..it's been proven.


proven?? has any research been done on this?? where?? any literature, studies i can read about that?? or what do you mean with proven??
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
proven?? has any research been done on this?? where?? any literature, studies i can read about that?? or what do you mean with proven??

You missed my point..."for me"..not for anyone else..."for me". It's been proven through my life experiences and relationships. Although there is a study on mice that River mentioned which was interesting and pointed to a genetic link to mono and poly natures.

Whether you are wired a certain way, conditioned a certain way, or whatever, it comes down to you as an individual. People aren't that simple internally.

Why the need for scientific proof of human nature things anyways? What are you really looking for?
 

vandalin

New member
proven?? has any research been done on this?? where?? any literature, studies i can read about that?? or what do you mean with proven??

He meant for himself it was proven...just for himself. Not implying that this is how it has to be for others.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
moon-

some people (like me) just know they are poly and operate that way from early childhood. I always loved more than one person and regularly dated in twos and threes.

Other people (like my boyfriend) are flat out mono. They never fall for more than one person at a time, and in his case- really only one person EVER in their life. He's not even one who loves one person at a time, but one person period. He's been in love with me since he was 17 years old.

still others are like my dear husband who were taught that monogomy is the RIGHT way to be during marriage and that any experience with more than one person needed to be had prior to saying "I do". He has poly "tendencies" and can be happy and enjoy sexual experiences in controlled group situations, he can love more than one person to a degree but he's conditioned for a monogomous relationship.

My boyfriend-he's not likely to change, like Mono on here-he doesn't see the point. He would rather be alone than try to be with someone else.

I am not likely to change either-despite trying, I simply DO love more than one person at a time and when I try to block the emotions for one, what I accomplish is simply shutting down all of my emotions across the board.

My husband-well he flip/flops. He MUST have security that he IS loved and that no one is going to leave him. He CAN be happy in a monogomous relationship but he also can enjoy having more then one relationship. So it's really a matter of ensuring that he's TREATED right, his needs are met and that he's happy-not what type of relationship it is.

Does that make sense at all??

I think you are asking "is it this or this" and the answer is, it is both. Some people are wired one way or another and some people are trained to be one way or the other.
 
Top