Can I be the platonic partner?

MelloHippie

New member
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
I am new to the world of poly. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and we always knew we didn’t want to be monogamous. Not many opportunities arose to explore outside relationships though other than some tinder messages here in there.

My husband and I recently had discussed and asked out one of our close friends that we’ve had for a year and a half. We knew they were interested in dating a couple and with how often they were over and how well we all got along it seemed like the next step. Keep in mind prior to the official calling of the relationship there hadn’t been much physical intimacy other than hugs and some cuddles. So when we all decide to date the physical side started coming out, as it should, but I found myself struggling to enjoy those things with our new partner. Basic things like kisses, one on one cuddles, long hugs etc.

A few weeks in I had a convo with everyone that I had decided to take a step back from the relationship because I just wasn’t feeling very romantically invested in our new partner. Please understand that I do love this person but sometimes the lines between romantic and platonic love aren’t the most clear and I was uneducated with the poly world and in some ways I felt we all had to do this together. That’s ultimately what my husband and I wanted even though we established we could date separately.

My husband and them continue to date and I’m perfectly fine with that. Now I wasn’t completely uncomfortable with our new partner, in all other aspects aside from physical I felt they were a partner to me. When I’ve thought about our future I think of them in it. I see them as my family and in ways I do want to be with them all together in a relationship. So is it possible for me to still be a partner to them in a triad/poly relationship if it’s platonic between myself and the new partner? Romantic between husband and myself. Romantic between husband and new partner. Platonic between new partner and myself but still considered partners.

In the end I know this is something to be discussed and decided between myself and the 2 other people involved. And if we feel that’s what’s right we can chose to make that our titles. But is this something that happens normally in the poly world? I feel like I love this new partner more than a friend, but I don’t really want to be physical. I also feel like I’m teetering on the Ace spectrum within my own physical sexual needs so that’s something to keep in mind I guess. I do feel comfortable being physical with my husband but there are times that the desire for me is far and few between.

Just looking for some thoughts on the matter. Please be kind with any responses you write. I am new.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
There is no "normal" relationship configuration in the poly world, that's the point 😊

We design relationships that suit the people involved!

You sound like you are a happy romantic triad with a sexual V in there and intentions toward a life partnership, and that's cool! You do you.
 
Last edited:

Eponine

Active member
Labels are just convenient words to describe your relationships, but what really matters is the substance. As long as everyone is happy with what you have, it doesn't really matter whether you call yourselves partners or close friends.

That said, if you feel you love this person more than a friend, I wouldn't find it strange to call them a partner, even if you're not physically intimate. I used to be in a triad where I was romantic with one person (A) but not with the other (B). I shared some physical affection with B, but not as much as with A. But emotionally I felt both were equally significant. (The three of us are still close but not as intense as before, so I tend to say they're close friends/comets rather than partners now. We never discussed changing relationship labels though, since we're all happy with our current connections, which is all that matters.)

You may find the concept of relationship anarchy relevant to you. It's appealing to a lot of people who don't draw a clear line between romantic and platonic relationships.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Sounds fine to me.

Totally possible for you all to arrange your poly grouping like
  • Romantic between husband and you.
  • Romantic between husband and new partner.
  • Platonic between new partner and you, but still considered partners.
Each grouping gets to pick how they want to be together.

Galagirl
 

MelloHippie

New member
There is no "normal" relationship configuration in the poly world, that's the point 😊

We design relationships that suit the people involved!

You sound like you are a happy romantic triad with a sexual V in there and intentions toward a life partnership, and that's cool! You do you.
I don’t really feel romantically towards the new partner at this moment. But I do feel a deep connection with them and consider them a part of my family.
 

MelloHippie

New member
Sounds fine to me.

Totally possible for you all to arrange your poly grouping like
  • Romantic between husband and you.
  • Romantic between husband and new partner.
  • Platonic between new partner and you, but still considered partners.
Each grouping gets to pick how they want to be together.

Galagirl
Thank you this helps a lot.
 

MelloHippie

New member
Labels are just convenient words to describe your relationships, but what really matters is the substance. As long as everyone is happy with what you have, it doesn't really matter whether you call yourselves partners or close friends.

That said, if you feel you love this person more than a friend, I wouldn't find it strange to call them a partner, even if you're not physically intimate. I used to be in a triad where I was romantic with one person (A) but not with the other (B). I shared some physical affection with B, but not as much as with A. But emotionally I felt both were equally significant. (The three of us are still close but not as intense as before, so I tend to say they're close friends/comets rather than partners now. We never discussed changing relationship labels though, since we're all happy with our current connections, which is all that matters.)

You may find the concept of relationship anarchy relevant to you. It's appealing to a lot of people who don't draw a clear line between romantic and platonic relationships.
This helped and made me feel better about the situation. Thank you.
 

SarahD

New member
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
I am new to the world of poly. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and we always knew we didn’t want to be monogamous. Not many opportunities arose to explore outside relationships though other than some tinder messages here in there.

My husband and I recently had discussed and asked out one of our close friends that we’ve had for a year and a half. We knew they were interested in dating a couple and with how often they were over and how well we all got along it seemed like the next step. Keep in mind prior to the official calling of the relationship there hadn’t been much physical intimacy other than hugs and some cuddles. So when we all decide to date the physical side started coming out, as it should, but I found myself struggling to enjoy those things with our new partner. Basic things like kisses, one on one cuddles, long hugs etc.

A few weeks in I had a convo with everyone that I had decided to take a step back from the relationship because I just wasn’t feeling very romantically invested in our new partner. Please understand that I do love this person but sometimes the lines between romantic and platonic love aren’t the most clear and I was uneducated with the poly world and in some ways I felt we all had to do this together. That’s ultimately what my husband and I wanted even though we established we could date separately.

My husband and them continue to date and I’m perfectly fine with that. Now I wasn’t completely uncomfortable with our new partner, in all other aspects aside from physical I felt they were a partner to me. When I’ve thought about our future I think of them in it. I see them as my family and in ways I do want to be with them all together in a relationship. So is it possible for me to still be a partner to them in a triad/poly relationship if it’s platonic between myself and the new partner? Romantic between husband and myself. Romantic between husband and new partner. Platonic between new partner and myself but still considered partners.

In the end I know this is something to be discussed and decided between myself and the 2 other people involved. And if we feel that’s what’s right we can chose to make that our titles. But is this something that happens normally in the poly world? I feel like I love this new partner more than a friend, but I don’t really want to be physical. I also feel like I’m teetering on the Ace spectrum within my own physical sexual needs so that’s something to keep in mind I guess. I do feel comfortable being physical with my husband but there are times that the desire for me is far and few between.

Just looking for some thoughts on the matter. Please be kind with any responses you write. I am new.
It is totally possible to be at the top of a V and have a healthy happy non intimate relationship with you metamor. My “sister wife and I call each other “left foot, right foot”
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello MelloHippie,

Of course you can be the platonic partner, you can be anything you want. You are actually thinking of something called a V, it is when your husband is a "hinge" and has two partners, you and your close friend. While you and your close friend have a warm relationship with each other but are not physical with each other. You are "the legs of the V."

I come from an MFM V myself. There is my partner, the female hinge of the V, and there are the two legs of the V, me and her husband, and we (the males) are friends with each other but are not romantically involved with each other. This is a valid configuration in poly, and is in fact one of the most successful configurations. So do not feel bad if you have an FMF V type of a situation. There is nothing wrong with that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It sounds like you are creating the poly relationship shape that suits all 3 of you best. Especially since you are grey-ace, it stands to reason you're not full-on sexually attracted to this friend/potential partner. And if your husband has a more average sex drive, this is a win for him.

Poly is fully adaptable to the people doing it. There is no right or wrong way to do poly, as long as there are mutual consent, respect, honest communication and all that good adult-relationship jazz.

As you may have learned, there is no need for a couple to both date the same person. In fact, polyamorists usually date independently. It's rare that both members of a couple will be attracted to the same person, and rare for that person to feel the same about 2 people in a couple. Each dyad develops at its own pace.
 
Top