about v's and ldrs??? especially different countries, as we are suppossed to be moving to italy later this year... i have read thru the ldr threads, and got alot of great info but most of them seemed to be a bit older and not very recent. im not sure what i am looking for, other than a good way for this to work out... especially with them being friends too. we lost a few friends after our first move and we are only 12 hours from home... i dont want us to lose another friend who means so much to us. any advice would be appreciated...
can someone tell me their stories...
- Thread starter ashylove
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SourGirl
Member
LDR`s are only workable, if both parties ( those living away from each other) are on the same page as to what they want from the relationship.
I personally, don`t mind LDR`s at all. In the past, they have proven to be interesting. I once dated someone ( albeit , a pilot) From Oregon, USA, while I lived in Ontario, Canada. What a great time that was. We had similiar hobbies, and enjoyed each others company quite a bit.
There is a bit of a conundrum when it comes to successful LDR`s. You have to make sure there is either a end-result goal, ( We will be together in x-amount of time. We will work towards that timeline.) or a series of mini goals, so that the relationship progresses over the long term. ( We wont ever live together, but our goal is to see each other every ____weeks, or months. Here is a plan, lets make it happen.)...and yet, at the same time, have very few expectations.
If you love something, in a LDR you REALLY do have to set it 'free'. People tend to have restrictions on one another out of fear of losing them. In LDR`s, thats usually a sure fire way to lose someone. They can`t have 'you', due to distance, but they cant have anything else either with high expectations, and fear-based rules in place.
Does this mean you dont have anything in place, to safe-guard the relationship ? No, of course not. but those safe guards should be from a 'meeting of the minds' place in life, where you use the things you both already agree on, and run with that. Not impose stipulations on each other.
Nobody wants to say it, but resources ( $$$ ) must be available. You need not be rich, but you do need the ability to earn money, and tuck some of it aside, so that visits can be kept on schedule.
Those are a couple of things off the top of my head. Good Luck
I personally, don`t mind LDR`s at all. In the past, they have proven to be interesting. I once dated someone ( albeit , a pilot) From Oregon, USA, while I lived in Ontario, Canada. What a great time that was. We had similiar hobbies, and enjoyed each others company quite a bit.
There is a bit of a conundrum when it comes to successful LDR`s. You have to make sure there is either a end-result goal, ( We will be together in x-amount of time. We will work towards that timeline.) or a series of mini goals, so that the relationship progresses over the long term. ( We wont ever live together, but our goal is to see each other every ____weeks, or months. Here is a plan, lets make it happen.)...and yet, at the same time, have very few expectations.
If you love something, in a LDR you REALLY do have to set it 'free'. People tend to have restrictions on one another out of fear of losing them. In LDR`s, thats usually a sure fire way to lose someone. They can`t have 'you', due to distance, but they cant have anything else either with high expectations, and fear-based rules in place.
Does this mean you dont have anything in place, to safe-guard the relationship ? No, of course not. but those safe guards should be from a 'meeting of the minds' place in life, where you use the things you both already agree on, and run with that. Not impose stipulations on each other.
Nobody wants to say it, but resources ( $$$ ) must be available. You need not be rich, but you do need the ability to earn money, and tuck some of it aside, so that visits can be kept on schedule.
Those are a couple of things off the top of my head. Good Luck
I am the hinge of a V, and am and have been in long-distance relationships.
I'm from Europe, my husband is Canadian. We first dated online, for about a year, meeting each other once in the middle. Then I spent a year in Canada. Later, he went to Europe and we lived there together and got married. And after two years we moved to Canada together.
There are lots of challenges to LDRs. The main problem for me is a bit hard to explain, but let me give it a try:
When you're with someone face to face, you don't have to be productive. You can be just sitting there. You can be each doing your own thing. You can be walking silently.
When you're "together" in a long distance relationship, and by that I mean when you're separated, but talking online for instance, you have very limited options.
Nothing physical is possible of course. No snuggling each other or just being next to each other. But you can't easily be doing nothing while still being together.
So when you're talking online, but feeling like just relaxing, it gets frustrating at times. It's like you have set your time free but you're not doing anything with it, not getting anything out of it. You can't read a book and still "be together". You can try to feel this way but it takes a whole lot of work. Usually, you're either talking or separate.
And there is only so much talking you can do before you wish you could grab something to drink, take a walk and just lie there next to each other in bed and look at the ceiling.
Or, of course, have sex.
Then, when you do meet each other, it's so rare, and you know you have to make the most of it, so there can be some pressure. "We HAVE to do X or Y. Everything HAS to be perfect".
It takes work to let it go and just enjoy the present.
Right now I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, who lives in the US. If you have any question I'll be glad to answer it.
I'm from Europe, my husband is Canadian. We first dated online, for about a year, meeting each other once in the middle. Then I spent a year in Canada. Later, he went to Europe and we lived there together and got married. And after two years we moved to Canada together.
There are lots of challenges to LDRs. The main problem for me is a bit hard to explain, but let me give it a try:
When you're with someone face to face, you don't have to be productive. You can be just sitting there. You can be each doing your own thing. You can be walking silently.
When you're "together" in a long distance relationship, and by that I mean when you're separated, but talking online for instance, you have very limited options.
Nothing physical is possible of course. No snuggling each other or just being next to each other. But you can't easily be doing nothing while still being together.
So when you're talking online, but feeling like just relaxing, it gets frustrating at times. It's like you have set your time free but you're not doing anything with it, not getting anything out of it. You can't read a book and still "be together". You can try to feel this way but it takes a whole lot of work. Usually, you're either talking or separate.
And there is only so much talking you can do before you wish you could grab something to drink, take a walk and just lie there next to each other in bed and look at the ceiling.
Or, of course, have sex.
Then, when you do meet each other, it's so rare, and you know you have to make the most of it, so there can be some pressure. "We HAVE to do X or Y. Everything HAS to be perfect".
It takes work to let it go and just enjoy the present.
Right now I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, who lives in the US. If you have any question I'll be glad to answer it.
redpepper
Active member
As I've said in other threads I'm not a big fan of ldr's for myself and have not had good experiences with them. I'm not having the best experience with my husband having one either. In fact it's ended it seems and the fall out is crazy hard for all of us, my partners included... it seems all to easy to just stop talking on line in a ldr rather than deal with the issues at hand and have some closure. There seems to be a lack of good manners and respect when things end... it's just silence and nothing and being left to pick up the pieces. Yup, safe to say I think they are a waste of time and resources a lot of the time...
Redpepper, I'm really sorry for everyone's hurt. I just want to say that it's the person that does such a horrendous thing not the relationship dynamic. She is to blame not the ldr. I can't say how much I feel for all of you because I was in an ldr. Now I live with budkep and my fiance and I have an ldr while I am job hunting. It's a big fear of ldrs for me that one day I will call and never receive an answer again. Yikes! But I trust my boys with my heart and they have both been wonderfully supportive through the distance.
I agree 100% that is a massive possibility. It is an incorrect and immature way to deal with problems. If anything, and this is something I am working to do all the time, you must communicate more...clearly in an online relationship. Sometimes its easy for both sides to fluff up the relationship and just flirt and talk the fun stuff.
Ideally one or the other or both on any given topic brings up the challenge, especially within 24 hours. It really helps clear the air and makes the fluffing a lot more fun
...If those serious topics aren't cleared quickly, and this has to happen more clearly than in person, then things slide quickly on both sides.
At least thats my take
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I think that you're right, it's easier to just vanish in a ldr. I also think it takes, in some ways, a stronger investment at first. I mean, I realise you don't have to go to places and meet, but you have to accept the fact that you will be with someone and not actually be with them. Sometimes for months before you actually meet for the first time.
For me, it screens out the "just for sex" things. I also have deeper conversations online than in a bar, typically, and form stronger connections. That might be the way I work: most of my close friends I met online, and didn't meet in person for years, my husband started as a ldr, my boyfriend and I are on a ldr right now... Actually, I don't personally have an experience of a non-ldr that worked.
So it might really depend on the person... Yet I don't think it's about the type of relationship in a distance way, I think it's about the person and the expectations.
Because I am looking for strong, deep connections, and care less about sex, ldrs work much better for me. Sure, it's easier not to form connections at all when you're online, but there is also the impossibility of close physical intimacy, and I find, as a result, a stronger occurrence of close emotional intimacy.
Because my sex drive can get me silly, and I end up going too fast otherwise, ldrs offer a "slowing down" that's very good for me.
At the same time, the relationship is "serious" from the start, in the way that we know we might have sex every few months if that, therefore the relationship is based on friendship more.
I personally find them less "breakable". As in, I find that you end up staying friends even if it doesn't turn out, because you know so much about each other already. You're usually willing to type or write (if you write letters, which I always love doing in ldrs) more personal things than what you'd say. Again, that might be just me.
For me, it screens out the "just for sex" things. I also have deeper conversations online than in a bar, typically, and form stronger connections. That might be the way I work: most of my close friends I met online, and didn't meet in person for years, my husband started as a ldr, my boyfriend and I are on a ldr right now... Actually, I don't personally have an experience of a non-ldr that worked.
So it might really depend on the person... Yet I don't think it's about the type of relationship in a distance way, I think it's about the person and the expectations.
Because I am looking for strong, deep connections, and care less about sex, ldrs work much better for me. Sure, it's easier not to form connections at all when you're online, but there is also the impossibility of close physical intimacy, and I find, as a result, a stronger occurrence of close emotional intimacy.
Because my sex drive can get me silly, and I end up going too fast otherwise, ldrs offer a "slowing down" that's very good for me.
At the same time, the relationship is "serious" from the start, in the way that we know we might have sex every few months if that, therefore the relationship is based on friendship more.
I personally find them less "breakable". As in, I find that you end up staying friends even if it doesn't turn out, because you know so much about each other already. You're usually willing to type or write (if you write letters, which I always love doing in ldrs) more personal things than what you'd say. Again, that might be just me.
RickPlus
New member
Best of luck. By the way, LDR = Long Distance Relationship. Took me a bit before I figured this out.
My wife and I had a 3 year LDR, driving up and down I-5 and having to cross the border. We wanted to see what it would be like to live together for a while before we got married. So even tho we have been married 15 years, we've been going together for 19. Very, very, happy ending so far.
Best of luck. Rick
My wife and I had a 3 year LDR, driving up and down I-5 and having to cross the border. We wanted to see what it would be like to live together for a while before we got married. So even tho we have been married 15 years, we've been going together for 19. Very, very, happy ending so far.
Best of luck. Rick
cruftnot
New member
LSD FTW - or not...
I live with my wife N, and my girlfriend G is three timezones away. My other sweetie, K, couldn't deal with the whole ldr thing. I think G can deal better because she's more mature and has other boyfriends; I was K's first serious relationship in a long time, and we just couldn't make it survive the separation. I think it might have, if she had a local primary type relationship -- but the pain of having your only lover as a digital impressionist animation (yay videoconferencing) was just too much.
G and I try to do stuff together online. We'll watch the same shows on streaming video, or just work with the camera on and make faces at each other when the other isn't looking. Sure- sometimes I feel like I would cut a finger off for the chance to touch her for just a moment... but most of the time it helps us feel close.
And yes, planning for the €£¥$ needed to see each-other is important. In an ldr your commitment and reliability count much more. But it can work.
In summary: (1) have local relationships; (2) hang out with each other online; (3) be seriously committed to maintaining the relationship and to meeting again, and reiterate this commitment often.
good luck!
I live with my wife N, and my girlfriend G is three timezones away. My other sweetie, K, couldn't deal with the whole ldr thing. I think G can deal better because she's more mature and has other boyfriends; I was K's first serious relationship in a long time, and we just couldn't make it survive the separation. I think it might have, if she had a local primary type relationship -- but the pain of having your only lover as a digital impressionist animation (yay videoconferencing) was just too much.
G and I try to do stuff together online. We'll watch the same shows on streaming video, or just work with the camera on and make faces at each other when the other isn't looking. Sure- sometimes I feel like I would cut a finger off for the chance to touch her for just a moment... but most of the time it helps us feel close.
And yes, planning for the €£¥$ needed to see each-other is important. In an ldr your commitment and reliability count much more. But it can work.
In summary: (1) have local relationships; (2) hang out with each other online; (3) be seriously committed to maintaining the relationship and to meeting again, and reiterate this commitment often.
good luck!