Change in all the areas of my life...

icesong

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So an update. Things are much better with Artist. We eventually had a long conversation about where he saw me in his life and how to be more consistent in seeing each other and how to make ArtistWife take me a bit more seriously (I think that last point may still need a bit of work but that's ok). He's still so ridiculously amazing - and amusingly had the best timing ever yesterday. (Nothing like being about to use the perk of working at home to take a porn break to reset your brain with a few endorphins, and having your lover show up on your doorstep instead as a surprise for a lunch quickie / to work in your house instead of his own for the afternoon. ::giggle:: without any planning or coordination at all!!

Knight and I are still... up and down and back and forth. I spent last evening reading Love Worth Making which seemed about as revolutionary in it's own way as Come as You Are or Mating in Captivity, both of which I think have been discussed here a lot. It feels very much like sex therapy in a book, and some chapters actually literally described Knight and I's issues pretty explicitly and dead on so I am definitely going to talk to him about it tonight.

For some reason I'm more hopeful today than usual about maybe finding that connection with him again. Maybe.

But back to poly. I was actually thinking about the "what is different and why are things with Artist so fundamentally good" this morning while driving (it's the best thinking time!), and I realized that for me, one of the ... foundational differences in what I had with HipsterBoy and what I have with Artist - or even when I was still with DinoActivist, there were good things despite our eventual incompatibility - was that the relationship with HipsterBoy always felt like "getting away with something". It was emotionally an affair even though it was out in the open. We downplayed our feelings for our spouses' benefits, he was closeted to the majority of his friends, there was a constant Damocles' sword of "this could end at any moment and not by our choice" - and it did a couple times!! So it always felt like every moment was stolen and unstable.

With Artist, on the other hand, he and I are both openly poly, fundamentally poly in a way that neither of us could or would let other people in our life end our relationship. (Yes, he's had a few wobbles in terms of time spent with me now and again, but they were always temporary and when they happened, they were very much presented as "I have fucked this up, and I'm working on fixing it right now", not "this is just how it is". ) We're not stealing anything, we're not having our cake and eating it too, this isn't forbidden, it's just *how things are*. And I think that's a mindset that if I could give to anyone considering poly I would.

Vicki mentioned being unsure about poly as an identity in her first foray, and that *definitely* resonated - in fact HipsterBoy told me at the end that he was non monogamous but not poly (I'd argue with that, even if it is his identity - the love, the relationship happened and can't just be rewritten in the way he tried) so that he could more easily justify (to himself and future partners I think) the extreme hierarchy he chose to live in. Perhaps that's not a fair way to look at it but ...
 

Vicki82

Active member
Hey icesong, just went through and read your blog. In a lot of ways it seems we have similar things going on (my kiddo is a little bit older than yours).

Just out of curiosity, do you and AnotherArtist text more now than you used to? I saw you used to write about not being happy with the level of connection in between dates. I'm struggling with that a little myself right now and not sure if, like you, it's something I should just accept or something that I should be feeling as more of an incompatibility.
 

icesong

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Yes and no. We definitely text more than we did back when I first wrote about being unhappy with it - the "he's ridiculously hot but mostly absent" phase. Part of it is that at some point - maybe around the time we first managed to admit we loved each other? - I quit being as self conscious about whether or not I was the first to text, because I wasn't using it as a barometer of our relationship anymore. Which ended up leading to us texting more, because he's a bit of an introvert and won't be the first to reach out, but is always happy to talk to me.

And I write this with him literally sitting in my living room working - us both working from home is utterly _brilliant_ from the point of view of there's nothing that says we have to actually work from our OWN homes...
 

Vicki82

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How are things going, icesong?
 

icesong

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Thanks for asking Vicki. I suppose it had been quite a while since I posted here.

Things with Artist are still really great. I'm sort of glad the holidays etc are over, as there was a lot of traveling and fu that made schedules a little difficult, but overall we see each other _almost_ enough ;) and I'm still just madly in love with him, and I think he is with me.

(There's still just the background issue, a little, of how integrated in his life I can be - maybe it doesn't matter if he just visits mine all the time, but if I think too hard about it I get a little antsy about the way ArtistWife perceives me and/or my relationship with Artist).

We had a very late night / early morning conversation about that after NYE, though it was a little bit tipsy as I had thrown a big NYE party. He at least knows my insecurities there, whether it'll change anything or not IDK.

(Amusingly I kissed all the people at that party - if you've read this blog for a REALLY long time, you'll remember TheBride, who Knight and I once dated and who remains a very good friend / person I flirt with... I totally was flirting again and kissed her because it seemed like a great idea at the time. I was half thinking about asking her out a few days later but she had some life tragedy strike so that's on indefinite hold. And then somehow Joan and I ended up kissing a bit at the end of the evening too, which ... was fun though I don't know that I feel any urgency to do it again? We talked later and agreed we'd have to have some pretty serious conversations before messing around anymore than random drunken kissing; I have so very much sworn off triads/quads/weird entanglements and I still think it's better that we don't explore that other than perhaps as a one off or VERY occasional threesome - Knight would probably like that though I haven't even mentioned it as a possibility.)

Knight and I... still back and forth. I don't know how to fix it. When we're happy it's brilliant and then days later we're back to hurting each other. And we're each other's bad idea providers and neither of us know how to say stop when we've been drinking and that causes half the fights. Maybe more later on this.
 

Magdlyn

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Just got done reading your blog from the beginning! Very interesting story. I am envious of your connection with Artist. And confused about the long ongoing repetitive issues with alcohol and Knight.
 

icesong

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Ha, well, _I_ am confused by the messy triad of me/Knight/drinks, so there's that. But on the other hand, really it's pretty simple, we both keep thinking we can have our cake, err, drinks and our relationship too and keep failing at that.

I mean, I'm absolutely not a saint on this. I drink with him, I don't discourage it in the moment because I like drinks too and I don't particularly like being the voice of limitation, so there's only so much I can say here. I know I don't drink excessively *except* with Knight, plus or minus something like NYE where I threw a party and was playing glittery hostess - but then that was with both Knight and Artist, even if the intention was that I was spending the night with Artist.

But honestly those are choices - the thing I can't seem to fix is the _mindless_ drinking, the drinking that feels like choosing booze over me. (Maybe it's not personal. I mean I don't think he literally makes that choice when he pops a beer. But I'm also not enough of a draw to make him choose NOT to drink so there's that).

And he says he has no libido and blames us on that. But that doesn't keep plans from falling through, doesn't keep him from ignoring the things I ask for when we DO have sex.

Uggh, I'm in a mood today because we've been fighting about this again, I'm just so tired of this.
 

Magdlyn

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Have you considered Al Anon? One of my best friends went to that, and it stopped her enabling behaviors. When she changed, her husband of 30 years finally took responsibility and went to rehab and AA too... and he's now been sober for almost 2 years!
 

icesong

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I've considered that, both for me and for him (I personally think there's a lot to do with his family's tendencies towards alcoholism that he hasn't really dealt with as much as would be good for him) but there are a lot of things about both AA and Al-Anon that don't resonate with me - the belief in a higher power, the straight up sobriety (I don't actually think either of us need to go stone cold sober, just learn mindfulness / moderation a bit better).

Therapy on the other hand.... THAT is probably something I need to poke him towards. :rolleyes:
 

Vicki82

Active member
My husband knows some people who have done AA and they've had some pretty dramatic personality changes and not in a good way. He says at times it almost seems like a cult. I am sure it helps some people but I don't know about it being the panacea for addiction like it gets touted.

I don't know. Substances are so tricky. They're awesome until they're not, and other than the whole Rat Park type thing, you don't know if you're going to be one of the people who can enjoy responsibly or if you're going to blow your life to smithereens.

My biological father was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He actually died because of liver failure from drinking so much. I enjoy partaking in things myself, but I keep a pretty close eye on it because I don't want to have to give up enjoying them. I just do a check in every once in a while to see how I'm doing and if anything worrisome is cropping up- no actual hard limits as to number of drinks or how often I drink, just seeing if I feel it's affecting me negatively.

There has certainly been times where I've been drinking for bad reasons, like to lower anxiety or to relax or whatnot. But not too often, and I try to keep it that way.

Therapy is never a bad thing, though, right?
 

icesong

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I really do think the rat park thing tends to be the real answer to why I drink too much, why Knight drinks too much - I feel like we occasionally overindulged back when we didn't have a kid and when I wasn't trying (and honestly failing) to run a business and he wasn't a (basically) sole provider for the three of us, and when we had this really tight knit group of friends we saw CONSTANTLY and hobbies we could throw all that energy into and and and... and all that changed back in 2011-2012.

While some of the changes I adore and I am very glad they happened - I mean, as much as I hate the actual work of parenting I love my kid, and I love my partner who I wouldn't have met, and I actually like the person I am now a lot more than I do the person I was then... there's still a lot of day-to-day stress and unhappiness that I think we try to drown, sometimes, or we start drinking and it's fun so we keep drinking more.

But then we had some conversations about this since last I wrote (again, but it seems to be working) and while we still drank too much collectively this past weekend - a moment of 'fuck it, the trip we were supposed to be on got canceled because kid has the flu so let's have some gin since we're stuck at home - he's been more affectionate lately and more mindful, even if it doesn't quite turn to sex.

If I'm honest _I_ don't know how to turn our energy sexual either so I can't complain, really. And if we can stay close without sex that might be ok... not in a "this will never be on the table again" sense, that makes me freak out (as I've mentioned here), but in a "this might not be where our relationship fits right this second" sort of space.

I think in any case I really am finally internalizing that a lot of the space between us is because he's stressed and unhappy and not _really_ about me... if I'm honest there's space between him and Joan for the same reasons (and I really like her but I wish she was better for him - she has her own PolyIssues, which are definitely Not For This Board, but that means that she I think takes more support than she gives.

I also think some of the space between us, sexually, may be my own fault because I'm _so_ very wrapped up in the sexual space between me and Artist. Which deserves it's own entry just to keep things from being so long...
 

icesong

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4 years with AnotherArtist

So first off I'm utterly floored by this - four years is long enough that I really am just... so much more secure in the fact that we are a permanent part of each others lives, a real and constant one. (It doesn't hurt that he literally bought my christmas present six months early because I had admired it in a store but it was after my birthday and he's not a random gift for no reason sort of person. I mean, that's a level of "yep, this will 100% still be a thing for the foreseeable future.")

But the astonishing, astonishing thing is just the level of NRE-like energy, but clearly this ISN'T NRE anymore. Knight and I were already starting to fade by this point - although we had been living together for a couple years so maybe that was part of it, on the other hand literally as 17 year olds we had fights about how often we had sex and that was even WITH me thinking he was wanting it more than he did and the thing getting in the way was logistics. (Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of sex then, but if that pattern was already starting to show up?? Yeah...anyway this is not about that).

Back to that level of energy. I mean, I suppose it can be summarized as blissfully in love in the most... uncomplicated way I can imagine - yeah, there's occasionally logistical hangups or differences in expectations, but as far as actual tensions _between_ us we mostly just... haven't found any. So everything that anyone has ever written about "relationships take a lot of work"? Err. Maybe not always true. And maybe I'm delusional, maybe it's only because we've never stressed our relationship that it works so well... back to the whole "polyamoryville" question... But fuck it. People don't argue that if one has a second home that one only can go to on the weekends, it doesn't count as a home because you never go to work from there, do they? So there's really no reason that I should think any less of my relationship with Artist just because the utter buoyant JOY of it isn't weighed down with money or kid or the daily slings and arrows of life.

(I'm also trying to figure out how to weigh things down with Knight even less - I've been complaining about parenting a lot less, mostly because things have gotten better, and it's helping - I can't make his job less stressful but I can make his home less so, I think.)

We keep gradually sliding kinkier and kinkier, too, which is... an interesting journey. I talked years ago here about how he could just... magically make me have orgasms more or less on command. We've been ... depending that dynamic since then in ways that are hard to explain without being more explicit than I want to be here, but that end up resulting in me being ... more mentally submissive than I've ever been. It's not a thing where I want him to tell me what to do like in a service sort of way, that's not my flavor of kink... more one where I fall into a blissful state of ... I don't know. It's subspace, it's self objectification (I am a toy), it's experiencing too much pleasure/pain/pleasure for there to be any room there for thought, much less coherent thought, leaving me in an almost hypnotized state. It's... darker and hotter and more about being possessed than anything I'd ever thought I wanted. I had a moment the other night where a random gesture he made sent every thought out of my head other than "yes, in this moment you own me".

As a person who is poly to the fucking core that FLOORED me. Took me a good five minutes to even swim up to the surface enough to articulate that. I mean, scene only D/s makes a certain sort of sense. Even a level of ... d/s based teasing in preparation / anticipation of a night together. But I've never wanted to be _owned_. I still don't, but I've sort of come to terms with it being ok as a ... feeling in context. But wow...
 

Magdlyn

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I see you enjoy drinking for fun, and have an attitude it's a Rat Pack sort of drinking? Like, it's cool to be tipsy and silly? My parents were of the generation of the original Rat Pack, the 50s and 60s, and really enjoyed their cocktails. Definitely 2 drinks a night if they were home, and many more drinks at the frequent parties they threw or attended. And then the hangovers on Sunday morning...

I used to wonder if they were actually alcoholics, but the hangovers just meant sleeping late some Sundays, and that meant my mom wouldn't drag my sister and me to church, so I was OK with that! ;) :cool:

I get what you're saying when you compare Knight and Artist. Knight was and is your childhood sweetheart. You've had sexual issues from the start, and you still do. My ex husband and I met when I was 19 and he was 21, and we married 3 years later. We grew up a lot together. And we had a lot of loyalty for each other (both Leos). But we also had sexual issues on and off. Often our libidos were unmatched. I had the lesser libido, as it varied with my sexual cycles, and it varied when I had 3 kids in 5 years and was a stay at home mom.

Things did improve sexually when the kids got older and more independent. But then my ex and I still had other issues from growing up and growing apart, and we split up after 30 years together.

I then met Pixi and we've had a much much better relationship. Like you and Artist, we just get along better. I never knew love could be so problem free, so trusting, so balanced. I know many people say relationships are a lot of hard work, but our relationship just isn't a lot of hard work! I really think it's common when you partner up young, to feel loyal, but maybe it's not really healthy to stay together. It's a "starter relationship," like a "starter home," and it met your teen needs, whatever they were, but doesn't necessarily meet your adult needs, whatever they now are.
 

icesong

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I see you enjoy drinking for fun, and have an attitude it's a Rat Pack sort of drinking? Like, it's cool to be tipsy and silly? My parents were of the generation of the original Rat Pack, the 50s and 60s, and really enjoyed their cocktails. Definitely 2 drinks a night if they were home, and many more drinks at the frequent parties they threw or attended. And then the hangovers on Sunday morning...

I used to wonder if they were actually alcoholics, but the hangovers just meant sleeping late some Sundays, and that meant my mom wouldn't drag my sister and me to church, so I was OK with that! ;) :cool:

Haha what I was *actually* referring to was the Rat _Park_ experiments - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rat_Park - though your description of that sort of casual Mad Men style drinking is not inaccurate.

I know many people say relationships are a lot of hard work, but our relationship just isn't a lot of hard work! I really think it's common when you partner up young, to feel loyal, but maybe it's not really healthy to stay together. It's a "starter relationship," like a "starter home," and it met your teen needs, whatever they were, but doesn't necessarily meet your adult needs, whatever they now are.

I still think there's a way to make us NOT hard work. I mean, the last few weeks we haven't fought and have had nothing but good conversations, and that's even with a kid with the flu! Yeah, people grow apart but I don't think that we've done so in a terminal way, yet. I mean, who knows what the future brings? But right now I really do still picture 80 year old me next to 80 year old him - I just don't bother to fill in the rest of the details of that life because nothing I predicted about my life now could I have guessed 10 or even 5 years ago, so...
 

Vicki82

Active member
We keep gradually sliding kinkier and kinkier, too, which is... an interesting journey. I talked years ago here about how he could just... magically make me have orgasms more or less on command. We've been ... depending that dynamic since then in ways that are hard to explain without being more explicit than I want to be here, but that end up resulting in me being ... more mentally submissive than I've ever been. It's not a thing where I want him to tell me what to do like in a service sort of way, that's not my flavor of kink... more one where I fall into a blissful state of ... I don't know. It's subspace, it's self objectification (I am a toy), it's experiencing too much pleasure/pain/pleasure for there to be any room there for thought, much less coherent thought, leaving me in an almost hypnotized state. It's... darker and hotter and more about being possessed than anything I'd ever thought I wanted. I had a moment the other night where a random gesture he made sent every thought out of my head other than "yes, in this moment you own me".

As a person who is poly to the fucking core that FLOORED me. Took me a good five minutes to even swim up to the surface enough to articulate that. I mean, scene only D/s makes a certain sort of sense. Even a level of ... d/s based teasing in preparation / anticipation of a night together. But I've never wanted to be _owned_. I still don't, but I've sort of come to terms with it being ok as a ... feeling in context. But wow...

Congrats on 4 years! That's amazing!

I don't know... part of me thinks that D/s hits a different level of connection than vanilla does. Not that it's better overall but that it feels more intimate, to me, at least in my own relationships.

I have an interesting relationship with possession, though. Henry is my 24/7 submissive and we have a female led relationship (not because any of that superiority claptrap, but just because I happen to be the one in charge lol). He is most definitely mine. He wears a day collar all the time and a heavy leather play collar when we go to parties.

But just because he is mine doesn't mean I can't share :) We both have this thing where we grab each other and say mine but it doesn't imply exclusivity to us. And that's where it gets a little hard to explain. Maybe it's like a library LOL. He doesn't stop being mine if he's with someone else.

I have to be honest that scene based D/s doesn't really make sense to me. I don't do roleplay so I don't know how to turn off the dominant part of myself, and he naturally follows my lead. I would feel a little silly (personally, please don't take it that I'm criticizing people who do D/s bedroom only) engaging in it only for the length of a scene and then going "back" to being normal? I don't know.

It's a little different with Charles because our relationship is still so new and he is new to BDSM in general. He is always the bottom, because I don't, and he is a pleaser at heart so that comes into play. But I don't have specific expectations with him the way I do with Henry. We also don't formally turn on and off the D/s and it still kind of permeates through our connection a little.

That was rambly, please excuse me! Either way though I think it's awesome you had that experience. Something to ponder, right?
 

icesong

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Congrats on 4 years! That's amazing!
The funny thing is we sort of missed it - we're gonna do some romantic anniversary thing (and I think maybe he's building some sort of homemade BDSM toy?) this weekend but the day itself went by with little fanfare, mostly because he thought it was a different date than it was. :rolleyes: Good thing he's cute as he's a bit flighty sometimes... says the ADHD person... :rolleyes:

I don't know... part of me thinks that D/s hits a different level of connection than vanilla does. Not that it's better overall but that it feels more intimate, to me, at least in my own relationships.
For me it's not that it's more intimate in and of itself, it's just the intensity MAKES it more intimate.
I have an interesting relationship with possession, though. Henry is my 24/7 submissive ... just because he is mine doesn't mean I can't share :) We both have this thing where we grab each other and say mine but it doesn't imply exclusivity to us. And that's where it gets a little hard to explain. Maybe it's like a library LOL. He doesn't stop being mine if he's with someone else.
I mean that makes sense - both of my partners are not just supportive but _enthusiastic_ about my adventures, both casual and potentially less so, with others. As I mostly am with theirs (plus or minus some wobbles here and there, but we all have those). And yeah, I definitely believe that neither of my relationships are less than full-time relationships, regardless of how much physical time is spent in each. But that's not about ownership, exactly... given the lack of 24/7 in how we interact.

I have to be honest that scene based D/s doesn't really make sense to me...I would feel a little silly ... engaging in it only for the length of a scene and then going "back" to being normal? I don't know....We also don't formally turn on and off the D/s and it still kind of permeates through our connection a little.

(Sorry if me snipping a bit bothers you...)

So here's the thing - for me D/s is almost exclusively sexual. I've vaguely pondered whether I want to include more D/s play throughout my life, even experimented with more "daily life" sort of stuff from time to time, but at least with Knight daily life stuff isn't sustainable - he just doesn't WANT to dominate me like that. And that's fine, because (other than when I want to have someone manage my life for me to compensate for my ADHD) I'm not someone that falls into submission particularly easily. I mean literally the last dungeon party that Artist and I went to, I was actually pretty deep in as submission as I go, and someone else asked us which of us was going to be the top for that scene (while waiting for furniture to open up) because I really just don't give off submissive energy ever (and I do switch with certain people). And, too, Artist is just ... not... Mr. Domly Dom in so many ways - it's the only reason I CAN submit as far as I do, honestly. (A friend of mine read his Fetlife profile and described him as "refreshingly hesitant" and that's true - he wasn't really a top or dom or sadist at all, at all! before he met me because his wife is FAR more of a domme and so he just hadn't experimented with that side of things as much... then found out he is Definitely a sadist.

But at the same time as I say the D/s is not 24/7? that feels disingenuous . The erotic energy between Artist and I is at this point always a little bit D/s tinged, and the erotic energy just... doesn't go away, or if it subsumes a little it's _there_ just under the surface. The tiniest pat on the ass, or subtle comments, brings it right back, so in that sense we ARE 24/7. There's no formal on/off, not even if we're not together. (Literally he can show up at my door when I didn't know he was going to be around and I can fall into that space in minutes. Soooooo... if that's not some flavor of 24/7 I don't know what is. )

I'm impressed you can keep that energy with Henry as I can't imagine that with someone I lived with.
 

icesong

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As it's been for the past year or so I still feel like the biggest ... potential for stress and conflict (I say potential because it doesn't really turn into conflict, just moments of not quite right and days of me worrying later...) between me and Artist is his wife.

To a lesser degree, I suppose, Knight and I's on again / off again issues affect Artist and I, and certainly Artist and I both compartmentalize our relationships, emotionally, quite a lot. Or at least as much as we can - the other day he randomly asked to come over with no warning, which is pretty common these days, but I got the text literally _while_ I was having a fight on the phone with Knight about our sex life, so that was a thing. (And yes, Artist still came over but it took a few hours before I was really my normal self... and yes, I told him why but not details - "can't have sex with you now as I can't reset my brain from fighting about sex that quickly", but not a play by play of what the fight was nor would I have told Artist about it at ALL if it wasn't literally making my reactions to him different than usual, I didn't want him to think I was upset at him or unattracted etc).

Anyway. Yesterday he was at my house for the afternoon, and everything was just off. Not only was MiniMe home for having gotten in trouble at school, but I had just found out that Artist was leaving for a week today (he had told me about the trip in general but had forgotten to put it on our shared calendar, in fact he had put it on some other calendar that I didn't realize even existed - I think? Maybe it was just he put it on his personal calendar, which I've certainly accidentally done too - its a nothing thing except for further context). The trip is to see ArtistWife's parents / siblings / meet a sibling's new kid; both of ArtistWife's partners are going (which is a Big Deal in that family context). There's a lot of stress around that.

All of this is fine but then she called him up, wanting him to do something at the house and (from what I could tell from his side of the phone call) was either upset that he was over here or upset that he hadn't told her or upset he couldn't do whatever it was she wanted instantly. I don't know. He didn't *tell* me of course, there was just lots of apologizing and some level of texting even after she hung up and I saw a text from ArtistWife's other partner (who lives with them) that it wasn't his fault etc etc.

Obviously this makes me cranky on lots of levels. I feel like there's *always* things like this happening - ArtistWife making there be not QUITE enough space for he and I to have a relationship. It seems as I'm barely welcome at their house if she's there... and oh the hypocrisy given the live in triad! and there's forever pictures of the three of them on FB but he isn't allowed to have pictures of me and him up... it's all these little double standards that shouldn't matter but on some deep level they twinge me every time I think of them.

It feels like the double standard back when I was with HipsterBoy and Pink!Girl was demanding in ways I wasn't allowed to be. And I don't want to go there again but I also don't want to put Artist in a bad spot by being demanding myself. And with the level of "we just don't really talk about our other partners and problems with them" we have it's a difficult thing to bring up.

She believes in hierarchy and I don't, and neither really does Artist but he hates rocking the boat and hasn't pushed at things, and didn't really bring me in to the spot I'm in in his life in the way ArtistWife thinks he should have and I think she blames me for that? I don't know, and I don't know how to fix it, and and and... aaaaaaah.
 

icesong

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How did the unrelated ends of my polycule go into flux at the same time?

I mean I know I posted "Change in all the areas of my life" as the title of this thing but it's a bit ridiculous.

So the first thing that happened was that ArtistWife's other partner moved out. I knew they had had a somewhat rocky relationship, were in couple's counseling, etc - but honestly they're both in the mental health field so sort of saw that as "people who are more likely to take advantage of that sort of resource" than a "giant red flag of this relationship might end". But then I texted Artist from a concert only to find he was hiding in his office as a fairly dramatic breakup fight happened, and his now-ex-meta/roommate was fully moved out by 3-4 days later.

ArtistWife is not taking this well. So that's... a thing. Honestly it's a terrifying thing, and truthfully I can't even really ask him for reassurance because between ArtistWife being pretty emotionally fragile (for reasons! this was a four year relationship, obviously very entangled, and it seems like the end was pretty sudden) and his job being more high pressure than usual right now (and meta moving out does change the financial stakes there too), "what about me" is just ... not a thing I can ask. I have to believe that she's not gonna try to go mono. I have to. And I have to believe that if she tried that he loves me enough to say no. And yet how does one believe that when one *knows* that no matter how much your partner loves you he's also REALLY conflict averse and maybe a bit more hierarchical than you are? And yet they (apparently) have some almost relationship ending fights too... (some of them have been about me, I think... which I hate for Artist but that has to mean something reassuring as far as his willingness to stand up for my place in his life...). SO. Yeah. Flux.

I am pretty proud of myself for being willing to step back and wait for reassurance and not just immediately freak out though. 5 years ago now (when this blog started) I failed that test, hard, and it's one of the (many) reasons HipsterBoy and I ended. Or perhaps the final straw.

Even all that, though, is weirdly the more minor bit of flux. (Again, seriously, HOW did two couples who literally have never met manage to sync up this well?!?!?)

Joan's husband finally decided they needed to be split up. (She had to some degree come to that conclusion long ago, but for a variety of reasons both emotional and practical wasn't gonna be the one to pull the ripcord.) And because her living on her own isn't immediately (if ever?) financially feasible, sometime in the next few weeks or four she's gonna be moving into our guest room.

I made the offer - I like her and she's in a rough spot, I'd have done it for any friend if I could otherwise work out the logistics (like if I had a 4th bedroom, because having some room that whichever of Knight or I doesn't have a date to sleep in is essential for our life), but since it's his partner the 3rd bedroom works. Note to self, must figure out how to address the fact that we don't really plan our dates with each other in advance, the "by the way Joan, Knight's sleeping in your bed tonight" might be a weird dynamic... there's so many things like that. The theory right now is that it's for a few months... if things are happy like this I don't mind it for a more indefinite period although I'd want her to pay rent in that case and we'd have to figure out more storage / room for her things. But at the same time there's an emotional part of me that's freaking out as I haven't had a roommate - not partner - since high school and I'm a little afraid of the dynamics of having someone in my space *all* the time. Like, I yell at my husband and/or my child and while I shouldn't, I'd like to stop, I don't know that doing it cold turkey by lack of privacy is gonna work. I don't know how to balance us all getting the time and attention we need. Hell, I don't even know how to balance her being a rather more neat person than I am without resenting her for wanting a less cluttered/chaotic life... and there are things that she's not gonna love about living here that aren't gonna change, like Sunday nights we have, like, 10 people over for dinner, that kind of thing.

Also this means she's gonna end up HAVING to meet my mother in law who is officially gonna have a shit fit. FUN.
 

Vicki82

Active member
That sounds really stressful, icesong. Are you able to do things for self care?

I hope everything will work out okay for everyone involved.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Life continues in particularly chaotic fashion. On top of relationship stuff, it's been the first week of summer vacation so MiniMe is home in the afternoons which changes the dynamics of my day entirely - his summer camp is just mornings, which means my day is bisected by an hour drive to go get him and scheduling around that is... awkward.

And, too, we had to put down our elderly greyhound monday - he was 13, we had had him for almost 10 years, and it was definitely time (honestly we had been dealing with an incontinent dog for the past year but when he started falling and not being able to get himself back up, that was the end). It was so very peaceful though - in home pet euthanasia is an astonishingly wonderful service when it's needed, and the woman who does pet hospice-and-euthanasia as her full time job is an utter saint.

Anyway. Point here being is I am very very stressed, although I did manage to cram a kind of rockstar weekend in there. MartialArtist was in town (he's moved several states away so this is far more rare, but he still trains occasionally at a dojo near me and we try and get together when he does). We did our usual late-night-drinks-and-hook-up sort of thing - there was some talk beforehand of shibari, as he's been going to a few classes and practices and stuff lately, but the vibe just didn't work for that. Weirdly it was very very good sex that I nonetheless wasn't satisfied by - as in literally had a bit of solo time after I sent him home because I just wasn't quite done yet I was done with him. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose. And the dynamic between us is so unusual - we're like, interestingly intimate friends with this weird underlying chemistry, but the chemistry is unusual in that it's purely sexual with no romance at all - a very performative, not-intimate sort of chemistry, one I've described here before as "we're both attractive, sexual people, let's run through some orgasmic calisthenics together", almost. Plus on this particular occasion an interesting top/bottom dynamic that hasn't been in play in previous visits - which was VERY odd for me in a lot of ways just because it's SO different than the dynamic I have with Artist, and that's the only D/s type dynamic I've been playing with at all lately.

I'm feeling a little more stable about Artist. Not exactly _happy_, but stable. We had dinner last night - he was really only able to steal a few hours away which is why I'm unhappy - but he promises we'll have an actual date/overnight next week and from what he said ArtistWife doesn't show any inclination towards going back towards being mono, she's gotten back on dating apps etc (which is rebound-y as fuck but that's not my problem). Come to think of it maybe she'll meet someone with their own place and I can start going over to Artist's for dates again. I mean he knows I'm worried about everything, and he did try to reassure me but I wasn't pressing him on it too much because having his wife go through what's basically a divorce has been rough on him too - and his work really is in insane crisis mode to boot. (Worse than last summer, honestly.) So I don't want to be ___more___ on top of that. I desperately want more kisses right now though.

Weirdly I had a long conversation with Knight about Joan moving in and everything. I think even though it seemed like the best option for her, we're both still a bit overwhelmed by the reality of having someone else living here, even if it is someone he loves. (Even that last part is an interesting point - he definitely loves her, but it's not - or doesn't seem to be - the sort of overwhelming thing I figured would lead to us having someone else live with us - like if it wasn't for the practicality they probably wouldn't be moving in together. She wanted more time together though so I suppose there's that.) And it does seem that in some ways he's becoming a little _less_ stressed now that she's not in decision paralysis mode about all this - she's been unhappy and leaning on him for support for like, 1/2 their relationship, and I think it was really draining on him. So maybe that will make him happier in the medium term anyway.

Still. Parenting with an audience is gonna be rough. God knows it's not fun on family vacations with in laws. Like the one I go on tomorrow...
 
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