Children Of A Poly Relationship

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DripDropDiggsManuel

Member
I'm pregnant with my first child and because media and society only show monogamy, I don't know what children of poly relationships are raised like, do they grow up knowing what poly is, do they get told when they're older, what do you guys with children do?
 
Humm

You raise them as best you can... Just like any other child! The poly thing they don't need the info till they are 14 or way over. And that's up to them as what they will prefer
 
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Hi DripDropDiggsManuel,

If it were me, I suppose I would tell the kids about polyamory, about at the same time as when they learn about monogamy. Before that, I would let them learn by what they see, and be willing to answer their questions.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Little girl (1.5) loves Boy. He's like a really involved Uncle - welcome and not afraid to discipline/comfort/etc when he's here but ultimately not responsible for her. She sees me be loving towards both guys and hears us discuss dating when comes up so will grow up knowing we're open. We will answer her questions honestly and age appropriately but probably won't volunteer any information verbally - we just live life.
 
Rockit49 said:
You raise them as best you can... Just like any other child! The poly thing they don't need the info till they are 14 or way over. And that's up to them as what they will prefer
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How are you going to hide poly from a kid until they are 14 or over? More importantly....WHY?
 
Who said hide?

vinsanity0 said:
How are you going to hide poly from a kid until they are 14 or over? More importantly....WHY?
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From 0-14 or so... They will just Except their reality... As life! Somewhere in there they will become able to understand they have a choice to practice what might be best in their view.... Their choice to make...
 
Rockit49 said:
From 0-14 or so... They will just Except their reality... As life! Somewhere in there they will become able to understand they have a choice to practice what might be best in their view.... Their choice to make...
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Kids are much more aware than you realize, I think. I already have almost 3 year olds around that ask why their friends families or their family looks different than other ones.
 
Twins!!

Your plate will be very full. Will your baby daddy and your female partner be involved in raising the babies? Do you have other social support? Do you live with either of your partners? Do you have support from your parents, your bf's parents, siblings? Do any of them know you're poly?

Raising twins, especially through infancy and toddler/preschool years, is a ton of work. Are you in shock?

Good luck with a healthy pregnancy.
 
Kids are very aware

AlwaysGrowing said:
Kids are much more aware than you realize, I think. I already have almost 3 year olds around that ask why their friends families or their family looks different than other ones.
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The best way is to just reinforce their reality! That even if it looks different the caring family value is still the only thing that matters.

And whether you want to admit it or not...I bet the 3yr old you're mentioning hears, constantly in comparison to other kids, there is a " difference" pointed out a lot. Just a guess
Kids just need their world reinforced as much as any other kid! Hence raise them best you can.
 
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Rockit49 said:
The poly thing they don't need the info till they are 14 or way over.
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I can't disagree with this more strongly. I've been poly since before my son was born, and while I'm cautious about introducing new people as more than friends into his life, and don't expect partners to co-parent, I also don't *hide* that Artist is important to me or that Joan is important to Knight. Kids pick up on this stuff - there was an amusing conversation once, back when Knight was dating Sunshine, with a 3 year old MiniMe about how Sunshine was *Knight's* friend, not mine.

If I thought poly was wrong or should be hidden, I wouldn't do it.
 
You know youre poly when...

...you cringe when thinking about monogamy.
...you find that the song Two Ladies from Cabaret describes your ideal relationship.
 
I don't see the problem with not going into gory detail about being poly until kids are older; I would do the same if I was a single mom dating.

Adults should have their own lives; kids I think do best when seeing their parents happy. At a young age (before puberty and their own relationships), I wouldn't go into detail about any one of my relationships, only showing a little more over a long period. My SO I think would be my 'friend I sometimes spend time with' but then I like having my privacy.

It's not a matter of feeling poly is wrong, (to me), but even as an adult I am selective in who I tell because of the reactions ('you're getting a divorce?!' not-funny jokes, lectures, etc), never mind to a kid who has little experience navigating emotions.
 
I agree with you atalanta.
 
I'm glad to see others who believe that attempts to "hide" nonmonogamy are counterproductive, & likely doomed. That sentiment often pisses people off, especially those who don't yet have kids. ;)

A common belief: "we're going to hide it from him until he's old enough to understand." Hah; quick, pick an age!! Will he be "ready" at 3? 7? 12? 19? 24? 47? 65? :rolleyes: Plenty are hiding their lifestyle from adult kids they don't even see much.

If anyone NEEDS to "protect the child" with that much fervor, then it's an easy fix: put your proverbial dicks back in your pants until the kids are ENTIRELY out of harm's way. Anyone who offers THAT canard then decides to step past monogamy anyway is clearly talking out their ass.

I contend (& have seen borne out) that people confident they can hide ANYTHING from any moderately unimpaired child WILL eventually get bit on the butt by their own arrogance.

As often (maybe moreso) is the recognition (buried in favor of the PC rationale) that small children can't be totally relied upon to not inadvertantly "out" you. The Bad News -- neither can teenagers, who have been known to be insane beings & will happily blab the deepest family secrets if you piss 'em off, which happens a few times a day. :eek: Not that you can 100% trust all your friends. Or your co-workers. Or the relatives you come out to "in confidence."

My children grew up in a household where other people were a regular feature, much like my upbringing. We had overnight guests & short-term roommates all the time, most nonsexual. And we had people with whom we were quite cuddly but not sexually involved, & seeming casual friends who were frequent sex partners.

In general, people simply need to do two things that polynoobs aren't good at: settle down, & use common sense. :D
 
I never figured on hiding anything about polyamory from my kids. At some point, years ago, it was new to the older ones, and their reactions to having their questions answered in age-appropriate and privacy-respecting ways ranged from "Weird." to "Makes sense." and we all just moved on from there.

The little one is now fully verbal, full of questions, and eager to talk to anyone and everyone. Life as she knows it has two households in two different towns: one with daddy, Mitch; and one with her brothers and her "daddybrother," Woof. She will tell anyone who asks that this entire group is her family, and usually explain that her family lives in two places, and allocate the members accordingly. No one seems to care to ask her what the current adult relationships are, and if they asked me, I'd tell them that's a ridiculous question to ask. We are a family, or two families that share me and the little one, and nothing else is important.

We aren't out in Mitch's town, and we are anonymous by default in Woof's. I do tend to say "her dad" or "their dad" when referring to the guys to random people in one place or the other. In Mitch's town, for expediency I sometimes I call Woof my "ex" (technically true) while Mitch is my "partner." In reality, both are my co-parents and my partners, and most people I care about (including the kids) can know that, if it matters. I don't feel like I owe anyone the truth of my sleeping arrangements, but I want my kids and people who really know me to know who the most important people in my life are.

It helps that we don't have labels like "husband" and "wife" to navigate around. Those particularly seem to stoke defensive reactions in some people, when their standard monogamous meaning is flouted. And children, ever literal, seem to expect words to have definite, universal meanings.

We aren't prescriptively "closed," but no one really dates. If we did? Well, the kids would probably notice which friends were more than platonic. And we'd have whatever conversations came up. Age-appropriate. Privacy-respecting.
 
I have no children yet, but I like the way my parents deal with that sort of thing (though they are mono). If they ask you a question, they're ready to hear the (age appropriate) answer. If they don't ask, you don't have to explain. You don't have to hide it from your kids, but of course you shouldn't go and make out or argue with your partners in front of them, but that applies to any kind of family
 
Seems weird to find this in fireplace, but it's a good topic.

I happened to go to a poly seminar at Dragoncon in 2016 and met with researcher. I asked her about the negative responses from children about poly. She said she hadn't had any except from the standard peer pressure problems... "what will my friends think?"

That being said, she and Dan Savage both agree that your sex life isn't your kids business and they likely don't want to know anyway. So, to them, it looks like you've got a friend that hangs out with you a lot or you go to see. If they ask, you tell them the truth. I really like being with [txgirl]. She's important to me. I love her. That doesn't change the way I feel about your mom. I love her very much too. You don't have to tell them you're having sex with a new partner any more than you're telling them you have sex with the old partner.

Kids tend to process it with what they know. They know you love family. They know you love friends. They don't know you have sex. By the time they add sex to the equation, the important part of it is already in the foundation.

Theoretically anyway, and it did work with my two. My youngest already says she has two moms and txgirl's daughter called me dad accidentally and then giggled for ten minutes. I figure if they are that comfortable, we're doing something right.
 
I was thinking about this this morning...

And then found this thread open in my tabs. My daughter turned eleven today, and we are still in the talking phase. Even though not much talking has been happening because my husband sleeps when he is home. I don't know that he wants to talk about it, he said okay gave me a stipulation and when I bring it up he often changes the subject. He asked me if I would be open about it to people and to our kid. I don't see any reason to tell anyone unless I have to. I'm a pretty private person in general but don't like to be dishonest which is what i communicated. If I were spotted on a date I'd be honest if it were a family member. He seems more concerned with what people would think then anything else. Maybe he feels like people would think he's doing something wrong? Anyways, I honestly don't think my kid would handle it well. She has grown up thus far with us two, she goes to a small private school with most kids either having one parent or (un)married m/f parents. She's only recently learned about nonhetero people from television and then a discussion about people loving whom ever they love, and not to judge. I know if she saw me being physical with another man or woman she would freak out so I won't do anything infront of her. I guess it depends on the kids and their age. If we had started this before we had her then she would have grown up with it and would accept it as the norm. That's how kids are. Their environment is their norm. As long as it's loving and happy, that's all that really matters. I don't know that I added to this thread lol, but I was thinking about how she will feel about it just an hour ago.
 
Hi! I am a mother of a 7 year old boy, and he knows about me being Poly. I've never hidden it from him but never outwardly told him either.

He lives with me and my fiancee, who he views as 'auntie' (has done since he was a baby), and he knows that we have other partners occasionally. I have currently formed a Triad with a married couple and he knows about them, I won't introduce them to him until a later date, but he knows that Mummy has two other partners at the moment.

He took it as a bit of a shock first, didn't know how to respond, but he has simply accepted and understood that two other people want to love his Mummy.
 
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