spitepeacock
New member
A year ago, my spouse (M) and I (M) agreed to give polyamory another try.
For some context: I have been in an open marriage before. I will not call it ENM because it was not ethical. First spouse used it to traumatize and control me.
Current spouse and I have had some brushes with ENM, consistently realizing the people we've tried dating individually/separately were not good for us individually, or for our marriage, and then closing the marriage for a while.
Current spouse and I have been married 7 years, have five kids, a house, and chronic health issues between us. Current spouse is supposed to be acting as my caretaker. Spouse owns his own business, and due to his own health issues and other factors, it is failing.
This latest time, I asked to open to pursue someone we'll call J. Spouse has revealed to me he only agreed to this because he thought he couldn't be what I needed anymore. It was always hierarchical, and catching feelings was supposed to be off the table, but my spouse did not establish this until a few months later.
J and I began dating and seeing each other. Sex wasnt a huge deal or part of it, at first, which was fine.
After about 4 months, J and my spouse and I were all hanging out, and somehow a threesome was initiated. It was very clearly one where it was more about J and my spouse's chemistry and I was incidental. This happened at least two more times before I expressed how uncomfortable I was, how upset I was and how I needed things to be different.
Due to my trauma, I was consistently shut down in the moment of these things, and just going along with it because I have been conditioned that's what I should do. Neither of them noticed until after the threesomes. J didn't even check in on me at all during these situations.
Eventually J and my spouse decided to make it official that they were dating. Meanwhile, I was increasingly made to feel like a third wheel in both of my relationships.
They started dropping "I love you" to each other after maybe a month.
I have consistently stated over the course of this situation how uncomfortable I was with all of this. My spouse and J agreed to step it back and take a break.
Neither one actually took it seriously and continued to act like they were dating. J even insinuated to mutual friends it wasn't really a break.
Finally, I broke things off with J after the two of them went off and spent a whole day together. My mental health crashed and I ended up on a psychiatric hold for a few days. My spouse then, in a fit of what he calls desperation, broke things off with J, and basically melted down.
Every conversation about how J had hurt me, or how my spouse had hurt me, became about what I'd done wrong, in the name of "accountability." Every conversation on the subject eventually drifted to my spouse being angry and upset that he couldn't "be there for J" and that it was my fault they were both hurting.
After 5 weeks, I reached out to J to try and reconcile a little, because I didn't know what else to do, and felt highly pressured to so that my spouse could go back to having a happy little throuple. We had a talk. It went okay, on paper. In reality I was crushed that J took minimal accountability, but was willing to see what developed next between us.
Meanwhile, I have felt enormous pressure from my spouse to reconcile, and enormous pressure from friends, who I mistakenly confided in about the situation, to divorce my spouse.
About a month ago, we and a group of friends that included J went on a camping trip to a festival. My spouse and I came together and talked and I genuinely felt like I could eventually be okay with J in my life as a metamor. Spouse directly asked me if it was on the table for them to date, and I, in the moment pressured for an answer, said that it was fine.
Hours later they were official again, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and ignoring me. My spouse wouldn't leave J's side the whole rest of the trip.
We got home. I tried to clear the air with the friends I'd talked to, and they insinuated my spouse and J had manipulated me, that I wasn't myself, and that I needed to get out.
A week went by and we saw little of J. Then, the next week, J was at our house 5/7 evenings. I broke down at the end of that week and my spouse agreed to take things slower.
Another week went by with relatively minimal contact with J. I was under more pressure from the "friends" who I told to leave me alone about my relationship. Neither of them liked that, so they both chewed me out via Facebook message, while in the same room with each other, and one of them blocked me and told me not to even try to reconcile.
During these conversations, a third friend came to me about some absolutely cruel things J said about me during the camping trip. J insinuated I was just a tolerated entity so they could get what they wanted-- their relationship with my spouse, saying that I was immature and needed to just "get over it" and "grow up." (I'm in my 30s. J is 24.)
Spouse insists we, as in he and I, should approach J about this and discuss things. I refuse to open myself up to someone who has consistently proven through actions and now words that they don't actually care about me, regardless of anything they've said to my face to the contrary.
This last week I have been trying to soul search and clear my head. I have realized I cannot handle my spouse dating J. I told him as much, and he blamed my friends for inflaming my insecurities. I broke down.
Over this last weekend I packed a bag. I guess it finally seemed real because he became callous, cold, and told me that I would "get what I want" with regard to him breaking up with J and that there was a very real chance J would attempt suicide over it, and I "shouldn't worry about that because it wasn't my problem." He told me I never loved him, that all I do in the relationship is take, that I'm selfish, and basically validated every insecurity about the relationship I've ever had.
On many points, under the acidity, he's not wrong. I am not a perfect person. I have done plenty of things to create a codependent relationship between my spouse and me. We were supposed to start couples counseling, but they fired us because of a conflict of interest and we were sent other counselors to find. I am in individual therapy every other week, as well.
I agreed to stay for the time being. I am firm that if I leave, it is going to be the end of our marriage, because the only place I can stay longer than a few days is my mom's, and I cannot lie to her about why I need to stay in her home.
As of today, he is not willing to end things with J unless I sit down with the two of them and we all talk. I don't want to open myself up to more pain. I just want my life back.
At the end of the day, I don't want to hurt either of them. So I think if I remove myself from the equation by breaking things off with my spouse and leaving, it would at least be something I could grieve and move on from, instead of this limbo of constant emotional distress and dysregulation.
It will upend everything else in my spouse's life, but hey, at least he's got J, I guess.
Am I wrong here? My spouse says he loves me, says he's not willing to sacrifice the life we built together, and insists there's another path forward than breaking things off with J. I don't see it, because I can't trust J to actually care beyond basic lip service. I don't trust J to open up to, after getting shined on and demurred for most of our relationship, when I'd try to be emotionally direct or raw. But apparently I just "don't know J" like my spouse does.
I'm so lost, and I'm so tired of being told I can't think for myself, by my friends and my spouse. I feel so alone. Please, can anyone help me with this mess? I don't know where else to go to ask, because I live in a decidedly polyam-unfriendly area.
For some context: I have been in an open marriage before. I will not call it ENM because it was not ethical. First spouse used it to traumatize and control me.
Current spouse and I have had some brushes with ENM, consistently realizing the people we've tried dating individually/separately were not good for us individually, or for our marriage, and then closing the marriage for a while.
Current spouse and I have been married 7 years, have five kids, a house, and chronic health issues between us. Current spouse is supposed to be acting as my caretaker. Spouse owns his own business, and due to his own health issues and other factors, it is failing.
This latest time, I asked to open to pursue someone we'll call J. Spouse has revealed to me he only agreed to this because he thought he couldn't be what I needed anymore. It was always hierarchical, and catching feelings was supposed to be off the table, but my spouse did not establish this until a few months later.
J and I began dating and seeing each other. Sex wasnt a huge deal or part of it, at first, which was fine.
After about 4 months, J and my spouse and I were all hanging out, and somehow a threesome was initiated. It was very clearly one where it was more about J and my spouse's chemistry and I was incidental. This happened at least two more times before I expressed how uncomfortable I was, how upset I was and how I needed things to be different.
Due to my trauma, I was consistently shut down in the moment of these things, and just going along with it because I have been conditioned that's what I should do. Neither of them noticed until after the threesomes. J didn't even check in on me at all during these situations.
Eventually J and my spouse decided to make it official that they were dating. Meanwhile, I was increasingly made to feel like a third wheel in both of my relationships.
They started dropping "I love you" to each other after maybe a month.
I have consistently stated over the course of this situation how uncomfortable I was with all of this. My spouse and J agreed to step it back and take a break.
Neither one actually took it seriously and continued to act like they were dating. J even insinuated to mutual friends it wasn't really a break.
Finally, I broke things off with J after the two of them went off and spent a whole day together. My mental health crashed and I ended up on a psychiatric hold for a few days. My spouse then, in a fit of what he calls desperation, broke things off with J, and basically melted down.
Every conversation about how J had hurt me, or how my spouse had hurt me, became about what I'd done wrong, in the name of "accountability." Every conversation on the subject eventually drifted to my spouse being angry and upset that he couldn't "be there for J" and that it was my fault they were both hurting.
After 5 weeks, I reached out to J to try and reconcile a little, because I didn't know what else to do, and felt highly pressured to so that my spouse could go back to having a happy little throuple. We had a talk. It went okay, on paper. In reality I was crushed that J took minimal accountability, but was willing to see what developed next between us.
Meanwhile, I have felt enormous pressure from my spouse to reconcile, and enormous pressure from friends, who I mistakenly confided in about the situation, to divorce my spouse.
About a month ago, we and a group of friends that included J went on a camping trip to a festival. My spouse and I came together and talked and I genuinely felt like I could eventually be okay with J in my life as a metamor. Spouse directly asked me if it was on the table for them to date, and I, in the moment pressured for an answer, said that it was fine.
Hours later they were official again, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and ignoring me. My spouse wouldn't leave J's side the whole rest of the trip.
We got home. I tried to clear the air with the friends I'd talked to, and they insinuated my spouse and J had manipulated me, that I wasn't myself, and that I needed to get out.
A week went by and we saw little of J. Then, the next week, J was at our house 5/7 evenings. I broke down at the end of that week and my spouse agreed to take things slower.
Another week went by with relatively minimal contact with J. I was under more pressure from the "friends" who I told to leave me alone about my relationship. Neither of them liked that, so they both chewed me out via Facebook message, while in the same room with each other, and one of them blocked me and told me not to even try to reconcile.
During these conversations, a third friend came to me about some absolutely cruel things J said about me during the camping trip. J insinuated I was just a tolerated entity so they could get what they wanted-- their relationship with my spouse, saying that I was immature and needed to just "get over it" and "grow up." (I'm in my 30s. J is 24.)
Spouse insists we, as in he and I, should approach J about this and discuss things. I refuse to open myself up to someone who has consistently proven through actions and now words that they don't actually care about me, regardless of anything they've said to my face to the contrary.
This last week I have been trying to soul search and clear my head. I have realized I cannot handle my spouse dating J. I told him as much, and he blamed my friends for inflaming my insecurities. I broke down.
Over this last weekend I packed a bag. I guess it finally seemed real because he became callous, cold, and told me that I would "get what I want" with regard to him breaking up with J and that there was a very real chance J would attempt suicide over it, and I "shouldn't worry about that because it wasn't my problem." He told me I never loved him, that all I do in the relationship is take, that I'm selfish, and basically validated every insecurity about the relationship I've ever had.
On many points, under the acidity, he's not wrong. I am not a perfect person. I have done plenty of things to create a codependent relationship between my spouse and me. We were supposed to start couples counseling, but they fired us because of a conflict of interest and we were sent other counselors to find. I am in individual therapy every other week, as well.
I agreed to stay for the time being. I am firm that if I leave, it is going to be the end of our marriage, because the only place I can stay longer than a few days is my mom's, and I cannot lie to her about why I need to stay in her home.
As of today, he is not willing to end things with J unless I sit down with the two of them and we all talk. I don't want to open myself up to more pain. I just want my life back.
At the end of the day, I don't want to hurt either of them. So I think if I remove myself from the equation by breaking things off with my spouse and leaving, it would at least be something I could grieve and move on from, instead of this limbo of constant emotional distress and dysregulation.
It will upend everything else in my spouse's life, but hey, at least he's got J, I guess.
Am I wrong here? My spouse says he loves me, says he's not willing to sacrifice the life we built together, and insists there's another path forward than breaking things off with J. I don't see it, because I can't trust J to actually care beyond basic lip service. I don't trust J to open up to, after getting shined on and demurred for most of our relationship, when I'd try to be emotionally direct or raw. But apparently I just "don't know J" like my spouse does.
I'm so lost, and I'm so tired of being told I can't think for myself, by my friends and my spouse. I feel so alone. Please, can anyone help me with this mess? I don't know where else to go to ask, because I live in a decidedly polyam-unfriendly area.
