Completely Torn and Confused

B

BetweenTwoLives

New member
I'm going to skip most of the story because it's very long, and very complicated. The bottom line is that I have two women in my life who I love passionately, and who used to love each other as well, but now they mutually refuse to participate in a relationship together, and they mutually refuse to share me in a V, so I'm in the position of having to choose.

Both relationships are the type of blinding love that felt like forever, but it looks like I can't have both forever. They both told me they'd never make me choose, but now they both have.

But I hate that, I don't want to choose, I love them both.

I don't even know how to choose -- there's no deeper level of commitment or special agreement between one or the other than obligates me to choose one... it's just a matter of preference, but the concept of loving someone "more" doesn't even make sense to me. What criteria could I possibly use to choose, if I'm forced to choose?

Better, what 'lateral" decision could I make that puts the decision back where it belongs -- in the hands of my lovers? Simply saying "I want you both, figure it out" will just lead to a stalemate between them, I don't think that'd solve the issue.

I'm torn and confused.
 
I just don't see how anyone wins if you have to choose. You will resent having to choose and question if you made the right choice, while the lady you do choose will wonder if you wish you had chosen differently. Not being willing to solve the issues between themselves, could be an indication of your future with either or both of them. What happens when you become the focus of their wrath, will they be willing to find a solution?

Is it that they don't want to share at all or just with each other?
 
They are both willing to share in general. One is strictly poly-fi, one is more flexible. The strictly poly fi one was the first to bow out, and say she didn't want to continue the relationship. In fact, it's a little different than what I said--the flexible one would be okay with a V in theory, and the poly-fi finds the concept completely unacceptable.

Your point about working out differences in well taken.
 
Thats not a lot of detail to be honest. Why did they fall out, how badly and do either actually care to fix it with each other?

They both told me they'd never make me choose, but now they both have.
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Thats really a stupid promise. Sorry but its an impossible dream. Unless both are strong enough to walk away, there will always be a choice being forced somewhere. :)

Better, what 'lateral" decision could I make that puts the decision back where it belongs -- in the hands of my lovers? Simply saying "I want you both, figure it out" will just lead to a stalemate between them, I don't think that'd solve the issue.
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The problem is, it doesn't matter what you want. If you, from either side, comes with the other girl, then being with you includes that person. Period. A V has ideally 4 working relationships. If 2 of them suck wind than its going to be a rough road ahead (you + girl1, you + girl 2, girl1 + girl 2 and the entirety of the 3 of you) And in the end, some people just can't mesh :)
 
Hmmmmm

Hey Between 2,

<sniff sniff> Something's fishy here. VERY fishy.
Either something you're not sharing, or THEY're not sharing with you !

Poly-fi doesn't sound poly at all in this mode. Maybe a player fishing. We have a name (which slips my mind) for this.

Or does poly-fi know something we (and you?) don't ? Must be some pretty serious issue ? Sex habits of poly-2 ? Who knows.

Poly-2 (from your writing) seems fine without needing any relationship with poly-fi. What one would hope & expect if she feels they just don't connect.

In the end - poly-fi concerns me.......... something smells here.....

GS
 
Ok, I agree with the others-but here's my rule of thumb and you can take it or leave it as you see fit.

My rule (and everyone I've ever dated or befriended knows this-as does family)

If "you" try to draw a line in the sand that tells me I must choose "you" or someone else being in my life-
"you" automatically lose.

The reason doesn't much matter-that's my rule and it's worked amazingly for almost all of my life.

Currently my parents are struggling with that rule-because they want me to toss GG out of my life (doesn't matter why as it's not going to happen) and therefore THEY are uninvolved in my life.
So much so that MID MOVE to Washington from Alaska-I spent ALL of the money we'd saved over the last 3 years for the move-to move us all back up to Alaska where we could start over because they put that line in the sand and I simply do not tolerate other people putting lines in MY sand.

It hurts. I love them. I miss them and more than anything I WANT OUT OF ALASKA-yesterday.
But no one is going to control my life and leave me resenting them AND hurting for the loss as well.


Good luck!
 
I have the same rule as you, LR. I've always thought, if someone asks me to choose, then I choose the other person. Even if I would have preferred the first one, all things considered. Because I'll pick the one who isn't making me choose. I pick the one who isn't putting me in that situation, who will have me the way I am.
It seems only fair to me.

In your case, they've both asked you, it seems, so I'm not sure what you could do. Picking neither could be the more "fair" route, but then you have nobody left...
On the other hand I guess I wouldn't trust people very much if they were putting me in this situation to begin with. And rather than resent them forever, no matter which I chose, I might prefer to part ways completely.

I guess I'm not help at all. It sounds like a very hard situation.
 
Tonberry said:
In your case, they've both asked you, it seems, so I'm not sure what you could do. Picking neither could be the more "fair" route, but then you have nobody left...
On the other hand I guess I wouldn't trust people very much if they were putting me in this situation to begin with. And rather than resent them forever, no matter which I chose, I might prefer to part ways completely.

I guess I'm not help at all. It sounds like a very hard situation.
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Actually-the converse is true. If you choose neither of them-you suddenly have millions of other options.

There is MUCH to be said for not choosing people who don't love you for who you are, as you are................

There's probably 1000s of posts on here of the misery that follows if you try to pretend to be that which you aren't just to keep someone.
It pretty much always fails. Not a matter of if, just a matter of when....
 
For me my two men come as a package deal. I have grown to see them as such and to leave one would mean leaving both. I can't see myself being content otherwise at this point. It would be like losing half a person. The relationship is of three of us not me and Mono and PN on the side; not PN and Mono on the side. Just not reality. It would be an impossible situation for me if either asked me to pick. Therefore I would leave both.
 
Gosh, I'm not sure what I would do. I'd feel pretty conflicted since I usually want to make everyone happy. Sounds like you're in a lose-lose situation. It seems like a difficult decision. Although I agree that no matter which one you choose, there will be drama. maybe going with neither of them would be simplest. Best of luck!
 
Thank you all for your insight with this. It's a tough situation for me, I'm always trying to find the win-win(-win) and there seems to be none here.

You're right though, it's a fishy because there's info missing--there are lots of details I left out that make things make more sense, but I've spared you the novel, I think it's probably better that way.

Anyway, thanks again, I'll keep mulling!
 
BetweenTwoLives,
2 words...
package deal.
i'm a firm believer in when it comes to poly...there is no you without u two (or more ;-)... its all a package deal...
and i appreciate the lack of a novel but by same token...kinda leave me wondering whats what....
what do u mean they made you choose? did each say "i want you all to myself" or did one say "i'm sorry i can only handle you and one other partner" or what?
sorry....
but above all , really truly...
i wish you lots and lots and lots of support.... (((hugs)) you'll get thru this. its looking grim right now, but there is light...
 
this sounds like they are each asking you to choose them over you. sadly that will never work out. I have been in the situation where my partners basically asked me to choose them and their lifestyle over me and mine. I was asked to further contribute to their life but was not allowed the respect for my own thoughts, feelings and desires. I was told that i was causing problems if i didn't conform to their wants. Eventually, I chose me over us. my heart was broken but now I'm in a much better place than I ever was with them.

You need to do what is right for you, you can't worry about how they feel about it. That may mean that you have to give up both of them.
 
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