Confused and very scared

alina

New member
Hi I'm very new to this. I've been with this guy for almost 10 months. He just recently (2 months) moved to a different state and about a month and a half ago when i went to visit told me he was poly. he had mentioned it before but since I'm monogamous I never thought he would think I would like an open relationship. The point is he recently came to visit and told me he had been with two girls. He told them all about me and how I'm the one for him and the one he will marry. I love him and if accepting this lifestyle is what it takes to be with him so be it. But I felt like there was something wrong with me like I'm not enough and that's why he went to others. He assures me he loves me and would be heartbroken if we were to break up.

My question is: Am I wrong for feeling like this? Should I accept this and believe that he loves me and I'm the one? Please help, I'm desperate.
 

BoringGuy

Banned
My question is: Am I wrong for feeling like this? Should I accept this and believe that he loves me and I'm the one? Please help, I'm desperate.

If he is truly "poly" then you are not "the" one, you are "a" one. If he just needs to be with other women for sex, then maybe you are "the" one but you probably shouldn't think that it will change once you get married. If you can't handle this in your relationship for the duration, then don't prolong the inevitable. 10 months is not a very long time; you can still cut your losses and find someone to be with whose vision of what a relationship should look like is more like your own vision of what a relationship should look like.
 
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gomugirl1656

New member
Nope you are not wrong. We are programed in our society to feel that marriage lends us the time and exclusive body rights of our spouse. Poly isn't wrong either some people can love more than one person and it not take away from any of the relationships.

Monogamy supposes that one person can and should meet all the needs of another.

Polyamory supposes that one person can't possibly meet all the needs of another person and that love is a limitless resource that only grows as time goes on.

My hus and I have been together 16 years married 13 of that and we have had lovers over 9 of those years and we love each other more now than ever. It can work but it takes communication, honesty with kindness, and self-responsibility. Think carefully and give yourself time. Jealousy does happen and can be overcome. There may be issues of all sorts but love means you work it out. It's up to you and he to decide. Share your fears honestly I think you will be ok.

As for your second question it is entirely possible that he loves you and wants you to be his primary but you have to decide together what ground rules if any there should be before you get married. Hope this helps.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Take him out of the equation for a moment.

What do YOU want? To marry? If so? Do you want a husband that is dating other people? Or a husband that is exclusive to you?

If exclusive to you -- best to end it here with him and be friends.

You have different beliefs. Neither is better than the other -- just different.

You have the right to seek what YOU want in Life. Do not compromise yourself.

If you are willing to let go of "exclusive" and come to terms with his poly side and be a monoamorous person in love with a polyamorous person?

Well... What's he mean you are the "one" -- the legal wife? The primary? What kind of open relationship model does he subcribe to? How well do you deal with jealousy?

There's stuff to consider. Because maybe you are a monoamorous person who could maybe deal with a "V" with just one other person but NOT a large polytangle or a casul sex swinging scene where there's lots more numbers than just one other person besides you. Then there's the "being in right relationship" -- are you exclusive NOW? As BF and GF? With the LDR thing? If that is the expectation what's he doing with other people? Were promises broken or not?

You are in a time of discernment for yourself. But again -- there is NOTHING wrong with wanting monoamory in a monogamous relationship! You have the right to live your life as you most want it to be.

HTH!
GG
 
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WhatHappened

New member
about a month and a half ago when i went to visit told me he was poly... The point is he recently came to visit and told me he had been with two girls. He told them all about me and how I'm the one for him and the one he will marry.

To be clear...he was 'with' two girls (and presumably we don't mean for a beer and a game of darts) and told you after the fact? Were you supposed to be impressed that he was more honest with them than he was with you?

The question of whether you know, after only 10 months, that you're so into him that you're willing to spend the next 50 years living a very unconventional lifestyle that you never expected, just to be with him, is one question.

At least equally important: he's just tested you out to see what happens if he says, "Oh, hey, baby, by the way, I screwed two other girls, but see it's 'cause I'm poly." What happens when this continues--"Oh, hey, baby, I just ran up 30K in debt, but see it's because...." or "Oh, hey, baby, I know you have three sick kids under the age of 3, but I bought myself a plane ticket to Hawaii, but see it's because...."

Sorry, but if the heart of poly is honesty, I don't think he's been very honest with you. Honesty and integrity would have been discussing it BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENED. Doing it without telling you is called cheating, and I have a huge problem that he was more honest with THEM than he was with YOU, supposedly his beloved girlfriend.
 

alina

New member
Think carefully and give yourself time. Jealousy does happen and can be overcome. There may be issues of all sorts but love means you work it out. It's up to you and he to decide. Share your fears honestly I think you will be ok.

As for your second question it is entirely possible that he loves you and wants you to be his primary but you have to decide together what ground rules if any there should be before you get married. Hope this helps.

Thank you for your words as they have been very helpful. I hope I can overcome any jealousy and that our love is strong enough to overcome distance or anything.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Take him out of the equation for a moment.

What do YOU want?
GG

An incredibly important (possibly the most important) aspect of a relationship and strangely the one that is most frequently overlooked. An adult relationship is hopefully made up of two adults, each responsible for their own emotions, growth, and actions.
 

alina

New member
Thank you all for replying, right now I'm going crazy because he hasn't been texting as much, he's very busy at work but it takes 20 seconds at most to write a text. My mind wonders I hate this. i love him and want this to work but I really sometimes feel like giving up.
 

nycindie

Active member
i love him and want this to work but I really sometimes feel like giving up.

Well, keep in mind that love is not enough to make a relationship work and bring you satisfaction. It's just not. As I see it, you need much better communication between you. You assumed that when he said he was poly that didn't really mean he would do anything about it. I take it you never asked him questions to get clarity on what he meant and how he intends to live (why he didn't explain himself I do not understand - but you need to be proactive and ask for the info you need to make an informed choice of whether or not to be involved with someone). AND furthermore, he assumed he could go stick his dick in other women and tell you afterwards.

Something definitely stinks here! Some growing up -- on both your parts -- is in order.

I hope you use condoms with him. He doesn't seem trustworthy. If not, get tested now.
 
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alina

New member
you need much better communication between you. You assumed that when he said he was poly that didn't really mean he would do anything about it. I take it you never asked him questions to get clarity on what he meant and how he intends to live (why he didn't explain himself I do not understand - but you need to be proactive and ask for the info you need to make an informed choice of whether or not to be involved with someone). AND furthermore, he assumed he could go stick his dick in other women and tell you afterwards.

I wonder that too and he says he never really got into the subject because he was afraid of loosing me. I really don't know what to do, right now he's with somebody who he has been with sexually but he says she's just a friend. I really don't know what to believe, because now he is not texting and that makes me feel rejected or not taken care of. And if I text him he does answer in a minute but I don't always want to be the one to text or call. LDR with a poly really sucks :(
 

nycindie

Active member
LDR with a poly really sucks :(
It only sucks if poly is forced on you without discussion beforehand, and you're expected to just bend over and take it any way he wants to give it.

Geez, hon, open your eyes and snap out of it! Stop pining for someone who has not been very respectful of you!

You've only been with this guy ten months which isn't that long, as someone else said. He has not demonstrated very much understanding of what poly is at all -- otherwise he would have been clear and truthful with you from the start, and made sure it was something you agree to before getting serious with you. One of the basics of polyamory is mutual CONSENT. That's not the same as "This is how I am but I didn't tell you in case you'd freak out and leave me, so now that you're totally hung up on me you gotta deal with me fucking other women without telling you." Basically he's using polyamory as an excuse to get away with whatever he can. Oops." So... why do you want to marry him?
 
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alina

New member
So... why do you want to marry him?

I'm not clear and I'm really not sure. I hate this situation but somehow feel I owe it to myself and the relationship to give it a try if we are ever together again. Sometimes I just want to tell him to fuck off but for some reason I don't. This is very complicated and he's into talking about it and how I feel it's just that actions speak louder than words and when we skype everything is cool but then a week goes by and I don't hear from him, I don't know what to think anymore seriously, thanks for your comments!!
 

WhatHappened

New member
I'm not clear and I'm really not sure. I hate this situation but somehow feel I owe it to myself and the relationship to give it a try if we are ever together again. Sometimes I just want to tell him to fuck off but for some reason I don't. This is very complicated and he's into talking about it and how I feel it's just that actions speak louder than words and when we skype everything is cool but then a week goes by and I don't hear from him, I don't know what to think anymore seriously, thanks for your comments!!

You owe what to yourself? Why?

You owe absolutely nothing to a relationship of only ten months that includes him being less than honest with you and blowing you off for a week at a time whenever he feels like it.

I personally think what you owe yourself is someone who treats you better.
 

Lynn

New member
You have some major soul searching to do. As has already been pointed out, you have to decide what YOU want from a relationship. You, just like anyone else, deserve to be with someone who wants the same things that you want. To me, it feels like he cheated on you. Instead of talking to you BEFORE he did these other two girls so you could talk about it and he could try to help you through it, he told you afterwards. I know for me, this would damage my trust in him and if there's no trust, there's not much else.

And another thing to think about: As hard as it is for you now, it's going to be even harder when you're living together and you watch him leave to go off on a date. Just from the information you've given, I don't see him as a man of honor and integrity.
 
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