confused girlfriend

AliS

New member
I read the forums and most writing are the husband or wife....I am the girlfriend and not sure my place in this, especially since I am new to this and new in the relationship. My boyfriend does keep saying we will find our way but its still hard to figure out my place in this.

I know I don't want someone in my life full time and the thought of myself having someone else is appealing I just find I have so many questions and no answers.
 

rpcrazy

New member
what do you mean "the girlfriend". Did your boyfriend tell you he's Poly? Or did you drop the Poly bomb? or was it mutual?

Also, what do you mean you don't want someone in your life full time? If you don't want a committed relationship, then you should make sure to tell the people you're in relationships with that you don't want commitment.

Polyamory is the pretty much the exact opposite of what you seem to want(by saying you don't want full time). It takes extreme commitment, dedication and unconditional love to make poly relationships work. It sound like what you need to is to figure out who you are, what you want, and to date and connect to people and find out what you like. While you date, remember to have self control with you self and tell the truth to people you are involved with. That you don't want anything full time and want to be open.

If you have any questions i can talk to you, pm me and i'll give you my email
 

AliS

New member
i am the girlfriend to the married guy. I know this is right for me but i am just trying to find my way in a world that everyone frowns upon. I so much want to be part of their life, yes his, his wifes and her boyfriends....but its just so new to me.... Am I just thinking too much??
 

Ariakas

Bosun
It does seem rare that the poly additions speak out, but they are around. I think a lot of the emotional limelight is thrown on the couple so sifting through the couples having challenges can be hard, but it is there. I think the emotional wrenching tends to come from the couples being thrown into this. As to you specifically

I don't think you are overthinking, You sound like you are being thoughtful. You will find your own way but you can study what others have done, right or wrong. This may help you decide what you want out of it and help you foresee pitfalls of being in a V.

Have you take a chance to read anything by Franklin. http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html its a good place to start.

Continue asking questions and please feel free to elaborate on your feelings being involved in a V

The irony of "find my way in a world that everyone frowns upon"...not everyone does. There are a lot of open people. Or indifferent people. Or better yet, people that want you to be happy. Don't be concerned with what others think and enjoy what you can :)

ari
 

AliS

New member
Also, what do you mean you don't want someone in your life full time? If you don't want a committed relationship, then you should make sure to tell the people you're in relationships with that you don't want commitment.



What I mean by someone full time is that I dont want to live with someone. I have just come out of a 23 year marriage and need my space and I know the Poly relationship is what I want. Being the girlfriend of the married man in this, he is not with me all the time, I get the space I need but your comment did make me realise that yes, this is a commitment of a different sort... and yes, I am happy with that :)
 

Ariakas

Bosun
What I mean by someone full time is that I dont want to live with someone. I have just come out of a 23 year marriage and need my space and I know the Poly relationship is what I want. Being the girlfriend of the married man in this, he is not with me all the time, I get the space I need but your comment did make me realise that yes, this is a commitment of a different sort... and yes, I am happy with that :)

To be honest, thats a perfect example of someone who suits a secondary relationship. Very nice hearing that perspective as it does seem to be rare in many cases.
 

AliS

New member
Thank you... I have been wrestling with myself for months about what I want and this seems perfect.
 

FitChick

New member
I think its great you have found something that works for you,it means you get to meet lots of interesting new people and have some new experiences,all while 'recovering' from your marital breakup! :)
 

Vexxed

New member
I'm a "poly addition" also. I'm dating a married woman that has one other boyfriend.

AliS, you are not alone.
 

AliS

New member
hi vexxed....how are you finding it? I am new into it, so not only trying to work out the kinks of having a new boyfriend who isnt into communication (txt, emails or calls) but the whole poly thing too
 

Vexxed

New member
AliS, I haven't been doing very well. We have certainly had our good times, but I've caused a bit of drama for us also. I was dishonest and did not disclose some very important things about my sexual history. That was an earlier mistake. A more recent mistake is that I broke boundaries and didn't disclose it, then bent the truth when I confessed, then finally confessed to all of it, over the phone.

She is 2,000 miles away on vacation right now. We agreed over the phone that we wanted to work it out, and both said that we love each other. She should be back in town in about 17 days.

I'm reading the book Radical Honesty right now, and I so wish that I would have read it last year before meeting her. This book is not about polyamory, but the section on building intimacy for couples, and what he has to say about communicating about sex is very valuable information, in my opinion.

At the root of my problems is that I have been insecure. She has been a wonderful partner.
 

redpepper

Active member
Hi there, My boyfriend is on here, Mono. He has a lot of experience... he was also married and now is doing just fine living alone and being in my life when he can... which is a lot now, it wasn't at the beginning. He is very merged with our lives now. Try doing a tag search and see what you come up with. There have been discussions about being a third on here for example.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
You beat me by a handful of hours RP!
I was just reading the thread thinking.... "Mon is one..."
:)

I am the wife. But welcome to the board!!
 

LoveWarrior

New member
I am the mono GF of a binogamous woman who has a BF of a couple of years. While not married (and not gonna be), they do have a commitment to each other. Being the new comer to this situation has its challenges because they have a head start of intimacy which is something that I want in my life.

We are also challenged by distance...which, I think is also a good thing for us since my GF and I are both passionate and totally gah gah for each other.

Admittedly, I have had moments when I have considered dating another woman.. locally but, in all honestly, I am so in love with my GF that another woman in my life would just be a stand-in for when I am not able to see her. And that just seems wrong to me.

I am finding that I have to be careful negotiating this emotional space that I am drawn to when we are unable to be together. This place says to me: well she has someone else. You can too. While I know that to be a potential truth in the matter, I am also well aware of the fact that my GF has a GF and a BF because that is HOW she is. The same is not necessarily true for me.

Still, I have not completely closed the door on that option.

All this to say, I know this place of confusion. I get through it by focusing on the immense love and support I have in this relationship. Stay strong and true.
 

Brunetteangel03

New member
hi there! This is all very new to me too! I am in a Triad. I am the gf of both the wife and husband in the relationship. this def has it's challenges. it is difficult in a way to be an addition in a way, but i think we are working out the kinks a bit. I am still feeling a little like the third wheel sometimes though. but he put my mind at ease one night when he told me i was an addition to their little clan and not just second best.
 

redpepper

Active member
Don't forget too that you might be an addition to their life, but they are also an addition to yours. They also need to be conscious of that and begin knowing what your life is about, blend into that a bit too. Its not all about them. Its about each of you.
 
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