Polyamory
Hey all, new to this forum and recently posted an Introductory thread detailing a little bit about myself, my current relationship status, and how I got here to poly! I'm going to be posting here as a sort of open journal for myself. There will be some venting and emotions involved. I will likely say something at one point but change perspectives by another. It's helpful for me to write these things out. Advice and opinions aren't unwelcome, but I will likely include a question/invitation to discussion in a post if I am specifically looking for it. More particular concerns will be posted in the Poly Relationships Corner or General Discussion.
Intro TL;DR -- Prior monogamist invited into a polyamorous relationship with Aspen (in an open marriage with Birch), a friend that I had developed romantic feelings for over the years. It turns out she felt the same!
The relationship between us is beautiful: great communication, great sex, autonomy, mutual respect and admiration, similar life experiences, love languages, values, interests, hobbies, humor. But her primary/marital relationship provides some sources of concern (potential emotional abuse & codependency). I cherish the relationship I have with Aspen so much, and I'm committed to preserving that. But as a recovering codependent, I'm also faced with a dilemma of enforcing personal boundaries that protect me from being party or subject to codependency and attachments to people I no longer have the space for in my life.
Enter Poly
I had feelings for Aspen quite early on. We had known of each other through a mutual friend at our gym, but never were introduced. During the covid quarantines, we started to talk a little bit over social media. We have a shared interest in weightlifting (as a competitive sport, beyond just exercise/fitness -- it's a very big part of both of our lives). When things began to open back up, I got a job at a new gym and invited her to join myself and my team there. Being there together provided the opportunity to get to know each other better and develop a strong friendship really quickly. In retrospect, we both feel like we tended to gravitate toward each other.
It didn't feel like intense sparks or chemistry ever honestly. Just small incidences over time of being around Aspen, being invited to hang out at her & Birch's home, going out to events and doing different activities together that just felt comfortable. I noticed on multiple occasions the feeling of little glimmers, moments where I would think to myself "I really like moments like this. It adds something nice to my life." or "we're talking about this topic, and damn we really feel the same about that down to a T... it's really nice to have that kind of agreement."
And those little instances just kept happening. They still continue to happen even now.
When she professed that she also had feelings for me and asked if I would want to be in a poly relationship, I nearly had an anxiety attack. My body was trembling on the drive back home. I desired so badly to have a more intimate relationship with her, but I also had a lot of respect for Aspen & Birch's connection. I didn't know what poly truly entailed, I didn't want to make mistakes and fuck that up. I didn't want to lose the friendship I had with her if things don't work out. She reassured me that she knows how big of a decision this would be, and encouraged me to take as much time as I needed to figure out my thoughts. I spent that week educating myself on polyamory and non-monogamy. I have continued to educate myself and learn as much as I can since. I asked her if we could schedule a time to discuss in private together. I had so many questions about their marriage, about her needs/wants and whether they aligned with mine, about her experience, about sexual health, about philosophy, about boundaries or rules. I was also dating a few people non-exclusively at the time, and I really liked the notion that I could continue to develop those connections while also building a legitimate relationship with Aspen in particular. It felt free, and there was no pressure to give up other fulfilling connections or aspects of my life to have another.
I am now aware that is strongly advised not to go poly with a specific person in mind, I don't think this advice was something any of us were aware of at the time. Even still, I feel as if it was a good thing. They agreed to shift to polyamory because I am someone Aspen & Birch both trusted, and I trusted them. There is mutual respect amongst us all. That was a reassurance that even if the transition would be difficult, that all of us cared about the others enough to treat each other with compassion in our decision-making.
I knew that they were in an sexually open relationship prior. From what they had both told me at the time, their dynamic seemed to work out well for them. I learned that while they agreed to equally have the freedom to pursue sex with others outside of their marriage, Aspen identified as demisexual and didn't really desire sex without an intimate connection. That was something I resonated with a lot. Birch seemed to be the only one to pursue sexual partnerships with others, and he expressed that he believed sex was a mostly physical desire for him. Their open relationship allowed him to explore his bisexuality in ways that Aspen was unable to fulfill. In no uncertain terms, it was said that "sometimes you want some dick, and Aspen doesn't have one." I support that wholeheartedly, and even now when he is trying to hook up with someone or comes back from a date and I am present, I feel a lot of compersion for him. Their agreement to sexual open-ness was clear. In respect of that agreement, Aspen never really pursued sex with people she was interested in because she needed that romantic connection to have that, and developing a romantic relationship with others was not part of that previous agreement. Another romantic partnership was not something that Birch sought, so it was easier for him to abide by that agreement. But it seems apparent that Aspen had a need/desire to love more freely that wasn't being fulfilled.
I had an assumption that their open marriage meant that they've done the work and self-education on opening up previously, that their experience being non-monogamous would make the transition to poly a little more seamless. Aspen and Birch both told me that they had discussed going poly for months before she finally had the talk with me. Birch reiterated that she was quite clear that she desired more than just sex with me, she wanted to build a full-fledged relationship. That was something I wanted too. He said he supported that, he wanted her to be happy and wanted her to have the freedom to fulfill her needs like he has been able to meet his in their previous structure. However, they both later shared that in those months leading up to this decision, Birch was rather dismissive. He didn't "get" how she would want another relationship because it wasn't something that made sense to him personally. He assumed she just wanted to have sex with me whenever she brought up the topic, and he encouraged her to "go have fun" and left it at that. There was an error in communication there, he wasn't receiving the message she was trying to send for a long time. I respect that she never took advantage of that. She never made it apparent to me that there were feelings there and she never tried to be sexual with me. She waited until what she was trying to communicate with him was more clearly understood and she had his explicit consent.
That communicative disconnect between them was problematic though. Now that I've personally read up more on polyamory, and seen the advice that people often give, I realize that Aspen & Birch never took the opportunity or the time to establish what their relationship would look like being poly. There were no boundaries or expectations established. That time and energy/work was instead taken up by her continuously trying to get her point across, and not being heard by Birch. That experience is also indicative of a major red flag to me. It became apparent that Birch didn't get it because he didn't understand how Aspen could want something different than what he wanted. There are a lot of other things that I've come to learn that reinforce this notion.
To be fair, Aspen is also a recovering codependent like me. She still struggles greatly with boundaries as well as communicating openly (having a tendency to sugar-coat or minimize her wants/needs to avoid conflict). We've had many conversations about this over the years as friends, because it is problematic for me and made me hesitant to be partnered with her. She expressed that she feels she has to sugar-coat things for Birch because he is emotionally volatile. He's even expressed openly that he likes the way she sugar-coats things for him. I assume that those "going poly" conversations involved a lot of that sugar-coating too. I do not like this.
I was confused. I told Aspen bluntly that I cannot tolerate that between us. I cannot continue a relationship with her if she cannot be transparent, honest, and advocate for herself openly with me. She has taken that to heart. When we talk, even about difficult topics, communication is clear and she expresses herself eloquently. We have both been outspoken about our respective expectations and needs, and have been clear about our own boundaries. New ones have popped up frequently, and those conversations go smoothly too. I make active efforts to encourage her to speak plainly and truthfully, as I try to do with her, and she has reciprocated that. Why is it different between them?
To be continued...
Intro TL;DR -- Prior monogamist invited into a polyamorous relationship with Aspen (in an open marriage with Birch), a friend that I had developed romantic feelings for over the years. It turns out she felt the same!
The relationship between us is beautiful: great communication, great sex, autonomy, mutual respect and admiration, similar life experiences, love languages, values, interests, hobbies, humor. But her primary/marital relationship provides some sources of concern (potential emotional abuse & codependency). I cherish the relationship I have with Aspen so much, and I'm committed to preserving that. But as a recovering codependent, I'm also faced with a dilemma of enforcing personal boundaries that protect me from being party or subject to codependency and attachments to people I no longer have the space for in my life.
Enter Poly
I had feelings for Aspen quite early on. We had known of each other through a mutual friend at our gym, but never were introduced. During the covid quarantines, we started to talk a little bit over social media. We have a shared interest in weightlifting (as a competitive sport, beyond just exercise/fitness -- it's a very big part of both of our lives). When things began to open back up, I got a job at a new gym and invited her to join myself and my team there. Being there together provided the opportunity to get to know each other better and develop a strong friendship really quickly. In retrospect, we both feel like we tended to gravitate toward each other.
It didn't feel like intense sparks or chemistry ever honestly. Just small incidences over time of being around Aspen, being invited to hang out at her & Birch's home, going out to events and doing different activities together that just felt comfortable. I noticed on multiple occasions the feeling of little glimmers, moments where I would think to myself "I really like moments like this. It adds something nice to my life." or "we're talking about this topic, and damn we really feel the same about that down to a T... it's really nice to have that kind of agreement."
And those little instances just kept happening. They still continue to happen even now.
When she professed that she also had feelings for me and asked if I would want to be in a poly relationship, I nearly had an anxiety attack. My body was trembling on the drive back home. I desired so badly to have a more intimate relationship with her, but I also had a lot of respect for Aspen & Birch's connection. I didn't know what poly truly entailed, I didn't want to make mistakes and fuck that up. I didn't want to lose the friendship I had with her if things don't work out. She reassured me that she knows how big of a decision this would be, and encouraged me to take as much time as I needed to figure out my thoughts. I spent that week educating myself on polyamory and non-monogamy. I have continued to educate myself and learn as much as I can since. I asked her if we could schedule a time to discuss in private together. I had so many questions about their marriage, about her needs/wants and whether they aligned with mine, about her experience, about sexual health, about philosophy, about boundaries or rules. I was also dating a few people non-exclusively at the time, and I really liked the notion that I could continue to develop those connections while also building a legitimate relationship with Aspen in particular. It felt free, and there was no pressure to give up other fulfilling connections or aspects of my life to have another.
I am now aware that is strongly advised not to go poly with a specific person in mind, I don't think this advice was something any of us were aware of at the time. Even still, I feel as if it was a good thing. They agreed to shift to polyamory because I am someone Aspen & Birch both trusted, and I trusted them. There is mutual respect amongst us all. That was a reassurance that even if the transition would be difficult, that all of us cared about the others enough to treat each other with compassion in our decision-making.
I knew that they were in an sexually open relationship prior. From what they had both told me at the time, their dynamic seemed to work out well for them. I learned that while they agreed to equally have the freedom to pursue sex with others outside of their marriage, Aspen identified as demisexual and didn't really desire sex without an intimate connection. That was something I resonated with a lot. Birch seemed to be the only one to pursue sexual partnerships with others, and he expressed that he believed sex was a mostly physical desire for him. Their open relationship allowed him to explore his bisexuality in ways that Aspen was unable to fulfill. In no uncertain terms, it was said that "sometimes you want some dick, and Aspen doesn't have one." I support that wholeheartedly, and even now when he is trying to hook up with someone or comes back from a date and I am present, I feel a lot of compersion for him. Their agreement to sexual open-ness was clear. In respect of that agreement, Aspen never really pursued sex with people she was interested in because she needed that romantic connection to have that, and developing a romantic relationship with others was not part of that previous agreement. Another romantic partnership was not something that Birch sought, so it was easier for him to abide by that agreement. But it seems apparent that Aspen had a need/desire to love more freely that wasn't being fulfilled.
I had an assumption that their open marriage meant that they've done the work and self-education on opening up previously, that their experience being non-monogamous would make the transition to poly a little more seamless. Aspen and Birch both told me that they had discussed going poly for months before she finally had the talk with me. Birch reiterated that she was quite clear that she desired more than just sex with me, she wanted to build a full-fledged relationship. That was something I wanted too. He said he supported that, he wanted her to be happy and wanted her to have the freedom to fulfill her needs like he has been able to meet his in their previous structure. However, they both later shared that in those months leading up to this decision, Birch was rather dismissive. He didn't "get" how she would want another relationship because it wasn't something that made sense to him personally. He assumed she just wanted to have sex with me whenever she brought up the topic, and he encouraged her to "go have fun" and left it at that. There was an error in communication there, he wasn't receiving the message she was trying to send for a long time. I respect that she never took advantage of that. She never made it apparent to me that there were feelings there and she never tried to be sexual with me. She waited until what she was trying to communicate with him was more clearly understood and she had his explicit consent.
That communicative disconnect between them was problematic though. Now that I've personally read up more on polyamory, and seen the advice that people often give, I realize that Aspen & Birch never took the opportunity or the time to establish what their relationship would look like being poly. There were no boundaries or expectations established. That time and energy/work was instead taken up by her continuously trying to get her point across, and not being heard by Birch. That experience is also indicative of a major red flag to me. It became apparent that Birch didn't get it because he didn't understand how Aspen could want something different than what he wanted. There are a lot of other things that I've come to learn that reinforce this notion.
To be fair, Aspen is also a recovering codependent like me. She still struggles greatly with boundaries as well as communicating openly (having a tendency to sugar-coat or minimize her wants/needs to avoid conflict). We've had many conversations about this over the years as friends, because it is problematic for me and made me hesitant to be partnered with her. She expressed that she feels she has to sugar-coat things for Birch because he is emotionally volatile. He's even expressed openly that he likes the way she sugar-coats things for him. I assume that those "going poly" conversations involved a lot of that sugar-coating too. I do not like this.
I was confused. I told Aspen bluntly that I cannot tolerate that between us. I cannot continue a relationship with her if she cannot be transparent, honest, and advocate for herself openly with me. She has taken that to heart. When we talk, even about difficult topics, communication is clear and she expresses herself eloquently. We have both been outspoken about our respective expectations and needs, and have been clear about our own boundaries. New ones have popped up frequently, and those conversations go smoothly too. I make active efforts to encourage her to speak plainly and truthfully, as I try to do with her, and she has reciprocated that. Why is it different between them?
To be continued...