Curious if Polyamory is right for me.... or am I just un satisfy-able??

[SpaceCat]

I'm 44, female. I've been in many monogamous relationships. I'm currently in one, going on 3.5 years. I'm finding myself in the same predicament as in every other relationship: problems, lost sexual interest due to monotony and feeling stifled, along with a mismatch in sexual style with my partner. I've been so frustrated, feeling dysphoric, with no interest in sex at all.

I'm a very social person. I love people. I've often wished I was able to have deeper connections with people, guilt free. The thought is exciting and awakens something within me that has been asleep for a long time.

I still worry that maybe I am simply seeking greener grass. Am I simply unable to be happy with what I have? I don't want to throw away a good relationship over my own inability to find joy and gratitude in what I already have.

I have had jealousy issues in the past. I hate feeling like someone owns me or that I own them, but it seems par for the course in monogamy.
I ask myself, "Could I really handle seeing my partner be intimate with other people??" Am I selfish?

I wonder if this is what I need to finally break free from the cultural conditioning of monogamy, possession and jealousy.

Has anyone here been through this and found polyamory to be a good move, or a big mistake?

Thank you for your engagement in my struggle.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

I'm sorry you struggle. I don't know if this helps you at all, but reading your post made me think of this:

I'm finding myself in the same predicament as every other relationship... problems... lost sexual interest due to monotony and feeling stifled along with a mismatch in sexual style with my partner.

Is some of this the normal "wax and wane" in a relationship? NRE only lasts for 6-24 months. After that there is the normal "wax and wane" where you are close, then not as close, then close again, and so on. It can feel "deflating" after the "brain high" of NRE. But I don't think the "normal" is lesser. It's just that NRE is so amped up.

How do you and your partner solve problems? Do you do healthy conflict resolution? Are you both good at this, or are these skills to grow?

I'm 44 female.

Could some of the sexual mismatch be from peri-menopause? Peri-menopause can go on for YEARS before actual menopause and if your hormones are off, a lot of things can get wonky. Maybe it's worth thinking about a check up.

I know, for me, HRT was a huge help in my 40s. Mine were SO bad.

I'm a very social person and love people. I often have wished I was able to have deeper connections with people guilt free. The thought is exciting and awakens something within me that has been asleep for a long time.

How was your social wellness in the pandemic? Mine is still recovering. Are you getting enough time out and about with friends?

Do you also want to date other people? Does your partner? Or have you not talked about this yet and are trying to figure out how to have the conversation? Or do you simply want to break up with them and then move on to polyamory on your own?

I don't want to throw away a good relationship over my own inability to find joy and gratitude with what i already have.

I don't know what that means. Are you and partner not long-term compatible? You feel like you "should" be happy here with a "nice partner," but you are not, because "nice" is not really hitting all the things for you? Do you have depression? Do you need to articulate or refine your personal standards for what you seek in a dating partner?

Maybe this area needs some reflection.

I have had jealousy issues in the past. I hate feeling like someone owns me or that I own them... but it seems par for the course in monogamy.

I'm sorry that's been your experience of monogamy. There is healthy monogamy, and there's also unhealthy monogamy. Do you view relationships as participatory or possessive? How about your dating partners?

I ask myself "Could I really handle seeing my partner be intimate with other people??" Am I selfish??

Why do you have to SEE your partner(s) sharing sex with others? Can't they just have their other relationship(s), and your have yours, and each dyad has their own privacy? Group sex, or watching others share sex, are NOT requirements in polyamory. They are their own things.

Why would wanting to skip those activities make you selfish? You are allowed to have your own personal preferences. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU.

Did you mean something else?

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm 44, female. I've been in many monogamous relationships. I'm currently in one, going on 3.5 years. I'm finding myself in the same predicament as every other relationship: problems, lost sexual interest due to monotony and feeling stifled, along with a mismatch in sexual style with my partner.
I've been so frustrated, feeling dysphoric, with no interest in sex at all.

I'm a very social person and love people. I often have wished I was able to have deeper connections with people, guilt free. The thought is exciting and awakens something within me that has been asleep for a long time.

I still worry that maybe I am simply seeking greener grass. Am I simply unable to be happy with what I have? I don't want to throw away a good relationship over my own inability to find joy and gratitude in what I already have.

Were you always mismatched sexually with your current partner, or did that happen after the infatuation stage (NRE) ended? Have you and partner tried anything to revive the sexual excitement?

If everything else is great, the sex could be worked on, or maybe you will want to seek other relationships for more sex and love. However, a lack of emotional intimacy can lead to less sex. Is there some kind of blockage there? Where do you and partner stand on the relationship escalator? Do you agree on the floor you're on and how high you want to go?

I have had jealousy issues in the past. I hate feeling like someone owns me or that I own them, but it seems par for the course in monogamy.

That's right. Especially in the past, women were literally owned by men. A man could even own multiple women, wives or sex slaves (concubines). In more recent monogamous times, women have also put a claim on their men.

This is changing due to modern feminism. We are pioneers in a new realm.

Jealousy is based on fear of loss. However, in poly, the idea is there isn't loss, there is just the addition of appropriate partners. Of course, dating is hard and not every person you date is going to be a long-term runner.

I ask myself, "Could I really handle seeing my partner be intimate with other people??" Am I selfish?

I wonder if this is what I need to finally break free from the cultural conditioning of monogamy, possession and jealousy.

Has anyone here been through this and found polyamory to be a good move, or a big mistake?

Thank you for your engagement in my struggle.

Sure, there have been thousands of people coming to this board who are somewhere on their poly journeys. We don't consider ourselves selfish. Some have tried poly and decided against it, and others have joyfully embraced it, after a lot of research, a lot of soul searching, a lot of clear and open communication with their partners or potential partners, and a few mistakes.

To get more of a handle on your feelings, keep reading around our board. Also, you could try reading Sex at Dawn: how we mate and why we stray. There are self help books with tons of great info, such as Opening Up, Polysecure and Designer Relationships, to name a few.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings SpaceCat,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I suppose the thing to do, is to tell your (monogamous) partner that you think polyamory might be right for you, and that you would like to try polyamory for a while, and see if it fits. Who knows, maybe your partner would want to try polyamory with you. Which raises the question, how would you feel if your partner found another partner (in addition to you)? just a question that is good to ask.

Be aware that polyamory doesn't necessarily erase all jealousy; just about all polyamorists have felt jealous at one time or another. The philosophy usually associated with polyamory helps -- the idea that people don't own each other, as well as the idea that a person can be in love with multiple people at one time. If you try poly, who knows whether you'll have less struggles with jealousy, or more?

For what it's worth, I personally have found polyamory to be a net benefit in my life, as well as in the lives of my (two) poly companions. There came a time, a little over twenty years ago, when I decided that morality, rather than by the Bible, or by some religious authority, is defined by the mutual consent of all participating parties. I learned about polyamory a few years later, and it was a comfortable fit.

The V I am in had a few difficult years together initially. But we have gotten through that and now we get along well. It feels like it is worth it. Poly is not for everyone, so I can't promise it's right for you. But from your description, it sounds pretty hopeful to me that it is right for you. Keep reading and learning about it, and let us know whenever you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[SpaceCat]

Welcome.

I'm sorry you struggle. I don't know if this helps you at all, but reading your post made me think of this:



Is some of this the normal "wax and wane" in a relationship? NRE only lasts for 6-24 months. After that there is the normal "wax and wane" where you are close, then not as close, then close again, and so on. It can feel "deflating" after the "brain high" of NRE. But I don't think the "normal" is lesser. It's just that NRE is so amped up.

How do you and your partner solve problems? Do you do healthy conflict resolution? Are you both good at this, or are these skills to grow?



Could some of the sexual mismatch be from peri-menopause? Peri-menopause can go on for YEARS before actual menopause and if your hormones are off, a lot of things can get wonky. Maybe it's worth thinking about a check up.

I know, for me, HRT was a huge help in my 40s. Mine were SO bad.




How was your social wellness in the pandemic? Mine is still recovering. Are you getting enough time out and about with friends?

Do you also want to date other people? Does your partner? Or have you not talked about this yet and are trying to figure out how to have the conversation? Or do you simply want to break up with them and then move on to polyamory on your own?



I don't know what that means. Are you and partner not long-term compatible? You feel like you "should" be happy here with a "nice partner" but you are not because "nice" is not really hitting all the things for you? Do you have depression? Do you need to articulate or refine you personal standards for what you seek in a dating partner?

Maybe this area needs some reflection.


I'm sorry that's been your experience of monogamy.

There is healthy monogamy, and there's also unhealthy monogamy.

Do you view relationships as participatory or possessive? How about your dating partners?




Why do you have to SEE your partner(s) sharing sex with others? Can't they just have their other relationship(s), and your have yours, and each dyad has their own privacy?

Group sex or watching others share sex are NOT requirements in polyamory. They are their own things.

Why would wanting to skip those activities make you selfish? You are allowed to have your own personal preferences. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU.

Did you mean something else?

Galagirl

HI thanks for your thoughtful response!! Ill try to answer most of your questions....

We have a lot of communication problems, on both sides. My partner never apologizes for anything and that creates a level of resentment inside me. I think both partners need to take some accountability in any argument etc., and he refuses to admit that he could have communicated better or done anything differently.

I don't think I'm peri-menopausal yet. And even if I am, I can still get VERY turned on, just not by my partner, due to the resentment (which I am TRYING to let go of).

My social wellness was fine during the pandemic. I spent plenty of time with friends hiking and having gatherings at my place. I was never afraid of getting Covid and luckily never caught it.

I didn't mean actually WATCH my partner have sex. I just mean KNOWING they are going out and being with someone else and then coming home to me might be more than I can deal with. But I don't know, because I've never tried it.

I mean, am I selfish for wanting to experience multiple partners and am not just satisfied with the one I have?

Hopefully that clears up some confusion!

 

[SpaceCat]

Were you always mismatched sexually with your current partner, or did that happen after the infatuation stage (NRE) ended? Have you and partner tried anything to revive the sexual excitement?

If everything else is great, the sex could be worked on, or maybe you will want to seek other relationships for more sex and love. However, a lack of emotional intimacy can lead to less sex. Is there some kind of blockage there? Where do you and partner stand on the relationship escalator? Do you agree on the floor you're on and how high you want to go?

That's right. Especially in the past, women were literally owned by men. A man could even own multiple women, wives or sex slaves (concubines). In more recent monogamous times, women have also put a claim on their men.

This is changing due to modern feminism. We are pioneers in a new realm.

Jealousy is based on fear of loss. However, in poly, the idea is there isn't loss, there is just the addition of appropriate partners. Of course, dating is hard and not every person you date is going to be a long-term runner.

Sure, there have been thousands of people coming to this board who are somewhere on their poly journeys. We don't consider ourselves selfish. Some have tried poly and decided against it, and others have joyfully embraced it, after a lot of research, a lot of soul searching, a lot of clear and open communication with their partners or potential partners, and a few mistakes.

To get more of a handle on your feelings, keep reading around our board. Also, you could try reading Sex at Dawn: how we mate and why we stray. There are self help books with tons of great info, such as Opening Up, Polysecure and Designer Relationships, to name a few.

Hello. Thank you so much for your response!

Yes, we've been mismatched from Day 1. I never meant to move in with him. It was kind of a thing of necessity at the time and then we grew on each other and got comfortable. I do love him, but we are massively different. I tried to be very open and giving with sex in the beginning. For example, I would give him oral almost every time we had sex, but he only gave me oral like 2 times in two years. He was inexperienced when I met him. Not a virgin, just inexperienced, so I just looked past it, but he doesn't SHOW much passion for me and that makes it hard for me to get excited.

I think my partner is emotionally unavailable to a degree that I am unhappy with. He never wants to talk about US-- how he feels, how I feel, or anything like that.

I will look into the resources you suggested. Thank you so much.

 

[SpaceCat]

Greetings SpaceCat,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I suppose the thing to do, is to tell your (monogamous) partner that you think polyamory might be right for you, and that you would like to try polyamory for a while, and see if it fits. Who knows, maybe your partner would want to try polyamory with you. Which raises the question, how would you feel if your partner found another partner (in addition to you)? just a question that is good to ask.

Be aware that polyamory doesn't necessarily erase all jealousy; just about all polyamorists have felt jealous at one time or another. The philosophy usually associated with polyamory helps -- the idea that people don't own each other, as well as the idea that a person can be in love with multiple people at one time. If you try poly, who knows whether you'll have less struggles with jealousy, or more?

For what it's worth, I personally have found polyamory to be a net benefit in my life, as well as in the lives of my (two) poly companions. There came a time, a little over twenty years ago, when I decided that morality, rather than by the Bible, or by some religious authority, is defined by the mutual consent of all participating parties. I learned about polyamory a few years later, and it was a comfortable fit.

The V I am in had a few difficult years together initially. But we have gotten through that and now we get along well. It feels like it is worth it. Poly is not for everyone, so I can't promise it's right for you. But from your description, it sounds pretty hopeful to me that it is right for you. Keep reading and learning about it, and let us know whenever you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Hello!

I have been tossing and turning at night, thinking about bringing up the subject. I am TERRIFIED he will be hurt, feel betrayed, be angry. I DO NOT think he would want to try poly. I mean, is it POSSIBLE? Yeah... but extremely not likely.

I cannot predict how I would feel if he had another partner. What I would hope for is that I could rise to the challenge of letting go of my fear and allow both of us to grow and learn and have new experiences. I would like the opportunity to face that challenge. Even if I fail, I would like to TRY.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thanks for more info.

We have a lot of communication problems. On both sides. My partner never apologizes for anything and that creates a level of resentment inside of me. I think both partners need to take some accountability in any argument etc. and he refuses to admit that he could have communicated better or done anything differently.

I think my partner is emotionally unavailable to a degree that I am unhappy with. He never wants to talk about US or how he feels or even how I feel or anything like that.

These would be a turn off to me.

I don't think I'm peri-menopausal yet - and even if I am, I can still get VERY turned on. Just not by my partner due to the resentment (which I am TRYING to let go of)

Why? Maybe it's ok to NOT want a relationship like this, where the other person never apologizes, never tries to grow or improve their skills. Maybe it's OK to have outgrown him or no longer want this.

You aren't thinking about polyamory as a means to move on without breaking up, are you?

I never meant to move in with him it was kind of a thing of necessity at the time and we grew on eachother and got comfortable.

Is the crisis past? If so, maybe it's time to move back out and reevaluate this relationship?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don't know how to work through, or don't even know if you should? We'll talk you through making these choices, including how-to's on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

I didn't mean actually WATCH my partner have sex - I just meant KNOWING they are going out and being with someone else and then coming home to me might be more than i can deal with but I don't know because I've never tried it.

I think dealing with the meh partner comes first. Decide if you even want to be with him, period. Then worry about polyamory things.

am I selfish for wanting to experience multiple partners and not be satisfied with the one i have.

No. I don't think it is selfish to want more than a meh partner. I also don't think it's selfish to think about polyamory and maybe want that. You get to choose how you want to be living your life. It's not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one life.

I am TERRIFIED he will be hurt, feel betrayed, be angry ... and i DO NOT think he would want to try poly. I mean ... is it POSSIBLE? ... yeah.... but extremely not likely.

Why are you TERRIFIED? You can't be a mind reader. You have to ask if you want to know what he is, and is not, up for.

But again... if he's already a meh partner, isn't asking him if he's up for poly putting the cart before the horse? I think you have to assess if you even want to be with him any more. And if not, just end it without bothering about the poly. When you are single again you can move on to poly on your own, if you want to. And just not bother trying it with him. Cuz ALL the problems are still gonna be there, even if he agrees to poly:

Sexually incompatible
Emotionally unavailable
Poor conflict resolution
Etc.

It sounds like you got to know him "up close" and discovered you don't really get on that great and don't much like what you get here.

So... why drag on this incompatibility, especially when poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks that were already there?

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

We've been mismatched from Day One. I never meant to move in with him. It was kind of a thing of necessity at the time and we grew on each other and got comfortable. I do love him, but we are massively different. I tried to be very open and giving with sex in the beginning. FOR EXAMPLE, I would give him oral almost every time we had sex. He gave me oral like 2 times in two years. He was inexperienced when I met him. Not a virgin, just inexperienced, so I just looked past it, but he doesn't SHOW much passion for me and that makes it hard for me to get excited.

So he's a selfish lover and doesn't make sure you're satisfied. Have you asked for more oral? Some people just don't enjoy it, either giving or receiving, of course. But in that case, they should at least amp up what they do in other ways to make sure their partner is having a great time and is fulfilled.

As GG said, there is waxing and waning in a long-term r'ship, but it doesn't usually wane this early in, in my experience.

On a personal note, my gf's sex drive became much lower a year or so after we met because she was prescribed antidepressants, and the ones that work lower her sex drive. She makes an effort, but it's not nearly enough quantity or quality for me. I don't hold it against her, because it's a medical issue. But I am highly motivated to find another partner whose sex drive matches mine. I'm also sapiosexual, so I need a partner who is smart, as well as sexy (not to mention kind, caring, a good communicator, with some hobbies in common with mine, etc.). I keep my standards high and don't settle for less.

I think my partner is emotionally unavailable to a degree that I am unhappy with. He never wants to talk about US-- how he feels, how I feel, or anything like that.

Yeah, that's no good. He doesn't sound right for you.

Maybe you're poly, or maybe you've been settling for less in a partner than you really need and deserve. You might be satisfied with one really great partner. But then again, maybe you really are poly.

I will look into the resources you suggested. Thank you so much.

We have a lot of communication problems on both sides. My partner never apologizes for anything, and that creates a level of resentment in me. I think both partners need to take some accountability in any argument, and he refuses to admit that he could have communicated better or done anything differently.

The number one rule in poly is Communicate. That's also numbers two and three!

If you also need to brush up on your communication skills, the books on Non-Violent Communication are very helpful. You need to be an excellent communicator too, if you do decide to practice polyamory.

I don't think I'm peri-menopausal yet - and even if I am, I can still get VERY turned on. Just not by my partner. due to the resentment (which I am TRYING to let go of).

I agree that it's OK to resent a partner who isn't providing a certain level of caring behavior. And it's OK to break up.

Am I selfish for wanting to experience multiple partners and not be satisfied with the one I have?

You're not selfish for being curious about polyamory. And you're also not in the wrong to want to break up with a guy who never apologizes, won't talk about his feelings, etc. He sounds like the selfish one for not making an effort to satisfy you sexually. That's grounds for a break-up right there.

Polyamory, however, is a whole different topic from feeling meh about a current partner. "Relationship broken-- add more people" is never a good idea, and just leads to more problems. Deal with the bad relationship first. Break up, or do counseling and see if things can be improved. Once that is clean, THEN look into polyamory.

 

[SpaceCat]

Thanks for more info.

These would be a turn off to me.

Why? Maybe it's ok to NOT want a relationship like this, where the other person never apologizes, never tries to grow or improve their skills. Maybe it's OK to have outgrown him or no longer want this.

You aren't thinking about polyamory as a means to move on without breaking up, are you?

Is the crisis past? If so, maybe it's time to move back out and reevaluate this relationship?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don't know how to work through, or don't even know if you should? We'll talk you through making these choices, including how-to's on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

I think dealing with the meh partner comes first. Decide if you even want to be with him, period. Then worry about polyamory things.

No. I don't think it is selfish to want more than a meh partner. I also don't think it's selfish to think about polyamory and maybe want that. You get to choose how you want to be living your life. It's not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one life.

Why are you TERRIFIED? You can't be a mind reader. You have to ask if you want to know what he is, and is not, up for.

But again... if he's already a meh partner, isn't asking him if he's up for poly putting the cart before the horse? I think you have to assess if you even want to be with him any more. And if not, just end it without bothering about the poly. When you are single again, you can move on to poly on your own, if you want to. And just not bother trying it with him. Cuz ALL the problems are still gonna be there, even if he agrees to poly:

Sexually incompatible
Emotionally unavailable
Poor conflict resolution
Etc.

It sounds like you got to know him "up close" and discovered you don't really get on that great and don't much like what you get here.

So... why drag on this incompatibility, especially when poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks that were already there?

Galagirl

Oh boy. Your last sentence really made me pause...

I guess I am working on getting up the nerve to bring it up to him... trying to figure out the best way to say it. I'm thinking of trying to put it in a way that makes it sound like it might be good for BOTH of us, like, "Wouldn't YOU like the chance to connect with someone more compatible, or compatible in different ways, too?" And hope for at least a "Maybe."

Aside from the things that make us incompatible, he is a great person. He provides so much for me. He's extremely generous and very "nice." He doesn't really ever get on my case about anything and isn't possessive at all. I don't want to come on here and bash him. He is a great guy. Just... not the right guy for me forever and only.

I would even be willing to have a poly relationship with him included, if he was down for it.

I am working up the courage. I know this is so important because, while I DON'T say anything, I feel like not only am I lying to myself, but to him also, and that is a really gross feeling that I cannot tolerate for long. I HAVE to get over my fear. I'm afraid of my life coming apart. We have so much invested together. If he told me to move out it would be DEVASTATING. We have pets together. I currently am doing an UNPAID internship and am in a master's program, so not really in a great position to just go get a place where I can have my pets. That's part of it too. I'm just afraid of the consequences... and also of hurting him. I never want to hurt him.

Anyway, thanks so much for listening and responding. It's really helpful. <3

 

[SpaceCat]

So he's a selfish lover and doesn't make sure you're satisfied. Have you asked for more oral? Some people just don't enjoy it, either giving or receiving, of course. But in that case, they should at least amp up what they do in other ways to make sure their partner is having a great time and is fulfilled.

As GG said, there is waxing and waning in a long-term r'ship, but it doesn't usually wane this early in, in my experience.

On a personal note, my gf's sex drive became much lower a year or so after we met because she was prescribed antidepressants, and the ones that work lower her sex drive. She makes an effort, but it's not nearly enough quantity or quality for me. I don't hold it against her, because it's a medical issue. But I am highly motivated to find another partner whose sex drive matches mine. I'm also sapiosexual, so I need a partner who is smart, as well as sexy (not to mention kind, caring, a good communicator, with some hobbies in common with mine, etc.). I keep my standards high and don't settle for less.

Yeah, that's no good. He doesn't sound right for you.

Maybe you're poly, or maybe you've been settling for less in a partner than you really need and deserve. You might be satisfied with one really great partner. But then again, maybe you really are poly.



The number one rule in poly is Communicate. That's also numbers two and three!

If you also need to brush up on your communication skills, the books on Non-Violent Communication are very helpful. You need to be an excellent communicator too, if you do decide to practice polyamory.



I agree that it's OK to resent a partner who isn't providing a certain level of caring behavior. And it's OK to break up.



You're not selfish for being curious about polyamory. And you're also not in the wrong to want to break up with a guy who never apologizes, don't talk about his feelings, etc. He sounds like the selfish one for not making an effort to satisfy you sexually. That's grounds for a break-up right there.

Polyamory, however, is a whole different topic from feeling meh about a current partner. "Relationship broken-- add more people" is never a good idea, and just leads to more problems. Deal with the bad relationship first. Break up, or do counseling and see if things can be improved. Once that is clean, THEN look into polyamory.

Hi there. Thanks for responding.

I appreciate your perspective. I think I have pretty great communication skills. I am trained as a therapist and have experience using and teaching things like NVC, active listening and empathic responding. I have to admit those are harder to implement in my own life than to teach others hahaha. But yes, I am aware and always trying to do better.

The reason I am considering poly is because I do not like the idea of "belonging" to someone, OR someone "belonging" to me. I am a VERY social person. I have a wide circle of friends and I often want to have more intimate experiences with others that do not include ownership, expectations for relationship agreements etc. Just simple expressions of affection.

My partner is very different. He will NOT go to parties or large gatherings. He cannot stand music events. He can usually enjoy a SMALL gathering, as long as he has someone to talk at who will listen to his MANY long-winded stories about his life and experiences. I go to events and parties by myself every single time. Friends joke with me that my BF is really just a cover and doesn't exist.

He's a good person, a great guy, but I am not happy this way.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello SpaceCat,

It seems to me that your partner is a good guy, it is not that he is not a good guy, it is just that he may not be compatible with you (due to this one little thing -- or these multiple little things), and you are worried that telling him you want poly may bring this incompatibility to light, and you are trying to think of a way to tell him that won't have that result, but you know you have to tell him soon, so this is a source of stress for you.

I don't know if now is the right time to raise the topic of polyamory with him. You have your unpaid internship and pets to think about. This is a complicated situation. I think my advice would be not to rush into this. Instead, invest some time learning more about open/poly/ENM. You are somewhat undecided at this moment anyway. These are some of my current thoughts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[SlowPoly]

The reason I consider poly is because I do not like the idea of 'belonging" to someone OR someone "belonging" to me. I am a VERY social person. I have a wide circle of friends and I often want to have more intimate experiences with others that do not include ownership, expectations for relationship agreements etc. Just simple expressions of affection.

I second most of the advice you’ve already received. And I want to know if you’ve done any reading about Relationship Anarchy. It would be a big shift for your current primary relationship. But it might be a philosophical framework you can work from, if that helps you feel more confident as you explore disentangling from your current relationship.

Good luck!

 

[GalaGirl]

I guess i am working on getting up the nerve to bring it up to him... trying to figure out the best way to say it. I'm thinking of trying to put it in a way that makes it sound like it might be good for BOTH of us... like "Wouldn't YOU like the chance to connect with someone more compatible or compatible in different ways too?" And hope for at least a maybe.

But why, just to avoid a break up?

If you ARE going to ask him how he feels about polyamory, and he doesn't want it, respect that answer.

How to ask is up to you. You are the one there. You know his character and have experience talking to him about other things.

Me? I'd ask for a time to talk, like Friday at 8 PM. Then when the time comes, say something like, "I've been thinking a lot about polyamory. Is that something you'd ever considering trying?"

Then deal with however it is he reacts or responds, knowing you both have the weekend to process and won't have to go to work the next morning if it doesn't go as you hoped.

Aside from the things that make us incompatible, he is a great person. He provides so much for me. He's extremely generous and very "nice". He doesn't really ever get on my case about anything and isn't possessive at all. I don't want to come on here and bash him. He is a great guy. Just .... not the right guy for me forever and only lol.

He can be a good person. That doesn't change the fact that you two are really mismatched in a lot of ways.

Like, if he were a total jerk, it would be easier to walk away. But because he's a good person, it might feel like "Argh! So close! What's wrong with me that I can't appreciate him?" And yet... here are the incompatibilities. Being incompatible is not a moral judgement. It just means you're not compatible. Different personalities, different styles, etc.

I am working up the courage. I know this is so important because while I DON'T say anything I feel like not only am I lying to myself but to him also and that is a really gross feeling that I cannot tolerate for long.

Why does keeping your thoughts to yourself while processing feel like lying? Or do you mean you have been living inauthentically?

I HAVE to get over my fear. I'm afraid of my life coming apart. We have so much invested together. If he told me to move out it would be DEVASTATING. We have pets together, I currently am doing an UNPAID internship and in a master's program, so I'm not really in a great position to just go get a place where I can have my pets. That's part of it too. I'm just afraid of the consequences. And also afraid of hurting him. I never want to hurt him.

Are you his dependent? When will you be able to get a job after this internship, so if it does end up in a break up and you moving out, you can support yourself and the pets? Would you move back home to family? Something else?

I get that this is scary to think about. But you could think it out so it BECOMES less scary, because you have a plan.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I appreciate your perspective. I think I have pretty great comm. skills.

Oh, that's confusing, because you said there were communication problems on both sides.

I am trained as a therapist and have experience using and teaching things like NVC, active listening and empathic responding. I have to admit those are harder to implement in my own life than to teach others.

Ah, yes. I can relate to that. I am also trained as a family life counselor and I do agree it's easy to help others learn how to listen and talk clearly, but when I am actually upset and trying to make myself heard, I might tend to forget some of the skills in the heat of the moment. When I find myself losing it, and getting too emotional, I can at least remember to make myself stop talking and just leave the room. I might work off the anger, or whatever emotion, by doing a bit of cleaning or laundry, or going for a walk, until I have a cooler head. Then I can reapproach my partner, apologize if needed, and make my point in a more rational and kind way.

The reason I consider poly is because I do not like the idea of 'belonging" to someone OR someone "belonging" to me. I am a VERY social person. I have a wide circle of friends and I often want to have more intimate experiences with others that do not include ownership, expectations for relationship agreements etc. Just simple expressions of affection.
My partner is very different. He will NOT go to parties or large gatherings. He cannot stand music events. He can enjoy a SMALL gathering - usually as long as he has someone to talk at who will listen to his MANY long winded stories about his life and experiences.

So it sounds like your partner is introverted and you are extroverted. Also, it sounds like you're over his habit of telling long-winded stories about himself (which you've probably heard before).

One part of being poly is learning to disentangle some and be able to let each other go out (or stay in), and not feel like you have to be joined at the hip all the time. Even if you're not ready to break up and move out, you can certainly start to go out on your own more often, and start to feel like you belong to yourself and can do what you want (within reason). You can make deep connections with others, even before you go to the point of actually having sex with others, at this point in time.

I go to events and parties by myself every single time. Friends joke with me that my BF is really just a cover and doesn't exist.

He's a good person, and a great guy, but I am not happy this way.

It's fine if he doesn't fulfill you in every single way! That is a romantic notion in our culture, that only one person out there will ever be our soul mate, and The One who will meet our every need. The truth is, 99% of the time, no one person can ever meet all of our needs. (Maybe it will seem they can, for a while, but not forever.) There is no shame in realizing this, and learning to live and operate without guilt with your new understanding.

 

[SpaceCat]

Hello SpaceCat,

It seems to me that your partner is a good guy, it is not that he is not a good guy, it is just that he may not be compatible with you (due to this one little thing -- or these multiple little things), and you are worried that telling him you want poly may bring this incompatibility to light, and you are trying to think of a way to tell him that won't have that result, but you know you have to tell him soon, so this is a source of stress for you.

I don't know if now is the right time to raise the topic of polyamory with him. You have your unpaid internship and pets to think about. This is a complicated situation. I think my advice would be not to rush into this. Instead, invest some time learning more about open/poly/ENM. You are somewhat undecided at this moment anyway. These are some of my current thoughts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Those are my thoughts exactly <3

 

[SpaceCat]

But why, just to avoid a break up?

If you ARE going to ask him how he feels about polyamory, and he doesn't wany it, respect his answer. HOW to ask him is up to you. You are the one there. You know his character and have experience talking to him about other things.

Me? I'd ask for a time to talk, like Friday at 8 PM. Then when the time comes, say something like, "I've been thinking a lot about polyamory. Is that something you'd ever considering trying?"

Then deal with however it is he reacts or responds, knowing you both have the weekend to process and it's not like you have to go to work the next morning if it doesn't go as you hoped.


He can be a good person. That doesn't change the fact that you two are really mismatched in a lot of ways.

Like, if he were a total jerk, it would be easier to walk away. But because he's a good person, it might feel like, "Argh! So close! What's wrong with me that I can't appreciate him?"

And yet, here are the incompatibilities. Being incompatible is not a moral judgement, it just means not compatible. Different personalities, different styles, etc.


Why does keeping your thoughts to yourself while processing feel like lying? Or do you mean you have been living inauthentically?


Are you his dependent? When will you be able to get a job after this internship, so if it does end up in a break up and you moving out, you can support yourself and the pets? Would you move back home to family? Something else?

I get that is scary to think about. But think it out so it BECOMES less scary, because you have a plan.

Galagirl

Hey Galagirl

What you said here:

He can be a good person. That doesn't change the fact that you two are really mismatched in a lot of ways. Like, if he were a total jerk, it would be easier to walk away. But because he's a good person, it might feel like, "Argh! So close! What's wrong with me that I can't appreciate him?

... is just so freaking spot on. That's exactly how I feel, and sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong with me. And that's what's led me here. Sooooo many failed relationships in my past, and now this one. If I can't be poly and I can't be mono... well, that's a terrible thought. That's why I'm here. I need to figure it out.

I am not dependent on him. He owns his house outright and doesn't charge rent, but I pay for all of my own bills and food, and pitch in for some mutual things like food, supplies and internet. I could SURVIVE on my own if I left, but I wouldn't be able to care for my pets adequately. So, I think waiting at least until I graduate would be wise. Who knows what might happen between then and now, though? I may have the convo with him sooner than that...

I appreciate your insights. Thank you so much.

 

[SpaceCat]

Oh, that's confusing, because you said there were communication problems on both sides.

Ah, yes. I can relate to that. I am also trained as a family life counselor and I do agree it's easy to help others learn how to listen and talk clearly, but when I am actually upset and trying to make myself heard, I might tend to forget some of the skills in the heat of the moment. When I find myself losing it, and getting too emotional, I can at least remember to make myself stop talking and just leave the room. I might work off the anger, or whatever emotion, by doing a bit of cleaning or laundry, or going for a walk, until I have a cooler head. Then I can reapproach my partner, apologize if needed, and make my point in a more rational and kind way.

So it sounds like your partner is introverted and you are extroverted. Also, it sounds like you're over his habit of telling long-winded stories about himself (which you've probably heard before).

One part of being poly is learning to disentangle some and be able to let each other go out (or stay in), and not feel like you have to be joined at the hip all the time. Even if you're not ready to break up and move out, you can certainly start to go out on your own more often, and start to feel like you belong to yourself and can do what you want (within reason). You can make deep connections with others, even before you go to the point of actually having sex with others, at this point in time.

It's fine if he doesn't fulfill you in every single way! That is a romantic notion in our culture, that only one person out there will ever be our soul mate, and The One who will meet our every need. The truth is, 99% of the time, no one person can ever meet all of our needs. (Maybe it will seem they can, for a while, but not forever.) There is no shame in realizing this, and learning to live and operate without guilt with your new understanding.

AHHHHH! Noooo-- it's so much more than that. I do not feel seen or heard or validated in this relationship!! I feel like a piece of furniture sometimes. I hate it.

Theres a YouTube video about emotionally unavailable partners that describes my situation 100%. I nearly cried watching it because what he said is literally WORD FOR WORD what I've told my therapist about how I feel. I don't expect him to fulfull ALL of my needs. That's another reason I'm here. We can't be everything to anyone. It's too much pressure. Maybe SOME people can. IDK. But I have not experienced this phenomenon.

I NEED CONNECTION. I NEED EMPATHY and GENUINE INTEREST. As much as I WANT to stay with him and love him forever, I don't think I am capable of being in a monogamous relationship where I am not getting those deep needs met.

 

[Magdlyn]

What's the graduation timeline? How soon will you be able to get a well-paying job? How long will it take to build up a nest egg for rent down-payment, moving expenses, etc.? Maybe working this out in writing, say, journaling (you can start a blog here if you want) will help you feel more together and less scared and guilty.

You made a mistake, moving in with a meh boyfriend, just to save on expenses. Or maybe he was a roommate first, and you started a more intimate relationship, and then decided that that was a mistake? You could go back to just roommates, since the sex is bad anyway. Or, if there was a mono relationship understanding, then you'd have the responsibility to not start having sex with anyone else until you do move out, since that would be cheating on your mono agreement.

If you've been living with him for 3.5 years, maybe the education process is almost complete and there's light at the end of the tunnel?

Edit: we posted at the same time, so I am not responding to your most recent post above.

 

[Magdlyn]

AHHHHH noooo its so much more than that. I do not feel seen or heard or validated in this relationship!! I feel like a piece of furniture sometimes. I hate it.

There's a YouTube video about emotionally unavailable partners that describes my situation 100%. I nearly cried watching it because what he said is literally WORD FOR WORD what I've told my therapist about how I feel. I don't expect him to fulfull ALL of my needs. That's another reason I'm here. We can't be everything to anyone. It's too much pressure. Maybe SOME people can. IDK, but I have not experienced this phenomenon.

I NEED CONNECTION. I NEED EMPATHY and GENUINE INTEREST. As much as I WANT to stay with him and love him forever, I don't think I am capable of being in a monogamous relationship where I am not getting those deep needs met

I don't know why you'd WANT to be in a relationship, mono OR poly, with a person who doesn't provide empathy, connection and genuine interest and isn't a generous lover. Why did you choose to move into a relationship with him, if he was incapable of relating to you in this way? How is this being a "nice guy"?

Is he on the autism spectrum? You say, he's not possessive, he's detached, he has no empathy, he "talks at" people in long monologues, etc. I wonder.