Curious

ramanda429

New member
Hello, I am new on here. So here is a little bit about me
Im 25 and have a daughter and have been in a commited relationship for nearly 7 years. We love each other very much and like most couples have problems that we have to work out.

In the past my partner( we aren't engaged or married but I think saying he is my boyfriend doesn't work either because cover our full relationship), anyways in the past he has mentioned polyamory but i could see that he worried about bringing up the topic because he thought I would think it was wrong. I don't and although I wasn't particualry intrested in the topic at the time I felt that i handled him bringing it up well. I didn't automatically assume he was looking for someone else because i wasn't measuring up to what he needed. After our initial conversation he dropped it like he was ashamed or feared i would judge him. Anyways that was several years ago. But in the last week he brought it up again and it peaked my interest more. I told him we could talk about it more, at the time our daughter was awake so it wasn't a suitable time to be discussing it. Since then he hasn't brought it up and I have done some research and read a lot of stories about people who are in a committed relationship of three. My intrest in continuting to grow, but now I'm worried about talking to him about it because I think it would be something to consider but i dont know if he will think i want to talk about it because it would probably be something to make him happy.

Our biggest issue in our relationship is the amount of porn he has been watching and the fact that he joined an online dating site. I was very upset because him hiding it felt as though he was trying to find someone else. I usually don't mind the amount of porn he watches but when he is joining a dating site ill admit it ruffled my feathers a lot. I am not the most sexual person and i go through phases where I want it a lot and then there are times when I don't want it at all. For him he would be happy with a lot more.

He brought up the fact that he is missing out of something in his life. I don't think he realizes I feel the same way yet. As much as we love each other it is like there is something big missing from our relationship. we communicate, trust one another, and respect one another. Our relationship is fairly good even when we have a disagreement we talk it out. Both of us are pretty foreward to letting the other know what we are feeling, but this topic is one that has been hanging over both our heads for years. It's one topic that seems to be one we are afraid of discussing in depth. My fear is a long the lines of him thinking im not happy with him. I have no idea what his real fear is, but I feel this is something we need to actually sit down and talk about laying it all out there.

So do I just bring the conversation up again or wait to see if he does? Each day I struggle with this because I don't like there to be secrets between us or fears.
 

bookbug

New member
"Each day I struggle with this because I don't like there to be secrets between us or fears."

You have kind of answered your own question. Couldn't you bring it up and say you feel like it needs to be discussed, but you are concerned he will think _____, but that is not the case.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
So you guys "had the poly talk?" That's great if you did. Did it go well? I hope so.
 

ramanda429

New member
Yes we did. Actually the past couple days we have gone in depth about it. Both of us has said how we feel though because of some past events he struggled to admit it was something he wanted. I finally got the courage to tell him it is something I really want to look into and try. He was surprised I was so interested which concerned him at first. I guess he didn't realize he was the only one in the relationship who feels they still "need" something. It's not just something we are going to jump into. It's going to take time and a lot more honesty. Thanks for asking!
 

bookbug

New member
Keep reading - and posting. You might start a thread about resources. There are books many have found helpful and informational websites. Unfortunately, I do not have them at my fingertips, or I'd offer them now.
 

ramanda429

New member
Thanks bookbug, I plan to explore the site more. I sorta joined this site without him knowing, to arm my self with knowledge and ask questions. I'm sure I'll have a lot :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
In case it helps, I keep a list of highly-recommended books about poly and open relationships:

  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "The Ethical Slut: a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other adventures," by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
  • "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "Polyamory: the new love without limits," by Deborah Anapol.
  • "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff.
  • "Polyamory: roadmaps for the clueless and hopeful," by Anthony Ravenscroft.
  • "The Monogamy Myth: a personal handbook for recovering from affairs," by Peggy Vaughan.
  • "Open: love, sex, and life in an open marriage," by Jenny Block.
You may find some of those helpful as you ponder and study the possibility of a poly life.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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