Dad has essentially disowned my family

Even if you decide to respond with a boundary of your own, such as "I am not bringing my granddaughter to your house without her mom", maybe there's room for family meeting granparents on neutral ground.
He responded poorly to polyamory, doesn't mean he would behave bad towards the grandchild (calling mom a whore as Galagirl was worried or similar).
Call it weak boundaries if you want to, I'm not exactly a friend of going no contact because of one disagreement, even if major one.
 
Sometimes a post on these forums really grabs my attention, and this is one of those times. As I was reflecting on this situation last night, it occurred to me that one of my partners, Daisy, would likely have a different perspective from my own. So, I asked her to read this thread and share her thoughts with me, and I would like to share them with you.

Here’s what Daisy had to say (I will do my best to keep it verbatim):

"Grandpa has control over his own life, and OP has control over his own life. The relationship must exists between these two pillars. Grandpa only has power over OP's life if OP allows it. And there is no power struggle unless OP engages in one with retributive boundaries.

It’s reasonable to avoid giving grandpa the power to exclude the wife from family visits. By allowing grandpa to spend time together as a family in places other than his home, OP honors his boundary while keeping his family intact. This approach acknowledges grandpa’s boundary and the unity of OP’s family, making it clear that while he can still see everyone, he doesn’t have the power to separate you. Ultimately, this decision will be grandpa’s to make, and if he chooses not to see the family, it’s him walking away from OP, not the other way around."
 
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I have to ask this: if you had a partner currently, in addition to your wife having one, do you think he would take this stance with you? If not, then the issue with your dad may be about more than just poly. There are a lot of people in the world whose true beliefs about women and LGBTQ+ only come out when there is a situation where they cannot circle the square with their true internal belief system.
 
This is one of those examples where I think that every person close to someone needs to be eased up with a "poly talk."

Grandpa thinks it's cheating, because he found out. How? He made a decision with half of the information. Would he think differently if you had the chance to have a proper talk with him before?
It's all in the approach. We can't expect everyone to just understand. My stepdad would probably react the same (though not that extreme) if I didn't teach him anything about polyamory.

He didn't disown you, there's an overlap where you and Daughter are still welcome. Perhaps he needs time for Wife. You can go at a snail's pace and educate him about polyamory and make him more aware if he's open to it.
 
Brazen said:
I have to ask this....if you had a partner currently in addition to your wife do you think he would take this stance with you? If not then the issue with your Dad maybe about more than just poly. There are a lot of people in the world who's true beliefs about women and lgbtq + only come out when there is a situation that they can not circle the square with their true internal belief system
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I bet if OP had his own partner then his father would still find a way in his mind to blame the wife for being okay with it.
 
ref2018 said:
I bet if OP had his own partner then his father would still find a way in his mind to blame the wife for being okay with it.
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Why do you think that?
 
ref2018 said:
Because the wife hasn't even done anything. This is all about vilifying the wife. The OP can do no wrong because it would mean the father was a failure as a parent.
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Dad's original email already generally apologised for mistakes he has made as a parent.

Also, it does indicate that Dad doesn't like that OP agreed to openness/polyamory. OP has "done wrong" by consenting. OP doesn't have the same consequences because OP is not the one dating.

It would be interesting to know if the Dad would take the same stance with the OP if it was the OP dating, but that would purely be a hypothetical right now since OP isn't dating.
 
Evie said:
OP doesn't have the same consequences because OP is not the one dating.
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The message stated that OP and daughter will “always” be welcome in his home. Hinting at an unconditional love/acceptance for son and grandchild.
 
Inaniel said:
The message stated that OP and daughter will “always” be welcome in his home. Hinting at an unconditional love/acceptance for son and grandchild.
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Yes, because they have his precious DNA in them.
 
ref2018 said:
Yes, because they have his precious DNA in them.
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Not a given.

The message stated that OP and daughter will “always” be welcome in his home. Hinting at an unconditional love/acceptance for son and grandchild.
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Dad may update that stance if OP was to also be dating. He is, first and foremost, concerned that this will lead to the breakdown of the OP's marriage, and consequent divorce. He's not wrong to have this concern as it happens not infrequently, as we see here, with people sometimes coming back to the board to tell us that the original couple has split and have pursued their own newer versions of happiness.
 
Evie said:
Dad may update that stance if OP was to also be dating. He is, first and foremost, concerned that this will lead to the breakdown of the OP's marriage, and consequent divorce. He's not wrong to have this concern as it happens not infrequently, as we see here, with people sometimes coming back to the board to tell us that the original couple has split and have pursued their own newer versions of happiness.
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This is why I am skeptical of the suggested "poly talk." Even if the moral judgement were softened, and consent was expressed, if you had an honest poly talk, you can't hide that most poly people will adopt a stance where longevity is not the measure of relationship success (not ideal if you have small kids), that poly can be an emotional roller-coaster (not ideal for one's health and career success), that poly does make your life more complex in general (which can be worked out, but again, the process may take attention from areas where it is needed - such as the kid).

You would also have to dive into sex positivity, not something most parents want to hear about their children. Also, to put exploration above stability will be in direct conflict with their own values.

While all of the above arguments are not necessarily always true, they are undeniably true often enough for the old generation to see poly as NOT WORTH IT, and therefore wrong/inconsiderate to attempt.

LaminarFlow said:
This is one of those examples where I think that every person close to someone needs to be eased up with a "poly talk."
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What would you put into said "poly talk"?
 
Tinwen said:
What would you put into said "poly talk"?
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It really depends on the individual and their mindset. First I wouldn't "poly bomb" them, so you know where they stand, but ask a lot of questions and do it in phases. "What do you think about loving more than one person?" "Do you love all your kids equally?" "Do you love your friends/family equally?" "Why do you think someone is not able to love more than one person?" etc.

My niece (8) learns faster visually, so a drawing of mono-normative couple in the forefront and different poly set-ups on the fringes (background) really helped her to understand how society is structured. I did the same with my kid, but he grew up with poly.

My stepdad has a Catholic background. He is slightly technical and loves animals. So I used examples of the animal kingdom, as that topic was easier to segue into all different forms and styles of poly. It was strange for him at first, but I was really surprised he was understanding, as he is a person from the "old stamp."

I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all "poly talk," but just poly-bombing your nearest and dearest is asking for a lot of backlash. They need a warm-up (or several), and to go through transition. But using examples and certain concepts that relate to the person the most will help a lot. It took him a couple of years to be super comfortable seeing me with my partners, and is still a bit weird about it. But he was glad I prepared him.
 
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LaminarFlow said:
They need a warm-up (or several), and to go through transition
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Speaking for myself, my initial reaction was very negative. It was very for me difficult to break away from the concept of a traditional, monogamous relationships. It was all I had ever known. It took me weeks to come around to a new way of thinking about relationships. It still felt like cheating.
 
I would like to thank everyone for their responses. It's nice to have this community.

Just an update: my dad sent my wife a message saying he doesn't hate her. Unfortunately, he also said that he thinks she is cheating, regardless if I am perfectly fine with it, and has lost respect for her. It looks like we can all still get together at public events.

To answer some questions. Yes, I can see other people and I think I am just about ready to. I have been working on myself a lot before going ahead. No, my dad does not know this because he doesn't want to talk about it or ask any questions. He has chosen just to judge it.

All in all, my wife and I are handling it well. We don't really need parental approval for our relationships. I feel this has only brought the two of us closer.

I do have some concern about how she might be treated. People can have their own opinions and feelings about our situation, but I won't tolerate passive aggressiveness or verbal jabs. I know I don't control what others do, but I will not take my family to a place where we are all not treated with a certain level of respect.

Unfortunately, I feel that there will be some distance between my dad and my household, which includes me personally.
 
Evie said:
Here's my take.

He's got a personal boundary - while your wife has a girlfriend/is practicing polyamory she is not welcome in his home. Boundaries often look like ultimatums.

He has expressed that boundary, and even given your his reasons for having it.

This is healthy for him. You don't have to like or agree with another person's boundaries, and you can take that information and make your own decisions accordingly. Such as having holidays elsewhere.

He hasn't disowned you. He hasn't actually disowned her. He definitely hasn't disowned his grandchild. He's said that while she is open to dating others, he does not consent to her visiting his home. He sounds calm, rational and informed. And it's his home. Your hero is still setting a good example of enforcing firm boundaries. Respect that, even if you don't like it.
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I posted an update above. I forgot to mention that my dad said that he would change his mind if my wife stopped seeing other people. He still does not know that I can too. He doesn't want to talk about it. So there ya go
 
Inaniel said:
Sometimes a post on these forums really grabs my attention, and this is one of those times. As I was reflecting on this situation last night, it occurred to me that one of my partners, Daisy, would likely have a different perspective from my own. So, I asked her to read this thread and share her thoughts with me, and I would like to share them with you.

Here’s what Daisy had to say (I will do my best to keep it verbatim):

"Grandpa has control over his own life, and OP has control over his own life. The relationship must exists between these two pillars. Grandpa only has power over OP's life if OP allows it. And there is no power struggle unless OP engages in one with retributive boundaries.

It’s reasonable to avoid giving grandpa the power to exclude the wife from family visits. By allowing grandpa to spend time together as a family in places other than his home, OP honors his boundary while keeping his family intact. This approach acknowledges grandpa’s boundary and the unity of OP’s family, making it clear that while he can still see everyone, he doesn’t have the power to separate you. Ultimately, this decision will be grandpa’s to make, and if he chooses not to see the family, it’s him walking away from OP, not the other way around."
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Thank you Daisy
 
Evie said:
Dad's original email already generally apologised for mistakes he has made as a parent.

Also, it does indicate that Dad doesn't like that OP agreed to openness/polyamory. OP has "done wrong" by consenting. OP doesn't have the same consequences because OP is not the one dating.

It would be interesting to know if the Dad would take the same stance with the OP if it was the OP dating, but that would purely be a hypothetical right now since OP isn't dating.
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I can have other relationships and I'm about ready to. I chose to take the last year to work on myself, which has been very beneficial. All my dad really knows is that my wife was on a date with a woman. He is refusing to talk with me about any of this, which is why he knows very little.

Hopefully that changes. Right now, in his view, my wife is cheating, regardless of if I have consented to other relationships. I wish people could hear themselves talk, but I don't require parental approval.
 
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