Dating

Helo

New member
This is probably going to seem very elementary to most people but its something I've been having a lot of trouble with.

How do you date as a poly person? More specifically, how do you find poly people TO date?

I had thought when officially "came out" that I wouldn't have any real trouble finding other poly people. I mean, I'm in LA, if there is anywhere in the world I'd expect there to be an abundance of polyamorous people (or even just poly friendly people) it'd be LA.

I'm actually having a very hard time finding other polyamorous or non-monogamous people and especially people around my own age (25). There is a meetup group for the LA area and while they're all very wonderful people, most are a little on the older side.

I've tried to network out from there but I keep hitting a dead end. Is there some secret gathering place I don't know about? I've also been on OkCupid (which has been recommended to me by several other poly people as one of the best places online to find like-minded people) but very little luck there.

Why does it seem to be so difficult to find other poly people?
 

KyleKat

New member
My wife and I were struggling to find people as well. Then we went to some local gatherings and a few BDSM parties. Turns out, they were all hiding there! *shrug*

You should look for groups in your area. I'm sure some of the Californians on this site will have some tips of where to look. I know meetup.com is a good place for some of that stuff.
 

CielDuMatin

New member
Sorry you haven't found folks in your age group at the meetups you have been to...

I recommend two basic things:
1. Be patient. Keep going to the meetings. If everyone just went to one or two meetings then gives up because there is nobody in the right age-range, then there never will be... I have seen things like this happen in our own poly group, but on a regional basis "I signed up but am not going back cos there aren't enough other people from my area.". Well, if everyone thought that way nothing is going to change.

2. Is there are reason you are restricting this to folks around your own age? I have always tended to find that physical age is deceptive - mental age is important when it comes to good relationships - and I don't just mean maturity, I mean ability to have fun.

So both ways, I would recommend sticking with your local group. At the worst you will make some new friends. And then, maybe, one month, someone will walk through the door that wows you...
 

Wolfwood

New member
I recommend traditional dating methods: meet lots of people (via online, nightlife, social circle, etc), flirt with them, inform them that you are poly and not remotely interested in a mono-relationship, and then keep the ones that stick around. It really doesn't need to be more complicated then that.

Dating is a numbers game. If you increase the number of people you talk to (flirt with), then you'll increase the chance of finding a good match.

Cheers,
-Wolf
 

Helo

New member
2. Is there are reason you are restricting this to folks around your own age? I have always tended to find that physical age is deceptive - mental age is important when it comes to good relationships - and I don't just mean maturity, I mean ability to have fun.
I'm not really restricting things that much. My low end is 20 and my high end is 35 so that's a pretty broad spectrum and I'm always willing to break that (within the law on the lower end) if I find someone exceptional. Much higher than 35 and we start to run into the problem of nothing in common and generational points of view that dont match very well.

I recommend traditional dating methods: meet lots of people (via online, nightlife, social circle, etc), flirt with them, inform them that you are poly and not remotely interested in a mono-relationship, and then keep the ones that stick around. It really doesn't need to be more complicated then that.

Dating is a numbers game. If you increase the number of people you talk to (flirt with), then you'll increase the chance of finding a good match.

Cheers,
-Wolf
That's sort of what I'm doing already, sans nightlife (I strongly dislike bars/clubs, really not my scene). I've been doing that for about eight months and the results have been rather meh. As soon as a woman hears "non-monogamous," they tend to bolt.
 

codydarkstalker

New member
I've honestly never looked for poly people. i hit on people I find attractive and am upfront about my relationship status. I also used a dating site to meet my secondary. Searching for poly people never occurred to me.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
What Cody said-I don't look for "poly people". I look for people who I click with-and I remain upfront and honest about my relationship status.
I've found my husband has more luck on OKC -we both made profiles-and referenced each other in them (I don't use mine). So, when women see he's in a poly dynamic-they also have access to my profile and can read my two cents and know he's not full of shit.
Also-it tends to help that they can contact me if they have questions.
The first two years-it was all women who wanted a quick lay who contacted him. But, the last year there have been a few more serious ones.

Additionally, it helps that we socialize together. We've met potentials together and they are much more comfortable (assuming they are new to open dynamics) when they see that I'm comfortable with him dating.

;)

(I found a lot of hiding polys in the LGBT community locally)
 

Wolfwood

New member
Additionally, it helps that we socialize together. We've met potentials together and they are much more comfortable (assuming they are new to open dynamics) when they see that I'm comfortable with him dating.

I also have much, much better experiences when my girlfriend is with me and involved in the flirting/socializing. The whole process is so much easier when you meet potentials as a couple.

-Wolf
 

nycindie

Active member
I never use the words polyamorous or non-monogamous when I first meet people, and I definitely do not limit myself to only the poly community. I flirt and talk with guys wherever I meet them, and if we hit it off or go out on a date, I talk about exclusivity or non-exclusivity. People understand it much better.
 

Helo

New member
I've honestly never looked for poly people. i hit on people I find attractive and am upfront about my relationship status. I also used a dating site to meet my secondary. Searching for poly people never occurred to me.
I've been doing that for a while but I've been running into the problem is poly being basically a dealkiller with people. Its happened frequently; I meet someone who is amazing in every respect...and then the conversation gets to the "poly" part and she basically says "not for me, ever."

This has been happening quite a bit and its getting a little discouraging, not gonna lie.
 

CielDuMatin

New member
I've been doing that for a while but I've been running into the problem is poly being basically a dealkiller with people. Its happened frequently; I meet someone who is amazing in every respect...and then the conversation gets to the "poly" part and she basically says "not for me, ever."
If you have decided that poly is a non-negotiable "bottom line" for you, and the other person says "no poly, no way", then in some ways you are saving time by not putting energy into dating someone that is going to be ending it as soon as they find out.

It is very disappointing the number of people for whom poly has that sort of picture, but it is what it is.
 

Helo

New member
If you have decided that poly is a non-negotiable "bottom line" for you, and the other person says "no poly, no way", then in some ways you are saving time by not putting energy into dating someone that is going to be ending it as soon as they find out.

It is very disappointing the number of people for whom poly has that sort of picture, but it is what it is.
I realize that a polyamorous relationship is what I need to make me happy. I was in a monogamous relationship for a combined ten years before coming to this realization and I've never encountered anything that felt so comfortable.

My last relationship was five years, we almost got married, and I figured out monogamy just doesn't work for me.
 

nycindie

Active member
Are you partnered or solo? It should be easier of you are solo.

I wonder if you are building up some apprehension in your mind about "dropping the poly bomb" on people, making it some big deal that you are going to reveal to them like a deep dark secret instead of just another aspect of yourself that you talk about when getting to know someone. People will pick up on that kind of nervousness.

It doesn't have to be such a heavy topic. Be casual and matter-of-fact about it. You're dating, not looking for exclusivity, and hope to see this person again, blablabla.
 

Helo

New member
Are you partnered or solo? It should be easier of you are solo.
Solo.

I wonder if you are building up some apprehension in your mind about "dropping the poly bomb" on people, making it some big deal that you are going to reveal to them like a deep dark secret instead of just another aspect of yourself that you talk about when getting to know someone. People will pick up on that kind of nervousness.

It doesn't have to be such a heavy topic. Be casual and matter-of-fact about it. You're dating, not looking for exclusivity, and hope to see this person again, blablabla.
True, and I used to have a problem with this but I think I've worked on it and its no longer an issue (I think so, anyways). I try to be upfront with people just so its not a huge surprise after several hours of conversation. Its paragraph #2 on my OkCupid so its plain to see.
 

becsjunk999

New member
f/f couple struggling

ok so you would think we would have a not so hard time finding a male to talk with us about joining our f/f relationship. I think we have come close to finding all the creeps in our area on okc. What are we doing wrong? We are good looking, established, employed and enjoy a variety of interests. Any man interested in talking with us? Looking for an established person near us (northern CA) who is family friendly (we have a son) between the ages of 27 and 40. If this is off-putting to you non-creepy people out there please let us know why, I would love to know. Thanks
 

Wolfwood

New member
ok so you would think we would have a not so hard time finding a male to talk with us about joining our f/f relationship. I think we have come close to finding all the creeps in our area on okc. What are we doing wrong? We are good looking, established, employed and enjoy a variety of interests. Any man interested in talking with us? Looking for an established person near us (northern CA) who is family friendly (we have a son) between the ages of 27 and 40. If this is off-putting to you non-creepy people out there please let us know why, I would love to know. Thanks

I'm assuming that you both are attempting to meet somebody online? My guess is that most guys will think this is too good to be true and, therefore, this must be some kind of scam. Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf
 

ManofDiscovery

New member
I'm assuming that you both are attempting to meet somebody online? My guess is that most guys will think this is too good to be true and, therefore, this must be some kind of scam. Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf

Yeah, I think you're onto something there, Wolf.

I imagine most of the guys you'll get messages from are thinking 'omg how hot would it be to get in with a FF couple!!!' and you get the super horny filthbag emails.

The decent genuine guys who want to give something rather than just take - it's quite likely that they think 'oh these girl will have so many dudes messaging them that I'll never stand out from the crowd'.

It might help to put something that addresses this issue in your profile, something like 'if you're a nice, genuine, open minded guy who has a lot to give - don't think that you don't have a chance with us because we get tons of emails. Most of the emails we get are a total waste of time and we are actually really keen to find a guy who is 'just right' for us. That guy could be you'.

It might just be the encouragement the right kind of guys need.
 

SrAh

New member
I recommend traditional dating methods: meet lots of people (via online, nightlife, social circle, etc), flirt with them, inform them that you are poly and not remotely interested in a mono-relationship, and then keep the ones that stick around. It really doesn't need to be more complicated then that.

Dating is a numbers game. If you increase the number of people you talk to (flirt with), then you'll increase the chance of finding a good match.

Cheers,
-Wolf

I love this answer! Keep the ones that stick around!
 
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