BelleRose
New member
Many months ago I made a friend who is part of the poly community. This opened up a whole world of possibilities for me because I'd only heard about it in the abstract - here were examples of people really making it work!
He himself was in an open relationship, and after several months we developed feelings. With the consent of his partner, we began dating. We fell in love. With the consent of his partner, we recently made our relationship official. I should also mention, for clarity, that I am not and have no interest in dating her, and she has no interest in dating me.
The thing is, and this wasn't apparent to me until things were already well underway - she's a monogamous person.
She often behaves in the following way: Agrees to something, lets it happen for a period of time (or sometimes doesn't expect it to happen because her agreement was only meant to inspire guilt and create the opposite result,) then does passive aggressive things to undermine the agreement and when called out, flies into a rage or hysterics insisting that something has been done to her; a boundary has been crossed against her will, the only way to make things right now is to go back to how things were before, or to set limits or new rules which she expects to create unilaterally.
The more serious my partner and I get, the more vicious her attempts to undermine our relationship. I have found her to be incredibly manipulative. Contacting me on her own terms, then insisting that I never contact her again once she has exhausted herself by hurling her emotions at me. Sending me gifts and cards for my birthday via my lover, thereby undermining our agreement not to make contact for the sake of her boundaries, even though this violates my boundaries. Setting rigid and unreasonable curfews and sexual limits retroactively to attempt to regress the relationship.
I am realizing, and so is my partner, that she never accepted polyamory but intended to make my partner monogamous, if not through upfront agreement then through rules and veto power. She insists it comes from a place of fear and insecurity but some of the things she's said and done have been too manipulative and deliberately hurtful to be excused.
I don't know what to do, or that it's my place to do anything. At this point if I'd known about the truth of their relationship I would have waited for them to find common ground, or admit that they don't share common relationship goals and split, before getting involved.
Alas, here we are. He loves me and he loves her and is just as confused about how to proceed as I am.
I also should mention that they were not a monogamous pair that opened up. He was poly before they met and was clear that if he met someone he was interested in, the current situation was a possibility. It seems she just hoped it wouldn't happen.
Additionally, I am not okay with being someone's secondary in a hierarchal poly relationship. My lover, now partner, knows this, and has told me he doesn't want that either. That he doesn't consider his first relationship primary and ours secondary. His girlfriend, however, would obviously prefer that her relationship with him take precedence over mine, and when being upfront about that hasn't worked has now resorted to other means to get what she wants.
In addition to feeling regularly hurt by all this I am also getting to the point where my patience is wearing thin because from my perspective, I see a person who knowingly committed herself to a relationship that is not consistent with her beliefs, which she always states vehemently to defend her rigid rules and expectations, and expects it to be everyone else's problem. It's like going to a vegan restaurant and getting self righteous about steak being specially brought in for you.
At this point I am just looking for support to help me through this. I don't feel comfortable voicing every thought and opinion to my partner because I'm clearly biased and I don't want to affect their path. I just want things to get to an honest place and get resolved, whatever that looks like. At the same time I honestly feel that they are incompatible because they have different relationship goals, and that this is never going to end unless someone walks away here, including me.
And as much as I love him, I'm not okay with putting up with abuse.
In an effort to protect her relationship, she is stepping all over my boundaries and what's worse is she doesn't care because to her, I don't matter. Her's is the only relationship that does.
Help.
He himself was in an open relationship, and after several months we developed feelings. With the consent of his partner, we began dating. We fell in love. With the consent of his partner, we recently made our relationship official. I should also mention, for clarity, that I am not and have no interest in dating her, and she has no interest in dating me.
The thing is, and this wasn't apparent to me until things were already well underway - she's a monogamous person.
She often behaves in the following way: Agrees to something, lets it happen for a period of time (or sometimes doesn't expect it to happen because her agreement was only meant to inspire guilt and create the opposite result,) then does passive aggressive things to undermine the agreement and when called out, flies into a rage or hysterics insisting that something has been done to her; a boundary has been crossed against her will, the only way to make things right now is to go back to how things were before, or to set limits or new rules which she expects to create unilaterally.
The more serious my partner and I get, the more vicious her attempts to undermine our relationship. I have found her to be incredibly manipulative. Contacting me on her own terms, then insisting that I never contact her again once she has exhausted herself by hurling her emotions at me. Sending me gifts and cards for my birthday via my lover, thereby undermining our agreement not to make contact for the sake of her boundaries, even though this violates my boundaries. Setting rigid and unreasonable curfews and sexual limits retroactively to attempt to regress the relationship.
I am realizing, and so is my partner, that she never accepted polyamory but intended to make my partner monogamous, if not through upfront agreement then through rules and veto power. She insists it comes from a place of fear and insecurity but some of the things she's said and done have been too manipulative and deliberately hurtful to be excused.
I don't know what to do, or that it's my place to do anything. At this point if I'd known about the truth of their relationship I would have waited for them to find common ground, or admit that they don't share common relationship goals and split, before getting involved.
Alas, here we are. He loves me and he loves her and is just as confused about how to proceed as I am.
I also should mention that they were not a monogamous pair that opened up. He was poly before they met and was clear that if he met someone he was interested in, the current situation was a possibility. It seems she just hoped it wouldn't happen.
Additionally, I am not okay with being someone's secondary in a hierarchal poly relationship. My lover, now partner, knows this, and has told me he doesn't want that either. That he doesn't consider his first relationship primary and ours secondary. His girlfriend, however, would obviously prefer that her relationship with him take precedence over mine, and when being upfront about that hasn't worked has now resorted to other means to get what she wants.
In addition to feeling regularly hurt by all this I am also getting to the point where my patience is wearing thin because from my perspective, I see a person who knowingly committed herself to a relationship that is not consistent with her beliefs, which she always states vehemently to defend her rigid rules and expectations, and expects it to be everyone else's problem. It's like going to a vegan restaurant and getting self righteous about steak being specially brought in for you.
At this point I am just looking for support to help me through this. I don't feel comfortable voicing every thought and opinion to my partner because I'm clearly biased and I don't want to affect their path. I just want things to get to an honest place and get resolved, whatever that looks like. At the same time I honestly feel that they are incompatible because they have different relationship goals, and that this is never going to end unless someone walks away here, including me.
And as much as I love him, I'm not okay with putting up with abuse.
In an effort to protect her relationship, she is stepping all over my boundaries and what's worse is she doesn't care because to her, I don't matter. Her's is the only relationship that does.
Help.