Dealing with anxiety when your SO is dating

PinkPig

Well-known member
I'm newer to the poly thing. My current bf, Blue, is my first poly relationship. We've been together a year. During that time, he's dated 3 people. He was already involved with the first two when we started dating. I had no anxiety over those relationships... I think because they were already involved in his life before me and he was choosing to be add me? Both of those relationships ended for various reasons (one girl was mentally instable and the other was a LDR that just naturally faded.) When he first started dating the 3rd girl, I had a lot of anxiety/fear, and jealousy (not of her but of the fact that they were able to spend more time together because my life is much busier than either of theirs.) He introduced us about a month or so into their relationship and we became friends/ended up in closed triad. The anxiety dissipated once I knew her/became friends with her. That triad ended when she moved away.

Fast forward to now. Blue's been on a couple dates the last month and I find the old anxiety/fear resurfacing. I am confident of my place in his life. I have no doubt he's not trying to replace me and our relationship is as strong and healthy as ever. We communicate well, so it's not that... I don't know if it's the years of monogamy hard-wired in me? Or, maybe it's because he's actively using his old OKC account? He's shown me his profile and he does mention being in a committed relationship, so it's not like he's not being totally up front.

So, my question is, how do you alleviate the anxiety and fear when your partner begins dating again? Does it get easier the longer you're together? Or, is this an indication that I"m not cut out for poly?
 

Inyourendo

New member
I just stay busy. It helps me that when nate goes out it's usually when im gone anyway. it seemed to only bother me when he'd go out while I was at home. He use to go to booty calls at night and id just have to force myself to sleep. I also discovered that my birth control was making me psycho so getting off that has helped exponentially. When he moved from booty calls to dates I needed to state boundaries and feeling like he'd honor those few things made me more comfortable
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
Thanks, inyourendo. Now that you mention it, that may be part of the problem. We haven't made the official transition into living together but he spends almost every night at my house. On his 'date' nights, he usually spends the night at his house. We still see each other before the date, and he almost always calls me after, but I sleep alone. Perhaps that's increasing my anxiety?
 

Inyourendo

New member
it took a really long time for me to get ok with him sleeping elsewhere, it's kind of one of those things I just had to get use to.
 

nycindie

Active member
Perhaps you would benefit from cultivating more independence for yourself. You're spending nearly every day together even though the two of you are not living together, and he checks in with you before and after any dates he has with other people - that sounds like a lot of focus on him and your relationship with him. What about friends, family, activities you enjoy, and any groups (for school, work, interests, etc.) you might belong to? It's important to have a full life that isn't dependent upon one other person for our fulfillment and sense of security. Otherwise we just become needy and clingy.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi PinkPig,

In addition to the good feedback/advice already given so far, I noticed you said some of the anxiety with "the 3rd girl" eased off once you had a chance to meet her (and be friends with her). I know that may or may not be possible with the people Blue's dating now (as it sounds like he hasn't dated anyone for long yet), but if you do get a chance to meet up with someone he's dating, take up on that chance. It might help, just as it helped in that past situation.

Anxiety is something we often have to face in poly situations. Sometimes it eases off after awhile. Sometimes we get our thoughts worked out to where it doesn't bother us so much. And let's not forget the value of conversing with the good folks on this forum! That alone may lead to ideas and just the sense of support you need to help you overcome those anxieties.

My best wishes go with you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
I was very anxious about how I would handle it when Dude started "dating" (about 2 years into our relationship).

He was actually, surprisingly, great! He shared appropriately. We figured out what I needed (then) to feel reassured. He actually only went out with two people before he found Lotus. She is awesome - we all started crushing on her right away.

You can read about this time period for me in my Notebook blog - First Date starts at post #36.
 

zigzag

New member
I suffer from GAD generalised anxiety disorder which means I can become anxious sometimes severely for no apparent reason. Its a chronic condition that I have to live with. I have learned a whole host of coping techniques which include relaxation techniques, thought redirection techniques and exercise.

So when Angel dates Wolf sometimes I get anxious about this rather than being generally anxious that day. So then I use the same techniques. For example I felt a bit anxious when Angel went out on a lunch date yesterday with Wolf. So I energetically did some houshold chores, put up some shelves, made a stew and stamped around in the garden tidying it up. Then she was back. Sometimes I do breathing exercises or go for a swim while she is out. The worst thing you can do is sit there worrying. I sometimes do somthing that will take my mind of being worried about what Angel and Wolf are doing by deliberately doing somthing loving for Angel which is a win-win situation. I don't focus on being worried and when Angel comes home there is somthing nice for her.
 
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