I'm sure there are tons of threads about this topic, but my forum-search-fu is weak.
As I've posted in my blog and elsewhere on this forum, my 19-year-old daughter has been told that Hubby and I are able to see other people if we choose, and she has been told that I'm polyamorous. She knows that S2 and I are in a relationship (and also knew about Guy, my ex-boyfriend).
My 16-year-old daughter has *not* been told anything, but I strongly believe that the time is coming when she will need to be told. When I was in a relationship with Guy, it didn't matter as much, because that was a long-distance thing. But she overheard me on the phone with him sometimes, no matter how hard I tried to prevent it, and apparently asked her older sister who Guy was to me.
Both daughters live with me. 16-year-old in theory goes to her father's house every other weekend, though in reality that's often changed or jumbled because of her school activities.
S2 lives near me. He and I see each other 2-3 times a week, at least one of those on a weeknight, meaning 16-year-old is home.
According to 19-year-old, the 16-year-old has begun asking why I spend so much time with S2. She's met him and seems to like him; at least, she asked me if she could go hiking with him and me next spring, which I doubt she would have done if she disliked him.
Because she's asking questions, and because I will be with S2 sometimes when she's home, I think I need to tell her something other than "He's a friend who's helping me with some book-related stuff." That much is true, but not all the truth, and she looks pretty skeptical when I give that excuse. If she already has suspicions, not giving her an honest explanation will result in her jumping to the worst-case conclusions. (I know this from other situations we've been through.)
But there are some complications:
1. 16-year-old has Asperger's Syndrome. She is very concrete and literal. Although she's also very open-minded and fully accepts friends and relatives who are, for example, gender fluid, bisexual or homosexual, or asexual in one case, I'm not sure whether that open-mindedness would carry over to learning that I'm in a relationship with another man besides Hubby.
2. My kids saw a very messy divorce between their father and me, and he's told them more than once that I cheated on him when we were married. (I didn't. I had a platonic male friend who I hung out with--often with the kids present--and my ex didn't want me to have any friends of any gender, so he convinced himself I was cheating even though he was also convinced my friend was gay.)
3. My kids' father is very CLOSED-minded. If he were to learn about my relationship with S2, he could conceivably take it as an excuse to start yet another custody case against me. I would have to ask 16-year-old not to tell him, but she's very close to him and she automatically gets suspicious when she's asked to keep information from him.
So... I'm seeking advice and opinions about whether 16-year-old should be told the truth about my relationship with S2; if so, how to approach the discussion; and how to ask her not to tell her dad without making it sound like I want her to be dishonest with him.
As I've posted in my blog and elsewhere on this forum, my 19-year-old daughter has been told that Hubby and I are able to see other people if we choose, and she has been told that I'm polyamorous. She knows that S2 and I are in a relationship (and also knew about Guy, my ex-boyfriend).
My 16-year-old daughter has *not* been told anything, but I strongly believe that the time is coming when she will need to be told. When I was in a relationship with Guy, it didn't matter as much, because that was a long-distance thing. But she overheard me on the phone with him sometimes, no matter how hard I tried to prevent it, and apparently asked her older sister who Guy was to me.
Both daughters live with me. 16-year-old in theory goes to her father's house every other weekend, though in reality that's often changed or jumbled because of her school activities.
S2 lives near me. He and I see each other 2-3 times a week, at least one of those on a weeknight, meaning 16-year-old is home.
According to 19-year-old, the 16-year-old has begun asking why I spend so much time with S2. She's met him and seems to like him; at least, she asked me if she could go hiking with him and me next spring, which I doubt she would have done if she disliked him.
Because she's asking questions, and because I will be with S2 sometimes when she's home, I think I need to tell her something other than "He's a friend who's helping me with some book-related stuff." That much is true, but not all the truth, and she looks pretty skeptical when I give that excuse. If she already has suspicions, not giving her an honest explanation will result in her jumping to the worst-case conclusions. (I know this from other situations we've been through.)
But there are some complications:
1. 16-year-old has Asperger's Syndrome. She is very concrete and literal. Although she's also very open-minded and fully accepts friends and relatives who are, for example, gender fluid, bisexual or homosexual, or asexual in one case, I'm not sure whether that open-mindedness would carry over to learning that I'm in a relationship with another man besides Hubby.
2. My kids saw a very messy divorce between their father and me, and he's told them more than once that I cheated on him when we were married. (I didn't. I had a platonic male friend who I hung out with--often with the kids present--and my ex didn't want me to have any friends of any gender, so he convinced himself I was cheating even though he was also convinced my friend was gay.)
3. My kids' father is very CLOSED-minded. If he were to learn about my relationship with S2, he could conceivably take it as an excuse to start yet another custody case against me. I would have to ask 16-year-old not to tell him, but she's very close to him and she automatically gets suspicious when she's asked to keep information from him.
So... I'm seeking advice and opinions about whether 16-year-old should be told the truth about my relationship with S2; if so, how to approach the discussion; and how to ask her not to tell her dad without making it sound like I want her to be dishonest with him.