Debating Telling My Kid...

KC43

New member
I'm sure there are tons of threads about this topic, but my forum-search-fu is weak.

As I've posted in my blog and elsewhere on this forum, my 19-year-old daughter has been told that Hubby and I are able to see other people if we choose, and she has been told that I'm polyamorous. She knows that S2 and I are in a relationship (and also knew about Guy, my ex-boyfriend).

My 16-year-old daughter has *not* been told anything, but I strongly believe that the time is coming when she will need to be told. When I was in a relationship with Guy, it didn't matter as much, because that was a long-distance thing. But she overheard me on the phone with him sometimes, no matter how hard I tried to prevent it, and apparently asked her older sister who Guy was to me.

Both daughters live with me. 16-year-old in theory goes to her father's house every other weekend, though in reality that's often changed or jumbled because of her school activities.

S2 lives near me. He and I see each other 2-3 times a week, at least one of those on a weeknight, meaning 16-year-old is home.

According to 19-year-old, the 16-year-old has begun asking why I spend so much time with S2. She's met him and seems to like him; at least, she asked me if she could go hiking with him and me next spring, which I doubt she would have done if she disliked him.

Because she's asking questions, and because I will be with S2 sometimes when she's home, I think I need to tell her something other than "He's a friend who's helping me with some book-related stuff." That much is true, but not all the truth, and she looks pretty skeptical when I give that excuse. If she already has suspicions, not giving her an honest explanation will result in her jumping to the worst-case conclusions. (I know this from other situations we've been through.)

But there are some complications:
1. 16-year-old has Asperger's Syndrome. She is very concrete and literal. Although she's also very open-minded and fully accepts friends and relatives who are, for example, gender fluid, bisexual or homosexual, or asexual in one case, I'm not sure whether that open-mindedness would carry over to learning that I'm in a relationship with another man besides Hubby.

2. My kids saw a very messy divorce between their father and me, and he's told them more than once that I cheated on him when we were married. (I didn't. I had a platonic male friend who I hung out with--often with the kids present--and my ex didn't want me to have any friends of any gender, so he convinced himself I was cheating even though he was also convinced my friend was gay.)

3. My kids' father is very CLOSED-minded. If he were to learn about my relationship with S2, he could conceivably take it as an excuse to start yet another custody case against me. I would have to ask 16-year-old not to tell him, but she's very close to him and she automatically gets suspicious when she's asked to keep information from him.

So... I'm seeking advice and opinions about whether 16-year-old should be told the truth about my relationship with S2; if so, how to approach the discussion; and how to ask her not to tell her dad without making it sound like I want her to be dishonest with him.
 
My older two children were told before my youngest - they are 25, 23 & 16.

My youngest started questioning why I was gone a lot and my husband and I started worrying that she would think I was cheating. Thankfully, she was already in therapy, for unrelated issues, so we had an "expert" to help guide us. Her therapist told us to absolutely tell her - she would be devastated to eventually find out that we told her siblings but didn't find her trustworthy enough.

She actually cried when we told her, but seemed to bounce back overnight and has been super fine since. (She has known for a year now.) She is actually in the process of ending therapy, and I had been nervous about this information would cause issues and extend her therapy time. It hasn't though. She is happy that I am happy. Now that we are completely out in every facet of our lives, she has really taken it in stride. Her friends all know, and she hasn't had any problems in explaining it when kids ask her. I've overheard her - she's very matter-of-fact about that her mom has two husbands. Her friends ask, "How do you feel about it?" and her response is, "Eh, it's no big deal." Her nonchalant acceptance has made it a non-issue.

My oldest also has Asperger's Syndrome, so I TOTALLY understand your hesitancy. I was terrified he would freak out - he too, has no issues in accepting alternative lifestyles in others, but the way his mind works, I was not confident it would translate to my own situation. However, he was completely laid back. He told me that I had always been weird, and this was just one more weirdness. lol

My ex-husband is a jerkface, but he's not my 16-year-old's father, so I didn't have to worry about custody. My advice in your situation is to weigh your options very carefully. I'm sure you are doing that already, though.
 
Thanks, Bluebird. It's good to know that your son with Asperger's was able to accept your situation. If you don't mind my asking, how old was he when you told him?

I'm definitely thinking carefully about this, and although I try not to involve my 19-year-old overly much with her sister, I'm probably going to talk to her about whether or how to approach this. 16-year-old considers 19-year-old her primary confidant, and a lot of times 19-year-old has better insight into how her sister will handle things than I do. 16-year-old hasn't asked *me* any questions other than "Why are you going to S2's again?" but she's apparently asked 19-year-old more than that.

The potential custody issues with her dad are my biggest concern. He's said all along that he doesn't care what happens between Hubby and me as long as it doesn't affect the kids, but I'm sure that if he found out about this, he would see it as something affecting them, if for no other reason than it meaning I'm not home one or two nights a week when 16-year-old is here.
 
Everyone was told last year, so my Aspie was 24 then. :)

I would be very concerned about putting so much on your 19 year old. If your 16 year old is confiding in her, asking her questions - it could become difficult for the older to know what to say. You have control right now about how your story is shared. That could easily be changed. Once stuff is out, it's out. I would definitely let your Aspie know what is going on. The more normal you make it seem, the better. Let her know that it's been happening for a while, and that it hasn't been negative, so you don't think it will be a negative in the future. I would repeat that so it sticks. Repetition has always been my friend, when it comes to my son, anyway!
 
Thanks. I'm concerned about asking the 19-year-old for some tips on talking to her sister, but I'm also concerned about the fact that her sister is going to her with questions, which is, as you point out, putting her on the spot.

Asking 19-year-old for tips would be more a matter of brainstorming; she understands 16-year-old better than I do sometimes. So what I'm thinking is "Okay, if I said this to her, do you think it would make sense? Or should I phrase it that way instead?" She would also be able to help me figure out how to explain to her sister why it wouldn't be a good idea for their dad to know about this.

I would also want 19-year-old to be present for the discussion, since she's known about all of this for nearly a year now so would be able to back up my reassurances, and that way if 16-year-old goes to her with questions afterward, at least 19-year-old will know what I've said. I'd like Hubby to be present as well, but between his work schedule and the fact that 16-year-old doesn't always get along with him, I'm not sure that would be possible or beneficial...
 
When my daughter was told, the therapist recommended that my husband and I both be present, to give a united front. Also, then there would be no confusion that it was something her dad was embarrassed about, or I was lying. Not that she would jump to those conclusions anyway, but the advice made sense, so we planned it. None of my kids were there together, but there wasn't a reason why. We did tell her that the older children knew before her, but that wasn't because we trusted her less, but that we wanted to make sure that we had discussed it with her therapist first.

My son, I told in the car on a drive home. I told him I was going to tell him something that might shock him. I explained that I had a boyfriend, that my husband knew and liked him, and that we were all very happy. My older daughter I told over the phone, since she lives out of state, and she was all like "OMG! No way mom! You are always so surprising!" Then she told me she was amazed how I am never afraid to live my truth. After she met PunkRockAwesomesauce and saw how my household now runs, she said she is happy that I am so happy.

I think that is the main thing. The idea is scary, but when others - even your kids - see how well things work out, and how happy those involved are, what is there exactly to be upset about?
 
Yeah, my 19-year-old's reaction, after I assured her that Hubby and I weren't in any danger of splitting up, was that the idea was "cool," and she's told me more than once that she's glad I have men in my life who love me. So telling her was definitely the right move.

Hubby wasn't present when I told 19-year-old either...
 
I sat down last night with Hubby and 19-year-old to discuss this issue.

19-year-old says her sister has asked her questions like "Why does Mom spend so much time with S2?" and "Does our stepdad know Mom's spending so much time with S2."

She said her answers have been pretty much, "Mom and S2 are friends and like hanging out together, and yes, stepdad knows and he's happy that Mom has someone else who makes her happy."

Which is essentially what we would have said anyway.

19-year-old also said that based on things 16-year-old has said in the past, she thinks 16-year-old would be upset if she knew the truth about S2 and my relationship, and pointed out that usually, if 16-year-old wants to know something, she'll specifically ask. (For example, if she was ready to hear that S2 and I are in a relationship, she would ask something like, "Is S2 Mom's boyfriend.") 19-year-old definitely has a point; 16-year-old never hesitates to ask for information she wants, but when she's made up her mind that she *doesn't* want to know something, she shuts down or gets angry if someone tries to tell her.

I'm still fairly sure she suspects the truth, but 19-year-old, Hubby, and I agreed that for now, unless or until 16-year-old specifically asks whether there's more to my relationship with S2 than friendship, we're probably better off just answering her questions and not giving her any further info. Hubby and I also agreed to sometimes make an effort to talk about S2 in front of 16-year-old to show her that Hubby does know I'm spending time with S2 and is not only okay with but happy about it. (We've talked about him in front of her anyway, but we're planning to try to do so more; seeing us smiling and calm when talking about S2 will reassure her more than hearing me say "Your stepdad's okay with this" would.)
 
Hi KC43,

Just throwing this out there, do you think it might help to say to your 16-year-old something like, "I just want you to know that you can always come to me with any questions you have about anything. For example I know I've been seeing S2 quite a bit, so just let me know if there's anything you want to know about that, okay?" Sounds a little wordy, but that's a rough draft. The idea would be to kind of hint to her that you're ready to answer if and whenever she's ready to ask. If that would just get on her nerves, obviously don't do it, but as I said I thought I'd throw that out there just in case.

As for your ex (your 16-year-old's father), I think (that once she knew about your true relationship with S2) you'd need to tell your 16-year-old that lots of people don't understand or accept polyamory, and that if her father found out about it, he might be able to use the information to take her away from you. Tell her you wouldn't want that to happen and that's why you have to ask her to not tell her father about it. That's about the best way I can think of to explain it to her.

Sounds like you guys are all handling things pretty well so far, and I'm sure you'll know (if and) when the time's right to tell your 16-year-old.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Kevin, I tell both of my kids frequently that they can come to me with any questions about anything. The 16-year-old prefers to go to her older sister instead of me.

Bringing up S2 specifically the way you've put out there would only give her more reason to think there's something to be worried about. My 19-year-old has been told that if 16-year-old keeps asking questions or asks more specific questions, she should tell 16-year-old to come to me.

You have a good suggestion about how to handle asking her not to tell her father. She has some experience in "Dad's prejudiced and wouldn't understand this" because she's been keeping her sister's secrets about sexuality and gender identity for several years now for the same reason. She has more reason to want to protect her sister than me, though.

As I said here and in another thread, for the time being we've decided it's best to maintain the status quo with 16-year-old. Knowing that, as 19-year-old put it, "S2 is Mom's friend; she likes spending time with him and he makes her happy" is close enough to the truth for now.
 
That sounds good to me. :)
 
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