Debating whether to identify as exclusively poly

Socrates

New member
I've mostly identified as poly for about the last six years. I'm currently single. I'm trying to figure out the extent to which I should continue identifying as exclusively poly or if I should also be open to mono relationship possibilities. I feel that in an ideal world I would be poly, but I also feel like I could be happy in a monogamous relationship, and I feel that identifying as poly limits my dating pool. Although I do live in a very big city with a decent number of poly people, there are still way more mono people.

I'm not someone who has always known I was poly or feels like it's the only way I could be happy. However, I've never really felt much jealousy when one of my partners was dating somebody else, which maybe does mark me as poly.

When I first learned about polyamory (a platonic friend in college told me that she had two boyfriends and explained a bit about her situation), my thought was basically, that sounds kind of cool, but it's not for me. Partly this is because my parents have a very strong mono relationship, where they met in high school and are still in love and happily married more than 40 years later, and I wanted a relationship like that for myself. But a few years later, I reconsidered my beliefs and decided to become poly. I read some non-monogamy books (Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn), talked to some poly people, and decided that poly just made more logical sense as a way of living. It felt like a major shift in my world-view, for the better.

Since then, I've had a few open relationships, a few short-lived hookups, and one monogamous relationship. Polyamory has not worked out as well as I've hoped, but neither has monogamy. On the one hand, I haven't been able to find deep loving relationships polyamorously yet. It's been more along the lines of friends with benefits or lovers, but not so much potential life partners. I haven't really quite done what I'd call living a poly lifestyle. I once casually dated two women at once, and I once dated a woman who was dating another man, but I've never had multiple partners, one or more of whom have also had multiple partners. I had one woman break up with me because she had offered to give poly a try because liked me a lot, but later decided she couldn't handle being poly.

On the other hand, I haven't had so much success with monogamy. The people I've dated monogamously, it's turned out that we just weren't compatible for that kind of relationship in the long term -- we had personality incompatibilities that made it impossible for us to be each others' one and only love. My monogamous relationships, while they lasted, have been far more intense and satisfying than my open relationships, but they ended very painfully and left me hurting badly for many months afterwards. (though I did become friendly again with one ex after the breakup) In contrast, polyamorous breakups that I've experienced have been comparatively amicable, and I've always remained on friendly terms with the person after the sexual component of the relationship has ended.

I feel like I could potentially be Satisfied either polyamorously or monogamously, in the right circumstances. If I could really find somebody who was a near-perfect match for me (shared interests, shared values and beliefs, extemely strong sexual connection, extremely strong intellectual connection), then I could be satisfied being monogamous. If I could find a few different people to date and develop a deep emotional connection with at least one of them, I could be satisfied polyamorously (partnered poly or nonhierarchical poly), even if all of the people I was dating had characteristics that would be deal-breakers for a monogamous partner. I could maybe also be happy in a solo polyamory orientation, although I think I would eventually want to develop a closer connection with somebody.

When I've dated one person whom I was really into, I haven't felt a strong or urgent need or want to date other people, nor have I had the time to do so. However, I'm skeptical that I'd be happy eventually getting married monogamously and then going the rest of my life only every having sex with that one person. It might work, but I worry that eventually we'd lose the sexual spark or grow apart in other ways.

But then . . . it's hard for me to say that a deep poly situation would be any better for me, because I haven't really managed to try it quite how I'd like to. I don't like the idea of working for years and years to finally be developing deep relationships with multiple people at once, turning down monogamous relationship possibilities in the process, only to find that polyamory actually doesn't make me happy, that it's too much work, too hard to manage my time, not enough along time for myself, or that I really do have issues with jealousy when my relationships become more serious. Although I suppose that experience would be no worse than having yet another intense monogamous relationship followed by an intense and painful breakup.

Sometimes I feel I'm partly attracted to polyamory just because it's different and unusual and outside the mainstream, and that if the mainstream were polyamorous I would want to be monogamous instead.

So again, in theory, I'd love to be poly, but when I go on OkCupid and see how many more mono-identified matches I have than poly-identified, or when I start dating somebody I really like and bring up poly and have them react negatively, or when I see how happy my siblings are in monogamous relationships, it makes me feel that maybe I should give monogamy a try again, or at least maybe I should be open to dating monogamous people when I'm single, because it might give me a better chance to have some relationship satisfaction in the current dating climate.

In theory, I could do both, date poly people and mono people as long as I'm single, and that's kind of what I've been doing, but I kind of feel like I have to make a choice. For many mono people, even discussing the possibility of polyamory seems to be a turnoff, they worry that I wouldn't be happy with them monogamously. And for poly people, discussing the possibility of monogamy seems to be a turnoff, they worry that I might end up wanting to be monogamous down the line. And these concerns are justified for all parties.

So anyway . . . I'd appreciate advice from any of you, and in particular from people like me who don't feel like they're necessarily wired only for poly who have tried out both poly and mono.
 
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nycindie

Active member
You know, you don't have to identify as anything! For many people, including myself and many of us here, poly is simply an approach or structure to having relationships that we choose to practice and has nothing to do with our identities. You don't have to believe in the ideas that people are so-called "wired" one way or the other, that there is a relationship orientation spectrum you're supposed to fit yourself onto somewhere, nor that you need to make a declaration about yourself as poly or mono.

Personally, I think there are a great number of potentialities that any human being can have at their own disposal and be drawn to but whether we do or not is influenced by so many, many elements. The personality we develop is one, intellect another, upbringing another, but probably most powerful is a combination of our own personal experiences and all the messages we are given from our familial and societal cultures. There are cultures that never developed a concept of romantic love, for example, or where monogamy would not be practical, and so people who grow up there are not plagued with trying to figure out what their "wiring" is.

I am a straight woman currently practicing solo poly, and learning more about relationship anarchy, because these approaches appeal to me at this point in my life. I never use the word "polyamory" when I meet someone new. I don't use the dating process as a way to audition men for the role of boyfriend, so I can just enjoy going out and meeting people. If I hit it off with someone and we want to see each other again, great. If it seems like there is a potential for our relationship to become closer and deeper, I bring up the topic of exclusivity and non-exclusivity to see if we're on the same page. I tell them that, since the end of my marriage, I am not looking for a totally entwined partnership again, and for now I prefer not to be exclusive, though that can change if exclusivity begins to feel right for me and a particular person. Unless a guy announces on a first date that he is only looking for a wife for monogamous partnership - which rarely happens because I just don't attract that kind of person - this works for me.

However, I think that your biggest challenge will not be whether to live monogamously or polyamorously. I suspect that your struggle is more about the mistaken idea that when a love relationship is right for you, it is supposed to last forever. It sounds like your biggest disappointments have been when things ended. Of course, it sucks when we can no longer be with someone we really want to be with, but it doesn't mean that we failed, nor that the relationship was a failure, solely because it was short-lived or didn't last as long as we'd hoped. Some relationships aren't meant to be long-lasting, and some people simply are better suited for long-term relationships than others, or are more ready for that kind of relationship when they are older. The thing is, longevity of a relationship is not necessarily a barometer for success. I believe relationships are opportunities to connect with other human beings on an intimate level, to share love and affection, and learn more about. ourselves. If we can remember that, I think it will bode well for our relationships to be sucessful and. more satisfying, with less emphasis on unrealistic expectations (and therefore, less disappointment).
 
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FallenAngelina

Well-known member
.... I feel that identifying as poly limits my dating pool. Although I do live in a very big city with a decent number of poly people, there are still way more mono people.

To nycyndie's insightful response about the questionable value of self-identification, I'll add that the size of the dating pool is but a tiny factor in finding fulfilling relationships. We are limited only by our beliefs, our perspectives, our thoughts and what we are ready for. Altering those is what expands our dating potential, not having a larger or smaller pool to swim in. Yes, OKC and larger cities have hoards of mono daters, but you're not looking to spend time with all and sundry. You're looking for people who fit with you and you need not swim in an enormous pool in order to find them.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Socrates,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I really think in your situation it's about 50/50 whether you should be monogamous or polyamorous -- perhaps a bit more weight on the poly side because your poly breakups aren't as difficult. Are you sure you have to commit to one or the other? Wouldn't a good potential partner for you be someone who could discuss the finer points of polyamory and monogamy without developing some kind of bias against you? You could outright tell them that you're comfortable with both mono and poly. If they're not willing to trust you when you say that, doesn't that make them rather dicey as partner material anyway? I'm just saying ...

In any case, give yourself some time to get comfortable here and perhaps we can help you come to a decision. Glad you could join.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 

Socrates

New member
Thank you everybody for your responses. It seems like the biggest point that people are making is that I shouldn't feel the need to identify exclusively as mono or poly, it's okay to be comfortable with both and telling that to people whom I date. So why do I feel a pull to commit to one or the other? I suppose because I don't want to end up deeply involved in a mono relationship, only to realize that my needs are not being met and that I need it to be poly, but that my partner is only comfortable being mono. There seem to be lots of stories like that on these forums, and it sounds really unpleasant. Under the influence of NRE, it would be easy to tell a woman that I really liked that I could be mono for her, only to find later that this wouldn't actually work. On the other hand, I don't want to make a big deal of discussing poly early in the dating process, and thereby miss out on an opportunity to date somebody who would otherwise be an excellent match for me, but who is turned off by even the mention of poly.

Wouldn't a good potential partner for you be someone who could discuss the finer points of polyamory and monogamy without developing some kind of bias against you? You could outright tell them that you're comfortable with both mono and poly. If they're not willing to trust you when you say that, doesn't that make them rather dicey as partner material anyway? I'm just saying ...

Yes, perhaps that would be best, and that's kind of been how I've felt. But I'm concerned that I can't trust myself when I say that, that maybe I actually am more comfortable with one or the other, and so I am trying to examine my feelings and beliefs carefully. If I conclude that I really can trust myself in saying this, then I suppose this is how I will continue to behave.

I don't use the dating process as a way to audition men for the role of boyfriend, so I can just enjoy going out and meeting people.]

I'm not sure if I entirely understand this. How do you use the dating process? Don't you hope that if things go well, that the person whom you date will become some sort of sexual and/or romantic partner? If so, then how is this different from auditioning men for the role of boyfriend?

However, I think that your biggest challenge will not be whether to live monogamously or polyamorously. I suspect that your struggle is more about the mistaken idea that when a love relationship is right for you, it is supposed to last forever.

Hmm, I'm not sure that I believe that. I do value longevity in my friendships and relationships, but I accept that they don't all last forever. Rather, I am unhappy with the particular way in which my mono relationships have ended. I have had many friendships and poly relationships that have ended in an organic and amicable way -- I grow apart from the person, lose touch with them, whatever. That's fine with me. These are still people whom I could probably call up or message on facebook or whatever and get a friendly response if they aren't too busy. What disturbs me is the kind of expectations that get built up in a mono relationship, and the way that this leads to distressing breakups, where somebody goes from being one of the most important parts of your life to someone who you don't want to even talk to or who doesn't want to talk to you.

We are limited only by our beliefs, our perspectives, our thoughts and what we are ready for. Altering those is what expands our dating potential, not having a larger or smaller pool to swim in. Yes, OKC and larger cities have hoards of mono daters, but you're not looking to spend time with all and sundry. You're looking for people who fit with you and you need not swim in an enormous pool in order to find them.

Could you please elaborate on this? Why is it a good idea to expand one's perspectives in this way? Isn't it possible that I have in mind that I would only be happy with certain types of partners and/or types of relationships because that is actually the truth? Also, how do you suggest meeting these people whom I fit in with for dating without swimming in an enormous pool? I've always felt that dating is a numbers game, the bigger pool I can swim in the more successful I'll be, as long as I can filter that big pool effectively. It's true that I have a decent social network, and my friends are generally aware that I'm looking for people to date, and I have met a couple of people whom I've dated through my friends. But this way of meeting people does not seem to be nearly as reliable as going on online dating sites, which always turns up people to date when I am persistent enough. I could be more persistent with my friends, but I don't particularly want to be known as that guy who is constantly pestering his friends to find people to set him up with.
 

nycindie

Active member
I don't use the dating process as a way to audition men for the role of boyfriend, so I can just enjoy going out and meeting people.
I'm not sure if I entirely understand this. How do you use the dating process? Don't you hope that if things go well, that the person whom you date will become some sort of sexual and/or romantic partner? If so, then how is this different from auditioning men for the role of boyfriend?

I don't use the dating process for anything - I just date.

What I mean is that I allow myself to enjoy dating for what it is - an opportunity to get to know another human being, have interesting conversation, do something fun, and hopefully have a good time connecting with someone, without laying any expectations on the guy to prove himself as worthy enough to be a boyfriend. I learn a lot about people and the world that way, because I don't have this internal chatter going on in my head, gauging what someone is saying against some list of requirements I've dreamed up as criteria for potential partners. Geez, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, so why waste today in wistful hopes and fantasies? I prefer to live in the present moment, and don't want a boyfriend or partner who is all entwined and entangled in my life, anyway. I want lovers, I want intimate friendships, not boyfriends.

So, yeah, if a date does lead to sex, or seeing that person again, and maybe even a relationship, well, that might be really cool, or it might not turn out great - but I don't view a date as a means to an end. It's just a date. I don't date someone just to see if a relationship will come out of it, nor to try and make it happen - I am just enjoying spending time going out with someone. If it doesn't lead to anything more, I can just look at it as an experience and move on. I don't want to forget that I can just enjoy going out with someone for coffee and not get all hung up on thoughts like, "Oh, will I see him again, does he want to see me again, should I tell him I'm poly, is he boyfriend material, blablabla."

I am so-o-oooo done, at this point in my life, with trying to steer a connection I make into some pre-conceived romantic ideal. Sure, after a fun date with someone I like and find attractive, I'll debate whether I will call him or not, or wonder if he will call me, and am happy if someone I like does call, but I also live my life and won't shrivel up and die if a guy doesn't call and we never see each other again. If I want just sex, that is pretty easy to find.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re (from Socrates):
"So why do I feel a pull to commit to one or the other? I suppose because I don't want to end up deeply involved in a mono relationship, only to realize that my needs are not being met and that I need it to be poly, but that my partner is only comfortable being mono."

It seems to me that you have weighed that against the problem of the poly pool being smaller than the mono pool, and the results are inconclusive as to whether poly or mono is your best bet. You could date poly and never obtain a partner at all because the poly dating pool is too small.

Frightening as it is, I think life is full of risks no matter how much planning we do. Heck, planning itself is a risk because you might miss your chance to smell the roses (or find love, or whatever) while you're doing all that planning. Sometimes you get more out of life by just getting out there and experiencing all that life has to offer. I suppose there's a happy medium in there somewhere, but mayhaps you see my point.

I think that if you are reasonably slow and cautious about how you approach each date and interaction, your instincts will help guide you to a reasonably good conclusion about whether to keep pursuing it or to step away.

Re:
"I am trying to examine my feelings and beliefs carefully."

That's always a good thing to do. Not that we'll ever truly know ourselves (I don't think I'll ever truly know myself), but it's good to get to know ourselves a little better.

I can't guarantee that you'll have a happy ending in life (relationship-wise), but, the odds seem to be in your favor.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I've always felt that dating is a numbers game, the bigger pool I can swim in the more successful I'll be, as long as I can filter that big pool effectively.

Relationships are an attraction game, not a numbers game. If it were a numbers game, people in NYC and Manila would be the happiest people on earth and they're not. The people we orbit up with have nothing to do with how many are available, but with why we are drawn to one another. Our relationships reflect what we have going on inside ourselves, so if you keep having similar relationships it's because of the story you're telling yourself. If you want a different relationship experience, change the story you're telling yourself, don't look to stumble upon someone to change your experience of life from the outside. Our relationships reflect us, no matter if we encounter a few people or a few hundred people. This is how people can feel like a big city is the loneliest place. If you feel that poly relationships are not as deep as mono, the way to change this is not to seek out more people, but to change the story you're telling yourself about poly relationships. Our realtionships always reflect the story we've got going on for ourselves. Whether you're in the company of one person or a thousand, you change your world by changing the way you're seeing it.
 
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Socrates

New member
nycindie --
Thanks, now I understand better. Maybe I will try to approach dating a bit more that way myself. However, unlike you, I would ideally like to eventually have a partner who is entwined and entangled in my life, so this auditioning aspect will still exist for me, but I can try to downplay it in my mind somewhat.

Also, I wish that just sex were easy for me to find, too. The only way I can think of that might be successful for me to track down casual sex would be to try to meet people at bars, and that's unappealing to me and seems a bit unsafe, plus I think it's immoral in terms of consent to have sex with somebody for the first time when we're not sober. I think finding sex is easier for straight women than for straight men. If I could find a way to reliably find casual sex with people who were sober and who were willing to have a serious discussion beforehand about things like birth control and STDs, then I'd probably be interested.

kdt --
Good advice, thank you. I think I more often over-plan than under-plan, and it's good to be reminded of the importance of not over-planning. I could plan for a long time and then have things not turn out anything like how I planned -- it's happened before in various areas of my life.

FallenAngel --
Thanks for taking the time to explain your perspective more fully. I like the idea about changing the stories one tells oneself. When I look at it that way, I notice that the kinds of stories that I've told myself about relationships have changed some over time, and that the sort of relationships that I've had have changed accordingly, and I like the idea that I can find a deeper poly relationship by telling myself that it's possible and by looking for it.

However, I think that your analysis about attraction vs numbers doesn't really apply in my case. For many people it might, but for me I am rather unusual in many ways, and I doubt I would find many suitable potential long-term partners to date in a small town. I had very little success with dating until I moved to a very large city. After I moved to a very large city, I had a reasonable amount of success. I think a lot of that had to do with the numbers game.
 
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FallenAngelina

Well-known member
...I like the idea about changing the stories one tells oneself. When I look at it that way, I notice that the kinds of stories that I've told myself about relationships have changed some over time, and that the sort of relationships that I've had have changed accordingly, and I like the idea that I can find a deeper poly relationship by telling myself that it's possible and by looking for it.

This is the nugget in what I said, so it's great that you see how this works in your own life.
 

polyamoryinmotion

New member
nycindie --
...I like the idea about changing the stories one tells oneself. When I look at it that way, I notice that the kinds of stories that I've told myself about relationships have changed some over time, and that the sort of relationships that I've had have changed accordingly, and I like the idea that I can find a deeper poly relationship by telling myself that it's possible and by looking for it.
This is the nugget in what I said, so it's great that you see how this works in your own life.

Over the past 6 or so years, my spouse and I have gone through the process of changing our 30+ year marriage relationship from a successful traditional, monogamous marriage to an open marriage. One of the more complicated mental tasks was breaking free of the stories we've been told that had become the stories we told yourselves. This was especially true of my spouse, who can from a much more rigid, moralistic upbringing, and struggled mightily with the question of "Is it OK?" for a long, long time. (In our case, is it OK to open up our relationship to fill the deep seated desire for her to have a GF). Like you, our parents (and all of our siblings) are married and have stayed married, generally happily so. We probably would have remained monogamous, and obliviously so, if we hadn't been faced with what seemed to be an impossible choice. Along the lines of something you said, we don't feel like we were "born" poly, which is how quite a few of our poly friends talk about themselves. Rather, we came up with the phrase "situation-ally poly" to describe ourselves. My point is, (I think I have a point...) that it's really difficult to know what any relationship will look like and how "successful" and happy each of you would be in 2 years or 5 years, and virtually impossible to predict over the course of 20 or 30. Leaving yourself open to what's possible, it may just find you.

And, finally, while I definitely appreciate HappilyFallenAngel's approach to dating, after 20, 30, 40... dates, whether the context is mono or poly, it can become tiresome and frustrating. :)
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
I have pondered that question myself, and I find that I don't have to choose. The people in my life set the limits. I came into poly because I fell in love with another man than /in addition to my husband. When it became clear that that wouldn't work out, I wonderd if I was "really" poly or just fell for him. I found that I had really liked being loved by two. I thought, well I can maybe find someone poly or just stay with my husband. Then I went on holiday and found someone from another country, another religion and someone who actually had never fallen in love with anyone but me - the ultimate monogamist, really. But it has somehow been working for almost one and a half year now.
 

Socrates

New member
polyamoryinmotion-- thank you, very helpful to see your perspective from so many years of experience. It's good to be reminded that the future is nearly impossible to predict, and it's good to stay open to possibilities.

Yes, dating can get tiresome after so long. I feel right now like I'm not enjoying it quite as much as I used to. It's often a lot of work to set up a date only to find that you don't want to see the person again, or they don't want to see you again. But at the same time it's fun meeting new people. I am kind of in the middle between an introvert and an extrovert. I think that if I were more introverted, I would like dating for the sake of dating less, if I were more extroverted, I would like it more.

HappilyFallenAngel -- is this in line with your experience? Do you consider yourself extroverted?

Norwegianpoly -- You say that the people in your life set the limits. Before you fell in love with the person who wasn't your husband, did your husband identify as poly? Suppose that when you'd fallen in love with the person who wasn't your husband, your husband had said that he was not okay with you seeing that person? What do you think would have happened?

(Also, there is a typo in your profile. I assume N is not actually 5 years old.)
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
HappilyFallenAngel -- is this in line with your experience? Do you consider yourself extroverted?

I have become much more outgoing as my self confidence has grown. Also, I enjoy meeting new people in a new and truly enjoyable way as I keep my focus on appreciating what each person has to offer rather than be on the lookout for faults, foibles and all the many ways a person could possibly hurt me. This has been a game changer for me - learning how to re-direct worrysome thoughts more toward thoughts of appreciation.

All that said, I still very much enjoy my alone time.
 

thepaleob

New member
I have become much more outgoing as my self confidence has grown. Also, I enjoy meeting new people in a new and truly enjoyable way as I keep my focus on appreciating what each person has to offer rather than be on the lookout for faults, foibles and all the many ways a person could possibly hurt me. This has been a game changer for me - learning how to re-direct worrysome thoughts more toward thoughts of appreciation.

All that said, I still very much enjoy my alone time.

Thank you, that is very beautifully worded. I am feeling this change based on not looking at my partner as 'someone who's out to hurt me by being with someone else' but rather 'someone who wishes to share his/her life with me and enrich it' irrespective of whether other partners exist/do not exist.

Ultimately, one of my favorite memories/thoughts to fall back to, in times of potential distress, is to remind myself that I/we are but tiny specs of organic matter on a tiny rocky planet, in a tiny star system...etc :)

Regards,
thepaleob
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
So much richness, tragedy, hope, and hunger on this one tiny planet ...
 

necrodefy

New member
Welcome! I'm also new-ish to the forum :D

You sound so much like myself, not just in what position you're in and your stance, but the way you think and speak too. Are you an INTP by chance? Anyway... I've considered myself poly yet still attempted mono relationships. I feel like I'm primarily polyamorous, but I know I'm capable of monogamy since there was one girl I had strong monogamous feelings for once. That being said, none of my monogamous relationships worked out, and like with you all ended horribly. I too hate that this person has become the near center of your life and now they practically don't even exist anymore. Worst feeling I've ever experienced in life thus far.

Since I don't really have polyamory "experience" and since monogamy hasn't been working for me, I'm now deciding to exclusively date polyamorously (at least for a while). I also have a strong concern with the limited dating pool. I too see finding a compatible partner as a bit of a numbers game. Especially in this town, there are so few poly folks here :(

But it seems like you've had a fair amount of experience dating both ways, and after weighing the pros and cons of each you find that neither presents itself as the clear correct choice. Sound about right? Unfortunately for those like us who are fully capable of either, there isn't a right choice. And I don't have the answers, but I know what I'm going to try to do is to find the same deep connection I had in my monogamous relationships, but with someone(s) who's polyamorous. Because I don't believe that a polyamorous relationship should lack those feelings of deep connection that we felt in our monogamous relationships. Just because it hasn't happened to you yet doesn't necessarily mean it can't be done. If that sounds right to you, perhaps you can also try this.

Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to ya! :D
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Personally, I think poly dyads (and V's and triads and ...) can be profoundly romantic.
 

Socrates

New member
Hi Necrodefy,

It's nice to hear from somebody else in a similar situation to me. I do usually get some sort of NT when I do Myers Briggs, if I remember correctly. The other two letters vary depending on the version of the test and when I take it. The first time it came up E, I was surprised and thought I'd made a mistake, but I realized that I was more extroverted than I had thought, and had become more extroverted compared to when I was a child.

Yes, I would like to try to find more deep connection in poly relationships, and, along similar lines, to set up mono relationships in such a way that potential breakups are less cataclysmic. A tricky aspect is that I think the cataclysmic breakups partly have to do with the closeness of the relationship, rather than the mono or poly status. And another tricky aspect is that I'm willing to have poly, but not mono, relationships with people with whom I expect I could not develop a very deep connection. But even more, I think lots about a relationship is affected by experience, communication, expectations, and maturity levels. So I have hope for the future.
 
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