Desired destinations?

StudentofLife

New member
Dysfunctional ducks in a row

Haha...I will have to start calling you Ducky.

I haven't read the whole site by any means, but have covered a lot more. I read the stuff on jealousy - both the theory and practice, and it made a lot of sense.

Those pages really helped me to understand what was going on in my head. Mainly the fear of competition, that this other man might be 'better' than me.

All pretty ridiculous stuff, which makes it all the more surprising when it happens from nowhere.


PS Disappointed about your doll revelation. I was very excited for a second.

You can totally call me Ducky.:)

So, if I can ask, how realistic does it seem that you could handle your jealousy differently, if you were in an open relationship in the future? I mean, does it feel to you like something you can learn and then do?

I think in a way the Pidge and I will have it easier, because it's a given that any man she dates will be a better man than I.

I think Japan sells some life-sized dolls, but you're on your own doing the internet search for that! My computer would burst into flames.
 

ManofDiscovery

New member
You can totally call me Ducky.:)

So, if I can ask, how realistic does it seem that you could handle your jealousy differently, if you were in an open relationship in the future? I mean, does it feel to you like something you can learn and then do?

I think in a way the Pidge and I will have it easier, because it's a given that any man she dates will be a better man than I.

I think Japan sells some life-sized dolls, but you're on your own doing the internet search for that! My computer would burst into flames.

I'm not sure my budget would stretch to a life sized doll from Japan. But thanks for the tip off anyway, Ducky.

I worked through quite a few jealousy issues just being in that situation. But I'm sure I would still have some work to do. You don't know until you out yourself in that position.

Suppose you and/or The Pidge wanted another female partner. Is that forbidden? And how would potential jealousy work then?
 

StudentofLife

New member
Doll budget runs dry

I'm not sure my budget would stretch to a life sized doll from Japan. But thanks for the tip off anyway, Ducky.

I worked through quite a few jealousy issues just being in that situation. But I'm sure I would still have some work to do. You don't know until you out yourself in that position.

Suppose you and/or The Pidge wanted another female partner. Is that forbidden? And how would potential jealousy work then?

You're the second person to ask me that. Since we have both decided for ourselves it's not something we're interested in, I haven't given it as much thought. But we're not forbidding anything to each other. I think it would be harder to accept, but the main thing always is that she be treated well, as you can understand.

Hey, doesn't this site have a UK section in the trying to meet people section? Have you checked that out?
 

ThatGirlInGray

New member
I'm sure most people here will roll their eyes and say 'shit yeah, that stuff is obvious'...but it's really solid grounding stuff for me.

Thanks!

That's an interesting generalization. The website you're referring to, morethantwo, is one of the most recommended websites here. Many people here have read it, gotten a great deal from it, and think it's wonderfully helpful. It's one of the first things usually offered to someone who comes here asking how to deal better with jealousy or wanting to talk about working through feelings of jealousy.

I believe that was even addressed previously, MoD (unless I'm confusing you with someone else, in which case I apologize), that this forum's reaction to someone asking for help dealing with jealousy is likely to be much different than the reaction to someone saying that jealousy shouldn't exist in a successful poly relationship.

ETA: Sorry to go on a tangent, but the negativity out of nowhere took me aback somewhat.
 

StudentofLife

New member
More than two

I have just started looking at that site you posted, and I'm very interested. First page I'm looking at right now is the 'dos and don'ts', and that in itself is some really solid stuff, and I've only read half of it so far.

I'm sure most people here will roll their eyes and say 'shit yeah, that stuff is obvious'...but it's really solid grounding stuff for me.

Thanks!


It's kind of humbling, in a way. The first time I read the articles he had written I realized that my initial assumptions were so off-base, so selfish and unrealistic I was truly ashamed of myself. So much of it is basic common sense, human decency, respect for others, etc. All things I would have thought I had a grip on at my age, and yet I was so lost in self-serving delusions I should have been slapped with an old fish to bring me back to reality.

Now when Pidge and I discuss the mythical Toilet Seat Guy, we try to imagine his feelings, needs, wants, and rights as much as our own, just to make sure we're in the habit of trying to not be jerks. I'm sure we will have our jerkish moments anyway, but that site is both a great learning tool, and a reminder that we are not special, or above anyone else in terms of relationships.:)
 

Velvet

New member


StudentofLife,

I'm glad you shared that 'more than two' website. I had not yet seen it linked within this forum yet either. Even though I have been sailing the poly seas for about six years now, I still second guess myself at everything and I don't feel like it's an old easy habit. And when I look at websites or articles new to me I can usually find at least one new thing to help me and my partnerships.

Somewhere in my intro thread I said my dream poly goal would be cohabitation with my two partners. That's what I want, and of course I hope to reach that one day, but unless everyone feels ok about it, it won't happen. The point I'm at right now is that I've brought up the idea and some ways to achieve it, and I am letting my two partners stew on it. also, getting their feedback when they have any.
 

StudentofLife

New member
Poly pirates?

Even though I have been sailing the poly seas for about six years now, I still second guess myself at everything and I don't feel like it's an old easy habit. And when I look at websites or articles new to me I can usually find at least one new thing to help me and my partnerships.

Somewhere in my intro thread I said my dream poly goal would be cohabitation with my two partners. That's what I want, and of course I hope to reach that one day, but unless everyone feels ok about it, it won't happen. The point I'm at right now is that I've brought up the idea and some ways to achieve it, and I am letting my two partners stew on it. also, getting their feedback when they have any.

It really is such a different mindset from how society (at least American society) tells us things should be. That, and what it reinforces daily in so many ways would seem to make having it be a habit really take some serious reprogramming.

Velvet, can I ask how long you have all known one another?
 

ManofDiscovery

New member
It's kind of humbling, in a way. The first time I read the articles he had written I realized that my initial assumptions were so off-base, so selfish and unrealistic I was truly ashamed of myself. So much of it is basic common sense, human decency, respect for others, etc. All things I would have thought I had a grip on at my age, and yet I was so lost in self-serving delusions I should have been slapped with an old fish to bring me back to reality.

Now when Pidge and I discuss the mythical Toilet Seat Guy, we try to imagine his feelings, needs, wants, and rights as much as our own, just to make sure we're in the habit of trying to not be jerks. I'm sure we will have our jerkish moments anyway, but that site is both a great learning tool, and a reminder that we are not special, or above anyone else in terms of relationships.:)

Agreed. Toilet Seat Guy...might want to have another name if you ever actually meet him in real life.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
Somewhere in my intro thread I said my dream poly goal would be cohabitation with my two partners. That's what I want, and of course I hope to reach that one day, but unless everyone feels ok about it, it won't happen.

True...and true.

At one point, during the turmoil of discovery with Dude (which I handled BADLY, for the record) at one point I asked myself "JaneQ...What do you really WANT?" - my answer to myself was instantaneous, "I want to live with these two boys, on my little plot of country, and live happily ever after." At that time, it seemed like a pipe-dream - I didn't see how it could ever work out...yet here we are. Sometimes the world does allow us to achieve our desires.

On the other hand, there have been plenty of times that I wanted something (a baby, for instance) and put that out there into the ether and it didn't happen. You roll with the punches...

I spend a lot of time considering how I will react when/if Dude finds himself another girlfriend (more than he does - although we have talked about it) and, of course, it all depends on what SHE wants ... and she hasn't even entered the picture yet. HE has stated that a basic requirement for him is that she has to at least be tolerant of him having a continued relationship with me (recognizing that our relationship will necessarily change as a result).

If we take his basic requirement into account, that still leaves a whole RANGE of possibilities on the table. Say she eventually wants to live with him as well? I can't promise that I will be okay with adding a fourth person to our household (obviously that would depend on the person, how they got along with the rest of us, etc... and we might need a bigger bed :D) - BUT I can see Dude building another house on the property and sharing his time between the two. Or living with her and coming to see us on some kind of regular basis. Or..?

The scope of possibility is broad.

JaneQ
 
I am sure I well catch hell for this, but...

That sounds like a great plan. I love classical guitar.

Your beautiful Spanish women sound like a great place to start. Can I ask how long you've been pondering an ethically open relationship model for yourself? You may have already posted this elsewhere, I'm sorry if I'm asking you to repeat yourself.

Have you read any of the articles up at Franklin Veaux's Sprawling Web Empire?
Here's a link, in case you'd find it of interest. The man is smarter and more articulate than most, and I found his writing syle to be so easy to read. Let me know what you think, after you have a chance to check it out?

http://www.morethantwo.com/

When I was young, there were these international dolls, they gave them out at gas stations when you got a fill-up. One of them was a Spanish woman, in beautiful full red and black skirts....if I still had her, I'd send her to you. Except now you'd need at least three....:D

I read through a few of Frank's sites, anything good that a reader can come away with is a good thing. Personally I found his passive aggressive style not worth my time. The poly advice seemed like poorly re-written strategies taken from other sites and books that the reader would do better going straight to the source for info. Maybe I am being a little harsh, because he evidently believed he was being humorous, but I for one don't appreciate spending time reading an author who makes himself feel superior if he can get you to believe his word then effective call you stupid. Granted, the passive aggressive joke's on you style was not in the poly content, but because of that style I felt it was a waste of time personally. The clearest example of this was his multiple pages of bullshit instead of just saying that people who drive "American" cars are more patriotic then people who display "support our troops" which I don't agree with considering that many of Ford's vehicles are actually Mazdas with a Ford emblem.

He's a talented writer, but I was turned off by what I took for a holier than thou attitude. I can't stand authors who pretend being an intellectual is all about making fun of others in obscure ways, but I am sure I am just being assuming and judgmental, as I am likely the only one who feels this way.
 

BoringGuy

Banned
I don't mind franklin and his writing so much as the way his "fans" worship him as some kind of guru and hang on his every word as if he's leading the Israelites out of Egypt or some shit like that. He's just some guy who manages to get laid a lot and writes about it. Whoop dee doo dee.
 

Vixtoria

New member
Sadly yes, and they are an over enthusiastic bunch. Actually deciding that because they come up with a definition of a word that works for their poly group that it is now THE definition. I don't say that the definitions I use are the ones everyone must use, only offered as example as what works for us. Being one of the first people to write about a subject or having fans does not make you the absolute authority. If that were true we would all be listening to Justin Bieber and who wants to live in that world?
 

Cleo

New member
Sadly yes, and they are an over enthusiastic bunch. Actually deciding that because they come up with a definition of a word that works for their poly group that it is now THE definition.

which definition is that?
 

Vixtoria

New member
Oh I have gotten read the RIOT ACT, for disagreeing on what it means to use the terms Secondary, Poly, Primary, and others. Mostly it seems to be really really sensitive to anyone in anything resembling hierarchical relationships and if you attempt to give any other definition of hierarchy then you are wrong. Because hierarchy is bad, and everyone is equal all the time and equal means the same. Period. Seriously, been banned for arguing that one.
 

BoringGuy

Banned
Oh I have gotten read the RIOT ACT, for disagreeing on what it means to use the terms Secondary, Poly, Primary, and others. Mostly it seems to be really really sensitive to anyone in anything resembling hierarchical relationships and if you attempt to give any other definition of hierarchy then you are wrong. Because hierarchy is bad, and everyone is equal all the time and equal means the same. Period. Seriously, been banned for arguing that one.



I recall reading arguments that spanned from this forum, to Live Journal, and other sites i can't remember which have basically said (this was not mr. Veaux talking to/by himself, mind you, it did involve one or more of his partners and other folks) that married couples are predatory and abusive for getting involved with other people but still wanting to remain "primary". In other words, by staying married and having access to the benefits of society that are afforded through marriage, such couples are exploiting that privilege at the expense of other individuals with whom they would become involved. This gets supported through anecdotal evidence of stories about clueless couples who treat additional partners as "the third" and so forth.

My opinion about that is: most people think only of themselves and treat others indifferently most of the time except when it is to their benefit to do otherwise. Although that does not make it ok to do so, it is unrealistic to be surprised when this happens to you. It has, however, nothing to do with hierarchy vs. equality, marriage, nonmonogamy, etc. it has to to with people being wrapped up in their own little insular experience of existence. It's impossible to avoid that because that is the human condition.
 
I think some of his writing he is trying to funny,

But I don't know about his articles on poly. I haven't read that much, but what I have, I decided was mostly bullshit. To be honest, what really led me to believe everything he writes is just a bunch of bullshit , were his essays on science. I couldn't figure out if he was being sarcastic and it was joke or if he's seriously that clueless, either way five pages that sounds authoritative isn't funny and it was obvious he doesn't have a grasp on evolution or physics. When I got to the end and he listed SciencDaily as a source that was pretty much it for me. He wasn't joking, he seriously is that clueless

but when you have a site like his you have to find something to write about regularly like a newspaper or something. So I am thinking the reason he seems to be talking out his ass so often is because he has to post something. Science is one of my pet peeves, reputable academic journals go to a lot of trouble make sure that not only real experiments that come to real, significant conclusions get published. All the money in the world can't buy publication. Sciencedaily is just a political tool that is published for the sole purpose of being used as a citation source for newspapers and politicians.
 
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