TravelGirl -- It's a terrible thing to have happen and I am truly sorry you have experienced horrible trauma like this. My heart goes out to both you and Classycaveman.
I mean this kindly ok?
Both could stop posting online about it at this time and devote the energy instead into seeking professional care. This was almost rape. That is just not one for anon internet people to field on a poly support board. You both need attempted rape recovery support.
Additionally -- neither of you has to defend anything you have said or done to anyone. You both were in shock and probably STILL ARE. This just happened. These are unusual, extraordinary
Travelgirl, I see that you are hurting. You did NOT deserve this. It is APPROPRIATE to experience hurt in this situation. Nobody experiences assault like "fun."
Not because he needed support, not because he was upset, but because he felt nothing.
Keep in mind that "going emotionally numb" and "confusion" can be normal responses to shock or grief. People get overwhelmed by what is going on and seem to go "emotionally dead" or "emotionally numb." It doesn't mean they do not care at all. You might want him to be your everything guy because you hurt so bad... but he cannot be when he too has been impacted. He can be on your team, even help lots. But he cannot be your whole recovery team. Some of his time he has to spend on his own healing. These are complex feelings you guys are having to navigate.
After he came out of the initial numbness shock, he started posting here. Sounding wigged out, worried about how to best be there for you. That seems like the emotions whooshing back in. From the first post
he expresses concern for the love of his life -- you. I think his heart is in the right place. Even as he struggles to make sense of his experience of all this.
So to feel like my partner was also unaffected emotionally made me feel abandoned. Like oh, you've just been assaulted? Let me think about that later because I was having a good time.
Sounds like maybe you thought he was unaffected and did not perceive this at the time as a possible shock symptom of his own. That's is a normal and understandable response too. You hurt bad and you also
are in shock. Are you able to see that?
I think professional counseling could be helpful here. I strongly encourage you guys toward it. Go easy on each other in the meanwhile til you guys get there. Getting home safe should be first thing.
I think the most compassionate, realistic, and reasonable things for both of you to do right now?
- Both acknowledge that Travelgirl was assaulted. She's the primary tier victim. She def will deal in shock stuff. Get back home first.
- Both acknowledge that Classycaveman is a second tier victim. His experience of this is second hand rather than direct like Travelgirl. But because his experience of it is not as vivid, it doesn't make it less valid. He too will deal in some shock stuff. Nobody wants their loved ones assaulted.
- Both acknowledge this is the tip of the iceberg. You both might experience a whole LOT more roller coaster up and down or even ping-ponging back and forth as the realities sink in. Try to go easy on each other.
- I encourage both of you to stop posting online about this intensely personal trauma. Shock is exhausting. Conserve energy.
- Start seeking professional care. Energy is better spent there. This was almost rape. This is NOT one for anon Internet people to be fielding. You both deserve pro care on this one.
It will take a lot of processing. And both try to remember every person responds to shock differently and heals from something like this differently.
I hope in time you both find peace and healing. Again I am truly sorry this happened.