That's awesome!
do you know any long-term successful polyamorous relationships?
- Thread starter Fay
- Start date
That's awesome!
vinsanity0
Active member
My wife and I were together for 22 years. Not all of that was poly though. Relationships with my other partners have been shorter. That was mostly due to compatibility or time restraints, not a problem with poly itself.
I think it's awesome you know what you want. Just don't be discouraged if things don't work out. I met my first wife when I was 19. We were together 7 years. We grew apart. That happens. My late wife and I grew together. I don't know if that is because we were older or not. Maybe we just had more experience with relationships at that point in our lives.
When we are young and want to find The One (or Ones) we try to make it work with whoever we fall in love with at the time. It's almost as if it doesn't matter who the person is, longevity is the goal. I have a friend who is "living the dream". She has been with her husband 30 years. They built a life together...but he is a douche and she is miserable. Yet she still holds on to that "ideal".
I guess my point is you shouldn't feel you have failed if a relationship doesn't last forever. You may have to go through several relationships before you find the right people.
I think it's awesome you know what you want. Just don't be discouraged if things don't work out. I met my first wife when I was 19. We were together 7 years. We grew apart. That happens. My late wife and I grew together. I don't know if that is because we were older or not. Maybe we just had more experience with relationships at that point in our lives.
When we are young and want to find The One (or Ones) we try to make it work with whoever we fall in love with at the time. It's almost as if it doesn't matter who the person is, longevity is the goal. I have a friend who is "living the dream". She has been with her husband 30 years. They built a life together...but he is a douche and she is miserable. Yet she still holds on to that "ideal".
I guess my point is you shouldn't feel you have failed if a relationship doesn't last forever. You may have to go through several relationships before you find the right people.
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Hi Fay,
I am in an MFM poly-fi V, we have been together since early 2006, so about 11 years so far. I think we'll be together til death do us part, so if longevity is the deciding factor, we have it. We had some problems in the early years, but things have been going smooth for us for oh about six years, we have confidence in our togetherness. We live together and have done so for at least four years. Things seem to be going pretty smoothly for us.
You can read more about my situation in my blog. Also quite a few people's situations are described in the Life stories and blogs board; many of those are success stories. But if you want just success stories, try Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness.
Hopefully that's all somewhat helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I am in an MFM poly-fi V, we have been together since early 2006, so about 11 years so far. I think we'll be together til death do us part, so if longevity is the deciding factor, we have it. We had some problems in the early years, but things have been going smooth for us for oh about six years, we have confidence in our togetherness. We live together and have done so for at least four years. Things seem to be going pretty smoothly for us.
You can read more about my situation in my blog. Also quite a few people's situations are described in the Life stories and blogs board; many of those are success stories. But if you want just success stories, try Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness.
Hopefully that's all somewhat helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I've been with my legal husband for over 20 years, non monogamous for 8.
During those 8 years I had 2 longish (several years) relationships, which I would call 'succesfull' even though they ended.
I've been in a very unconventional, on/off / mostly platonic / but very intense relationship with someone for 6 years. I would call him a partner, even though we only see each other once every couple of months, and rarely communicate in between meetings.
I've been with my BF for 2,5 years. This is, on paper, the most 'normal'poly relationship I've had to date - he has 1 other girlfriend, everybody knows everybody, we've met each others parents and spent holidays together, etc).
The begining of my non-monogamous years was very complicated. I had a lot of stuff to navigate and figure out. I still have a lot to figure out, but it feels like the issues i have nowadays, are mostly MY issues - they might be triggered by poly related things, but not actually caused by poly. Which is why I tend to post about these issues much less than in the beginning, when these forums were such a great sounding board and place to find new perspective and reassurance and recognition.
During those 8 years I had 2 longish (several years) relationships, which I would call 'succesfull' even though they ended.
I've been in a very unconventional, on/off / mostly platonic / but very intense relationship with someone for 6 years. I would call him a partner, even though we only see each other once every couple of months, and rarely communicate in between meetings.
I've been with my BF for 2,5 years. This is, on paper, the most 'normal'poly relationship I've had to date - he has 1 other girlfriend, everybody knows everybody, we've met each others parents and spent holidays together, etc).
The begining of my non-monogamous years was very complicated. I had a lot of stuff to navigate and figure out. I still have a lot to figure out, but it feels like the issues i have nowadays, are mostly MY issues - they might be triggered by poly related things, but not actually caused by poly. Which is why I tend to post about these issues much less than in the beginning, when these forums were such a great sounding board and place to find new perspective and reassurance and recognition.
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Sevilla CRES
I think Poly is more likely about what the partner who doesn't initiate and drive the conversation can endure.
In almost all situations, one partner is the initiator of the Poly idea, and the other kinda goes along, or gets talked into it. So one person really leads it.
For Poly to work, the person who is not the leader of it, needs to be ok with it.
Usually the person suggesting Poly wants something more/different/else, but still enjoys some aspects of the current relationship. Perhaps a wife enjoys the husband's income, but wants more adventure (a sterotypical case).
So I would ask, who was the poly discussion leader in your relationship?
I think Poly is more likely about what the partner who doesn't initiate and drive the conversation can endure.
In almost all situations, one partner is the initiator of the Poly idea, and the other kinda goes along, or gets talked into it. So one person really leads it.
For Poly to work, the person who is not the leader of it, needs to be ok with it.
Usually the person suggesting Poly wants something more/different/else, but still enjoys some aspects of the current relationship. Perhaps a wife enjoys the husband's income, but wants more adventure (a sterotypical case).
So I would ask, who was the poly discussion leader in your relationship?
Yes. My gf and I were both single when we met. I've gone on to date both single and married men and women.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
I think poly may manifest differently at different phases of your life. In college poly meant, to me, that I refuses to put limits on my relationships, they were free to grow into whatever form that fit best. You can read about my journey in my Journey blog here.
I live with both of my boys together (as does Bluebird). Others have split households (more of a "shared custody" model) like Dagferi. Others may practice a hierarchical model but not live with any of their partners and choose to live with roommates.
I live with both of my boys together (as does Bluebird). Others have split households (more of a "shared custody" model) like Dagferi. Others may practice a hierarchical model but not live with any of their partners and choose to live with roommates.
In the "triad" part of my current relationship, we met when we already all identified as poly. Our backstories on how we discovered it are all different.
My first poly relationship started when I met a couple. The girl initiated opening up so they could both explore their bisexuality, the guy turned it into poly when they both fell for someone their own gender (me and someone else). Soon thereafter, it all went downhill when I started dating the guy while only wanting friendship with the girl. In the end he tried to dump her for me, which was a definitive reason for me to get out. They're sort of back together and both dating several people now.
My partners were together for a few years before the guy said he was poly. So they both started dating others. They broke up for mostly unrelated reasons after both had started dating other women. The girl stayed with her girlfriend for half a year. She and him remained friends though.
Then they met me (or got to know me better; we already all vaguely knew each other). I dated the girl, she and her ex loosely dated again too, then those things started to get more serious while I started dating him... et cetera.
Now Im dating a guy who doesn't know where he stands yet on the subject. My girlfriend identifies as "monogamous with two people", the guy loves four.
When you're young and single the road is a bit different than when you're settled and married I think
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
When you're young and single the road is a bit different than when you're settled and married I think
Absolutely. This.
My practice of poly/non-monogamy has varied considerably over the last 3 decades
(I, personally, have ID'd as "nonmonogamous" since I was 12 and reading Heinlein - well before I had ever had a sexual, let alone romantic, relationship. Actually, before the word "polyamory" was officially coined)Also, if you are familiar with the concept before you even start a relationship, then that can influence your perspective(s) from the very beginning and there is NO "Initiating Partner" that EdmDaddy refers to as existing "In almost all situations...". There is no "leader" - only equal(s) and partner(s) managing their relationship(s) as they work for the individuals involved.
Ravenscroft
Banned
I lucked out. Before I even had my first girlfriend, I knew that nonmonogamy resonated with me... though the only paradigms we had back then were hippie communes (& I'm NOT a "roughing it" sorta guy) & group marriage. When I started getting closer to Cindy, she knew my feelings long before the clothes started to come off.
In that sense, I suppose I was the "initiating partner"... kinda... sorta... in a way. I mean, we weren't partners at the time, we hung out & studied together, & went to movies & restaurants. She was waaaay cute & from a conservative Christian family, a year older than me, & had a few guys interested in her -- most of 'em objectively MUCH better matches than me!!
The implication of the "initiating partner" stuff is half the dyad is dragging the other half into nonmonogamy, likely with some degree of coercion ("if you REALLY loved me..." "...or we could just go our separate ways, I guess" "If you want me to stay around for the kids..."). For all I know, that's a fair depiction, & certainly ought to be discussed MUCH more.
However, it doesn't fit my personal story -- Cindy knew I was leaning that way before she decided to have sex with me, & was in no way tied to my fate except by curiosity.
And by living my life openly as nonmonogamous, friends & acquaintances were much more free to discuss nonmonogamy, so I figure that of the few who actually waded in -- we were pretty honest about the inherent difficulties! -- most partners were about equally "initiating."
In that sense, I suppose I was the "initiating partner"... kinda... sorta... in a way. I mean, we weren't partners at the time, we hung out & studied together, & went to movies & restaurants. She was waaaay cute & from a conservative Christian family, a year older than me, & had a few guys interested in her -- most of 'em objectively MUCH better matches than me!!
The implication of the "initiating partner" stuff is half the dyad is dragging the other half into nonmonogamy, likely with some degree of coercion ("if you REALLY loved me..." "...or we could just go our separate ways, I guess" "If you want me to stay around for the kids..."). For all I know, that's a fair depiction, & certainly ought to be discussed MUCH more.
However, it doesn't fit my personal story -- Cindy knew I was leaning that way before she decided to have sex with me, & was in no way tied to my fate except by curiosity.
And by living my life openly as nonmonogamous, friends & acquaintances were much more free to discuss nonmonogamy, so I figure that of the few who actually waded in -- we were pretty honest about the inherent difficulties! -- most partners were about equally "initiating."
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
In college, everyone was "poly." I knew very few exclusive couples.
Not my experience. In high school, I was strictly a serial monogamist. In freshman year college, I kept myself on the shelf for my bf back home. In December he dumped me, and I guess I became poly for about 9 months. Then in September or October of my sophomore year I met my husband-to-be, and went monogamous for 30 years.
Not in my college. Here, a lot of people are "open". But there's no love in those kinds of relationships, they're more about drunkenly kissing strangers at parties or sleeping with someone random. Even people in relationships often open up for specific parties so they can join in on the bodyshots/drinking games/"kissing orgies" as they're sometimes called.
Not everyone of course, but a lot of the party-people.
That's why I specified I don't count open relationships, the entire dynamic is different. Not wrong or right, just different.
(I've done some of that stuff too, it bores pretty quickly)
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I guess I'm just a West Coast girl. Seems like everyone was "poly" and unmarried in San Francisco and Seattle until we all started pairing off in our 30s. Even dating didn't really exist where I spent my formative years.
WhatHappened
Active member
My former boyfriend and his wife have been together for just over 30 years, and open for 20 of those. In all that time, I was his longest relationship, at 2 years and 3 months. His other girlfriends have lasted around 12 to 18 months and he's currently at about 18 months with the next one.
She's had a 'dom' for 6 years and has multiple hook ups with lots of other men.
What I see on here suggests that typically a man is not going to have much luck having another relationship long term. Look around the forum here and you'll see that most of the Vs that last longer than 2 years involve a woman with 2 men. Notice in my ex-BF's case, it's his wife, not him, who has had the longer-lasting outside relationship.
She's had a 'dom' for 6 years and has multiple hook ups with lots of other men.
What I see on here suggests that typically a man is not going to have much luck having another relationship long term. Look around the forum here and you'll see that most of the Vs that last longer than 2 years involve a woman with 2 men. Notice in my ex-BF's case, it's his wife, not him, who has had the longer-lasting outside relationship.
playfulgirl
Member
I think it's an individual basis call. Real and I have been together for 4.5 years with no signs of any big shifts ahead.
Playful
Playful
We are a closed poly quad (2 married couples) who are at 10 1/2 years. We had our ups and downs in the first couple three years and the occasional flare up for another couple three years and have been remarkably stable and strong for at least 5 years now. Like all relations whether 2 or more...all parties involved have to have the same goals, or at least compatible goals, for long term success. At this point in time we can't imagine ever going back...too much to lose.