Polyamory
I’m just starting to practice polyamory, for context in case you haven’t been following my riveting saga (hard as that is to imagine 
). But I read a lot of threads where people create some sort of agreement about being informed about their partners’ other relationships, like this:
The apparent commonality of this outcome leaves me wondering:
What’s the point of agreements like this? That is, why request them in the first place? And, are they actually an effective way to achieve that goal?
My theory is that “just tell me before it happens” agreements are, like many of the other agreements/requests/demands people make when pursuing open relationships, an attempt to regain a feeling of control over a situation you really can’t control.
If your partner is deepening their relationship with someone else, seems natural to experience anxiety. Maybe the new relationship will pull them away from their relationship with you... and there’s nothing you can do about it.
So, “just let me know before it happens,” so I can mentally grit my teeth and emotionally clench my fists, and feel more prepared for what the outcome might be.
But there are obvious and common reasons your partner might break that agreement, here are two off the top of my head:
And the breaking of which might cause more damage than if you’d never made the agreement in the first place, and instead discussed, sat with, and processed your understandable anxiety.
But I haven’t been in this situation myself, not yet. I’d like to hear the perspectives of people who have!
). But I read a lot of threads where people create some sort of agreement about being informed about their partners’ other relationships, like this:- “Tell me before you have sex with them.”
- “Tell me before you spend the night.”
- “Tell me before it escalates from casual sex to dating.”
- Until the next day.
- Until the next month.
- Until you ask them point-blank.
The apparent commonality of this outcome leaves me wondering:
What’s the point of agreements like this? That is, why request them in the first place? And, are they actually an effective way to achieve that goal?
My theory is that “just tell me before it happens” agreements are, like many of the other agreements/requests/demands people make when pursuing open relationships, an attempt to regain a feeling of control over a situation you really can’t control.
If your partner is deepening their relationship with someone else, seems natural to experience anxiety. Maybe the new relationship will pull them away from their relationship with you... and there’s nothing you can do about it.
So, “just let me know before it happens,” so I can mentally grit my teeth and emotionally clench my fists, and feel more prepared for what the outcome might be.
But there are obvious and common reasons your partner might break that agreement, here are two off the top of my head:
- They don’t really want the constraint in the first place.
- Sometimes (often) our feelings change faster than we realize / communicate. Like, it’s not unbelievable that if your partner is having a hot night with their date they might have sex for four hours and then fall asleep in each other’s arms, and yes, they DID agree to stop and text you before sleeping over, but... they’re only human.
And the breaking of which might cause more damage than if you’d never made the agreement in the first place, and instead discussed, sat with, and processed your understandable anxiety.
But I haven’t been in this situation myself, not yet. I’d like to hear the perspectives of people who have!