Does this bug you?

*Bear with me please, I am SUPER new to the board and poly (in fact I still feel weird calling myself that) and so if I use the wrong terms or seem off base that is why*

I have a boyfriend, he is married. His wife and my hubby ARE NOT in a relationship (although they have had sex a few times). My hubby and his wife DO not have a bf or gf. Our marriages are both open. This is all fairly new and it's been ROCKY. Started out as a swinging relationship and from the get go was very intense between bf and I.

On to my question.

He gets ONE evening a week to come over and spend time with me. This was agreed on by all parties. He waits until my kids and his are in bed before he comes over. So this way we have four or five hours of one on one times and lots of sex. This is THE ONLY time we are allowed to have sex (once a week.)

That is not the part that bugs me.

His wife INCESSANTLY texts him while he is here. She KNOWS we only get one night, she knows he and I could possibly be having sex and she texts him anyway. I DO NOT initiate texts with him, this is to avoid my possibly interputing their time or something they may be doing. When he and I text it's almost ALWAYS because he initiates the text.

I finally broke down and got mad about it. Why? He and I were arguing about something and SHE knew he was coming over to resolve said issue. He and I are in a heated discussion, she texts, he stops talking to me reads the texts and then I say what was that all about?

His answer?

"oh she was telling me about this deal she found on sheets."

*blink*

*blink*

I lost my mind. I told him that while I REALIZE 100% that she is his wife and COMES FIRST...that it's incredibly hurtful to me when we are fighting that he will STOP talking to me to discuss sheets. She knew we were fighting and felt the need to text him about sheets. I get it if it were something important like something with the kids, or whatever but sheets? REALLY?


The texting thing has always annoyed me. But to text with her while we are having a heated discussion about sheets to me is just disrespectful on both parts.

Is it just me? Is this normal for poly relationships? Am I just being jealous?
 

just3

New member
It would irritate the crap out of me. My last bf actually looked and answered a text DURING sex. I almost killed him. bf wasnt in a relationship outside of ours but still felt the need to talk to a friend of his DURING! I was so pissed. It ruined the mood lol. IF there is a emergency with a kid etc that warrants a phone call not a text.
It is a respect issue. During your time he shouldnt be talking with his wife about sheets for sure lol. I would be having a discussion with your bf about it. Just because a text comes through doesnt mean it has to be read right then. Thats just my opinion anyway.
Chris
 

nycindie

Active member
Along with your rules about only seeing each other once a week, establish that he will not answer texts until he's heading home, or that she will not send any unless it is an emergency. There has to be some respect for your relationship with him. And that respect must come from both her and him. If they won't accept that, I would find that rather sad and wonder what place I had in his life if I was accorded so little consideration.
 

River

Active member
You can play at the rule thing which nycindie recommended, and that's fine, or you can all decide to grow up and be adults about this thing, in which case you will have need of only one rule: Love one another. I mean, 'cmon!, texting about sheets while with your other, and him texting back about it...?! That's unloving behavior on both sides. So, in my mind, is the rule about seeing each other once a week during certain prescribed hours. But that's none of my business. You do it however you want, but I'll say that if you're all loving one another you'll find that there will be less and less need for setting up rules for one another.

And get some polyamory books and read and discuss them. I'd not try auto mechanics without a manual or some training, and you don't seem to me to be a born natural at groking poly. So I'll keep my hands out from under the hood, and you do some reading up. And all shall be fine in the world.

===

It just occurred to me that my relationships don't involve rules like, "Don't bust the windows out in my house" and "don't deliberately scratch my favorite CDs with a fork" and "Don't throw cold water on me when I'm sleeping".... All of this stuff is implicit in loving relationships, and so is "Don't text me, or answer text messages, when I'm sharing precious intimate time with my partner." And I would say setting a rule like "don't see your other love but once a week for x number of hours" breaks the implicit premise of loving. A rule having to do with trusting your loved one to make sound decisions about spending time with their other partner. Yes, it is loving to ask for more time if such time is desired and the other partner is taking up a lot of one's time. That, too, is implicit in loving.
 
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It's so nice to have a place to come and ask questions. AHHHHHHHHH so nice.

The once a week thing is only for sex. I see him nearly every day. We can only have sex once a week per his wife.

Yes we have more rules than I like. This is why.

This started out as a strictly swinging relationship. His wife had issues from the start though.

Each time she would exhibit behavior that made me think she was uncomfortable with he and I (i.e. texting the whole time he is there, asking when are you coming home, changing social media statuses to things like "home all by my lonesome") first he would talk to her about it and she would claim to not have an issue and would blame it on something unrelated.

I finally decided to have a sit down talk with her about a month into this (things were NOT serious with he and I at that point) and I explained why I thought she was uncomfortable and told her I would end things immediately if she was not comfy with me for whatever reason. I did not want to cause an uproar. She even said to me she really was fine and blamed it on everything under the sun except being uncomfortable.

Fast forward three months later, a huge blowup ensued between the two of them and she told him she wanted him to end it. This did NOT go over well because for the three to four months during this NO MATTER WHAT we did she continued to say she was fine with everything....then it turned into a relationship.....that at that point she wanted to end. After a huge long discussion she agreed that she would TRY to accept the relationship that had grown but that she was not sure she could and that we had to STOP having sex.

We stopped.

We were allowed to talk and still see each other but NO sex. This was hard. This went on for six weeks. I was angry that I opened myself up to this relationship with him for her to back track and say "well I was never okay....even though I said I was."

I nearly walked away during that time. It was very difficult but the relationship he and I had was important and he and my hubby had become pretty good friends.

She eventually said we could start having sex again but only once a week. We have stuck to that....and I don't like it but my feelings for him and our relationship was more important so I just deal with it.

We all hang out in a group setting and this works well. She and I get along fairly well considering.

I told him that the texting thing had to stop and the last time he came over she didn't text him while he was here.

We have had many bumps in this road and I am sure we will have more. The BF really does mean well but I think he is just as confused as I am. She says she's okay with he and I but I just don't know.
 

Mohegan

New member
I'd be pretty pissed. I try to not call Karma at all when he is with someone else. Occasionaly I will, if it can't wait. But for the most part, that's their time. We actualy got in the habit of Karma calling when he was heading home to see if I needed him to pick anything up.

I'm sorry but texting over sheets, regardless of who you are with is kind of a sad waste of time.

I'd talk to your b/f or his wife if you guys are able to, and ask her to pull back a little. If this is new for all of you, she may not have realised that it is infringing on the small amount of time you have together.

As for the one night a week thing, I get it if this is all new. She is probably easing into it to try and make the transition easier. I've eased up quite a bit now that the newness has worn off and I have adapted to things. I'm not against schedules, they keep things from getting crazy. But the rigidity of her schedule seems to be a bit much.

Maybe its time the two of you have a chat?
 

Mohegan

New member
Sorry just read your last post. It defintaly sounds like she is adjusting. Especialy if she didn't text after he talked to her. Sounds like she wasn't aware it was an issue. Some people can't put themselves in that spot and realise it. That's where the communication comes in. Im sure it's hard to be so restricted, but your patience will pay off if she really is trying.
 
Oh that's the reason I have not just walked away because I do see that she is trying and in some ways things are so much better. There are still a few things that irritate me though and I find myself resenting her because of certain actions.

He has to ask each time before we have sex and that infuriates me. We really have honestly stuck to the once a week thing but it MAKES ME ANGRY that he has to ask permission like he is five. This leaves ZERO spontanity for us. He says he just does that as a kind gesture to her. He says that she didnt tell him he had to but if he is here and things get hot, if he has not asked her we don't have sex. PERIOD. I hate this and I am trying to just deal with it. I want to talk to her about the whole POLY thing but it's tough. I don't even think he has actually said the poly word to her. She knows we have a relationship but I believe that she wants it to remain the way that it is. Her having control over when/how/why etc and me sitting here waiting around all the time. IT drives me batty. I only THINK that and I could be totally wrong.


Sorry just read your last post. It defintaly sounds like she is adjusting. Especialy if she didn't text after he talked to her. Sounds like she wasn't aware it was an issue. Some people can't put themselves in that spot and realise it. That's where the communication comes in. Im sure it's hard to be so restricted, but your patience will pay off if she really is trying.
 

redpepper

New member
I can hear the resentment in your posts. Might is suggest that you view this differently and encourage the others to do the same? Boundaries are a good thing, but not about ownership over others and not if they aren't fluid. Your "rules" are fluid but one sided. You all have the right to have boundaries, so express them and be grateful that others listen and do their best to oblige. Eventually the need for such strict "rules" will subside and turn into communicating immediately what needs there are before assumptions and expectations seep in. It takes patience and a lot of time. Let this resentment you have go. I don't think it serves anyone to project that out into the world. You are fucking her husband. She didn't siign up for an emotional attachment when you started this. Be empathetic. How would you feel?

This is all very new. Have patience! Go at the pace of the one that is struggling the most (ie. her). Breath and remind your self that there is lots of time and there will be lots of struggles. This cell phone thing is pretty minor compared to most issues that land on the doorstep here. Read around and see. I think you should be grateful that things are moving forward at all.
 
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I also would have only been mad at my boyfriend, and not his wife, in this situation. Nobody said he had to read or respond to the texts, and even though you have problems with what is going on with the current rules and all, it doesn't seem fair to blame her for his behavior.

The fact that you told him it had to stop and he didn't get texts the last time seems to me that his wife is respectful of this, and it either 1. didn't occur to her that it was a problem because you didn't mention it to bf earlier and let him know it was a problem for YOU or 2. she assumed he wouldnt be enough of a ninny to answer if he was busy being intimate with you.

I hope you all are able to keep finding new comfort levels with the explicit permission for being sexual though. Don't be afraid to ask to renegotiate the things that are bugging you, although if you do get to see each other for sex once a week, I am a bit confused about how he has to ask permission to have sex with you, and can't if he hasn't asked, since it's a set sex date night?
 

ZeroDrakken

New member
The only thing I'm curious is if she does this textbombing thing when you AREN'T alone too. It may be that she's just a constant mindless communicator and can't stand not to share her thoughts and feelings - interrupting your special time is not cool, but if she's also doing it when he's at work, out with his non-sexy friends, in the car, at the store... etc... than I'd suspect it's less malicious intent and more that she just doesn't know when to shut up. If that's the case, while it'd bother me and I might be inclined to ask him to power down the phone (or at least go on mute), I think I could forgive it. If, however, her behavior is isolated to (or at least greatly explodes in frequency during) the special time you guys have set aside, that'd bug me too.
 

Minxxa

New member
I dunno... but hubs' GF is like this. She texts nonstop all day long every day. I went to visit him and I was all good with her texting because I didnt' want to be "no, you cannot speak to him while I'm here". And yet she texted ALL THE FREAKING DAMN TIME I was there. Literally... every hour or two , pictures, texts.... the girl can't be alone.

That freaking bugged me eventually. They just spent a weekend alone, and I didn't text ONCE in three days.

Why do I have to be the one to be respectful????
 

sagency

New member
In my experience, it seems the younger people are, the more likely they are to text constantly instead of normal, human conversation.

It seems to me that hubby is part of the issue in that he hasn't set a boundary with wife. If she texts, fine, but his replies just reinforce the behavior. If it's important, call. If not, don't expect a reply until later.

On some level, this overall story concerns me. I just get a vibe that wife is not ok but playing along because she feels like she has to. Constant texting could be a way in her view that's an acceptable lash out without admitting that she's bugged. Simply put, I think everyone needs to be more direct and make sure all are on the same page and that they have boundaries and stick to them.

As is, it sounds like you're getting only the inches of ground she begrudgingly concedes, and that's not a long-term plan.
 
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nycindie

Active member
I also would have only been mad at my boyfriend, and not his wife, in this situation. Nobody said he had to read or respond to the texts, and even though you have problems with what is going on with the current rules and all, it doesn't seem fair to blame her for his behavior.
Yep.

I have an LDR with a married poly guy, and we text each other almost every day. Generally we have an understanding that neither one of us needs to text back right away. If he's busy, he's busy, and nothing is that important for me to need an answer right away! I know it could be hours before he replies to a text. But we are old people, so we don't have to be constantly texting each other, and sometimes I even leave my apartment without my phone!
 

gwendolenthefair

New member
I am wondering what the source of your boyfriend's wife's very obvious jealousy might be.

Is it possible that your boyfriend and his wife are not having a lot of sex themselves? Or that she has a high libido and he isn't keeping up with her? Could she be jealous simply because you are getting something that she isn't getting much of, or enough of?

I've struggled with jealousy myself in my primary relationship and I have discovered that I'm fine with sharing something I already HAVE, where my needs for that particular thing are being met. However, if the other person is getting something I'm not getting, or not getting enough of, jealousy ensues. I am still working on this after five years of being actively polyamorous.

I am also wondering what the circumstances are that enable you to see your boyfriend almost every day. Do you work together? If not, how do you manage to have so much couples time together when you both have young children? I am raising kids too and I have almost never managed to see a secondary partner more than once or twice a week, unless we were away the rare weekend together or met at social events. And both my former secondaries were local too, no more than 15 minutes from my house.

Is it possible that the wife isn't getting much "just me time" of her own, or much quality time away from the kids with her husband, and the sexual restriction she is placing on you two is a response to that? Again, this would be a case of you getting a lot of something she is not getting, or not getting much of.

Vis a vis the texting thing, would she text in an emergency or would she call? If she would call, then all he has to do is turn off the texting alert when he is with you and set his phone aside. He does not need to read them at all when he's with you. If he's reading them and responding to her, he's enabling her in her rude behavior.
 

River

Active member
nycindie;92507 said:
... and sometimes I even leave my apartment without my phone!

OMG! & yr hd d't xplde!?!?
 
I can hear the resentment in your posts. Might is suggest that you view this differently and encourage the others to do the same? Boundaries are a good thing, but not about ownership over others and not if they aren't fluid. Your "rules" are fluid but one sided. You all have the right to have boundaries, so express them and be grateful that others listen and do their best to oblige. Eventually the need for such strict "rules" will subside and turn into communicating immediately what needs there are before assumptions and expectations seep in. It takes patience and a lot of time. Let this resentment you have go. I don't think it serves anyone to project that out into the world. You are fucking her husband. She didn't siign up for an emotional attachment when you started this. Be empathetic. How would you feel?

This is all very new. Have patience! Go at the pace of the one that is struggling the most (ie. her). Breath and remind your self that there is lots of time and there will be lots of struggles. This cell phone thing is pretty minor compared to most issues that land on the doorstep here. Read around and see. I think you should be grateful that things are moving forward at all.

I agree with EVERYTHING you said. EVERYTHING. You are 100% in the right. I think all those things myself. How would I feel in her place? Those are the times I remind myself that I HAVE to be more empathetic. Sometimes it's hard and I do find myself saying "she could have stopped this long ago" but she allowed it to continue. That gets us no where though so I do have to stop thinking that way. This is a huge adjustment for all of us.

Just for the record though...this cell phone thing....is NOT the biggest of our problems. It was my first post so I wanted to keep it as mild as I could to start. This IS a small thing in comparison and I totally agree with that. I am trying to let go of resentments and be more open.
 
I also would have only been mad at my boyfriend, and not his wife, in this situation. Nobody said he had to read or respond to the texts, and even though you have problems with what is going on with the current rules and all, it doesn't seem fair to blame her for his behavior.

The fact that you told him it had to stop and he didn't get texts the last time seems to me that his wife is respectful of this, and it either 1. didn't occur to her that it was a problem because you didn't mention it to bf earlier and let him know it was a problem for YOU or 2. she assumed he wouldnt be enough of a ninny to answer if he was busy being intimate with you.

I hope you all are able to keep finding new comfort levels with the explicit permission for being sexual though. Don't be afraid to ask to renegotiate the things that are bugging you, although if you do get to see each other for sex once a week, I am a bit confused about how he has to ask permission to have sex with you, and can't if he hasn't asked, since it's a set sex date night?

It's never a set day during the week. Just depends on everyone's schedules. They come over here often (like their second home) and we do the same. There are often times he comes over alone for whatever reason and in those cases when things spontaneously began they had to ABRUPTLY stop. We can have oral sex as much as we want but penetration is just once a week.

I had mentioned the texting thing to boyfriend months before we had the blow up. That time I had gently said something like what is up with the texting constantly. What is going on? He was very short with me and just said that he had told her at one time she could text him anytime and he would answer no matter what. I just let it go because I thought that was lame and didnt want to argue. Months LATER when he and I were arguing and he stopped talking to me to answer the infamous "text about sheets" is when I finally exploded about it. He did tell me after that, that he had discussed it with her and when I asked what she said he got a very uncomfortable look on his face and I just said NEVERMIND if your that uncomfortable telling me what she said I probably don't want to know. sigh. I suppose they discussed it furthe, days later because it was then when he came over and she wasnt texting him like crazy anymore. As far as her not realizing that the texting was a problem I doubt that. Reason being is that this was her exact way in the beginning that she would blow up our night. Meaning he would ask to come over, she would say fine, then he would get here and the texting and trying to guilt him home would start. This went on for a while. It's better now though. Please also understand she has permission to do whatever she wants AT ANY TIME however she chooses. When she is "playing" she has zero rules really. ZERO. This whole rule thing began with her hubby and I.
 
I dunno... but hubs' GF is like this. She texts nonstop all day long every day. I went to visit him and I was all good with her texting because I didnt' want to be "no, you cannot speak to him while I'm here". And yet she texted ALL THE FREAKING DAMN TIME I was there. Literally... every hour or two , pictures, texts.... the girl can't be alone.

That freaking bugged me eventually. They just spent a weekend alone, and I didn't text ONCE in three days.

Why do I have to be the one to be respectful????

WOW SOUNDS LIKE ME. The days I know they are having just "them" time I DO NOT text him at all. Nothing. I have gone days without talking to him at all because I knew they were having their time together.
 
I am wondering what the source of your boyfriend's wife's very obvious jealousy might be.

Is it possible that your boyfriend and his wife are not having a lot of sex themselves? Or that she has a high libido and he isn't keeping up with her? Could she be jealous simply because you are getting something that she isn't getting much of, or enough of?

I've struggled with jealousy myself in my primary relationship and I have discovered that I'm fine with sharing something I already HAVE, where my needs for that particular thing are being met. However, if the other person is getting something I'm not getting, or not getting enough of, jealousy ensues. I am still working on this after five years of being actively polyamorous.

I am also wondering what the circumstances are that enable you to see your boyfriend almost every day. Do you work together? If not, how do you manage to have so much couples time together when you both have young children? I am raising kids too and I have almost never managed to see a secondary partner more than once or twice a week, unless we were away the rare weekend together or met at social events. And both my former secondaries were local too, no more than 15 minutes from my house.

Is it possible that the wife isn't getting much "just me time" of her own, or much quality time away from the kids with her husband, and the sexual restriction she is placing on you two is a response to that? Again, this would be a case of you getting a lot of something she is not getting, or not getting much of.

Vis a vis the texting thing, would she text in an emergency or would she call? If she would call, then all he has to do is turn off the texting alert when he is with you and set his phone aside. He does not need to read them at all when he's with you. If he's reading them and responding to her, he's enabling her in her rude behavior.

I will answer in parts.

1. Her sex drive currently is very low for some medical reasons. This should resolve soon (within a month or so I guess).

2. We see each other daily because they literally live less than five minutes from our house. We are almost a blended family without being one. It's very warped and we have not all sat down and discussed this fact other than when one of us will jokingly say occaisionally "wow we are really weird you guys.". This statement is usually followed by something out of the ordinary that would only happen in a poly family setting. They watch our kids, we watch their kids when needed. I am a stay at home mom and for the time being they are both off work but again will be back in a few weeks (situation has too many personal details or I would say exactly what it is).

3. Wife does get "just us" time with him and if whenever she asks for more she gets it. They have date night at least once a week and they do have a sitter readily available for free.

As for him enabling the behavior I agree and I honestly think he just feels torn and isnt sure what to do. There are times I think she has issues with he and I and then she makes decisions like moving less than five minutes from us when in reality she could have moved 45 minutes away. ? So confusing.
 
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