Don't know whats right, don't know what to feel.

AlbionMoonlight

New member
I just need to share my story somewhere. I am fairly blind to online communities or forums or resources for polyamory, and I'm not one to reach out to strangers for help. Bear with me...

My partner and I have been a strong and committed monogamous couple for almost five years. We've had some rough spots, but never any break-up scares or intense arguments.
In November of last year, she met someone. A mutual acquaintance of ours, not technically a friend though. She approached me about the idea of "opening up the relationship". Only after discussing the idea for a few hours and agreeing to give it a shot did she admit her feelings for him. Well, I said, okay, that's fine. Let's give it a shot.

Since then... it's been hard.
We set up a few, reasonable rules to help us make the transition:
Be home before midnight, Don't sleep over with a partner, Use protection, Don't date friends.
These were just preliminary boundaries we set for each other with an indefinite sunset-clause. However, without discussing them with me, she broke almost all of the boundaries. I found out later. She stopped using a condom and didn't tell me. She house-sat for a friend and had him stay the night. She stays out till 2, 3 or 4 in the morning when she's with him.

More than that, it's been tough for me to adjust to the new dynamic from the start. I've voiced my concerns and heartaches, been honest about my jealousy. Yet I feel like every time my feelings were brought up, she talked me back into feeling like everything's okay, "we are liberated, we are defying the status quo"... things like that. I can agree with her, mostly. But I couldn't deny that it was hurting me to see someone I loved and trusted for years, walk out the door to be with her new partner.

I felt ignored, I felt shameful for being so vulnerable and "needy", I felt practically insane with depression and loneliness.
She has seen him 2-3 times a week consistently. Even during our hardest times, even when the idea was put forward for her to take a break from seeing him so that she and I could reconnect and reevaluate our situation, she still saw him consistently.

The situation now is this:
We don't want to leave each other, we still feel devoted to one another. She loves me. She loves him. Our sex life has plummeted. We live in separate rooms of our apt. The only thing I could do to not lose her was to give up. I had to give up caring about what was best for me. I gave up wanting compromise or equality. I gave up speaking out on my own behalf.
I surrendered and put faith in her, that she knows what she's doing and will find balance.
I've sought a life outside of our relationship since. Have started dating, even though it's a bit terrifying. This has eased my jealousy and anger and separation-anxiety, so to speak. Though I am still conflicted.

This is just such a jumble in my head. The last seven months have been a whirlwind. There is so much more to the story, but I guess these are the bare facts. My apologies if this is a confusing or trite post.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi AlbionMoonlight,

It sounds like your partner has taken the reins and doesn't care about getting your consent. It also sounds like she's up to her chin in NRE. Which doesn't excuse her, but it helps explain the mechanism that's at work. She's not noticing your distress, it's not important to her. She is neglecting the relationship with you, in favor of feasting on the relationship with the new guy.

All this means is that you know what your choices involve. If you don't break up with her, then you're going to have to endure this treatment of you by her. Arguing with her about it will only yield a big argument, and she will do what she wanted to do anyhow.

I'd say you could wait out the NRE, but by the time it goes away, a precedent will be established: namely that you are a willing doormat and that that is your role in the relationship. Even if she breaks up with the new guy, she'll probably go looking for someone else to replace him, so she can retain that NRE high.

I don't have any advice for you, and you probably already know everything I've said in this post. So sorry you find yourself in this sucky situation. :(

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you struggle.

I mean this kindly ok? You might not like what you hear. :eek:

I think there is NRE and then there's taking advantage. I think you have the latter. I can understand being new and making some mistakes but dude... HOW many dings have there been?

We set up a few, reasonable rules to help us make the transition:
Be home before midnight, Don't sleep over with a partner, Use protection, Don't date friends.
These were just preliminary boundaries we set for each other with an indefinite sunset-clause.

Reasonable enough. And keepable.

However, without discussing them with me, she broke almost all of the boundaries. I found out later. She stopped using a condom and didn't tell me. She house-sat for a friend and had him stay the night. She stays out till 2, 3 or 4 in the morning when she's with him.

She broke a mess of agreements then. Violated trust.

Did she also share sex with you without telling you she'd gone bareback with someone else since the last time you two had sex? If so? She is putting your health at risk.

You cannot give informed consent when she does lies of omission. This is NOT loving behavior.

More than that, it's been tough for me to adjust to the new dynamic from the start. I've voiced my concerns and heartaches, been honest about my jealousy. Yet I feel like every time my feelings were brought up, she talked me back into feeling like everything's okay, "we are liberated, we are defying the status quo"... things like that.

She could try to talk you into things.

AND you could still not agree. Could take some personal responsibility for yourself and your well being.

If she's building a reputation for having a flimsy Word? Don't trust. Here she sounds like she's gas lighting you. Do you know what what is?

I couldn't deny that it was hurting me to see someone I loved and trusted for years, walk out the door to be with her new partner.

It hurts because you do NOT trust her. You would like to, but you cannot. You do not feel safe here. She's been hurting you. Could stop telling yourself you trust her. Don't tell yourself stories. See clear.

I felt ignored, I felt shameful for being so vulnerable and "needy", I felt practically insane with depression and loneliness.

That is very serious. :( If choosing to date her like this is so bad you end up with depression? YOU COULD STOP doing this. She can keep on if she wants, but you don't have to. Your consent to partiicpate belongs to you.

Why are you your own self bully? Could stop shaming yourself and calling yourself names like "needy."

If someone is hurting you, it is NORMAL to not trust them. It is perfectly reasonable to feel like crap and not like it when you are treated bad. You have worth, dignity, and value. You do NOT deserve to be hurt.

You are not "being" vulnerable. You are IN in a vulnerable situation. Your feelings smoke alarm is working fine and showing "Beep! Beep! Bad here! Warning!" You could listen to it.

You are dating a person who is hurting you. She says one thing (love stuff) but does another (hurt stuff.) And when you tell her to stop? She keeps ON dinging you.

Rather than try to ignore or disarm the smoke alarm? You could either put the fire out, call for help, or simply get out to safety.

You getting mental illness stuff like depression from dating her like this could be a HUGE red flag that you have to STOP being here.

But I do not see where you use your legs to walk away and put more distance in there.

I think you need to put your foot down with yourself. Be more honest with yourself. And behave with some dignity and some self respect. Bring back looking out for your own well being.

Tell her you cannot date her like this, and use legs to walk away and move out. Or ask her to move out.

You could tell her to look you up again if she ever gets herself together and can manage to date you nicely. But if she's just too rough/flaky right now to be poly-dating her? You get dinged up lots? YOU STOP dating her so you can be free of dings.

Don't date her til she's smoothed out her rough edges. She doesn't have to be smoothing them on your hide.

If she comes back asking to date you again? Make her show you the money first. Don't take her back on if she's still all rough and UGH to date with broken agreements everywhere. She's just not safe for you to date like that. You are better off loving her from a distance or in memory so she's not dinging you again. If she's toxic? Just don't bother.

I get that you love her and probably don't want to walk away. But you know what? That's called "ending things with regrets." And you walk away anyway. For sake of your own well being.

You do new behavior so new feelings have a chance to ensue. Give your brain and heart a chance to catch up. The love will fade down in time. There's other love out there. Love doesn't have to come with this much pain. :(

Please take better care of you. :(

Galagirl
 
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AlbionMoonlight

New member
Is it out of line for me to ask her partner if he knew about our agreements? Shouldn't he know that he is being made complicit in this narrative?
I don't want to scare him off or whatever, but I get the feeling that he doesn't know the whole story. I admit, even if he did know, maybe he wouldn't care...

I want to thank you for your responses, though the advice to leave her is scary hard advice to hear. That decision brings concerns of a total overhaul of my life, financial, social and otherwise.
We built a life together. Moved across the country and back. We work part time jobs and scrape by in a burgeoning city...

Hardships must be endured I suppose. To make the connection, I guess it would be just as hard to stay in this relationship as it would be to find a new place and move out...

I admit, she has violated my trust, broken my heart. But she tells me that my flip-flopping on whether her relationship with him is OK or not, and my frustration and depression have caused her to lose trust in me. She doesn't trust me. She tells me that my emotional uncertainty makes her feel like she's being manipulated. That's the last thing I want to do.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Nope. She's playing you, dude. Having sex with a stranger with no condom is a HUGE no-no in polyamory. Staying out until the wee hours, or housesitting a friend and having new guy over all night, when she agreed to no overnights is incredibly rude. Telling you you're insecure and manipulating HER, when you're sitting at home while she does whatever she goddamn pleases is dishonest and shitty behavior. Wow.

You're seeing a side of her you didn't expect. It's sad. Anyone would be depressed. This isn't polyamory (loving more than one with the consent of all). It's cheating. Do you want to date a cheater? No? Then walk away. Grow a pair and walk.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Dude can look out for himself. Because even if he didn't know? You make him aware and he's disgusted and walks away for his self care and well being?

You still have the same problem. Agreement breaking GF who hurts you bad, breaks your trust and breaks you heart.

What are YOU going to do about YOUR self care? Don't distract yourself from attending to your self care.
Keep focus even if it feels hard and unpleasant.

That decision brings concerns of a total overhaul of my life, financial, social and otherwise.
We built a life together. Moved across the country and back. We work part time jobs and scrape by in a burgeoning city...

Well, it is YOUR life. You can overhaul it many times if you want. That's neither here nor there in terms of whether or not this relationship is HEALTHY for you.

One does not stay in unhealthy things because it is hard work after the break up.

One does not stay in unhealthy things period. Because they are not healthy.

Hardships must be endured I suppose. To make the connection, I guess it would be just as hard to stay in this relationship as it would be to find a new place and move out...

Staying is not just as hard. Worse.

There's ending it, which is hard, but at least STOPS the crazy.

Or staying, which is hard, but there's no end in sight to the crazy. And you already have been doing a round of depression. And your trust is already broken, and your heart is already broken, and you spirit seems on the way to breaking.

What is left to break? Your legs? Where do you draw the line? :(

When there is no rose smelling choice and all the choices stink? Pick the least stinky. Leave.

I admit, she has violated my trust, broken my heart.

Then why stay? You deserve to be treated well. Do you not believe that?

But she tells me that my flip-flopping on whether her relationship with him is OK or not, and my frustration and depression have caused her to lose trust in me. She doesn't trust me. She tells me that my emotional uncertainty makes her feel like she's being manipulated. That's the last thing I want to do.

That's called blame shifting. If she really has "lost trust in you" and feels "manipulated" why's she sticking around? She has legs. She could walk away for her own self care.

I think she's does not want to talk about her behavior and take responsibility for it. So she flips it around on you. Blowing fog at you so you are confused.

See clear:
  • She wants to do whatever she wants even if it hurts you.
  • She wants you to take it with a smile and not complain at her about her poor behavior.
  • Because when you complain it makes her feel yucky. She just calls is "emotionally manipulated."

This is loving and healthy behavior how? :(

  • SHE is the one doing behaviors that break down trust when she does not keep her agreements.
  • And she is playing head games with you so you stick around being her doormat.

Neither is loving and healthy behavior done toward you.

Walk away. Even if hard or scary.

I am very sorry you deal in all this because it just stinks. But it still has to be dealt with.

I strongly suggest you firm up and get you out of mess so you can heal and feel better.

Galagirl
 
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GardenMinstrel

New member
I'm with the majority here: You're not in a good situation, and the person you love isn't acting toward you in loving ways.

I know that I'm only seeing one side of this - yours - but when she starts gaslighting you and making her actions about *your* behaviors, that's crossing a line from "being inconsiderate" to "being emotionally abusive." I know, because I've been a victim of that.

Do you want to be a victim of abuse? Do you want to keep enabling her by making excuses for her atrocious treatment of you?

It's okay to love someone who treats you like crap; a lot of people do it. Thing is, you can continue to love them while disengaging from the crap treatment. I love a lot of people; I no longer interact with some of them. And that's okay.

Love yourself first. Do like they tell you to do on airplanes: Put your own oxygen mask on first.

In your shoes, I'd be looking for affordable ways to live somewhere else and otherwise disentangle with this toxic, unreasonably-selfish person.

But it's your life, and I wish you the best in figuring it out. Let us know how it all sorts out over time.
 

KC43

New member
You are being treated poorly, and by not acting and taking the blame on yourself, you are enabling your partner to continue treating you poorly.

You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to be with someone you trust.

Going to her other partner behind her back would not solve anything, and would put you on her level. You would betray her trust by going behind her back. Not that she necessarily deserves to be able to trust you when she is betraying your trust, but do you really want to drop to that level?
 

Ravenscroft

Banned
Why "behind her back"? How many adults are involved? How many of them are at all emotionally mature?

Back when I was married to Anna, I fully expected that if she had a problem with one of my relationships, she'd easily sit down with the two of us & open a conversation. I would've done the same for her.

This might have panicked that lover -- bland honesty did occasionally frighten members of our social circle, but most felt privileged to be readily included in the process.

A full-on "intervention" never actually happened. In part, I think that's because we were so willing to go there.
 

Spork

Active member
What concerns me about you going to the Other Partner and speaking your mind is this...

It seems to me that you have an incredibly weak front towards YOUR partner and your rights in the relationship. You've taken the "roll over and do anything to keep her" role. Which lets her abuse you and your rights in the relationship with utter impunity. She can do anything she wants, and you have to take it because the alternative is unthinkable to you (breakup.)

In situations like this, it is tempting to jump the chain of communication and go confront the person you DON'T care about. So what if you upset them, right, maybe they'll just go away? Reminds me of mono couple where a spouse cheats, and the other spouse instead of confronting partner about the bad behavior, goes and beats up the 3rd party to satisfy their bad feelings, and tries to then exert control over the cheater spouse.

Even sans the violence, you are not addressing things with the partner, but rather going to the 3rd party, it's actually an unproductive and cowardly thing, and it usually only ends in one way...a breakup of the original relationship.

Think of it, she's all NRE wonky over dude and you go talk to him about how she's breaking agreements, what if he decides to end it with her? You really think he'll vanish and she'll be all yours and it will be good again? Nope. Dudes often overlook this fact...if you win the contest against the other man, the woman is no mindless prize that will fall into your hands. She will be upset, and she will LEAVE, or she'll find other ways to make your life hell if she doesn't.

So. You fix this with her, or you split. That's all there is to it. Stop martyring yourself to her. Stop letting her gaslight you. Draft your own relationship Bill of Rights for your own wellbeing and don't let her tell you that you're not being cool, that you aren't following her liberated script, and that you're being manipulative...because you do have the right to be RESPECTED and that's not what this looks like.

The other option is to reformat the relationship. I understand you have life entanglements. She is doing relationships elsewhere, and you are now trying to date as well, and that's helping you cope some... Maybe you can transition to a "friends and roomies" thing, and take your emotional wellbeing out of her hands. It's something I would personally consider, but I know that with some folks (men especially) it's difficult to let go of a love-bond and keep a friend-bond. Is that an option for you?
 

opalescent

Active member
My partner and I have been a strong and committed monogamous couple for almost five years. We've had some rough spots, but never any break-up scares or intense arguments.

Since then... it's been hard.
We set up a few, reasonable rules to help us make the transition:
Be home before midnight, Don't sleep over with a partner, Use protection, Don't date friends.
These were just preliminary boundaries we set for each other with an indefinite sunset-clause. However, without discussing them with me, she broke almost all of the boundaries. I found out later. She stopped using a condom and didn't tell me. She house-sat for a friend and had him stay the night. She stays out till 2, 3 or 4 in the morning when she's with him.

More than that, it's been tough for me to adjust to the new dynamic from the start. I've voiced my concerns and heartaches, been honest about my jealousy. Yet I feel like every time my feelings were brought up, she talked me back into feeling like everything's okay, "we are liberated, we are defying the status quo"... things like that. I can agree with her, mostly. But I couldn't deny that it was hurting me to see someone I loved and trusted for years, walk out the door to be with her new partner.

I felt ignored, I felt shameful for being so vulnerable and "needy", I felt practically insane with depression and loneliness.
She has seen him 2-3 times a week consistently. Even during our hardest times, even when the idea was put forward for her to take a break from seeing him so that she and I could reconnect and reevaluate our situation, she still saw him consistently.

The situation now is this:
We don't want to leave each other, we still feel devoted to one another. She loves me. She loves him. Our sex life has plummeted. We live in separate rooms of our apt. The only thing I could do to not lose her was to give up. I had to give up caring about what was best for me. I gave up wanting compromise or equality. I gave up speaking out on my own behalf.
I surrendered and put faith in her, that she knows what she's doing and will find balance.
I've sought a life outside of our relationship since. Have started dating, even though it's a bit terrifying. This has eased my jealousy and anger and separation-anxiety, so to speak. Though I am still conflicted.

Generally when agreements are made (or rules or similar word), and they are immediately broken, often the agreements were ones that could not be kept and were fundamentally unworkable. This happens a lot and I usually recommend throwing out the rules and talking with each other to see what everyone can actually do.

However, what also happens a lot is that agreements are set and are immediately broken, because the partner breaking them is going to do what they want to do regardless. Sadly, you appear to be in the latter situation.

One key to recognizing which situation one is in, is to look at your language. See the areas I bolded above? She broke agreements without prior or after discussion with you. (This happens - it's not always a deal breaker but let's return to the rest of your post.) You brought up your feelings, concerns and were ignored. Not only were you ignored you were presented with the 'fact' that you should feel 'cool' because doing what she wanted was somehow liberating, non-status quo. She might indeed feel liberated and adventurous. But dismissing your concerns this way is a very bad indicator of how she feels about the relationship with you.

She continues to make agreements with you and ignores them completely while doing what she wants to do. This is a sign of dishonesty and lack of trustworthiness on her part. It's hard to talk to a partner about what one really wants. That is often difficult. However, this is a continuing pattern of agreement-making and then quickly breaking those agreements, again without bringing up her concerns with you. Maybe she isn't an agreements type of person. Some people aren't and there is nothing wrong with that. However, those people often quickly learn that they just can't make agreements they will break anyway.

It sounds like your strong, monogamous relationship had fractures that were not obvious. This does not look like a loving relationship, nor one where there is devotion or respect. Actions count way more than words, or even love itself.

And the fact that you either felt driven to give up caring about yourself, gave up trying to discuss your feelings and concerns, gave up trying to get a compromise, gave up standing up for yourself, is the death knell of respect for yourself, both inwardly and outwardly. You will not respect yourself for doing these things. She certainly won't treat your sacrifice with any respect or tenderness, based on what you've described so far. Indeed she will likely ignore it. Your faith in her is likely sadly and tragically misplaced. She is not acting like a faithful person.

Sometimes, people try open or poly relationships and realize they actually just want out of their current relationship. It seems likely she has come to this realization, is too cowardly to tell you that directly, and is now treating you badly, perhaps as a way to get you to break up with her.

I suggest you take her up on it.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I agree with opalescent, sometimes it is better just to break up with the other person. :(
 

clalb

New member
I´m sorry you´re going through this.

I went through something very similar lately and I really feel you. Your partner´s reactions, acting as she wants (no matter how you feel about it), breaking your golden rules and also telling you to be cool - my ex partner did it all. I also reacted as you did; thought it was me, that I actually was so happy in the relationship it was worth it sticking around and trying to be cooler. Deal with my insecurity, anxiety attacks alone. I did in fact talked to the person he was having his high NRE with and had sex without protection with. If you´re like me, I don´t think you want to get him out of the picture, but you just want to understand if everything is clear for everyone; if your partner is telling the truth to everyone and everyone knows what the boundaries are.

What happened is, they didn´t get any better. Even when the NRE person droped out - she realized she didn´t want to be in a relationship that wasn´t safe for her and left. Because the relationship wasn´t safe for me and I was going way beyond my limits - because, you know, as I was asking for so little, I thought he would finally realize that and then everything would be good again.

I remember getting similar advices from the ones you´re getting and thinking: "they´re so wise. But it´s so difficult. And actually, he is a nice guy, it´s me who´s being needy/insecure/anxious/whatever".

I stayed for almost a year. Then I had a massive breakdown and that´s when I finally cut the ties. I went through my post and I seriously wish I have had the strenght to walk away when everyone was telling me to and I couldn´t see it clear enough. It would have been easier and not as painful as having this breakdown.

Walk away now. Put yourself first. You deserve to be loved, respected. Recognize and respect your own limits.

(it´s very long, but maybe it will help you to see things clearly if it´s talking about someone else: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=74781)
 

Ravenscroft

Banned
I don´t think you want to get him out of the picture, but you just want to understand if everything is clear for everyone
My impression as well. While it's generally used as a pejorative, triangulation is not necessarily a bad thing, & is probably a necessary learning phase in the emotional growth of children. Sure, some people latch onto using it as a divisive trick, but I figure there's lots of people who never learn how to use it in a sane, healthy manner.

Maybe in a thought-locked relationship, blocked from bringing in an objective third party (therapist, counselor), triangulating is the only remaining path to possibly break up the groupthink.

And I'm kinda surprised that nobody's suggested that there's ALREADY plenty of negative triangulation going on, with the SO probably playing the "you're so much better than" game with friends, family, & fuckbuddies.
 

anamikanon

New member
I begin with a disclaimer, I know next to nothing about polyamory though it seems I've always believed in it. I named it last night when I joined this forum.

But I understand people, opportunism, heartbreak, broken trust.

From what I understand, you agreed to something she really wanted with some reserve (rules to be followed) over things you couldn't handle. This was agreed upon by both of you and broken unilaterally by her.

Separately from this, your relationship with each other has deteriorated as well - which can be a complex thing without knowing the whole picture.

You still love her and are trying to cope by creating some alternative source for affection that you're feeling starved for. It isn't what you really want - from the sound of it. Your personal inclination does not appear to be about multiple partners at this point.

Making a wild guess here, because you say you are both still certain about the relationship. A new hormone laden relationship can be overwhelming, as can be the freedom to do something wild. Whether she settles back into some form of acceptable normalcy with you is unpredictable at this point, but it is entirely possible she does not intend to hurt you but is simply caught up in her own experience at this point. Dysfunctional as it is for your relationship.

One thing to try doing could be a reality check. Withdraw consent for polyamory if she cannot stick to what she has agreed to. Without that, at least in theory you are in a monogamous relationship you were committed to - both of you. Explain that you needed those agreements because you were supporting her wish to your best, but your feelings have to be cared for too and you are a person who chose to support her in something that wasn't your game because you loved her.

In a way it forces the question. If she is simply distracted but committed to your relationship, it should make her think things more clearly and bring up the importance of clear boundaries and trust with more emphasis than the first time around. If she is simply using shared accommodation to act single, then that needs to come upfront too.
 

Tinwen

Active member
One thing to try doing could be a reality check. Withdraw consent for polyamory if she cannot stick to what she has agreed to. Without that, at least in theory you are in a monogamous relationship you were committed to - both of you.
That's not easy. You don't have power over the other people, only over your actions; so if you "withdraw consent", you must be ready to leave if agreements aren't restored and followed.
 

anamikanon

New member
That's not easy. You don't have power over the other people, only over your actions; so if you "withdraw consent", you must be ready to leave if agreements aren't restored and followed.

How worse would that be from the suggestions for breaking off? He'd have to be ready to leave/evict/split anyway At least provides a check point before things escalate in yet another direction.
 

Tinwen

Active member
How worse would that be from the suggestions for breaking off? He'd have to be ready to leave/evict/split anyway At least provides a check point before things escalate in yet another direction.
Looking that way is not worse.

The point is, I don't like the reasoning of "if you withdraw consent, it's in theory back to the diade". (It sounds a little like veto power - please forgive me if it's me making too many assumptions here.) There is already a third person in the picture. If OP withdraws consent to poly, it's not at all clear things go back to diade, neither in practice nor theory - the spouse will have to decide, which relationship to preserve, or if they go single now.
You cannot say "I am withdrawing consent" and expect that your partner ought to follow because they are committed. That's a manipulative gesture then (see a recent discussion about veto power for the subtleties). The only way to really withdraw consent is being ready to break up.

Having said that, I do think such a decision might be beneficial to the OP.
 

anamikanon

New member
The point is, I don't like the reasoning of "if you withdraw consent, it's in theory back to the diade". (It sounds a little like veto power - please forgive me if it's me making too many assumptions here.)

I don't see how it is a veto. There was a consent obtained from an otherwise disinterested person on the basis of very specific rules. If she has broken the rules, she has invalidated the consent herself.

There is already a third person in the picture. If OP withdraws consent to poly, it's not at all clear things go back to diade, neither in practice nor theory - the spouse will have to decide, which relationship to preserve, or if they go single now.

Is that not what I said? That it only forces the question? Not predicts the result?

You cannot say "I am withdrawing consent" and expect that your partner ought to follow because they are committed. That's a manipulative gesture then (see a recent discussion about veto power for the subtleties). The only way to really withdraw consent is being ready to break up.

Having said that, I do think such a decision might be beneficial to the OP.

It may be manipulation in the sense of doing something to achieve a specific result, but the result is not forced on the partner. The idea that a partner who breaks trust should get away with it is more coddling in the name of avoiding telling them what to do than it needs to be. OP most certainly has a right to expect terms promised to him.


There is a third person in the picture, but the idea that unless the rules are broken, the third person will somehow be harmed by OP is absurd as well. His partner could choose to keep her word like she originally should have. If she doesn't, then the third person is party to the betrayal of OP if he knew, or got into a bad relationship with a cheater if he didn't. Fail to see how OP's fault.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Anamikanon, I just tried to call caution, not put anyone at fault. I don't think our standpoints are very different. This looks like a potentially long and not very useful discussion, so I'm stopping here.

I hope we'll hear an update from the OP soon.
 
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