So I've browsed here for a while, and most of the posts I see are from people who are in pretty long-established relationships, and I'm in kind of a budding situation. Mostly I just feel the need to talk about it, and get input/perspective from people who are more familiar with polyamory than my friends.
So I started seeing a guy a few months ago -- he's polyamorous and very up-front about it. When we met he had a girlfriend, but she broke up with him very shortly afterward. So he's been single, and heartbroken, and also seeing me and another woman. At the beginning it was very clearly a rebound, casual thing with both of us, with very little expectation that anything would develop, but as he's started to get over his ex and begin to think about forming new relationships, the question arises: what place do we each have in his life?
So far, he's been seeing each of us on pretty much the same level, a night or two a week. He talks to me about her (which I want) but she doesn't want to hear about me. I'd like to meet her, he'd like us to meet, but she's very hesitant. He tells me she keeps bringing up concerns about my relationship with him -- not that he's with someone else (she says she's fine with that) but that I'm so inexperienced sexually (true) that I don't really know what I want, and that I'll eventually want him to be exclusive with me.
I tell him, and I think he believes me, that while I acknowledge I don't have it all figured out yet, I've been honest so far about what I want, and that if I ever feel like I want monogamy I'll know it's not going to be with him. But apparently she still has these worries, and it irritates me. I get that she's worried and struggling with trust, but I feel like the best way to deal with those worries is to actually meet me, talk to me, and know who she's dealing with.
Anyway. She also dates other guys, but she seems to be comfortable with the kind of non-monogamy where the various parties don't have a lot of contact with each other, or hear about each other. I am absolutely not comfortable with that in the long run -- I want my partner's partners to be close parts of my life, whether or not I'm romantically involved with them too (I think I'm probably bi, though again, too inexperienced to say for certain.)
He and I have talked of late, and although I really really hate to do the "I'm not sure if she can handle this" thing that she's been doing, I finally had to voice my concerns on that score. It seems to me that she's not comfortable with the kind of relationship that he and I both want (all of us talking and spending time together, not a sharp divide between the two wings of the V), and that ultimately, it's going to come down to either her or me. I don't want him to lose her, but I don't know what else can be done. I've made it very clear that I don't want to compete with her, I want to get to know her, and she's just thinking differently I guess.
So. Any words of wisdom?
So I started seeing a guy a few months ago -- he's polyamorous and very up-front about it. When we met he had a girlfriend, but she broke up with him very shortly afterward. So he's been single, and heartbroken, and also seeing me and another woman. At the beginning it was very clearly a rebound, casual thing with both of us, with very little expectation that anything would develop, but as he's started to get over his ex and begin to think about forming new relationships, the question arises: what place do we each have in his life?
So far, he's been seeing each of us on pretty much the same level, a night or two a week. He talks to me about her (which I want) but she doesn't want to hear about me. I'd like to meet her, he'd like us to meet, but she's very hesitant. He tells me she keeps bringing up concerns about my relationship with him -- not that he's with someone else (she says she's fine with that) but that I'm so inexperienced sexually (true) that I don't really know what I want, and that I'll eventually want him to be exclusive with me.
I tell him, and I think he believes me, that while I acknowledge I don't have it all figured out yet, I've been honest so far about what I want, and that if I ever feel like I want monogamy I'll know it's not going to be with him. But apparently she still has these worries, and it irritates me. I get that she's worried and struggling with trust, but I feel like the best way to deal with those worries is to actually meet me, talk to me, and know who she's dealing with.
Anyway. She also dates other guys, but she seems to be comfortable with the kind of non-monogamy where the various parties don't have a lot of contact with each other, or hear about each other. I am absolutely not comfortable with that in the long run -- I want my partner's partners to be close parts of my life, whether or not I'm romantically involved with them too (I think I'm probably bi, though again, too inexperienced to say for certain.)
He and I have talked of late, and although I really really hate to do the "I'm not sure if she can handle this" thing that she's been doing, I finally had to voice my concerns on that score. It seems to me that she's not comfortable with the kind of relationship that he and I both want (all of us talking and spending time together, not a sharp divide between the two wings of the V), and that ultimately, it's going to come down to either her or me. I don't want him to lose her, but I don't know what else can be done. I've made it very clear that I don't want to compete with her, I want to get to know her, and she's just thinking differently I guess.
So. Any words of wisdom?
; it can be tricky to hear a struggling lover make suggestions/demands and hold your ground. I'd say that as long as he's continuing to take care of you that way, and her issues aren't damaging your relationship with him, then the distance between you and her gives you the luxury of letting her work out her issues at her own pace. 
