ED and a sexless marriage

asj31us

New member
Hello All,

I am new here, out on the web, searching for others to talk to and discuss with and get whatever collaboration I can to understand what I believe is a very very unique situation.

I will just list all the major items in my message here. It's just difficult without being able to talk about it... so here goes.

My wife and I are both 66 yrs. young, married 40 years, with one son in his 30s. My wife and I live alone and do not have much money. She is only working part time and I am currently unemployed and looking for work.

This is a sexless marriage, and has been for as long as I have had my ED. I appear to have the symptoms of erectile disfunction due to several factors. I had my prostate removed from cancer in 2010. I have high blood pressure and also type 2 diabetes.

We tried to have sex a few times but it wasn't working, so it just stopped all together.

My wife has never really been into anything sexual, for many years, even when we were younger. It's like she has a low libido and I have a high one. Even though I do not get hard, I can still have an orgasm. It takes a good imagination and porn helps me to bring it alive, although in my mind, and I need it at least every 5-6 days. I can reach orgasm and it just works.

My wife goes to bed earlier than me so I can have my headphones on and have my freedom to satisfy my desires and true needs and wants. They are real needs. Also I visited a shop and purchased a strap-on and lube for any future encounters. I thought this could be a way to also satisfy A PARTNER and myself.

Well, I feel better to get this message out there. I need to talk with someone about this. It's difficult to keep it in, so I am searching and searching and searching to find friends and be open with all kinds of free open discussions. Thank you for being on this planet. I have much love here for everyone.

Hope to chat soon,
J
 
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Hello All,

I am new here out on the Web searching for others to talk discuss and whatever collaboration i can get to understand what I believe is a very very unique situation.

I will just list all the major items in my message here ...its just difficult without being able to talk about it... so here goes.

My wife and I are both 66 yrs. young, Mairried 40 years, one son, in his 30's , my wife and I live alone and do not have much money she is only working part time and I am currently unemployed and looking for work.

This is a sexless marriage. and has been for as long as I have had my ED... I appear to have the symptoms of Erectile Disfunction due to several factors... one I had my Prostate removed from cancer in 2010. I am with High Blood Pressure and also Type 2 Diabetes.. We tried to have sex a few times but it wasnt working so it just stopped all together. This is also true....my wife has never really been into anything sexual for many years...even when we were younger....its like she has a low libido and I have a high one. Even though i do not get hard I can still have an orgasm....It takes a good imagination and the Porn helps me to bring it alive although in my mind...and i need it least every 5-6 days.... I can reach orgasm and it just works. My wife goes to bed earlier than me so i can have my headphones on and have my freedom to satisfy my desires and true needs and wants... its real needs. Also I visited a shop and purchased a strap on and lube for any future encounters.. I thought this could be a way to also satisfy A PARTNER and my self... Well I feel better to get this message out there. Need to talk with someone about this its difficult to keep i in so I am searching and searching and searching to find friends and be open with all kinds of free / open discussions. Thank you for being on this planet. I have much Love here for everyone.... Hope to chat soon... - J
Welcome to the forum.

What I'm reading is that you and your wife aren't having sex, so you watch porn and masturbate instead, and you purchased a sex toy for possible use with "A PARTNER." This situation is not really unique. It's actually rather common. Have you and your wife been discussing the various forms of non-monogamy and how you think it could benefit your situation?
 
Greetings J

So what has brought you to polyamory.com? You possibly imply that you might be wanting a sex partner other than your wife, but that's not what polyamory is.

Have you discussed your desires with your wife? Talked with her about what she would feel comfortable with regarding you having other partners, or at least turn a blind eye to?
 
Welcome to the forum.

What I'm reading is that you and your wife aren't having sex, so you watch porn and masturbate instead, and you purchased a sex toy for possible use with "A PARTNER." This situation is not really unique. It's actually rather common. Have you and your wife been discussing the various forms of non-monogamy and how you think it could benefit your situation?
Anything would be good for me. We don't talk about sex anymore or have any relationship conversations. Thank you.
 
Greetings J

So what has brought you to polyamory.com? You possibly imply that you might be wanting a sex partner other than your wife, but that's not what polyamory is.

Have you discussed your desires with your wife? Talked with her about what she would feel comfortable with regarding you having other partners, or at least turn a blind eye to?
We are only on the surface with these types of conversations. Things have just changed over the years. We have grown totally apart in many areas, especially sexually. Thank you for responding. :)
 
Welcome to our forum.

I take it your testicles were removed and was your penis left intact? I guess I'm confused, as you said you bought a strap-on, but you also have ED. Where does the "erectile" aspect reside, if not in your penis? But if you still have a penis, what will you do with the strap-on? Is that mainly for your partner to wear? I'm sorry I'm so confused; I'm not very knowledgeable about these kinds of things.

Sincerely,
Kevin
 
I believe he said prostate cancer not testicular cancer.
 
Anything would be good for me. We don't talk about sex anymore or have any relationship conversations. Thank You.
Basically, the advice we tend to give around here is...talk to your partner/s. Effective communication is basically the first principle of polyamory. Some would say it's the second and third principle too. Because without the communication you cannot make or alter relationship agreements.

You may also feel like you want to clarify what it is that you want to communicate before you attempt to do so. And learn about ways to communicate that are more likely to result in effective discussions.

But really, your options are basically 1. talk with you wife about ethical non monogamy, 2. don't talk with her and just cheat, or 3. retain the current status quo. Since you've found this site you're probably considering option 1 even if you don't fully know it yet.
 
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The surgery for prostate cancer often damages some nerves in the genital area, which can lead to decreased sensation, decreased "responsiveness" (including erectile function), inability to orgasm, and/or urinary incontinence or retention. The OP reports that he is still able to orgasm, although perhaps not so much through physical stimulation, (?) but mental stimulation aided by porn (audiovisual) stimuli. This suggests, to me, that he may be able to orgasm with an interested partner as well, although native penis-in-orifice (vagina or other) doesn't seem to be in the cards. Testicles are not affected by prostate surgery (or vasectomy, for that matter) and still produce testosterone, which is a major driver of libido.

Erectile dysfunction is incredibly common as men get older and often have more health problems. Hence the popularity of the "little blue pill"! But PDE5-inhibitors (like Viagra/sildenafil and Cialis/tadalfil) work best on "vasculogenic" ED and cannot be taken if you are on certain medications. "Neurogenic" ED may be treated by other means, such as surgical implantation of penile implants (which include a reservoir in the scrotum which is used to inflate the penis manually), intracavernosal injections or urethral suppositories of various sorts, vacuum devices and use of a constriction ring ("cock ring"), or a combination of these.

They do make strap-on dildoes specifically for men with ED, which are hollowed out to accommodate the penis. But anyone can use a strap-on. Depending on the harness a strap-on may be positioned over or above the existing penis, but can also be strapped on to a thigh (for instance). And, of course, dildoes can be used manually!

The other, more concerning, aspect of the OP's post is the sexless marriage, growing apart, and, what sounds like, lack of interest in addressing these things on the part of his wife. Sadly, this too is a not uncommon problem, but does not have an easy answer.

The simplest (not easy) answer is to admit that your marriage is essentially over and separate. You and your wife are no longer having (deep) conversations about your sex life and relationship, have grown apart, and your child is grown. Are you then more like roommates that are financially dependent on each other? What are your job prospects? Do you qualify for social security? Ethically pursuing sex and intimacy outside of your marriage requires that you have the REALLY REALLY HARD conversations that it requires.

This is a polyamory forum, so the focus is on multiple "loving" relationships (including, for some, non-sexual ones) with the consent of all involved.

Does your wife know that you watch porn? How does she feel about that, okay, as long as she is unaware when it is happening? I say this because some people consider porn as a type of cheating (I disagree), especially if it is being "hidden." Paying sex workers is a possibility if you are looking for purely sexual release, but requires $$$ and would still require difficult conversations in order to be ethical. Cheating is NOT ethical and NOT recommended.

I'd be happy to discuss further, but the advice here is generally tailored for poly (romantic love encouraged) as opposed to sex-only types of ethical (consensual) non-monogamy. (Not saying there isn't crossover!)

JaneQ
 
I don't see where this thread relates specifically to polyamory, so I moved it to Fireplace. This topic seems to be erectile disfunction and a sexless marriage, both of which can and do happen to the general public very commonly. The title "Different" is not even accurate, as this problem is so common, so I will edit it to reflect the topic.
 
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