Effective communication

GalaGirl

Well-known member
If she would have told me literally from our second date that she wanted a GB with her and a bunch of guys, and that was an occasional semi frequent thing, I would have walked. I would have said I'm sorry but in no way is that enjoyable for me.

Did this change any?

If you broke up and got back together so quickly...

Make sure you aren't back together from habit. Or because dealing with break up feelings is ugh. Or you feel lonely.

I can explore that yes, but we are done now. She is a bit too much for me I think. I know there are other women out there who would be happy enough with MFM.

Cuz that didn't change in a few days.

We called it quits yesterday. Honestly I will really miss her, but I probably need someone more on my level. I am ok with swinging or light poly, but I can't handle what she wants in life. She wants total freedom to do as she wishes with her body but she doesn't seem to realize that it's my body too, and what she does directly effects me.

Does she still want to be like a free agent? And not deal with your preferences?

Are you going to be more vocal about the things that affect you?

I wish she started us off with MFM. I could have started with that then tried MMMF or MMMFF. MMMMMF is just an entirely different experience IMO. I would need to be way more comfortable with myself, and everyone to be ok with that.

Are you going to stop wishing? And just SAY what you can deal with and cannot deal with? Because she cannot be a mind reader. And you telling her isn't bossing her around. It's making her aware of where you stand.

Did you tell her what you actually MEAN when you say "light swing" or "light poly?"

What's going to make the second attempt different?

Not saying any of that to be mean. Just saying... make sure you think this out. And if you ARE going to give this a second try, get around to having the honest conversations you could have had from the beginning to assess compatibility.

Do the work so it really is like "reaching greater understanding and turning over a new leaf." And not just "dragging out a break up." YKWIM?

Galagirl
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Hi OP, thank you for the further information. It does not sound as if you were being as dishonest as I had thought.

I think you have to figure out if you can be comfortable with your girlfriend doing sex stuff/kink scenes/group sex on her own when the particular scene/fantasy doesn't interest you. I am non-monogamous because I believe everybody has some kinks or fantasies that their partner (or partners) might not share, and they might want the freedom to pursue that on their own--and it really doesn't have anything to do with their partner. Non-monogamy at its best gives each person the free agency to explore their own sexuality while still loving their partner.

If you are grossed out by bodily fluids, it's not your partner's job to fix that. It's not her job to have no fantasies that involve fluids. It's not her job to accommodate your fears in a scene that you're not participating in. It's not her job to help you slowly work up to being comfortable in a scene that you'll never actually be comfortable in.

It sounds like you had an expectation that you were supposed to be involved in/participating in any group sex scenes that she would do, just because of your own jealousy, not because you actually enjoy any of these scenes. Is that right? Is there any way you can rethink this?

My partner is a super sexual person who is into a lot of kinky stuff that I am not into. Some of the stuff he likes is actively a turnoff for me, and some if it I even find gross/disturbing/unpleasant. Well, I don't have to do anything that is a turnoff or gross to me. He has the freedom to do that without me there. I don't participating in, or even watch, anything that would be gross to me. Nor am I jealous of it--it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. What he does with his own body does not affect me. (Except for STI risk, which we can mitigate by practicing safer sex and frequent testing, etc). I don't think about, imagine, or picture what he's doing when he does sex or kink without me.

I would strongly encourage you to recognize that your girlfriend's sexual interests and fantasies are separate from you. Some she'll share with you--some are not compatible with you. Why can't she just do those without you there? Why do you feel it affects you so strongly?

If you really would have not continued dating her if you'd known about the gangbang fantasy earlier--what do you want to do about it? Do you want her to give it up to accommodate you? Or can you accept that she can sometimes do group sex without you there?
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
If she would have told me literally from our second date that she wanted a GB with her and a bunch of guys, and that was an occasional semi frequent thing, I would have walked. I would have said I'm sorry but in no way is that enjoyable for me.....Well, I would love for you to have that experience, but I get a really bad feeling from it that makes me want to throw up. I will be very hurt by it, as it isn't an activity I can participate in and I want to be involved".
OK, so you're back together because you're insanely attracted to her and presumably care for her. (I'm not judging - been there!) Now what? She didn't enjoy that gangbang so much but there are plenty of group situations and infinitely more people who very well would be much more pleasing for her. What is your plan for the next time she proposes something that makes you want to vomit? Again - not judging, just asking. Wanting to vomit is a very strong message from the body about where our boundaries lie. Will you listen to your body next time or will you try again to override the information?
 
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