When we are apart, she's with her #1 and I am out of sight/ out of mind/ on the shelf like a toy.
I notice you keep bringing this up. Does she say that to you? Or are you telling yourself that?
Along the way, she and I fell deeper in love than just a NSA casual sex rel and we are trying to figure out what that means. At least, she "says" she's fallen in love with me, but I'm more observant of how her actions make me feel than her words.
What kind or loving behaviors would you like her to start doing towards you?
What unkind or unloving behaviors would you like her to stop doing towards you?
What kind or loving behavior would you like to start doing toward yourself?
What unkind or unloving behavior would you like to stop doing toward yourself?
She said that if (or when) she and I were to break up, she would not be interested in finding other guys to date.
At this time. Are you prepared should that change? That she wants her DH, you as BF1 and some new BF2?
How much quality time do you need in a relationship to feel loved, cared for, that it's a worthwhile connection, etc?
I want a relationship that's more than a just NSA comet casual sex when she's horny and available (AT THE CURRENT FREQUENCY), but less than full on moving in, sharing chores and daily life responsibilities, and living in a Poly House
Sounds like you want a steady GF then. And not like a booty call or FWB.
Don't have to live together in some poly house. Not everyone wants that or is even compatible for cohabitation. I meant it more like eventually this relationship has to stop being so "guest-y/newbie" at some point, right? How long do you have to date each other for you to be able to RELAX in the relationship? Feel safe? Secure?
When do you start treating her like a regular part of your life? Like if she comes over to your place, when does she stop being "a guest" and just starts pitching in to wash the dishes and sweep?
I don't live with my close friends and don't plan to. But I think every single one of them has sat here folding laundry or helped run the vac. I've helped do same at their houses. Cuz if we want to hang out and do pizza & movie, we get there faster if the chores are out of the way. I don't have to serve them a drink like a totally brand new guest. They can get it themselves from the kitchen -- they know where I keep everything. They don't have to ask to use the bathroom. They know where it is. Sometimes it's errand dates and they take their farmer market produce to their home and I take mine to mine. But going together to get this chore date done means we get some time together. YKWIM? My friends are a regular feature in my life.
So what does more than a booty call, less than living together look like to you? A poly GF who is a regular feature in your life would do... what with you?
Quote From http://cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/open.html
Pros and Cons of the Primary/Secondary ModelThis model is popular because it is the model most similar to traditional marriage and does not threaten the primacy of the couple. For most married or co-habiting couples, it is not such a stretch to have a few outside relationships as long as they know that the primary commitment is to the marriage. They can still be married, have children, live together, be socially acceptable, and "live a normal life", keeping their outside relationships secret from friends and family. It doesn't require making any radical changes in your lifestyle or your world view. One major benefit for many couples is that they feel secure that they won't be abandoned, because their spouse has agreed that outside relationships will be secondary. This is simpler and easier to organize logistically than other forms of open relationships. If there is any conflict over time, loyalty or commitment, the spouse always gets priority.
However, a major drawback of this model is that outside relationships are not so simple or easy to predict or control. Having a sexual relationship with someone else often leads to becoming emotionally involved and even falling in love, frequently causing a crisis in the primary relationship and even divorce. Initiating a sexual relationship is opening a door to many possibilities, and often secondary relationships grow into something else which does not fit neatly into the confines of this model. Many people who become "secondary" lovers become angry at being subjugated to the couple, and demand equality or end the relationship. For this model to be successful, couples must be very convinced that their relationship is strong enough to weather these ups and downs. Conversely, some couples who start with this model decide eventually to shift to some form of the Multiple Primary Partners model to allow secondary relationships to become equal to the primary couple relationship.
Are you bumping into this? You were ok last year being in a primary/secondary model. But now you are outgrowing it and want to know if there's the possibility of a co-primary model over time even if you aren't ever going to be a nesting partner?