I'm going to guess. I might guess wrong.In a most recent conversation with her, I asked if he overheard us having sex the last time I was there. She said, he hadn't mentioned it but would ask if he did. She added that if he did overhear us, she would ask how he felt about it. . . Was it bad . . or did he enjoy it? I thought to myself . . enjoy it? Seriously?
I wonder if you were concerned about being too loud and needed some reassurance from her that things were ok/quiet enough/not embarrassing/you are welcome in her home or whatever it was.
But you didn't articulate the need. Like why you care/worry if he overheard. You just asked if he heard.
And she was willing to go find out. From years of habit her focus was on her DH's feelings/needs rather than yours. Instead of asking clarifying questions to find out your need like... "Well, I could ask him if he overheard. Not really clear on why you need that though. Are you feeling ok about it? Did you need reassuring it was quiet enough or ok to be loud or ok that you are here in my home?"
And then you took it personally maybe? Because you are scanning for evidence to support the "He's her Mr Right. I'm Mr Right Now. I'll never matter to her like him" belief?
Rather asking her to please focus on your needs and explaining what your need is in this moment?
So then maybe it bothered you?
Is that true?
The conversation ended, but I that line stuck with me.
It is possible he feels compersion and that is it. Like... glad his wife is happy with her other partner. But no kinks around it.
Yesterday, I was explaining this situation (his seeing us together from the outset, his encouraging her for months, her wondering if he enjoyed overhearing us) to someone and they suggested that he is hotwifing. I looked it up and read about what it is and it's 100% aligned with my observations.
Maybe yes, maybe not.
All that in bold could also be him trying to be supportive and her being a newbie hinge and starting to date outside their marriage.
Don't jump to hotwifing conclusions before you actually confirm anything with him directly. Talk him directly or to both of them about it. Don't use your hinge like a go-between. That can lead to miscommunications.
And if you don't want to be overheard, don't share sex at her place when he's around. Or limit it to your place or "neutral" spaces like hotels. You DO have control over your life, you know.
Should I ask her to confirm if this is what's going on? And if so . . . is she is aware of the kink? if he is aware? have they've discussed it? when did they know? and why I'm "figuring it out" and not already been told? If anything, the most dealbreakering is if it was known, but not disclosed from the beginning. . . I'm feeling a bit "used".
Understandable to feel upset/used if you did not give consent to participate in anything like that and they are doing some sort of secret, unethical hotwife scene using you like a toy/spying or whatever.
But you know what? Roomies who are not dating or married have to deal with overhearing each other's sex noises when they have guests over. Like just regular life.
So... don't leap to conclusions just yet.
If he's straining to hear from another room, that's one thing . . but my mind goes to hidden baby monitor, perhaps video, perhaps he's outside their bedroom window peeking in? Now I've got all this in my mind to deal with too.
So... why does your mind do that? Are you good at calming your own self or do you let your feelings runaway all over the place?
You didn't meet them last night. You've been in this V with them a bit over a year. Do you not trust yourself to be a good judge of character? Does anything about his character suggest he's gonna be creeper like that? Does he treat his wife poorly? Like it would be ok to violate her privacy this way? Does he treat you poorly? Like he would violate your privacy this way?
Don't make it bigger than it is chasing anxiety thoughts like "what if this and that" and upsetting yourself further.
But do have a talk to clear some of these concerns up.
Most of what I read strikes me as ok enough for the age of the group, people are newbies but trying.
You struggling with whether or not she can give you enough of a poly GF relationship to still make this worthwhile or not. Because the NRE thing is fading and a comet FWB is not what you ultimately want.
So you either have to end it and move on and return to monogamy, end it and move on to date poly people who can give you more time/loving touch/a firmer place in their real life, or accept that's all she can give. A secondary FWB comet thing. So you keep seeing her, but in that context and don't try to remake her over into "poly GF." You seek someone else for that.
And all that is compounded by you being an anxious sort of person who worries a lot. And is looking to a newbie hinge to be the "leader" and provide stability rather than creating your own stability.
If you change your mind about letting this ride and end it? The whole hotwife worry becomes moot.
So yeah, it's a concern, but maybe you could try to deal with your concerns in order?
You decided to let this ride for now. (That was my impression.)
Ok. For how long? Give it another 3, 6, 12 mos? And in that time what do you need to be happier?
To talk to her about coming out, meeting friends and family, be more included in her life rather than "on the shelf." More time together so loving touch can happen (your main love language.) Setting some personal boundaries. You get she's a newbie too, but you don't want to hear so much about DH. You aren't dating him. You are dating her.
And for all that to happen? YOUR skill bucket to grow might involve becoming more assertive, taking up some space, and not rocking your own boat or chasing anxiety "what if this and that" thoughts.
Or if you are gonna do that, ANSWER yourself. Like...
What if I get caught in the rain? Well, that stinks, but I don't melt. I'll find a towel. And next time bring umbrella/check weather.
What if I run out of gas? Well, I have some gas right now, so I'll drive the gas station to fill up and then I don't have to worry later.
What if this is all there is? I can't have more than a comet FWB with her? I can make decisions.
- I can leave it how it is... and not date anyone else
- I can leave it how it is... enjoy it for what it is, and also start to date new people who can better meet my GF needs better
- I can end it.