Yep, sounds like a good arrangement to me.
Who knows . . like I said, People make strange choices. The Hotwife fetish was never confirmed, and I did ask him directly about it and he denied. Later, Hinge asked him about it and "she said that he was" offended by the accusation. So who knows . . . was it his "dirty little secret" that he kept from his Wife for 20 years? Hmm . . I dunno . . . seems unlikely . . especially for a guy that pretty open about all his other kinks and quirks. Maybe there's some "evidence" there, but more likely just coincidences and such and I've got an active imagination.When did he shift from either being this guy basking in compersion… or getting off pimping out his wife for a cuck / hotwife fantasy? ALL of a sudden he’s insecure And melting down ? WHAT happened and or what changed ? IT sounds like shining a light on that put a damper on his fun ? This whole thing was his idea right ?
Thank you.Hi Electrons,
I'm sorry to hear about your breakup with Hinge, it sounds like NP isn't really cut out for polyamory, and you ended up paying the price. You have been the second-class citizen from the very beginning, this just shows how much you have been willing to give, and how much Hinge has been willing to take. She needs to form a monogamous relationship with NP, so that other secondaries in the future don't get hurt. Do not let her hurt you more than necessary.
I don't think there is an average time. I don't think that's actually the right question. Different people will have different experiences during the newbie stage and how people grow into or out of their comfortability with poly is not necessarily able to be summed up by common factors (without an in depth academic research project, which I don't know exists).
People tap out for many reasons, although fundamentally if the starting point is "relationship broken, add people" then be that new person a poly lover, or a baby, or some other significant addition to their lives, then it's likely that somewhere along the way something will give/break. In your case, their foray into poly partners was what ended. Other times, the original partnership ends. Maybe their relationship wasn't broken and they truly went into poly open to it but discovered after the fact that it wasn't healthy for them, singly or as a couple. Shit happens. I'm sorry you are collateral damage but it's honestly not going to help you to dissect the experience. Instead, take it as a learning experience. Perhaps you have learned you don't want poly for yourself, even as a leg of a V. Perhaps you have learned you're possibly okay with people who aren't new to poly. Perhaps you've learned not to try and guess at someone's motives. Perhaps you've learned by being here and reading a variety of blogs that it's absolutely possible for people to live in long term, sustainable poly relationships when the neuroticism is dialled down. Or worked through.
We've likely all had teething problems somewhere along the line. The ability to keep communicating effectively is a massive key to making it work. But sometimes, it just won't. Sometimes the insecurities are just too much. A few years ago now I had to end it with someone I'd been seeing about 5 months. Not because of my husband, but because I wasn't enjoying the way the new person was treating me as his angst around my availability grew. Even more years ago I had to have help ending a non-romantic "friendship" as I realised that he was actually very manipulative. Not every relationship of whatever form is there for the long haul. That's the human experience. Personally, I'm good with the reason/season/lifetime approach, and all three end sometime. Once in a while, those endings must be deliberate. It's easier if it's your choice, but if it's not then for goodness sake, move on with dignity. You'll never actually know the nuances of their experience during this time, and your perception of your own experience is likely to morph with time and distance. The direction it goes is based on the stories you continue to tell yourself about the last 5 months. I hope you choose your narrative wisely.