Electrons Introduction

Electrons

New member
To sum up and wrap it all up for you that keep track of the Poly stats . . . It ends with another failure with lots of pain for everyone. Probably a tale as old as Poly Time . . . Couple way over estimates the strength and stability of their relationship and decides to open up to Poly. She's dating immediately, and he takes 2 months to find another partner. The whole thing lasted about 4 good months after that and all 4 people ended up getting a big slice of the Poly Pain Pie for the holidays.

As Secondary partner, I'm the fun one and Hinge kept coming home from dates with me all satiated and beaming for days.

NP was not able to handle his insecurities, had an emotional meltdown. Back story: apparently he's a weak, emotionally unstable, professional victim, who is prone to going to a depression 'dark space' from time to time. Also, he uses these as weapons to be emotionally abusive/ manipulative. In this recent meltdown, he suggested breaking up their Primary rel, to set her free, blah blah. . (insert alcoholic's drunken rant). NP also broke it off with the other woman that he was dating. so . . Both of them are hurting.

The Vee Hinge panics. Back story: apparently, she's a professional "saver", with a Hero complex who is always seeking a damsel in distress to rescue. Once finding a broken person, she slides into a co-dependency relationship. (I, the fun one, was providing a fantasy escape route from her stressful and drama full IRL) So . . he melts and she found herself forced to choose between loyalty to broken Primary and abandonment of pleasure Secondary. . . and well . . this was my OP concern now was it not?

She chose Primary. . . we had one more date .. it was super awkward and all her energy was neutral to negative, definitely not embracing and positive. Look in her eyes showed her fear . . that she has flipped her mindset, now sees me a threat to her Primary. Immediately after NP's meltdown, she reduced the already infrequent texts and communications to bland, unemotional, one word responses or nothing at all, cancelled future dates, putting me back on the shelf for good. She's a mess and now attends AA type meetings trying to save herself from herself.

Hinge and her NP . . sigh . . these 2 are a match made in Heaven , right? I do wish them the best of luck.

Me. Tears and more sighs. I can't say I didn't see this coming. TBT, I'm so saddened by all of this. I'm hurting, progressing thru the stages of grief for the loss of my friend and lover. . . as well as my own "being made to feel like a second class citizen" by Hinge's choice to abandon me, and especially in light that it was for (what looks like from the outside, and I'm more inside than outside) a horrible and broken relationship. People do make strange choices.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Electrons,

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup with Hinge, it sounds like NP isn't really cut out for polyamory, and you ended up paying the price. You have been the second-class citizen from the very beginning, this just shows how much you have been willing to give, and how much Hinge has been willing to take. She needs to form a monogamous relationship with NP, so that other secondaries in the future don't get hurt. Do not let her hurt you more than necessary.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
When did he shift from either being this guy basking in compersion… or getting off pimping out his wife for a cuck / hotwife fantasy? ALL of a sudden he’s insecure And melting down ? WHAT happened and or what changed ? IT sounds like shining a light on that put a damper on his fun ? This whole thing was his idea right ?
 

Electrons

New member
When did he shift from either being this guy basking in compersion… or getting off pimping out his wife for a cuck / hotwife fantasy? ALL of a sudden he’s insecure And melting down ? WHAT happened and or what changed ? IT sounds like shining a light on that put a damper on his fun ? This whole thing was his idea right ?
Who knows . . like I said, People make strange choices. The Hotwife fetish was never confirmed, and I did ask him directly about it and he denied. Later, Hinge asked him about it and "she said that he was" offended by the accusation. So who knows . . . was it his "dirty little secret" that he kept from his Wife for 20 years? Hmm . . I dunno . . . seems unlikely . . especially for a guy that pretty open about all his other kinks and quirks. Maybe there's some "evidence" there, but more likely just coincidences and such and I've got an active imagination.

I've gone back and forth on this idea . . .

At this point, if I were to bet, he overestimated his compersion from what he thought it would be like to let his wife get laid and what it actually was to have is wife fall in love with someone else along the way. Like I said above, she would come home "satiated and beaming" and he felt insecure.

Let me ask you forum readers. . . is that a mistake of the Hinge? Should she come home saying things like "I really love him" and "he makes me feels XYZ" . . . etc?

SO . . . what's happened and changed you ask . . . . . well. . . after awhile, that shit's gotta add up . . she's exhausted from the night before and dragging the day and sleeping the entire afternoon and early evening away . . . and you just don't wanna be doing the dishes alone anymore. How long can anyone be expected to put up with that, really? He overestimated, and time caught up with him.

Seriously, Forum experts. . . How long could anyone "new" to Poly, be expected to stave off the Green Monster ? What's the average time?

Hi Electrons,

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup with Hinge, it sounds like NP isn't really cut out for polyamory, and you ended up paying the price. You have been the second-class citizen from the very beginning, this just shows how much you have been willing to give, and how much Hinge has been willing to take. She needs to form a monogamous relationship with NP, so that other secondaries in the future don't get hurt. Do not let her hurt you more than necessary.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Thank you.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
I don't think there is an average time. I don't think that's actually the right question. Different people will have different experiences during the newbie stage and how people grow into or out of their comfortability with poly is not necessarily able to be summed up by common factors (without an in depth academic research project, which I don't know exists).

People tap out for many reasons, although fundamentally if the starting point is "relationship broken, add people" then be that new person a poly lover, or a baby, or some other significant addition to their lives, then it's likely that somewhere along the way something will give/break. In your case, their foray into poly partners was what ended. Other times, the original partnership ends. Maybe their relationship wasn't broken and they truly went into poly open to it but discovered after the fact that it wasn't healthy for them, singly or as a couple. Shit happens. I'm sorry you are collateral damage but it's honestly not going to help you to dissect the experience. Instead, take it as a learning experience. Perhaps you have learned you don't want poly for yourself, even as a leg of a V. Perhaps you have learned you're possibly okay with people who aren't new to poly. Perhaps you've learned not to try and guess at someone's motives. Perhaps you've learned by being here and reading a variety of blogs that it's absolutely possible for people to live in long term, sustainable poly relationships when the neuroticism is dialled down. Or worked through.

We've likely all had teething problems somewhere along the line. The ability to keep communicating effectively is a massive key to making it work. But sometimes, it just won't. Sometimes the insecurities are just too much. A few years ago now I had to end it with someone I'd been seeing about 5 months. Not because of my husband, but because I wasn't enjoying the way the new person was treating me as his angst around my availability grew. Even more years ago I had to have help ending a non-romantic "friendship" as I realised that he was actually very manipulative. Not every relationship of whatever form is there for the long haul. That's the human experience. Personally, I'm good with the reason/season/lifetime approach, and all three end sometime. Once in a while, those endings must be deliberate. It's easier if it's your choice, but if it's not then for goodness sake, move on with dignity. You'll never actually know the nuances of their experience during this time, and your perception of your own experience is likely to morph with time and distance. The direction it goes is based on the stories you continue to tell yourself about the last 5 months. I hope you choose your narrative wisely.
 

Electrons

New member
I don't think there is an average time. I don't think that's actually the right question. Different people will have different experiences during the newbie stage and how people grow into or out of their comfortability with poly is not necessarily able to be summed up by common factors (without an in depth academic research project, which I don't know exists).

People tap out for many reasons, although fundamentally if the starting point is "relationship broken, add people" then be that new person a poly lover, or a baby, or some other significant addition to their lives, then it's likely that somewhere along the way something will give/break. In your case, their foray into poly partners was what ended. Other times, the original partnership ends. Maybe their relationship wasn't broken and they truly went into poly open to it but discovered after the fact that it wasn't healthy for them, singly or as a couple. Shit happens. I'm sorry you are collateral damage but it's honestly not going to help you to dissect the experience. Instead, take it as a learning experience. Perhaps you have learned you don't want poly for yourself, even as a leg of a V. Perhaps you have learned you're possibly okay with people who aren't new to poly. Perhaps you've learned not to try and guess at someone's motives. Perhaps you've learned by being here and reading a variety of blogs that it's absolutely possible for people to live in long term, sustainable poly relationships when the neuroticism is dialled down. Or worked through.

I have definitely learned that I am Monogamous / Monamorous 100%. I could never do what they do in their portion of the Vee, as Hinge and NP. No way, not for me. Glad it's possible and sustainable for some, but it would not be for me.

Yes. . it is/ was "barely tolerable" to be the Secondary leg of Vee.

We've likely all had teething problems somewhere along the line. The ability to keep communicating effectively is a massive key to making it work. But sometimes, it just won't. Sometimes the insecurities are just too much. A few years ago now I had to end it with someone I'd been seeing about 5 months. Not because of my husband, but because I wasn't enjoying the way the new person was treating me as his angst around my availability grew. Even more years ago I had to have help ending a non-romantic "friendship" as I realised that he was actually very manipulative. Not every relationship of whatever form is there for the long haul. That's the human experience. Personally, I'm good with the reason/season/lifetime approach, and all three end sometime. Once in a while, those endings must be deliberate. It's easier if it's your choice, but if it's not then for goodness sake, move on with dignity. You'll never actually know the nuances of their experience during this time, and your perception of your own experience is likely to morph with time and distance. The direction it goes is based on the stories you continue to tell yourself about the last 5 months. I hope you choose your narrative wisely.

Oh this spin is so easy for me. . I had the time of my life. She was a beautiful, magic shooting star. Appeared out of nowhere, dazzled as she lit up my sky, faded as quickly as arrived, and left a lot of joy and happy memories in its trail.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I'm sorry their foray into poly to "fix their marriage" ended in pain and rejection for you. To be honest, when your meta told you you were "helping [their marriage] so much," it sounded like a red flag.

So he's an alcoholic and she's a white knight and now she's doing to AlAnon or something to learn about how she is contributing to their messed-up dynamic? Your role was to be a band-aid. That's rough. I am sure many of us can relate to getting entangled with one part of a couple who thought they were ready for poly, but really weren't. Personally, I've been on both sides: opening my marriage to poly (and ending my marriage btw), and trying to date one member of a couple that was not ready for a proper equal open relationship.

If this ends your participation here, I wish you well and lots of success in mono-land.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Electrons,

It sounds like Hinge gave NP more information (about you) than he really needed to hear, more perhaps than he wanted to hear. On the other hand, sometimes a jealous SO (NP) wants to hear every little detail, and resents it if they don't get that.

Everyone feels jealous from time to time, it is not just a monogamous phenomenon. It's not about whether one feels jealous, it's about how one handles/manages one's jealousy when one does feel it. I don't think NP handled his jealousy very well.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 
Top