Erections & Condoms with playpartners

Rani

Rani

New member
Hi All,

I was looking for someone who has the same experience as I have. Couldn't find a post (sorry if I missed it), so I signed up. Might've been a good move anyway. :) Buckle up, it's gonna be a long post.

My wife and I, in our 30's, together for 15 years, 2 kids, found out that we both want something different from sex. She likes it the way we have it. I, on the other hand, wanted to (but couldn't) experiment for years with other forms and other people. We finally started counseling, and figured out our different wants shouldn't stop us from being together. End result: I can play around with others!

We have talked a lot about it, and it's still a safe subject to discuss, but she just doesn't want to know with who, when, where etc. We have a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. She herself is not interested in having sex with other people.

For me, this is not an ideal situation. I would love to share my experiences with her, but I can't, and dating is difficult when you have to make up excuses. I don't want to lie to her, so that means in practice that I mainly go out for ''lunch dates'' during my freelance work hours.

In the past years since we've opened up, I was together with several women, and had some nice experiences, discovered some new kinks, met amazing people. But just about every time I had to put on a condom, I lost my erection. The times that PIV sex DID work, I had to stimulate (myself) so much to get hard enough for the condom, that the moment I entered her I came almost immediately. Furthermore, I've noticed that I need far more stimulation to get hard either way.

At home, when I have sex with my wife, or when I masturbate, I don't have this problem at all. I can be erect for a while, and when I lose it a bit, a quick stroke does the trick. But with most encounters outside of the house it ends with a bummer. So I tend to skip PIV all together. (Luckily I love giving oral.) Sadly, a couple of play partners have expressed that PIV sex is necessary for them to continue exploring as FWB's. I fear that because I can't deliver on THAT part, finding a steady FWB is nearly impossible.

I'm now at the point that it's stuck in my head. Every encounter I have I just hope to get hard enough for PIV, and when I don't it's a bummer. I generally tell them that 'I don't do penetration the first encounter,' hoping that the rest can win them over. I have used erection pills twice, and while I loved the result, they also gave me massive headaches, and I don't want to trust medicine to be able to have PIV sex.

I have different ideas about what the problem might be:
It could be the feeling that I am still hiding something from my wife (even with her explicit permission), aka Guilt Dick?
It could be that I'm actually not that attracted to any of these play-partners.
It could be that I'm just tired (2 kids, little sleep so maybe low hormones).
It could be purely mental, performance anxiety.
It could be that I have ruined my brain with porn. (I quit watching it a while back.)
It could be all of the above, or something else.

The weird thing is that I DO think back fondly on a couple experiences that were still very hot (with oral, for example). When I masturbate, thinking about these things makes me aroused. And when I used to sext with a girl, those exchanges also made me excited. So no guilt there...?

I also promised myself to talk to my wife about it, but only after our kids finally sleep through the night. There's a time and place for everything.

Anyways, I don't know what the question is here. Maybe somebody has had a shared experiences. I would love to read you replies.

Thanks so much for your time and attention.

x Rani
 
This is a common problem for male swingers. What helps is having sex with a condom with your most regular partner(s). In this case, your wife. Swinging couples are usually okay with doing that because it is in both of their interests for the man to be able to have protected PIV with other partners.

Do you know that you're not really attracted to the other partners you've had so far, or are you wondering if you're subconsciously not attracted to them?
 
Thanks for the reply! Good to hear I'm not alone in this (also a bit sad for the other guys).

I think condoms aren't the only problem here, as generally I need far more stimulus to get hard anyways. I have tried a condom with my wife, and though I don't really like it, it wasn't impossible.

And yeah, subconsciously. In the past decade+ I have told myself that - even though I do have a type - I could have sex with about anyone.. But maybe I can only have sex when I'm reaallly physically attracted to someone. Maybe only when I'm in love? Maybe I don't like sex as much as I thought? So many questions...
 
Your problem is complex. You met your wife as a teenager. Was she your first and only sex partner before you got married? If so, why?

Were you raised in a family culture where sex was depicted as kind of shameful, and mostly just meant for procreation?

I could be off base, but here's my theory right off the bat. Perhaps you're polyamorous, and demisexual, and really only able to have good sex/PIV with people you truly care about. But you're not letting yourself admit that you might love another, or more than one other person, besides your wife. So you are depending on mere lust to try and have sexual encounters. But because of your unique anatomy/psyche, your penis does not fully agree with going for sex just out of lust.

Added to that, your wife isn't totally on board with your adventures, so you've come up with a DADT arrangement, which makes you feel distant from Wife, finding a need to lie about your other encounters, etc.

Even if you can't or don't want to admit it to Wife (yet), maybe you can admit to yourself that you may love this or that lover you've had or will have. If you fully let go into love, perhaps a link will be made in your brain and in your hormones, and your penis will get on board and become happy and willing to do his job.

Why do you want to wait to talk about all this with Wife until after your kids are sleeping through the night? They must be very young-- babies, toddlers. Do you feel guilty going off and having affairs while the children and Wife need you so much? Do you feel you should be more devoted to the family for now and not splitting your love energies between them and the "strangers" you are attempting to bed?
 
We met when I was 19. I had had a couple of sexual partners, I was her first. We met very shortly after I finally understood that I was able to pursue people that I found interesting ('Hey, I'm wanted, nice!'). Me wanting to go open wasn't because I had NO sexual experience, but because I was just about to find out what more I liked. But then I met the love of my life, and it seemed like the end of the sexual exploration story.

I didn't grow up in any sexually restrictive atmosphere, not more than ''monogamy is the way to go'' anyways.

Yeah the demisexual thing could be an answer. But I don't recall if I ''loved'' all my ex-partners before I met my wife. And porn, for instance, has nothing to do with love, but it still gets me aroused...

Thanks for the great advice, certainly something I'm willing to explore.

And as for the waiting to talk about this specific thing. Yes, young kids, and the nights are rough. We are a great together, and actually feel closer than ever, but there's no time to talk about anything, to give it time and attention. ''Hey honey, my dick doesn't get hard when I'm with other women'' isn't something that feels right to discuss. It feels selfish. We have other matters to attend to.
 
Rani said:
We met when I was 19. I had had a couple of sexual partners, I was her first. We met very shortly after I finally understood that I was able to pursue people that I found interesting ('Hey, I'm wanted, nice!'). Me wanting to go open wasn't because I had NO sexual experience, but because I was just about to find out what more I liked. But then I met the love of my life, and it seemed like the end of the sexual exploration story.

I didn't grow up in any sexually restrictive atmosphere, not more than ''monogamy is the way to go'' anyways.

Yeah the demisexual thing could be an answer. But I don't recall if I ''loved'' all my ex partner before I met my wife. And porn, for instance, has nothing to do with love, but it still gets me aroused...

Thanks for the great advise, certainly something I'm willing to explore.

And as for the waiting to talk about this specific thing. Yes, young kids, and the nights are rough. We are a great together, and actually feel closer than ever, but there's no time to talk about anything, to give it time and attention. ''Hey honey, my dick doesn't get hard when I'm with other women'' isn't something that feels right to discuss. It feels selfish, we have other matters to attend.
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I think there is some room between the need to feel comfortable with a new partner for sex and the need to love them.

This is actually another thing that happens with male swingers when it comes to erections. Not only are pills like Viagra common in the swinging scene, but some men use these injections directly into the penis instead.

It has crossed my mind more than once, especially when said men say they don't have issues with their regular partners, whether swinging is actually for them. I think that they assume a "real man" would be able to just "get it up" when called upon by anyone (or any woman, at least), and it doesn't occur to them that their brain (and heart/soul) might need more than that to feel able to be as vulnerable as having sex.

When it comes to you and your situation, this could complicate things, because regular contact and familiarity with other partners aren't always compatible with a DADT-type relationship. Yet they are things that could potentially help, erection-wise.
 
What about female condoms? I have a prescription for them and it's totally covered by insurance. Then you are not the one putting it on, and I've heard it feels much better for men. They are also great for hard to fit men (pun intended).
 
I think all or any of the things you list could be factors in some way.

The psychological response created by having trouble once is enough to cause it again and again as your brain gets caught in the thought loop of "I hope I can get an erection, if I get one I hope I don't lose it" and that thought process alone is a boner killer. The pressure of having to get and maintain an erection is high and stressful. That stress alone is enought to prevent it.

Let's add the DADT to the mix. I know you are doing this at your wife's request. She is going along with something that makes her very uncomfortable, because she loves you and wants you to be happy, but hearing about it would make her very unhappy. As a compromise, DADT was agreed upon.

The problem is, you are now lying/hiding yourself, your life and who you are from your wife. Relationships are based on trust and vulnerability... really baring all and letting your partner know the most intimate parts of you. You will stop sharing this as a result of the DADT. Over time, you will grow apart. This decision won't make your relationship stronger, it will weaken it with every partner, experience, struggle you have that you cannot talk to your wife about. You will change and grow as a result of this change and she will be left behind.

I know you want to talk to her about this issue, as you should, but how can she help? She may feel a little good that you can't have PIV sex with others. She might feel guilty about that, because she loves you and wants you to be happy. But if she's uncomfortable and wants DADT, how could she give you advice on this?

All of this to say that maybe the DADT policy is affecting things and your dick already knows it. It's time to really do some soul searching to learn what's most important to you. Being in limbo, doing something your wife doesn't really support, which could weaken and even destroy your relationship, might not be the right solution for you.

If you really want to continue, you might consider a sex worker. They can give you what you are looking for, without a lot of complications or demands of PIV sex. Others will come with feelings, wants and needs that might not be sustainable in a DADT arrangement.
 
I'll just tell you what I'd do if it were me. It sounds like you and Wife were together for at least a decade before you had kids? Somewhere in that decade, not sure how long ago, you and she got counseling and agreed to open your marriage on your side, because you craved variety. You managed to find daytime play partners to fuck when wife was at work. Even though you had ED, you had some good sexy fun times.

More recently, your babies came along. You and wife are both exhausted because, like a lot of kids, yours aren't sleeping through the night.

Maybe it's time to take a break from pursuing other women, applying the DADT thing, and working on your ED problem altogether. You have a lot on your plate. Marriages change a lot when babies come along. There are so many new challenges, new skills to be learned, so little sleep, hardly time to have an adult discussion that lasts longer than 10 minutes, etc.

Many polyamorists take time off from poly-dating while the kids are under the age of 5 or so, when they can dress themselves, start going to school, play more independently, etc. If this sounds like it would actually be a relief, if you're quite honest with yourself, I'd tell you to go for it.

Your sex life with your wife has probably changed a lot, while she was going through the discomfort of pregnancies, and now you're both trying to get the kids to sleep. Maybe you've got a kid or two in your big bed, in fact, for all or part of the night.

Getting creative about how to have sex just with each other may be the best thing to work on. It's really important to keep at least a little romantic bond going when the kids are in this very needy phase. You seem to know this on some level. You may be doing your marriage a disservice to be going off and pursuing strangers when your wife needs your paternal care for the kids, your focused energy for work around the house, your psychological support, and some romantic loving too.
 
Hello Rani,

It sounds like you are uncomfortable with the DADT part of your relationship. You feel that you can't lie, and this leads to you limiting yourself to lunch dates and means that you can't have the kind of sexual interactions you really want. Or you can, but it is really difficult.

Condoms have somewhat of a reputation for hampering arousal -- they are, after all, a barrier to the sense of touch. So that could be at least part of the problem. There is also monogamous conditioning. Somewhere in your subconscious you may be thinking, "I shouldn't be getting hard for anyone other than my wife. It isn't moral. It isn't natural." And finally, you may be getting caught in a viscious circle. When you're with another woman, you're (usually) under pressure to perform. That pressure mayhaps makes you nervous, and the nervousness kills your hard-on. I actually don't know the solution to these problems, but it may help to look at them head-on.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I don't think you should talk to wife about this. She's already, I'm guessing, stretching her comfort zone. Her husband's lack of erection with his other partners is not, nor should it become in any way, her problem.

Maybe you're actually more monogamous than you think, and you've had fun experimenting with play partners, but are realizing your wife is really where your penis wants to be.

Or, you're having too much sex (or need better health & stamina) & no time for your libido to recharge.

Also, condoms suck, they really do.
 
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