Ethical Non Monogamous relationship


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I am 26 years old and I know that I am definitely not polyamorous. 💯

I have a very hard time with emotional relationships(mainly because I have borderline personality disorder and other mental illnesses)with just one person, I could not imagine an emotional relationship with multiple people. 😅💯

I definitely think that an ENM relationship is the type of relationship for me. I just could not imagine having sex with just one person forever, I would feel so beyond trapped and I would end up cheating on my partner.(I cheated multiple times when I was in a monogamous relationship before.)

I am a homoromantic bisexual woman.(I want to be in love with a woman and obviously have sex with her but I still want to have sex with men.)

So I would want a relationship where it be having threesomes with my partner or my partner and I being in an open relationship where my partner and I only have sex with other people.

Do you think that either types of these relationships can work from the start or should you try being in a monogamous relationship first?
Personally, I think they can work from the start, it saves the work of opening up after monogamy, but there's also the high chance that your romantic partner and you will indulge in the honeymoon phase and not necessarily have eyes for anyone else for a while.

It's certainly worth having the ENM conversation *before* committing to a romantic partner.
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I agree ....better to build these relationships from the ground up By setting expectations and or boundaries from day one. Not only do I think the success rate would be much higher but the amount of pain and suffering that everyone has to endure would be greatly reduced. Establishing a nice groove in the mono lane and then totally flipping that world on its head to start something very different makes for considerable turbulence and chaos and lots of relationships and marriage are pulled under and drown in that rip current.
I think it is a waste of time, energy, effort, emotions, etc to say you want monogamy and then ask them for ENM when you know you wanted ENM from the start. How's that help build trust? Or get you to your goal any faster?

I think telling people from the beginning what it is you are looking for is better. That's what dating is for -- to get to know people and find out what is compatible and what is not. Not all of them are going to be matches, but being up front hopefully finds the ones that are matches a bit faster.

If you have a hard time with one romantic relationship, do you think having other casual partners "on the side" will make your primary relationship easier? I guess if either of you want to have sex with another person, you'd be able to.

The only issue I see is that casual sexual relationships can sometimes evolve into something deeper. Maybe you don't foresee that happening to you. Maybe if your primary is a woman, you'll only love her. Maybe you don't think you could ever fall in love with a guy. But what if your hypothetical female partner did fall in love with one of her partners? Would that be OK? How would you deal with that without flying off the handle?

One of my adult children has BPD and I know how hard it can be to deal with emotional upsets.
Do you think that either types of these relationships can work from the start or should you try being in a monogamous relationship first?
They definitely can work from the start the way you want them to. It's up to you and people you want to form a relationship with. The only difference from being in mono relationship first is that you'll have to approach people stating what you're looking for from the start, instead of saying that in the middle of the relationship.
I think learning about yourself is a good place start. Anything can be successful but it doesn't alway mean it is right for you. (yes I think it can be successful from start).

One place that might be helpful for you is The Bonding Project which focuses on seeing if you lean towards:
One to One
One to Many
Many to Many

This little study would have saved me from some of my successes that really wasn't right for me.
Hi Melxx,

It sounds like ENM is the right relationship style for you. I wouldn't bother with temporary monogamous situations; I would go straight to having an ENM relationship. Either one with threesomes or, one where you and your partner have an open relationship where you can both have sex (just sex) with other people (e.g., men). I do not think polyamory is right for you, do not pursue it. Just build an ENM relationship with someone.

I hope that makes sense,
Kevin T.