Everything changes...does it not?

Manifestiny

New member
So...it's been a couple of years since i was last on this forum. I spent the last 2 years recovering from the breakdown of my marriage of 10 years.

In short, my marriage ended because i was lead to believe that my wife wanted a triad...however, when we met an amazing woman who had no experience, in reality it began more like a vee...and my (ex)wife immediately freaked out and claimed she was no longer poly...and forced me to choose. Given that i felt incredibly used and tricked...the respect i once had for my (ex)wife dwindled...and the marriage broke down.

I ended up pursuing a relationship with my GF...and we have been living together for nearly 2 years. She is amazing and caring...and is now a fantastic step mother to my children. We have had our ups and downs in that time...but in general it has been the best relationship i have ever had. Sex has been progressively amazing...although it started off a bit slow (but understandable considering the drama we went through).

So, after my marriage ended...i started feeling "different" about polyamory. I guess you could say that i was put off by the concept...perhaps for want of not having to deal with so much emotional drama. I knew intuitively that i still felt attracted to other people, but i just didn't follow through on any of my attractions...nor would i really talk to my GF about it (although i was open and honest if the asked or if the situation came up in public and i got busted checking out another girl for example).

However, something has recently happened that is changing how i feel - again. I have met someone new. I knew that i felt attracted to this women immediately...but i'm very capable of controlling myself. Through work circumstances, i have had to spend a bit of time with this women...and just last week, she threw herself at me. She is soooo sexy and hot...i'm not sure how i was able to keep control...but somehow i did; undoubtedly out of respect for my GF.

I am a realist...and i take full responsibility for the part that i have played in making this new women feel the mutual attraction enough to throw herself at me. So, knowing this...i am, once again, entertaining the idea that i must be poly.

On the plus side...i feel that i have enough experience now to be quite clear on what i want. For example...i would love to have amazing consensual sex with this new woman, but i don't feel i want to have a committed relationship and entwine my life with hers. In addition, i love being in the relationship with my GF for many reasons, and i am generally satisfied with our sex, but i still feel the urge to have sex with other people i feel attracted to.

Underlying everything...is the fear that patterns will repeat themselves. That if i am really honest with my GF and attempt to pursue a sexual relationship with this new woman with my GFs consent...would my GF go along with it, only to turn around and "change her mind"...like my (ex)wife did.

So...i am seriously looking for advice from experienced polys. Considering i have this sexual urge...would it be better to just cheat on my GF and get it out of my system? Would it be better to accept that i am not successful in long term relationships and end it with my GF?

I have now opened a dialogue with my GF about the fantasy of wanting to have sex with others. She seems willing to discuss it (especially considering our relationship began as a triad with my (ex)wife)...but not something that she feels naturally drawn to (perhaps because of her conservative nature). Should i fully let go of the idea that i am "polyamorous" and maybe just accept that instead i'm a subtle manipulator who wants to have sex with lots of women?

I'm just hoping to gain a bit of clarity and work though some of my feelings...so any help is appreciated.
 

Inyourendo

New member
You never know, she might be thinking how nice having sex with other men would be so it could be mutually beneficial that you guys have this conversation.
 

Manifestiny

New member
Thanks for your response.

As i mentioned...i have opened up a dialogue...giving her the opportunity to let me know if she is interested in having sex with other men. She is not horrified by the topic...but she does not really respond either.

I get the feeling that she might like it...but that her "moral filter" is stopping her from accepting it. Social culture is a tough condition.
 

Nadya

Member
I can relate to this two-year cycle in life. After two years I seem to want some change in my life, be it relationships, work, studies, place to live... You have been together with your GF for 2 years and it is time for change. Fair enough.

She knows from the beginning that you are poly, and you have now opened up the poly discussion again, good. I would strongly advice against cheating, but I'd also advice against suppressing your poly nature. Keep on the poly talk and see where this would lead.

It would be good to mention to your GF that you are afraid of the emotional drama repeating itself. Since she was part of it the last time, she will know what you are talking about. Also, tell her your wants just like you told us here: no intermingling of lives, just a separate more casual relationship.

Then there is the other woman, your new interest. Does she know about your poly past / poly thoughts? Would she be okay participating in consensual non-monogamy? The fact that she was ready to throw herself at you does not necessarily mean that she would be okay with an open / poly arrangement. If you two meet through work, you might have had time for these talks.

Regardless of this new interest, I suggest you discuss with your GF. If you truly are poly (as it seems to me) there will always come up new interesting people.
 

SmileTexas

New member
Girlfriend

If she is open to the idea of dating other men, can you wait until she has a love interest before you engage with your new gal? It would make things easier for her emotionally.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

I suggest you be more direct in asking rather than trying to "ask from the back door" -- because (talking about her dating other men in general) is not (you asking how she feels about you pursuing the potential fro casual sex specifically. ) I find being up front leaves less room for misunderstandings.

I could be wrong, but here's what i get from your post...

YOUR WANTS

  • I would love to have consensual sex with this new woman.
  • i don't want to have a committed relationship and entwine my life with hers.

OBSTACLE

  • I am afraid to be really honest with my GF and attempt to pursue a sexual relationship with this new woman with my GFs consent
  • I am afraid my GF would repay my being honest with lies. That GF would pretend to go along with it, only to turn around and "change her mind"...like my (ex)wife did.

(Your GF is not your wife. Stop selling her short. Could give honesty a shot. If it turns out same, could examine why you pick people to date of weak character who don't say what they mean. Could also examine why you are in the GF relationship. If being in this relationship is mostly you fearful to be honest, why are you in it? )

ACTION TO GET WHAT I WANT

  • I could skip asking for GFs consent to Open. I could cheat on our agreements and not consider her and pursue the other woman. (Does not meet want for consent of all parties so greyed out.)
  • I could break up with my GF and make it so her consent is not required to maintain honesty. That frees me up to pursue other woman. (Makes "obtain GF consent to Open" a nonissue. I only need Other Woman consent.)
  • Talk to my GF about my want for outside casual sex and obtain her consent to Open. Then ask the Other woman for her consent to share sex with me.(Not willing to do this, so greyed out)

If those are the choices, break up. It's the cleanest choice at this time.

Should i fully let go of the idea that i am "polyamorous" and maybe just accept that instead i'm a subtle manipulator who wants to have sex with lots of women?

Yes. You could let go of piling on evaluation words and just deal with the naked want. You could accept that at this time you want to have sex with lots of women.

Whether that means you are polysexual or polyamorous.... let it go for now since you seem to just be confusing yourself. Boil it down to whether or not you want to meet that want honestly or dishonestly. Keep it simpler on you.

I'd suggest you work on honest relations at this time.

  • When you talk to yourself about what you want without sticking on evaluation words
  • when you talk to other people you are in relationship with about what you want.
Just honest, straight up conversation. I think the rest could fall into place over time.

It is not loving behavior to cheat on someone. I think you know that. If you want to have sex with lots of women, you could go about it more honestly.

To maintain honesty it can happen in two ways:
  • You talk to the GF up front and you guys work something out and Open. Then you approach and are up front with the potential about having a GF, an Open relationship, and wanting only casual sex with the potential.
  • You break up with the GF. Then you approach and are up front with the potential about wanting only casual sex.

Galagirl
 
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