Excited about poly -- challenged :-) --glad to be here!


New member
Hi everyone!

I'm very grateful to this board and all the wise people on it. Time to introduce myself...

I'm currently in a poly relationship (my first) with my long-term boyfriend Steve. Steve's married to Susan; they're solid, happy, and Susan also has a long-term girlfriend. Steve and I started as play partners several years ago, and over the past 2 years our relationship has deepened considerably, and continues to intensify. We see each other around twice a week, sometimes once.

This deepening has been wonderful, and painful and difficult. He used to be simply non-monogamous and sometimes finds our intimacy threatening to his marriage, and has ambivalence about commitment with me. I'm deeply in love with him and would like to have a "multiple primary" type relationship. I've given up on this due to his ambivalence, and am trying to back off a bit. His vacillation and lack of clarity has hurt me a lot. But so far it's been worth it for all the positives. We're trying but aren't clear on what we need to do.

I've been dating and really want a life partner. It's tough, though; most people my age are all partnered up, or have primaries already, or if they're single seem to be less emotionally experienced and self aware than I am and thus not a good match. Plus I'm kinky, queer and am only attracted to masculine types (hard wired that way) so that makes my dating pool even smaller :) I persevere though. I try not to get too attached to the outcome, and just open myself to whatever will happen. I try to focus on my art and my relationship with myself (though my relationship with Steve is a major focus-suck a lot of the time due to our conflicts.)

I have few close poly friends that I can talk to. I've been hesitant about local support groups, due to privacy concerns (though I'm trying to get over myself around that).

Because of how my relationship with Steve evolved, I used to think of myself as an "accidental polyamorist." Poly used to terrify me, actually--I used to say "never!!" I have big loss and abandonment stuff and it just seemed like too big a mountain to climb in this lifetime. But a while back I ended a long-term (mono) relationship, and had a major perspective shift around my desire for security, and wanting to deal more with the reality of impermanence and no guarantees (and the freedom that comes with that).

So I realized that actually, the choices I was making with Steve were directly related to the ways in which I want to grow. I keenly feel my own "cages"; old ways of thinking about myself and my world, old fears based on childhood trauma, old insecurities, old beliefs. Poly has been an excellent way for me to examine these and start to un-do some of them. I do believe it's been the most challenging thing I've ever done. It's very exciting! And painful and requires an incredible amount of bravery and energy for me.

I'm curious about being in a poly relationship with someone who's more experienced and clearer on what they want. And how that might be less painful and more rewarding. But for now I'm still trying to make it work with Steve cuz I fucking adore him and he can make me really happy (and the sex is amaaaazing) :D

Thanks everyone!! Looking forward to learning more...


Official Greeter
Greetings jenlou,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope things work out with Steve but even if they don't, you've had a taste of the rewards of polyamory and I'm sure that will empower you to find (a) new partner/s who is/are better suited to the poly goals you want to accomplish.

I hope Polyamory.com proves to be a worthwhile help for you, in the way of sorting things out or just getting support or whatever you need. I'm glad you could join us.

Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


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Welcome aboard!


New member
Thanks so much for your kind words, Kevin T! It's wonderful to feel a community around this. Happy to be here...