Explorer with big ears. (Eyes?)

Emmjay

Member
Hi there!

I am in the exploration, research, talking to people stage. I am married and I've also developed a distant friendship/explore sexuality friendship recently that has lit me up like a firefly. It also awakened me to patterns I'm seeing in myself over the years.

I've come to the point at 51 that I really want to live my life to the fullest and that I've been ignoring a part of myself for most of my life. Before, I've always been in a monogamous relationship, found someone else interesting and thought I had to end it with the first. This time around I talked to my partner about what I would like. I don't want to hide this. I want to be honest with him and myself.

He is open to the idea. His concern is being replaced. That's not what I'm looking to do. I want to build friendships; I want to feel freedom and yes, I want to explore sexuality. The net has been a little depressing with these paid dating sites, where it's all about sex and monthly membership fees. I think this road trip is way more than just the libido. I really think it involves accepting yourself and how you think and feel, and it hasn't aligned very well with my culture and what that culture thinks relationships should be.

I want to think for myself and every step I take towards learning more about polyamory gives me a greater sense of peace and excitement about living. I didn't mean to get all philosophical, but for me it is. Also, for me to explore sexuality with somebody, it matters that I'm cared about as a human being.

So that's me and really looking forward to talking with you. Feel like I need to do a curtsy.....
 

TXretired

Active member
Have many conversations with your partner. I have one relationship outside my married. I am in the process of moving her from 1000 miles away to 15. She and spouse get along well. I need to ensure spouse that she will not be replaced. That’s on me. Many conversations have occurred. We need to continue that. For me, two full relationships maxes me out. I have no desire for more. If you have any questions feel free to holler.
 

Emmjay

Member
Can I ask your story? How it started for you? How you met the second and how you keep the balance? I don't think I want the commitments like you have? That may be the wrong word. For me, it would be more about friendships. Not all have to be sexual. When you say max out, do you mean......hahaha okay what do you mean?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Can I ask your story? How it started for you? How you met the second and how you keep the balance? I don't think I want the commitments like you have? That may be the wrong word. For me, it would be more about friendships. Not all have to be sexual. When you say max out, do you mean......hahaha okay what do you mean?
Welcome Emmjay. I also started in polyamory in my 50s, after living mono most of my life. I remember one summer when I was 19-20 and dating 4 guys, and also had a 3way with my platonic gf and her bf, and that was really fun. But then I shut it all down that fall when I met my husband to be.

I am frustrated these days since OK Cupid got so user-unfriendly. Luckily I have my long-term nesting partner and one longish distance FWB that I see a few times a year. I keep trying to meet people on Fetlife, but nothing has worked out lately, although I did take a break until April of this year when I got vaxed.

Read around the board and you'll find many stories of how people meet multiple partners and make it work. Poly-dating is not for the faint of heart.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Emmjay,

This is a good board for getting advice and feedback. I for one will be glad to answer any questions you may have for me. I have a blog that you can read, it is very long but the first few posts will tell you a lot of what you'd want to know. Check it out and just let me know if you have any questions.

Online dating is a long row to hoe, you may find it more rewarding to meet people in real life. There's a lot of poly groups out there, but I don't know whether they're having meetups at this time with the Covid situation. Google "polyamory" with the name of your state or nearest major city, and see what turns up. Also you can meet poly-friendly people at alt events such as Ren fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, BDSM, and the like.

If you think about it, our culture expects us to replace one partner with another partner when we fall in love with that other partner, so, it's not surprising that being replaced is your partner's concern. He will have to experience the reality of your polyamorous nature, that you do not want to replace him, and have no intention to do so. Trust is built by having experiences. So go ahead and pursue a poly life, let him see first-hand that he can trust you.

Here's some resources that may help you:
Good luck!
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Emmjay

Member
Welcome Emmjay. I also started in polyamory in my 50s, after living mono most of my life. I remember one summer when I was 19-20 and dating 4 guys, and also had a 3way with my platonic gf and her bf, and that was really fun. But then I shut it all down that fall when I met my husband to be.

I am frustrated these days since OK Cupid got so user-unfriendly. Luckily I have my long-term nesting partner and one longish distance FWB that I see a few times a year. I keep trying to meet people on Fetlife, but nothing has worked out lately, although I did take a break until April of this year when I got vaxed.

Read around the board and you'll find many stories of how people meet multiple partners and make it work. Poly-dating is not for the faint of heart.
Maygdlyn,

You know you give me hope on the age thing. That actually tripped me up at first. I thought, what the heck am I doing at 51 and going ethical slut whooo hooo!? But, it looks like it took me this long to realize this is what I wanted, and then to actually hear myself! And then to finally have a partner who is willing to take those steps with me. So now we are back to whoo hoo!

The trippy part I'm trying to deal with is little ms. introvert is being social. I'm not used to that. I went to an online discussion with polyamory and they are so kind and understanding and giving with information. We have a mixer coming up so that will be interesting. We do have a club here in Denver with that mindset, I have not been brave enough to go to that yet; but I think it's coming. Work has kind of bled me dry lately, so not a lot of energy. Even ruined my Friday Night rollerblading dang it. Such as life. I will definitely read around the board and appreciate your feedback. I am late, but didn't want the time to pass without reaching out to you with a response. Thank you.
 

Emmjay

Member
Hello Emmjay,

This is a good board for getting advice and feedback. I for one will be glad to answer any questions you may have for me. I have a blog that you can read, it is very long but the first few posts will tell you a lot of what you'd want to know. Check it out and just let me know if you have any questions.

Online dating is a long row to hoe, you may find it more rewarding to meet people in real life. There's a lot of poly groups out there, but I don't know whether they're having meetups at this time with the Covid situation. Google "polyamory" with the name of your state or nearest major city, and see what turns up. Also you can meet poly-friendly people at alt events such as Ren fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, BDSM, and the like.

If you think about it, our culture expects us to replace one partner with another partner when we fall in love with that other partner, so, it's not surprising that being replaced is your partner's concern. He will have to experience the reality of your polyamorous nature, that you do not want to replace him, and have no intention to do so. Trust is built by having experiences. So go ahead and pursue a poly life, let him see first-hand that he can trust you.

Here's some resources that may help you:
Good luck!
Regards,
Kevin T.
Kevin,
Why do I cringe at the idea of dating? Would rather get together with a group of people and share. Why is there not a polyamory party always going down my street? Would make things SO much easier! Like I was answering on the other thread I went to an online discussion last week and it was with a smaller group, that really did help and the site they have gives a lot of information. We have meetups also in another group that is active and they are arranging activities again. I'm told that conferences are a great place to meet people.

I did not realize how big distance relationships were in the polyamory group. Those I spoke with had their immediates, but they also had relationships going for years in other lands. I never really saw those as relationships, but then isn't that friendships too?

Yes, my partner really wants me to have a safe experience. I think it's down to him seeing me have it and then walk right back to him and that he is still special to me and that I won't pack up and run. I can't rush it. The opportunity I could have is kind of floating and I can't run out to have another one to get it over with. I don't want to get anything over with. I want to enjoy the wine and I have to be comfortable. I will look at your blog and I appreciate the link and the support!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
From what I've read and experienced, long-distance relationships are super hard to navigate. There has to be a lot of communication, and deliberate effort to maintain a sense of closeness. I don't say that it can't be done, I just mean that I don't as a rule recommend it. If you can find people local to you, that would be ideal. It sounds like you have a group in your area that is starting to arrange activities again. That's a really hopeful sign. I also like that you have another online group to discuss things with, would you be willing to share their web address? It would be another resource that I could share with people.

I hope you are able to get out there and enjoy an extroverted experience, even if it is outside your comfort zone! Good luck and good love.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
From what I've read and experienced, long-distance relationships are super hard to navigate. There has to be a lot of communication, and deliberate effort to maintain a sense of closeness. I don't say that it can't be done, I just mean that I don't as a rule recommend it. If you can find people local to you, that would be ideal. It sounds like you have a group in your area that is starting to arrange activities again. That's a really hopeful sign. I also like that you have another online group to discuss things with, would you be willing to share their web address? It would be another resource that I could share with people.

I hope you are able to get out there and enjoy an extroverted experience, even if it is outside your comfort zone! Good luck and good love.
I would ditto this. It's brutal. I don't find it comfortable at all. It definitely works for some but with how I love language it has not worked for me.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I did not realize how big distance relationships were in the polyamory group. Those I spoke with had their immediates, but they also had relationships going for years in other lands. I never really saw those as relationships, but then isn't that friendships too?
If you think about it, people who are happy to go to online discussions are probably more likely to be willing to _be_ in long distance relationships. I mean, I absolutely could not, personally
 

TXretired

Active member
Relationship with Ewe, 1000 miles away, has been a challenge. For the past 16 months, I have gone there or her here for 7-15 days per stretch. Next trip will be the last, she will be 15 miles away. Yes, it is an absolute challenge. We figure we have put 40k or more miles on the two vehicles. A bunch of hotel rooms. Much tired time traveling. Some trips SW went with. Others, she stayed home. This has taken a great deal of communication. Trust. love, from all!
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
There's no doubt long distance is hard. It would be a little easier if there wasn't a ****ing pandemic going on and international travel was possible...
 

Emmjay

Member
From what I've read and experienced, long-distance relationships are super hard to navigate. There has to be a lot of communication, and deliberate effort to maintain a sense of closeness. I don't say that it can't be done, I just mean that I don't as a rule recommend it. If you can find people local to you, that would be ideal. It sounds like you have a group in your area that is starting to arrange activities again. That's a really hopeful sign. I also like that you have another online group to discuss things with, would you be willing to share their web address? It would be another resource that I could share with people.

I hope you are able to get out there and enjoy an extroverted experience, even if it is outside your comfort zone! Good luck and good love.
No problem at all. They have weekly discussions. I'll be on Sept 22nd I connected with the discussions through Meetup and this is also their site. Very nice, caring people.


and then they have their site: good information.
 

under_moonlight

New member
From what I've read and experienced, long-distance relationships are super hard to navigate. There has to be a lot of communication, and deliberate effort to maintain a sense of closeness. I don't say that it can't be done, I just mean that I don't as a rule recommend it. If you can find people local to you, that would be ideal. It sounds like you have a group in your area that is starting to arrange activities again. That's a really hopeful sign. I also like that you have another online group to discuss things with, would you be willing to share their web address? It would be another resource that I could share with people.

I hope you are able to get out there and enjoy an extroverted experience, even if it is outside your comfort zone! Good luck and good love.

I can second the difficulty of LDRs, as well as the fact that it's possible based off personal experience! It's very possible, but definitely a lot of work, and I feel like I had an easier time because it did not start as a LDR (my OSO moved after we had been together for 3 months). Still, for me, the payoff of maintaining this relationship has been worth it 😊

-Moon
 

Skadi

New member
As a person who needs ALOT of space I am shocked at how I'm not handling a long distance connection smoothly.
Easy peasy I thought. Well... can't really recommend, especially when having NRE.
After that, it's probably easier when you like your space.
 
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