Exploring Polyamory instead of Monogamy

starlight1

Member
Hi everyone,
I thought I'd start a blog to try and sort out my head space about relationships.
A little history: I am american ex-pat living in UK, i'm 28 female, single mother...:)I am bi-sexual. I have been married before, in a monogamous relationship and I used to be Mormon. So like some other people here, It's been a long journey from the Mormon idea of relationships, where women are valued little more than cattle in heaven currency of good works, to the idea that life is worth living in the here and now...and I really want to love more than one person at a time. That I can, it just has to be the right people.

The first time I came across Polyamory was when I was in my late teen's, early 20's. But I dismissed it and when the monogamist route of marrying my ex-husband. I had many things to learn in that relationship outside of Polyamory, self love, and abuse what healthy boundaries and healthy relationships were, were my biggest priority. So I worked on those, by working on those things in myself, it led, along with other things, to the natural breakdown of the marriage.

The man I was with wanted to exploit my bi-sexuality, at a time when I hadn't come out and did not even acknowledge it. And he exploited not only me, but the woman who I had been best friends with since high school. When I became single and divorced and spent a significant time away from my ex-husband, I re-approached the subject of being a relationship with said female friend. We will call her M. M and I drifted after that although she loved me like I did her, our lifestyles were incompatible, because of her desire to have kids and be married, and be part of the mormon culture, and her family would have disowned her, being heavily mormon culture too.

I did not want her to have that heartache and i told her sadly that I couldn't maintain a friendship with her, that i had to consider her an Ex to move on, even though we were never physical I was so emotionally intimate with her it was basically the same thing in my eyes.

So this started a season of my single life back in the UK. When I returned I focused more on self-healing, and sorting out my life. I enquired on polygamist relationships on-line, and offline, and got involved with healthy and unhealthy people on-line and offline, I learned what I wanted in relationships. I had a brief fling with two men at the same time. I had a one year relationship with a monogamous man who wasn't my husband. I tried all these things to see what fit for me. I found that the two men, were actually vying for me to be with one of them, and I still felt a lot of internal guilt about the relationships, which has yet to be resolved. Even though they both knew about each other, and that I was a girlfriend to both of them, I still felt unnecessary guilt. These relationships evolved naturally, and with no force on my part. I went on dates with women. I met a woman who was poly but with women only. I found out what people say, isn't always what people mean, and that poly means different things to different people.

I am at the moment dating a man exclusively inclusively, whatever that means. That was his (A's) terms not mine. I am wondering if he wants a V or a poly relationship, or not. At the moment we are in the throes of NRE, and I am waiting for an opportunity to discuss how he sees himself (monogamist or not) and what he wants out of a relationship in relation to what I want.

He knows that I am bi, that I've not slept with a woman, and that I want to be with a woman, and he attempted to surprise set up a woman date with him (threesome) but I politely turned him down as I am not a one night stand kind of person with any human being male or female. I explained I wanted more, and that that topic is still sensitive and hard for me to explain. I'm not sure what I want, in a poly relationship, I just know I don't want to be trapped in a monogamist one, but the other relationships with women, might not all leads to sex, and it may not just be with other women i want relationships with.

Although having said that, finding ONE good relationships male or female has been hard for me, not only finding one that want more than one :)
So lets see how it gets on, he's(A) open to discussion and we have great chemistry and a lot in common and we both only want to help people, so already we're coming from very healthy places in ourselves.

This weekend we are spending the weekend away just the two of us instead of the extra woman, and we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend now. The first real substantial relationship for me since M, notice I didn't feel that way about my husband. Which is sad but I was a different person then, and I value myself much more highly in terms of self-worth, also I have two beautiful daughters because of it and I've now got to meet A. So things in my life are peaceful. I work on my business, I spend time with my girls, and I am exploring female friends in my area who have experience in dating multiple people. :)

I will keep you all informed on what's going on!
 

starlight1

Member
Thinking...

I was trying to figure out why I was so inherently turned off by my ex-husband wanting a three way relationship with M and me. And also why I was actually disgusted instead of pleased with A asking a female friend to have sex with us. And how the two were correlated.

I realised that in both cases,there was the objectification of one more parties involved. In both cases, my ex-husband did not ask for my opinion on if i wanted to love M independently, what M wanted, what I wanted, what he wanted, what he expected, etc. And this is true in the case of the man I am currently dating.

I have also had this problem from the other end, being bi and female, being approached by three different couples now, all wanting me to be a threesome with them.

So I did some researching on this site this evening and came across the unicorn stuff, which is probably basic stuff for a lot of you folks, but since i freely now express my true feelings about multiple loves, i do not have the fear of frequenting this site, or my kids seeing me on this site or asking questions ect that i had in the past.

Anyway, I guess this is why I haven't had sex with a female yet, it always seemed to come with a lot more strings than I wanted: In that was it wasn't just a relationship between me and her that develops naturally just like any other male/female dynamic, it seemed to be operated and micromanaged by one or both of the other people involved (My self included when i was married although this was by honest mistake as i didn't even want to admit i liked the woman nonetheless any of the rest! It was a confusing mess at the time. Doesn't make me less accountable, just offers a reason behind the bad behaviour...understanding of the self.)

So I realised, with my current relationship, A, that I learned a lot from him already in terms of healing from my past abuse stuff, in fact I became free and whole, and this is the first relationship I can freely express myself with out any of the previous triggers and hangups i had in the past. I have desensitized myself, and over come all those and i'm pretty dang proud of that because it took a hell of a lot of work, I went to therapies, writing, art therapy, groups, workshop etc before I felt I was definitely on the way to healing totally and completely.

Poly naturally took a backseat, but since my first experience into that forray was with a teenage girl friend, it never completely left my mind, just got put in the back burner as such!

Anyways, A asked me to be fearless, hes told me time and again i'm completely free to do anything i want to do, with no restrictions or limitations. I also think he would love the poly world if he knew it existed, simply to be free himself, to love whomever he wants to love, whenever he wants to love them. But i do know in saying that, and in my conversations wih A, I want to define what I want in a relationship. He's asked me specifically what I want but I had no clue. I mean I knew what I didnt want, but I had no idea what I DO want. So I have spent the evening thinking on this, and will do so more and refine this as i come back to it, i'm also taking this list with me when I see A this weekend.

Since our relationship is so new, we have only been seeing each other one month, and just defined it this week as girlfriend boyfriend, i want to set my bounderies and priorities clearly, which means i need to know what they are.
In the past, with a man named N, I dated him knowing he hated that I was bi and wanted to be nonmonogamous. Strangly i dated him a year and lived with him for a few months trying to conform to his box of what he thought was right. I wanted so badly at the time to bea person who is like the movies, has one true love, and spends the rest of their life together, and by going through that relationship i let go of that fantasy, as it isint a reality for me. Instead i now look on that silly ideal as a limiting belief fed to me by disney and other propoganda, and that instead my destiny is what i choose, and that may be many loves or none at all depending on my degree of honesty, openness and courage/fearlessness.

So without further ado here is my list so far:

1) I want freedom in all my relationships to date women and men, that all are in the know and ok with this :)
2)I want to be able to have time with the person in the real world, not just texts and emails, but quality time together- this is not defined by hours but being present and in the moment when with that person, and preferablly more than once a month if possible.
3)I want open and honest communication between all parties on safe sex BEFORE sex and on types of sex involved (fluid bonding etc and known not know stds how to navigate this ect)
4)I want tenderness and ability to freely touch one another, in public and private with all my lovers. (I dont want any dirty secrets, discretion is one thing, secrets another)
5) I want out of this world fucking fantastic sex. (Don't we all?! hehehe) :D
6)I want to be able to laugh and be emotionally intimate and connected with the people I love.
7)I want to be free of jealousy and to be honestly openly comfortable with them having more partners (I find this harder with a man being with other people than with women being with other people somehow?? so working on this one in bits and pieces.)
8) I want to go on many adventures and experiences with the people I love in my life- for thats what life is for experience building for me, with all the people in all types, fwb/nonsexual friends/sexual partners/et al.
 

starlight1

Member
More Ponderings....

"One important thing I have learned is this; Bisexuality is not a combination of two seperate but equal orientations. My attraction to males is inseperable from my attraction to females. I can't compartmentalize. I can't suppress one without suppressing the other. I can't express one without expressing the other. I have just begun an incredible journey. I interpret this time in my life as an incredible turning point." - Joyce Beach link: http://www.gaymormonstories.com/Joyce_Beach.html

I have mostly, in many ways removed myself from the LDS church, and this has greatly helped me accept my bi-sexual self, however, the deep societal pressure I self inflict on myself... of being with only one person ...is still being unravelled in myself.
Joyce's quote could equally be applied to my new budding realisation of how I feel about polyamory:
"Polyamory is not a combination of two serparate loves, but equal loves. My attraction to more than one person is inseperable to my deep affections for one person." I feel that is appropriate to me. :)

Loving M, does not diminish my love for A. Always there will be a place in my heart for her. Having loved in the past my ex-husband(X) did not dimish my love for M. Only my ex-husband(X) caused the demishment of my love for him because of the extensive abuse I had at his hands, and endured for much longer than nessecary.

So as I unravel my past, and look forward to my future, while living presently and intuitively, I hope to build and nuture more loving connections in my life. As A tells me there are many ways to look at the world, and he chooses, I'm ok, You're ok.
Doesn;t mean the behaviour is always ok with each other, or we do not agree to disagree, but simply that accepting ourselves allows room to accept others and in this we find a greater and deeper love. Perhaps in A, I will find a deep and transient love. I know that I care a great deal about him, but the love word has not passed our lips. So we shall see.

Roll on Saturday!!
 

ellavera

New member
I signed up with an online dating service and that is how I met Richard. We were also together about 3 years. He is part of my Poly family now also. He does tend to prefer monogamous relationships, so he occasionally dates other women and he will probably get involved in a monogamous relationship eventually and our relationship will become platonic.
 

starlight1

Member
Hey Ellevera, I got your reply, thanks for posting on my blog. And thanks for telling me how you met Richard, Do you have a blog on here? I'm just starting to properly navigate my way through this poly site, so there's a lot of people to meet etc! :)

How do you feel about it going from sexual to platonic if he decides on a different monogamous relationship eventually?

I am working on developing my own poly family I have decided, and that I am just going to be out in my actions, and have different levels of relating it to other people depending on how close to my inner circle they are.
 

starlight1

Member
The next steps

It was a dark and stormy day. Saturday was the best and worst of days. It started off with lack of sleep, combined with my electric going out in the house, my kids(ShootingStar and Rosebud) had colds, my Aunt (Honour), who was watching kids, was also sick. Also there was just a general sense of both Honour and myself being at the end of our ropes.

When the rain let up midday, in a freak warm bright spell, lasting about an hour, I took ShootingStar and Rosebud out on a walk in the woods with their wellies. I figured a romp in the woods never did me harm, and would do a lot more good than sitting around in the festering malaise of the house with nothing to do, and no heat/electric.

I pulled up the poly forums while out and perched myself on a bench basking in the rare watery sunlight. I let the kids roam within shouting distance, and pondered what the evening would be like, if I'd even be up to going out at all. At the moment I was feeling pretty dreary. I knew I'd have to deal with the electric problem when I returned home, but for this one hour I was going to live in the present and simply enjoy being. So I read Fuchka's blog, which is rather addictive, and struck a deep cord in me with relating to men.

I have never been short of men admirers, and my last real relationships, although short, were with two men: Rogue and Freeman. I am not a classical beauty, I am of medium height, with mousy coloured hair, and a curvy average build,of a pear shaped nature. But for some reason, I attract men like bears to honey. I am confident and comfortable in my own skin, and perhaps this is why. It will take another post on attraction and what attracts people versus the beliefs we are lead to believe as women in the world, but I digress. Lets get back to the men I was speaking about!

Rogue is and was a friend with benefits, we used to occasionally hook up, he is deeply troubled and a dark horse in my life. Honour does not approve of his influence on me, because of his negative characteristics in him, although he is essentially at the heart of him a deep and caring man, he is internally conflicted with self loathing. I pondered in the woods what he was up to. We met in 2012, and have been on again off again ever since. We always pick up where we left off, and he is my muse. Many of my best art pieces have been about him, and will continue to be because I find his internal conflict very appealing to paint and draw, and something many people can relate to, the struggle of our natural self and who we want to be.

Freeman is a man in transition. We also met at the same time and place as Rogue. Where Rogue is broody, musical, quiet and intense... Freeman is Gregarious, loud, self-deprecating, science computer lover, going through a nasty divorce. I involved myself with him out of a need to help him heal something broken in himself. Like an injured bird in a park I wanted to help him see that not all women are like the one he's lived with for many years. I was not attracted to Freeman the way I was Rogue, and they knew that I was interested in both of them, so they both wined and dined me, and we all hung out together a bit, playing board games, or talking about goals and making jokes together, having a drink.

Both were sweet and giving in their own ways, both showed me that it takes more than lust, or even common ground, to make a relationship work. The relationships with both of them and involved with me lasted around a year, on and off, with both coming around my house when kids were not around, and me going to theirs other times.

As I said, I have never wanted for male admirers, but being admired and caring about them in return is a completely different thing. Which is why I was pondering on these things yesterday. I fell hard and strong for Rogue, I knew he was like forbidden fruit, that no good would come of the relationship long term, yet I was drawn to him again and again. My poetry came alive, I finished a book of poetry in the space of 2 months. My artwork kicked into high gear, I finished 8 pieces while courting him. He was my muse, and the addiction was strong for me. We have an easiness he and I, that allows us to just be around each other. Combined with his darkly good looks, intelligence and hilarious sense of humour, I was very much smitten. But like getting addicted to drugs, I pulled away from him this last year, because I could not cope with his self-harming. It was a deal breaker for me, so we stopped being a relationship and stay friends, platonic now, even though my pheromones still kick in high gear whenever I think of him.

Freeman and I slept together during that time too, he was different, in that he was able to give of himself, his time, money, energy completely and wholly without any hangups that Rogue had. I appreciated him for who he was, but my pheromones simply didn't engage with him, and during love making, the opposite happened to what I wanted. What I thought would happen leading up to that point was very wrong! I became turned OFF. It was a bizarre moment for me because up until that point I was very much keen to try things. Maybe like JaneQ has written about elsewhere I confused my need to connect and be close and to help him, maternal-like instincts, with sexualization. Even though the sex was nothing to write home about for me, it was life changing for him, which only made me feel worse! He told me afterwards that he loved me, and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Thinking it was a one off , and just bad first sex experience, I left the issue alone for a week and came back to, accepted his offer and we started dating, all the while he knew I was still seeing Rogue, everything had been laid out there. It was a consensual open relationship. Both men wanted me, they were willing to share me. The hanging out between all of us became awkward, and stalled to a stop because the communication between them were just two males who vaguely knew each other from a similar social setting, but ran in different circles.

I could sense how much it hurt both of them if I went off with one or the other alone. I did my best to balance out time with them, time with family, and time with art, but in the end, it was not time that stopped the relationship between all, but simply the fact that I did not love Freeman, and I could not have a healthy relationship with Rogue because of boundary and safety issues regarding my children. They would have crossed over accidently or purposely at some point because of how much I was and still am in love with him. I can put those feelings now in a place in my heart, feel them, live with them, examine them, and then choose not to act on them. I needed space from Rogue, and I told him this. I told Freeman that he deserved a woman who would love him as much as he loved me and kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for the beautiful time we had. Rogue still occasionally contacts me, and we go out for drinks as friends, but it's hard for me to separate the feelings I still feel for him, and maintain appropriate distance. I'm really an all-or-nothing kinda gal.

I had mixed feelings about this relationship, so I am working on sorting through them, and what it means for me in the future and the shape of my future relationships. Everything is a learning experience right?

This was a great turning point for me because I realised I could speak my mind and feelings and I am a bit of a late bloomer in communication this way. ;) I probably could have salvaged the relationship with Rogue if I had been able to communicate appropriate boundaries, but I also decided after both of those relationships that I was worth healthy relationships, and that I was attracting these people because I didn't believe at some level I was worthy of a healthy man/woman/whomever.

This is where Adasan comes in. A year of being single roughly, just casual dating with women mostly, these did not go beyond a second date or first date in most cases. Then I meet Adasan on POF.com. We start with questions, he starts calling me Curious Star. A banter is formed, intellectual zingers whip back and forth between our fingertips, and I am so starved for intellectual conversation with a man, from a man's point of view since Rogue that I am ecstatic to talk to him.

I pondered all this while the girls played. The girls and I went back home, I made them dinner, I fixed the electric problem after many insistent urgent, and then down right angry calls to my energy supplier. The rain had come back, including thunder and lightening and the dark was looming and I was stressed more than I have been in some time.

However, I sorted it, and handled it, and everything including my celiac /paleo dinner was sorted for the date before I went out with Adasan to the hotel we had got together.
 

starlight1

Member
Next Steps Cont.

We met up at a nearby train station then made our way to the hotel. It shifted from the worst day to the best night. Warm food and warm company as well as getting away from the stress helped us both. Healed us both.

We have paced ourselves up until this point. We met in person after Christmas 2013. A few weeks online, phone, and skype sessions before hand. We went to musuems, ice skating, coffee, dinner, parks, nature, many many things... :) We touched and teased, but didn't go further. Our first kiss was after several dates. Our first fuck later still...I could no longer stand the hours of teasing, of a low simmer that burned high. My pheromones are in full swing for this guy. Adasan is a professional body builder, and also a massage therapist with female marker genes, so instead of being buff in a large and manly way, he's buff in a swimmer/dancer manly way with all smooth clean lines and not an ounce of fat. He has long piano/guitar hands, and gorgeous features. I steal looks at him across tables, and we deliberately get close without touch, then brush up against each other accidently (on purpose) stroking in public, that then builds up to something more in private.
It's a delicious heady combination.

Combining these incredibly lustful moments, is this quietness and stillness he exudes, like a Rock against the ocean, being battered with many elements he still stands there, telling me, "Curious Star, you're ok, i'm ok, we're ok." How can you not fall for someone like that?? Have we had deep intellectual conversations in person yet? No, Not yet, but on the phone we have. And we are working on letting the walls fall naturally. There is no rush here, no hurry, we schedule dates around our very busy lives, as he is finishing his degree and starting a business this year, and I am in my second year of business myself in art and still privately studying.

I juggle many hats, as does he, and his level of autonomy is really appealing. We are intense with each other in the moment, and also able to sit quietly and just be, we speak with our hands, both of us artists of our own craft- we mould each other with hands like a sculptor...I've never been so tenderly touched before, nor ravished. We communicate much more easily with hands than our voices in person and right now it is uncomplicated. He trusts me completely and I him. When his exams are done, I will speak to him about polyamory, and in the mean time I will text him to let him know I will be meeting up with these people, and perhaps his own curiosity will allow for dialogue to flow naturally.

When we got to the hotel, it was like, we were two strangers instead of people who had been on many dates, he was comfortable undressing and asked if I wanted a shower, but for me there was this sense of re getting to know him, as if we were a long distant relationship, rather than present in the here and now. But that quickly dissolved as we showered together, which was very romantic.

We fucked, and made love, most of the night. Sometime early in the morning He put his head on my chest for an hour and listened to the beat of my heart. Previously he had opened up to me about something that seemed to him to be a big problem, and I explained to him that he just hadn't been with the right person, and that it was in his head, not his body that had the problem and when he let those things go, everything would flow naturally. And it did. And I am grateful for that truely, I have had some amazing experiences with this man so far in terms of my PTSD, (which is never triggered with him at all!) and childhood abuse.

He spoke about opening his business in america, as I am well travelled and I have spoken in the past of my desire to live in both countries that I am establishing myself here first, and then working over there too.(I am a dual national as are my kids) I can see his desire to be with me, though we have not yet said we love each other, we say it in many more ways, and when we are ready, it will be natural and right. Right now I am still trying to figure out what goes on in his head. We can read each other's body's like books, but the way we think and the way we relate are very different. He brings out the calm, and the sensual in me, and I find myself relaxing into him, into this relationship in a way I never have in the past, even with Rogue.

I also find myself pushing myself to be better, because we play off each other in very positive ways. This to me is a hallmark of a good healthy relationship.

I spent time drawing him, although I don't think of him as a muse for me, I am definitely interested in drawing him nude sometime, and he has offered to pose for me. I find drawing my lover very erotic and sensual and wonderful way of connecting with out words. I gave him the sketch I did, and he enjoyed that gift :)

We discussed business which we have in common and marketing tactics, places to learn and build up clients and business friends...we talked about many things, just not anything to do with emotions yet. He is very closed off with emotions verbally so if I want to know something from him I have to be very direct and blunt. Where as I am very emotional and freely express them, but I also know how to reign them in, and control them. I kind of imagine him a bit like Spock in the emotional way. Lol. And I crave the talking of emotions and how he feels and what he thinks. I do think eventually I can tease these things out of him, I definitely can sexually ;) And that has its own rewards. But I want to hear it. I want to hear him tell me he loves me. I want to say it back.

We haven't set a date for the next date, one more week of exams for him and he just wants to get through those, so getting rid of stress and enjoying each other will be the main theme for a little while as we both ride the waves of life,(and each other ha!) and come to a calmer place to talk of these things. :) I may even invite him to a poly meeting as a date. That could be very fun, and what he may be reserved in asking alone with me, he may ask in a group setting...It's worth a conversation in asking.

I am proud to be his girlfriend, and I asked him if he was upset that we were not doing a three-some with the friend, and he said he had honestly forgot about it. I said, that's good you're not worrying about it. I think deep down he's monogamous, and I'm not sure how he'll react to my wanting to be polyamory because originally I told him I didn't want to be and I chose to be monogamous, but that was before him, before the possibility of a threesome, before I realised, yeah, I'm ok, I'm ok with me. I've had a huge shift in who I am in the 6 months in terms of being ok with myself and moving on from anger and the past into a place of positivity and healing. I am much more open and honest now in all areas of my life. But most especially I am more open and honest with myself, because I no longer place myself in the eye of what society expects of me and judge myself based on those preconceived ideas, that shift and change depending where I live. Now I base myself on what feels right and good and positive in my life for me now. :)

It's a bit more complicated navigating these waters as a single mother, but it's still interesting and fun, and its amazing to me to meet the wonderful positive people in my life, and as I expand I have been attracting more healthy people my way, including a woman on the playground asking me to go out with her family to a playdate, which hasn't happened in a while, normally i initiate that sort of stuff, and organise things, so i'm pleased that I might be on the start of making a new friendship!

I texted Adasan asking him directly and bluntly how he felt for me, and saying I cared a great deal for him. He texted back saying that he cared for me too and he would think on it seriously after finals were over.

I was so shocked, and had been holding my breath for a rejection, that I didnt even know how to repsond and I must have seemed very cold after that haha, because I texted saying, thanks for telling me and I'm going to bed to process that. And I did I went to bed processing that, now my heart has room to accept he cares for me and it gives me this big huge warm feeling inside. This slow gentle glide into loving him is so easy, but it still takes my breath away with how lucky I am. He is such an amazing guy.

Last night during texts, I also told him I had went shopping after our date and started the lifestyle shift towards paleo, because of my own health problems, he was the 3rd person to suggest it to me i nthe last 4 months, and I had been dragging my heals, but honestly its been the best thing ever! So he sent me all these e-books he has on Paleo, and a lot of information on it for me to read, isnt that sweet? :) He really likes to look out for me. I really feel like I'm moving into my own stride for life, and what I want out of life, it's so exciting!

:D
 

starlight1

Member
Moving forward in life..baby steps!

I am heading to my first Poly meet up on the 4th.

I am excited to talk to like minded people on a subject i've been curious about for a long time. I've only practised poly in a sexual sense once, and although it didn't turn into any long term relationships, I have not decided yet if I am truly poly, or monogamous.(sexually) As I already know emotionally and mentally I am. I think I am sitting on the fence on this one. A lot of my reticence is the weighing of pros and cons on hypothetical situations that may or may not occur in mono or poly, so its difficult to look at it objectively! The only way to know for sure really is to try and practice. Also I didn't know until this blog what I wanted out of one relationship, none the less more, and also I am learning still what exactly I'm looking for in poly relationships. WHY do I want a poly relationship etc. More on that later.

I told Adasan about going up to the Poly meetup on the 4th. He is totally cool with it, and wants to know how it goes. I'm personally way excited, as I don't know why I've put this off for so long...was it really just a fear of being known that I was poly?

I spoke to Honour last night about all my Poly ideals, she feels I will ruin what I have with Adasan by exploring this, but what she doesn't understand, is that I am more authentically being me now than I have ever been in my past, in a healthy and positive ways. I am so excited each day to wake up and be in my own skin and life! There's a bit of biochemical element to this too. After doing the paleo diet this week, I have noticed I have not needed my anti-depressants for pain in my body (As I was using that for help with M.E. not for depression etc.) It was weird for me. I don't know if I should inform my doctor and go off the drugs, or not, I took them today anyway, but it did the opposite of help, it made me fell rather ill. I'm wondering if my M.E. was a symptom of problems in my diet that would go undetected from a medical doctors point of view as they know very little to do with diet and nutrition.

It was really nice to open up to her, its the first person besides my X and M who I spoke to about this, and Adasan. But the problem is X and M I didn't know that poly existed and when I did I dint know how to articulate what I needed. I still find it hard to verbalise what I want sometimes. It's like so much feelings and thoughts are going on at the same time I need more time and space to process them all before I act on them. (even conversations).

God I missed connecting mentally and emotionally with Adasan, now that his finals are almost behind him, he's more himself and our conversations are flowing again. Thank goodness, it was just stress.

But I do find his views challenging and interesting, and I enjoy debating with him!

Now I can't wait to see what he thinks of the poly thing???

I can see interesting conversations coming up soon! My little baby steps into the poly world are starting to happen yay! :rolleyes:
 
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starlight1

Member
After exploring this site, I realised in my last relationship with two men, I was a hinge of a V. :) So now I know and able to label that, I can put that into a box and tuck it away.

After al,l my reasons coming to polyamory was because of being Bi, wanting both a male and female relationship, AT THE SAME TIME.

I ended up instead with two men as my first go around haha. Oh well, live and learn, and by writing this, I realised my first reason to want to polyamory,

because I like men and women duh :rolleyes:

I feel quite silly not realising that sooner. I can't see the forest for the trees some days :p
 

starlight1

Member
Last Night had a great time chatting with Adasan. Was so glad that we are communicating again as I felt it was a bit lacking lately.

Today I am making plans to head up to Cambridge on the 11th to meet up with some lovely ladies, on health and wellness :)

Also I am going on the 7th with a date next with Adasan, and discussing the 4th meetup, and also plans for valentines day! I think perhaps we're going to take our first full weekend away. ;)

This has been the most healthy and lovely relationships so far, and its been so natural and easy, its not to say we don't disagree on things, its just that Adasan is so relaxed about things, and very secure in himself, as well as incredibly honest, that it's so easy to want him and respect him and desire him. I feel very good and loved in this relationship, and I know that even if we don't make it long term (here's to hoping we do!) that I won't fall into a million pieces, and that I will always want the same level he gives to me -the same level of respect encouragement patience and understanding. Nothing less will do!

We had a bit of a tense moment in texts last night, as we spoke about health and wellness and how I struggle with eating sugar, but I want to really do my best on the paleo lifestyle change. So I told him I had an 80/20 rule, and he really admired my perseverance and also my courage and discipline. He texted me and said,

"I hope you love yourself enough to treat your body with respect and love, not for anyone else but yourself and because YOU want to"

I started crying after I read this because only my aunt has ever shown this level of kindness and tenderness and gentle soft understanding. It was tense for me because it was something I have been working on for many years, my self esteem and making sure I do treat myself with the respect it deserves. Hearing him say that only brought it home, how far I've come that sugar is my biggest fault now, and not emotionally destructive relationships, and not destroying myself either. And by the way I am not doing this change in lifestyle because I dislike my weight or my body, or anything to do with Adasan, although he was a catalyst and is a wealth of information. (I have my own massage therapist and nutritionist all bundled into one person!) It's more that now I have the tools and knowledge about myself to work out what works for me, and a paleo food lifestyle REALLY gels with me. I have less bloating, less fatigue, less craving for starch/sugar. I have lost 2 pounds with out starving or even exercising much more than i already do (Belly dance once a week and walking to and from places, plus a little bit of wii-fit occasionally). So I feel like, I'm finally understanding my own body, and living more health-concious and aware of what works for me in all areas of my life.

So far 2014 is looking very bright for me!

Now onto my reasons for being poly and choosing poly and what steps I'm going to take to make that a reality:

1) I want to love more than one person
2) I want the freedom to express love towards women and men while in a relationship with both, not just serial single, or serial monogamy
3) I have in the past been in love emotionally with more than one person
4)I have in the past been in relationships sexually with more than one who both knew.
5) I feel like its right for me, that I want to, that I am honestly taking away the fear of new and unknown and preconceived societal ideas and saying: What is ok for star? This is. This is right for me.

And the steps I am taking is dating people who are OK with this, and/or introducing and finding out if they are. Right now it's ambiguous with Adasan because he told me early on his body wants polyamory but his heart doesn't. S o maybe he wants FWB/sexual encounters, either way I'm open to letting him do that, and we can safely explore within each other things we were too afraid to admit, talk about before, we strip the fear from each other simply by accepting each other. It's a beautiful thing to behold.

So already started the successfully
The second step is being honest in myself I want this, and have probably wanted this for a VERY long time. And to feel the fear, but not let it dictate my actions associated with it. I sit with the fear feel it, and do what i was going to do anyway. ;)

The third step is to meet real life poly people and get involved in groups who are ok with that

The fourth step is learn better communication skills regarding how much i share as in the past with my insecurities I would "over share" now I am much more cautious on this, and I am learning like some on the web here how to share in certain circles, if they are acquaintances/friends/best friends/family/inner circle etc.

The fifth step was letting go of the guilt associated with being this way and going, I'm ok, if I am poly, i'm still me and I'm still ok!:eek:
 

starlight1

Member
I am wide awake and restless tonight. I really miss cuddles.
I've realised that I really need more intimate time, touches, days with Adasan that I am just not getting. Right now this month we have seen each other twice i believe. Maybe 3 times. Certainly not more than that.

That's just not enough.

So I sent him an email to address the problems. UGH. I understand his life is busy and i'm fourth priority on his list, and he on mine, but i think we need to try a little harder or it's going to end up being friends with benefits and not a real relationship. How can i relate emotionally/mentally with someone who barely calls/texts once or twice a week, and most the time i'm instigating. i have no problem chasing, i mean i make the effort for equal communication, but i do want responses and i want him, more of him, bleh.

I have tried really hard in this relationship to balance my own neediness, but now i feel its perfectly rational as his girlfriend to want to talk once a day, on the phone, not texts! (or skype or something!) I just miss seeing his face, seeing him laugh, seeing him PERIOD. And I really get reassurance from a physical presence and communication that things are ok, that we're ok, and that we're heading in the same direction.

I've been up all night and not able to sleep. Doesn't help I've been under the weather the past few days.(Cold sore throat) At this rate no point in sleeping at all as girls have to be up for school soon. I may as well start breakfast early!
:confused:

I'm just really confused by this relationship as it's very different from any other relationship i've ever had. What has been normal in the past is men who wanted to push themselves on me hard and fast, and i had to take my time deciding what i want and go at a slower pace, this is the first time dating someone at the same pace as me, who takes his time and goes with the flow like me. so if we both go with the flow, who initiates? lol.:confused:
 

starlight1

Member
Shifting Sands

Sigh.

A lot has happened since my last post. Relationships are so hard to maintain when the other person doesnt want to. I was in a really good relationship for december with Adasan, and then january, no communication.
Then out of the blue he says he wants to end it.
I mean. I sort of see it coming but not really.

All I wanted was for him to open up to me and include him in his life and he didnt want to. He didnt want to invite me to meet his family. He didnt want me to meet his friends. He closed off and backed away.

I am glad I saw this sooner rather than later because, clearly he wasnt that into me.

So, now i'm left feeling sad. I mean I know it was the right thing to do, but I still cared a great deal for him and my heart hurts. I have learned a lot of lessons from this relationship...and now its time to move on. Maybe take some time out from starting realtionships, and focus on me and what poly is and making friends.

My heart just hurts. We had amazing experiences together and now we won't anymore.

I have talked to other people about the positives and spent all day talking about postives. But here in te middle of the night, I know that I wanted a normal healthy relationship and I chose another dud. Real relationships work on a steady foundation not just sex. I was his FWB not a girlfriend. And I am worth more than that. I know I am. I just hurt because now I've lost all that hope I invested in.

And time and energy. I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I think I need time to process this to grieve. So, I will. I'll just be with my emotions and grieve. :(

Being solo is HARD sometimes.
 

starlight1

Member
I'm trying to figure out what is lacking in my life, that I feel i NEED a relationship, rather than just want one.
I've been single before, and didn't feel this intense NEED i feel right now.

It's a new concept for me.
I have been dating, and trying dating different people for awhile now, november I think, before that I had about 8 months hiatus, after again, dating a lot of different people and nothing working out.

I find it exhausting to try and push this issue as clearly with kids and my self employment business it's probably not the best time. Maybe taking a break from pursuing relationships is a good idea. Some break ups were mutual, some were me, some where them, so i dont feel particularly needy..though perhaps I come across that way just because i'm super determined and when i want something i go at it 100%. Also i am in major transition this summer with a move to another country with my girls, so i think relationships will have to take a back burner for awhile.

I also ran myself too thin lately, between education, work, and kids, i had precious little time to date anyway. And this week my youngest got sick with tonsilitis, canceled on future date plans, as she had a temp of 104. It was craziness. So yeah I'm thinking now's not the time to do this poly thing.

I am feeling at peace with this decision and hope that I can continue forward positively from here. I will keep you all informed on how it goes, and if i ever figure out if i'm poly or not.

:eek:
 

starlight1

Member
Well, reading these last posts from myself have derailed my origin thoughts. So much has happened this last year since that post. I have healed on many levels that allows for true intimacy and relationships and not superficial or needy ones.

I am successfully dating in the poly world and with the loss of labels and expectations comes a maturity and clarity towards life and myself, as well as what healthy relationships look like. For the first time in my life I now have multiple layers of friendships, relationships, families and lovers and I feel expansive and wonderful. It is a much healthier place to be.

And people I truly know have my back for many years, and aren't just passing through, and if I meet someone who is that's ok too.

I finally explored my bisexual side with women properly, and was amazing and intimate. I also opened up and redefined, or undefined, my relationship with a man who we were together monogamously for 8 months. Then he broke up with me and now he asked me back. However between the breakup and now, I started actually going to poly meetups and dating a woman who is bi and poly too, and we are going out again this week. So I approached the ex with this news telling him if he wanted me back in his life he would have to accept my poly curiosity and exploration and how did he feel about it? He told me he was relieved for me to see other people and I feel better for speaking my truth and him voicing his. We decided to leave the relationship ambiguous until after my trip to America. I was originally going to move back but instead stayed in uk. Now my business has taken off and I am a busy bee, and I have a strong network of friends, and friends who are like family. As well as extended family in the West Country. Life is extremely good now I must say. Very peaceful and productive.

I am very happy with the relationship(s) so far and life is good. I am also thrilled at the new level of openness and honesty with Rocky. I think life is a roller coaster and I enjoy the journey right now.
 

starlight1

Member
It's been a month of open ethical polyamory, with Rocky, and Lily being the two main people I am seeing at the moment.

I have to say the journey now stripped of fear and with a lot of honesty, towards myself and others has been very amazing. I wouldn't trade it for the world. This last week I also went on a date with a man named Redford, and another man named Achilles.

I chose Redford because the first older man reminds me of a British rugged version of Robert Redford, and the second because he is Greek originally, and if I were to paint my version of Achilles, it would look like this man lol.

Both are incredibly gorgeous inside and out and both openly non monogamous. Oh the lovely ok Cupid and poly meet ups. So many fascinating people.

The things with Rock right now are amazing, we talked very freely using a lot of ethical slut guidelines as I am reading through the book, and shared bits and pieces with him. The risk of allowing him back in my life, and of us renegotiating and reestablishing trust, was world altering for us both. Our level of love and trust has deepened exponentially and he is very OK with me being poly even going to one of the meeting this next week. He is not sure he actually is that way but he's very happy I am happy.

It was interesting talking about jealousy, estsblishing boundaries, what works, what doesn't and how to help him feel reassured.
His list of things he feels reassured by is:
1) cuddles / physical touch
2) watching GOT with just him (it's been our thing for a year now)
3) forehead massage
4) telling him I love him
5) walks in the Heath / park
6) particular set of underwear that is just for me and him
7) taking a shower before I see him / change clothes so I don't nessecarily smell like other men's pheromones.
8) open dialogue about everything going on
9) safe word for meet ups and discussions that allow us to calm down if emotionally upset in anyway

These all seem very sensible to me, and I am enjoying learning about him more, his boundaries and level of trust and confidence...we bring out such good in each other and it was extremely hard for both of us to not talk for the month in a half when we both had no contact. I have never been in such an amazing relationship before, and even though we are putting no pressure on it, it keeps evolving naturally on its own with the kindness respect love and decency it deserves. He's such a laid back and kind caring person.

He adoringly teases me that I am still a bit much for him, (one of the reasons we broke up), but it's more of a term of endearment now as he is more comfortable with how I function and I time conversations and situations better. But I also think secretly he enjoys the stimulation. His family is very predictable and routine, and I bring out his adventure and fun, I also challenge his beliefs culture and social assumptions about all things...and vice versa.

We went out to dinner last night and it was such a good time. I think I am going to take him on the London eye next time we go out. The last two weeks have all been in either his bed or mine due to kids and also catch up for the month and half break :rolleyes: lol. It was good times! But it's also equally nice to go out on a proper date now that we have restablished our new paradigm relationship.
Last night was particularly endearing because Rocky told me he loved me again, I knew he had been wounded deeply with trust before, and now being reassured I never meant to hurt him in the past, he and I have almost completely repaired our trust, in a way I would say we are stronger now than we have ever been and have moved from NRE and honeymoon phase into commitment to keep each other in our lives one way or another. Which is so amazing and wonderful for both of us.

On Lily's front, we continue to get to know each other, seeing each other about once a week. Often we hang out at mine or hers making dinner for each other, chilling, laughing, cuddling, sometimes other things.... ;)

She is kind, genuine, hard work, beautiful, generous, sweet, adorable...she feels a need is side me that makes me feel mor authentic and alive than ever before. And it's so very peaceful as she is just such a good hearted kind person.
I don't know what I have done to deserve such amazing people in my life but I am so glad for them. And the best part is for thee first time ever I feel like I have met people who are going to be life long connections of some sort, not just passing through sexually / emotionally etc. I just have grown so much in the last year, and feel like the stronger sexier happier woman I always wanted to be.

The also bonus side of effect of all this happiness and fun times is that I have stablised into my prepregnancy and highschool weight. I just feel so healthy and full of life and energy. I am so freaking blessed right now. :D
 

starlight1

Member
I had a really long chat last night with IrishCoffee about his version of poly. Ever since poly has been an actuality in my life, I have been asking a lot of questions and researching a lot into what works for other people and then trying it out and seeing if it works for me.

So I have realised I am not a BDSM or kinky person because of my past history in sexual abuse. It's kind of disappointing because the curious adventurous part of me loves the idea of it. However, It makes me trigger, so I will now gently have to let IrishCoffee down in the casual sexual front, because although I am somewhat attracted to him physically, and deeply respectful of him emotionally/intellectually , I can't be dealing with those triggers. Especially since for the most part I don't have those triggers in my daily life right now or with any other sexual partner.... I think not stirring the pot of my inner peace and sanity is the healthiest and simplist choice for me right now. I really was curious about kink , I did try some rope play with Irish, which was interesting but even that small amount triggered me, and I want my relationships to work on a different paradigm to my past ones, ie, to be a safe haven and a place I do not have to worry that need to diffuse or desensitise a situation. Perhaps much down the road I can revisit this, which the past has been laid to rest and when I am not dealing with so much at once.

I also had a lovely long phone chat with Lily last night. She was in freak out mode because I asked since we were seeing each other once a week anyway if she'd like to schedule a day to do that regularly. From what I understand is she's having a hard time with this new journey is figuring out what she wants and the types of love out there. She is happy and calm and content with me, but neither of us have NRE for each other, we are more evolving into best friends who occasionally sexy each other up. But at the same time we aren't just friends, so it's a big strange one...not sure where it's going but I think we'll be in each other's life for quite some time. Also she is struggling with overwhelming NRE for a man who is poly but not quite sure if she is herself, although she is dating around and trying out a lot of different types of relationships at once. I think perhaps burnout is happening, and. I just want to cuddle her and reassure her she is ok, and if she wants sex or not it's ok.

Another huge and left for last because I am still processing...is Rocky's uncle died last night suddenly when admitted for a kidney infection, the. His kidneys shut down and he died. I know not only is Rocky dealing with the loss of a family member but that right now he is going to be extremely emotionally triggered after the shock wears off. The only other death he has had is his grandfather and it was hugely traumatic for him, and sent him tail spinning at the time. Also, this may subconsciously make him fear for me, as last year when we were dating about four months into I suddenly had an unexplained problem with my liver when it stopped functioning and was hospitalised for ten days where I seriously almost died, I was losing blood from every or afire, and puking every thirty seconds, to the point when I went to hospital I had lost a stone in a week, and was dangerously dehydrated and couldn't keep even water down. So this is going to be very hard on him. And everyone in his family ..is for lack of a better word, emotionally stunted. They don't know how to connect with what they are feeling in the moment and then express it...the opposite of mine, who never stop to think how their words or actions affect others lol.

So I can see this being something that becomes a burden on him to get his family to express how they feel about this. To the exclusion of his own feelings. Right now as he is my most devoted loving man in the world, I will be his oasis, his refuge away from that, the place he can be vulnerable and allow me to help share his burden. This is why I want poly, this is what I want. I want deep emotional and physical connections with people truly able to be honest with themselves and honest with others. Doing so helps me be a better person, it highlights my faults and helps me work on them and in that way give back and help others through my own weaknesses and strengths. I am so enjoying authentically being me, and I hope he does come over tomorrow or the day after to receive unconditional love freely.

As for everything else in my poly life, life is good. It s chaotic...went out with girls yesterday to an art May Day event that I am involved loosely with through an arts network. It was fabulous and everyone did a great job, I wasn't able to get a sitter because of extenuinatig circumstances where planning wasn't confirmed in advance to know if he or I was having the girls. When I do have them on weekends I prefer to be with them and present, not with a sitter.
 

starlight1

Member
I had a platonic friend from the arts network over tonight. Really sweet guy I have zero interest in other than mates. It's a bank holiday weekend here so everything was shut today, so I took the advantage of a day off from work.
I spent four lazy hours in the bath reading poly books and forums on here, gleaning insight and understanding. I am learning a lot about my own communication style.

The chapter in. More than two on boundaries was so poignant for me. I realised that I have never had clear boundaries and even when I thought I did I caved to pressure from people closest to me, BecauseI didn't want to disappoint/ hurt them.

I feel I really need to read that chapter a few more times then put my list of boundaries physical and mental on here. I have never done that before.
It might be helpful to do this with Rocky at some point to and learn what his boundaries are. We seem to have a lot of fuzzy unclear ideas about things. For example I think one of my boundaries would be i want a few days notice before a planned event/ date etc.

Hmm as a preliminary I have been thinking what are my boundaries with rocky and instead I keep coming up with subversive controlling things rather than my own boundaries. How alarming but how very glad I am I am realising this about myself, it means I can change it. And it puts to bed that subconscious niggling feeling I was being like my mother. I know this is how she operates with communication, so I know where I learned it from. But knowing where it comes from doesn't help one fix it, so I am eternally grateful for these lovely books, they give more practical advice on healing from destructive relationships and navigating new ones in a better positive place than any self hel books I ever read on the subject.

I have been in text conversation with rocky today just giving him love and support. This week will be hard for him to schedule anything beforehand with me, and this is generally the case with him right now because he works shift work. Four days on to days off. Which is mostly fine by me (opportunity to learn a boundary about myself and to explore later!) he has been adorable with sending lots of kisses, and really reaching out, I am going to see him on the weekend at his with leaving it open for him to come down my way sooner. He also texted me saying I was welcome at his anytime, and offered me to stay over on Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday if I wanted!! I was kind of mind blown and haven't yet responded because we have never spent this much time together since Christmas, on our week long trip to Budapest.

I haven't spent the time with him because..I wasn't emotionally ready to do that many days in a row yet, and each time we have was on my period and I get very strange emotionally and triggery around that time. I am however acknowledging my own deficiencies in being kind and decent regardless of time of month, and working on not taking those out on rocky. I think this time around with no pressure or worry about moving in with him yet, or marriage yet, I can do this. And truthfully I have grown so much as a person with him, he is such a pleasure to be I his company I just wasn't able to appreciate it before, I just was chafing at the monogamy bit. I feel much more at ease being myself authentically. I am not sure why I keep trying to do monogamy when it is such a disaster for Me. You think 'd learn, but hope and living in fantasy can die slow deaths I think lol. This blog I am using to keep myself accountable and real. There will be the unapologetic truth, I have spent too many years saying sorry for me being me.

No more.
I will post more later, as I have a poly meetup tomorrow and a date(coffee) with a potential local man from okc.

I am also walking with Lily and her metamour Zara fromtrainstation to meetup. Woo hoo. it will be great chatting and laughing and having fun. :) I will also be seeing IrishCoffee and Redford there hopefully ! Good times!
 
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starlight1

Member
So I thought I might fill in the gaps in my life from March 2014 to this year. And yes it's been a year of amazing adventures.

It was a year of my highest and lowest points in my life all at the same time. Back in 2013 my family member Honour left to go back to America, by this time I thought I might try dating again after The short lived relationship with Adasan.

About five frustrating first dates later and just about ready to give up on dating at all, I went out with Rocky for the first time. At the time my daughter ShootingStar had slammed the front door in my living room in a girly hissy fit with my boundary setting of her bed time. After this display of anger the top door, which is an old Victorian home, with original pieces came off the top hinge. So instead of planning my first date out and cancelling I asked if Rocky would come by and help me out the door back together. I learned so much about this man on that first date and already was falling for his willingness to get stuck in, his good sense of humour and just all around easy nature. There was a naturalness from the start that made being around him as easy as breathing.

I was completely and utterly smitten with him physically and intellectually, and we were both nervous but excited and enjoying ourselves.
The relationship over time progressed along a monogamous route simply because I had not thought about poly much, I put it in the closet for awhile after Adasan and the ex husband setting me up with things I wasn't happy with. However I now see this as them being not cool, and me not having boundaries rather than poly itself being the problem.

So anyway, we went on regular dates, he took me out, I took him out we explored in England , out of England and elsewhere. I got to teach him the ins and outs of a lot of things relating to sex and life and he taught me a lot about making love, giving love, receiving love, and good communication skills. We compliment each other very well!

Rocky is lean muscles, broad shoulders tapering into a perfect shape. A lovely but and gorgeous legs. He has gentle brown eyes, with small specks of gold. He has a strong jaw with metrosexual looking face. He has dark thick eybrows and pronounced forehead that makes him look intense and broody at times.
One of myfavourite things is his long dark curls that remind me of Jon snow on GOT, with a beautiful hooked regal nose, set on the most adorable smile known to man. He flashes that smile his whole face lights up and I melt inside.

But even more than all that incredible hotness, underneath is a man of integrity, kindness, gentleness and strength. More strength than he knows. He gives so unselfishly and with his whole heart. I very quickly allowed him into my life. He is the first romantic person since 2011 who met my kids. And it was so natural. So easy...

However as time went on I started to itch with monogamy. I could feel it. Every time he wanted to progress with me, like take me to his best friends wedding, and talk about kids and marriage and living together...I just wasn't ready, I wasn't ready because I wasn't authentically being me about being poly. So I tentatively put the idea out there. But I became snappish and outbursts at small things when all this went on. I was also under huge strain because of illness I mentioned before, the local authority swooped in and took my kids off me placing them with their dad when I fainted at the kids school. I didn't know what to do at this time (before Xmas 2014), and went in a huge negative self pity loathing spiral of pain and anguish.

Because of this spiral Rocky broke up with me. That was the thing ironically that snapped me out of it and got me focusing on what I could make better or change. I am in a real horrible legal battle spanning four years because of my health and kids and UK government involvement in my life. Thankfully, besides that blip in January when he couldn't deal, he has been utterly supportive. Everyone is human, and I was in a pretty destructive place.

We spent 4/6weeks apart before I texted him letting him know my dad had been told he had cancer. It was like one bad thing happened after another from November to March and I am not really sure how I kept my sanity.
All I know is when we saw each other we lept into each other's arms like two people dying for water in a desert.
We had mind blowing amazing sex, that connected so deeply and emotionally.

We talked, laughed, I cried a little. It was just so overwhelming. Then we redefined. I broke down and explained why I had been hiding poly (court /kids)
And I explained how badly I needed to be 100% honest with him about all things. He appologised for abandoning me explaining that it was his MO that when someone got like I did to walk away for self preservation and he felt like a total dick to me.
I forgave him and we put it behind us and redefined the relationship as ambitious.
A month into ambiguity and me dating other people including women. I told him I still love him, and I consider him my primary partner and want to have him in my life forever in some capacity even if in ends up friends only, that I just couldn't see my life without him in it.
That was hugely vulnerable for me. At this time he opened up about his own vulnerable things in his life...we connected intellectually and emotionally during this time so intensely we both felt and said we thought we were having sex with our minds. I just can't get over the depth of my feelings for this man. It's crazy.

Now we are into one year of amazing sex with the best relationship I have ever had, and he is just so amazing to me. When I look at home so much love comes out from my heart. We agreed together to fight together for the girls to be back with me. We are united in purpose and drive and life, and life is good. He came to court with me, and since then has never let me down. I have also changed my snarky angry habit, and am very conscious of what I say and do that could inflict harm in a passive aggressive way or controlling way.

So that's a basis of where we are now. Freaking awesome relationship. Le sigh. So happy. Can't wait to see him again!!
 

starlight1

Member
Yesterday was a really awesome day!

I managed to push through a block with my health! For awhile now, I've been walking halfway to a local village from my village, but not all the way there and back. (Around 2 miles total.) This time I walked all the way there and back on my own. Needs must as I didn't have my bus card, and I was going on a date lol. My bus card was at my friends Siren and Gale's house.

Yesterday, in the windy-yet-warm spring air, I went on a date with a random OKC person..lol it was horrendous. It was one of my top 5 worst dates EVER. I was sitting across from this man in a pub in the nearby village, feeling elated that today I was going to walk all the way down there and back today!

Let's call him R for this post. We were meeting midday, having drinks.

In the first ten minutes of conversation R starts ranting to me about a woman who he went on a date recently (Not a good start already!) and by 15 minutes he tells me he hates kids. I can understand this, (which is fine sort-of...I mean the opinion is fine) but I was bothered by the fact R thought that it was the woman's fault if she has kids, and how aweful that is.

So I asked clarifying questions: "So you dislike this particular woman because she has kids?"

"Or do you dislike this particular person because you think her choice to have kids were wrong?"

He said he disliked the way she had treated him, AND that he "looked less on her for choosing kids". :eek:

I said: "You do realise I have kids right?" And he goes "No" his eyes wide and innoccent. I'm like, "It was on my profile." :confused:

So that was a lunch fail, the conversation was very stilted and awkward, and I told him very gently but very plainly I wasn't interested in a relationship with him, but would be happy to be his friend. That didn't go down so well, he tried the passive agressive route saying I was his first date on OKC, and I said,

"well theres plenty of other people in London, I might be first but I don't have to be the last and I'm sure you can find someone."

He said I was quick to judge,

My reply was: "It's ok to know what you like and know what works for you, and what doesn't work for you. I am just being honest in that for me I don't think this is a right fit."

Then on the site when I checked later there was a passive agressive message that mentioned something trivial about me that he didn't like, and turning it around like he rejected me. I just shrugged. I was really glad I am learning clear boundaries. I need to keep doing these dates and communicating clearly with a lot of people. Stating my boundaries in a kind, consistent, and firm way, that allows for open dialogue, but also creates a space of knowing where I stand.

I also spent my bank holiday reading all the lovely blogs here, some I haven't finished yet, some I am still working on (12+ pages some!! lol) and I want to digest them individually, as I don't want to confuse different stories. I relate a lot of to Reverie's blog simply because every time I read about Rider I smile internally as I relate quite a bit to his thinking and boundary quandries.

When do you disclose and or ask if its ok to include someone in a blog? I am considering deleting some of my entries about Rocky until I get his OK, as it just didn't occur to me to ask him if he was ok with me mentioning him. I am thinking while dealing with personal crisis not such a good idea.

I am not intentionally inconsiderate, I just have a BIG thing to work through with past conditioning, and also I am a total flake on what I have said / did, (Think Dory sometimes, adorable but a total spaz sometimes!)...I blame being an artist and using my right side of brain too much LOL.

So now that I'm done excusing bad behaviour :eyeroll: I will say that for me a lot of time the most obvious solution doesn't come to me easily, and neither does thinking about the potetial situation before hand. It frustrates me a lot because I will say / do something that then others point out was totally the wrong timing or not thinking before I leap.

I can't tell you the amount of times I have almost accidently walked in front of a moving vehicle. LOL. oh my...

So moving back to my day yesterday:

After the fail date, I hung out with the bartender at the pub, a new person in the area named Stu for this blog post. He mentioned looking for an assistant manager - we had such a great easy going conversation. I really enjoyed talking to him! It was so natural and easy-flowing. I told him about being an aritst and he offered me the job as the assistant manager, so I will be picking up a CV in a few days to give to him. This is really cool for me, it's only part time and I can totally see it feeding into a positive loop with my business as I learn how to manage other people situations, books etc. I am feeling very good about this move, and looking forward to learning and growing in all areas of life. If I get this for sure, then I can transfer down the road into almost any management job! It would be absolutely vital skills. :) So how is that for turning lemons into lemonaide??

After that on my way back I thought since I can't get ahold of Siren and Gale on the phone, them being so random with their schedules and lives, that I would just stop by their house and visit. I also wanted to share my day and different things.

So I stopped by their places, ok so total-truth here: I am totally into both of them, but as I am learning my boundaries there are some relationships I just don't want to cross into sexual, this is one of them! Some people I could do this with and some not, because, basically they used to be poly in the past and it didn't work out so well...it's complicated. They never looked for it actively- it just happened. So I don't want to stir up awkward things for them. :) Plus it was Siren who had two guys, not Siren sharing Gale, which could be a totally different situation all together! However they do a lot of gigs and stuff too, so I will definitely do some more jamming with them. I play the flute so I adore hanging out being creative with them. We all are into visual art (painting) and musical art (guitar/baseguitar/drums/flute).

I also enjoy writing/blogging, and Gale writing music, and Siren is into Acting. We're all a part of the same arts group that I hang out once a month...which has a lot of really great people!

Anyway I stayed there from 1pm to 6pm, having just a wonderful time. Ever since having kids I secluded myself away from everyone. I didn't open my world and life up - and it was REALLY difficult for me to find anyone to be inclusive in my area that is realllly conservative and I couldn't find anyone at the kids school I gelled with. I was feeling quite isolated. :(

Now if court goes my way and I get them back either full time or half/half, I am definitely keeping my life more open and inclusive. I am done cloistering myself away.
 
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starlight1

Member
Continued from previous post:

So that brings me to today! Today I had an on-going issue I have been dealing with, with the X husband, that just feels like it keeps recycling back in my life. So I can't talk a lot about it, but it did mean that I am now openly poly with the police (Yeah I know, I know, weird!). Thank god it's London, because well, i'm sure they have heard it all. lol. And thankfully its none of the Children's social services business. I am not harming anyone with it, (certainly not the kids!) and if anything the only one harming me is the X, and I am drawing my line of boundary in the sand. So, I just asked a lot of clarifying questions on what the info would be used in this case and where it would go etc, I felt ok with owning this new identity. I mean, I have been thinking about this path for quite a few years, now it just feels more and more right, and it's making me so happy! Also I had prepped yesterday with the poly forums here on this question- Less is more! I didn't come out and say "hey i'm openly poly", I just said, I am open-minded, and I believe in consensual honest open communication between myself and whomever I choose to be with. So I think I handled myself with confidence, grace, and courage today.

Tonight I skype with my girls (YAY!) and phone date with Lily, (another yay!) Plus I am finally painting again after a month of not being able to do ANY art. I finally feel well enough emotionally to dig back into it. I can do it. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, court or not, police or not, drama outside of my control or not, work is work and it provides a solace and a place of peace in my life that makes me clearer and in control of my own life.

Lily and I are making plans to go to a movie next week, I can see an endearing long term friendship blossoming, and it's beautiful. :) I am very happy with this current set up! :rolleyes:

I also have another potential date from OKC (It's a numbers game right???!) and this guy is soooo sweet and I am so excited about him, that I actually added him as a name on here: Daniel. We both felt like we instantly recognised each others pictures on OKC, and we have spent a lot of time communicating with each other in the last week or so. We both almost automatically said to each other like we felt we knew each other before, and it was so easy to talk to each other. He's taking me out to go somewhere in London either Sunday or later, it will depend on what I am doing Sunday, (I think I have a Photography session planned with a Platonic Poly friend). And since I promised Saturday night with Rocky, it might be a full weekend haha. I will see the girls on Saturday and it makes sense to spend the night with Rocky because how close to each other they are location wise. I am keeping Sunday open for Daniel though, outside of the photography. :)

I put the name Daniel because he reminds me physically of how I imagined Daniel and the lions den- I remember seeing a drawing of that in a book once as a child and that was the picture that came to mind when I thought of a name now.

Also the nice thing about Daniel is on the phone he asked me a LOT about poly as he had never come across it, he said he was looking for his soul mate but believed that there was more than one soul mate in the world (Aw! already squee there!), and that his best friend was a soulmate to him too. I could really see Rocky and Daniel getting on like a house on fire. They have many similar aspects, laid back, same age, family businesses, big families, oldest sibling.....hard working, funny, interesting, musical, etc. Anyway as I said super-excited to meet up with Daniel. :D I will definitely keep you in the loop on that one.

He and I have a lot of things in common too, Ice skating, geeky FF7 obsession, music (We're going to jam doing piano and flute sometime!), I am thinking Thanksgiving in London 2015 is going to be FREAKING AWESOME! I am making an intentional family, and I will have the love and give the love I have never had in my past before Rocky. Rocky is and was and always will be one of those raise-the-bar relationships, he's a huge game changer for me, and I am honoured to know everyone I know so far, they are so awesome and cool and make me so happy!!

Surely if I were still religious it would be a sin to be this happy hehehe. :p
 
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