Feeling hopeless in a V

N

Nelara

New member
My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have talked about polyamory for a long time, it was always something that we felt would just happen if we found the right person. We met this woman that we both really liked, however she was living and in a relationship with another woman so it was never pursued. However, after talking to her about polyamory she seemed to come around to the idea and on an individual level my husband got closer to her than I did. He seemed interested in trying to pursue a relationship with her, and i personally was uncertain if i was straight or bisexual, or how anything would play out, but I agreed to let her visit us for awhile as she lived in another state.

She was still with her SO when she got here, and the relationship stuff had never been talked about. The second day she was here we ended up having a threesome, i was very uncomfortable because she was in a relationship and cheating on her SO. The first few days i seemed alright with the situation, until i noticed that my husband was completely neglecting me and only seemed interested in her. They started having sex constantly in another room, and i just broke down and couldn't handle it anymore. I did not want to start a relationship like this with sex being one of the first connections.

I am falling apart, for the last 4 days i can't stop crying or fighting with my husband. One of the major causes of my pain has been that my husband betrayed my trust and i felt like he risked my health by having unprotected sex with this woman. I feel like i can't trust him anymore, and all i want to do is crawl under a rock. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist that is poly friendly in hopes that i can work through this, but i'm afraid i'm going to rip everything apart before i can get there.

Today, she broke up with her girlfriend and she has nowhere to go. I now feel like i have to just deal with this. I have extreme anxiety and have become very dependent on my husband, and have nowhere to go. I'm not sure what to do with myself because i can't stop feeling so depressed. Now i am going to be stuck living in this situation. I have barely had any time to spend talking to my husband about anything except fighting. I can tell he is pulling away as am I because of the way i feel.

I would appreciate any advice, as i feel so hopeless.
 
FIRST-stop focusing on the EMOTIONS you are feeling and start focusing on your LONG TERM GOALS.

Second-make a list of what you absolutely NEED.

Third-make a list of things you would PREFER.

Fourth-make a list of 5 things you can do today to start pursuing the effort to get the things on your list.

Fifth-stop and think about what it is you are doing. THINKING something sounds "fun" is not the same as REALLY considering ALL OF THE POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES.

In every action we take, every word we speak we create a ripple effect of consequences.Some are good, some are bad. A responsible person takes the time to REALLY deeply consider every single POSSIBLE consequence before they choose a course of action. Additionally they need to consider PROBABILITY of the consequences.

I read your post and my first thought was "well damn, it was only yesterday that Pastor Tim was talking about how God designed men to need sex and designed women to need love and that we need to work to fulfil one anothers needs." That thought was followed by-"so of course if you put it in front of him and you and/or he isn't REALLY taking time to consider ALL of the POSSIBLE consequences, shit is GOING to hit the fan."

Now-don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying he is not responsible for his actions. He absolutely is. You are also responsible. You both chose to take this course. There isn't a QUICK or EASY fix.

The good news is that educating yourself on polyamory and love and relationships and anything really will improve your plight!

www.lovemore.com
www.xeromag.com (click on polyamory then read the articles)
www.lovewithoutlimits.com

If you read books-check these out:
The Seven Levels of Intimacy (great book about intimacy and improving yourself and all of your relationships)
The New Love Without Limits (decent book about polyamory)
Opening Up (decent book about open relationships)
Living Happily Ever After (this one is a great one for improving yourself-not a polyamory book)
 
I can't say that I've been in that type of situation and I'm new to this whole thing as well, but I feel for you and I hope that you can get things worked out. Communication is the key to any relationship and if that breaks down, then there isn't much of a relationship left. Sometimes the new relationship chemicals make people do dumb things as well. My advice would be to just try and communicate and if that doesn't work, then you may have to make a tough decision either way. I hope this helps some. ;)

LovingRadiance said:
FIRST-stop focusing on the EMOTIONS you are feeling and start focusing on your LONG TERM GOALS.

Second-make a list of what you absolutely NEED.

Third-make a list of things you would PREFER.

Fourth-make a list of 5 things you can do today to start pursuing the effort to get the things on your list.

Fifth-stop and think about what it is you are doing. THINKING something sounds "fun" is not the same as REALLY considering ALL OF THE POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES.

In every action we take, every word we speak we create a ripple effect of consequences.Some are good, some are bad. A responsible person takes the time to REALLY deeply consider every single POSSIBLE consequence before they choose a course of action. Additionally they need to consider PROBABILITY of the consequences.

I read your post and my first thought was "well damn, it was only yesterday that Pastor Tim was talking about how God designed men to need sex and designed women to need love and that we need to work to fulfil one anothers needs." That thought was followed by-"so of course if you put it in front of him and you and/or he isn't REALLY taking time to consider ALL of the POSSIBLE consequences, shit is GOING to hit the fan."

Now-don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying he is not responsible for his actions. He absolutely is. You are also responsible. You both chose to take this course. There isn't a QUICK or EASY fix.

The good news is that educating yourself on polyamory and love and relationships and anything really will improve your plight!

www.lovemore.com
www.xeromag.com (click on polyamory then read the articles)
www.lovewithoutlimits.com

If you read books-check these out:
The Seven Levels of Intimacy (great book about intimacy and improving yourself and all of your relationships)
The New Love Without Limits (decent book about polyamory)
Opening Up (decent book about open relationships)
Living Happily Ever After (this one is a great one for improving yourself-not a polyamory book)
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I've never heard such generic, self-advertising crap in my life. I really hope she doesn't take this advice to heart. And how the hell are emotions not important?! Really?! Emotions play a HUGE role! Relationships aren't just about planning out something that you want. You have to work at them and figure out what you BOTH want AND feel. You are right about taking responsibility for your actions, but I think the approach was a little off. Seemed a bit harsh to me.
 
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samaki82 said:
I've never heard such generic, self-advertising crap in my life.
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Ummm are you ok there Samaki? Everyone has a right to thier opinion but there are guidelines on this forum about showing respect for others I believe, and some things can be worded a little less personal/confrontational.
Just concerned about you.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
Ummm are you ok there Samaki? Everyone has a right to thier opinion but there are guidelines on this forum about showing respect for others I believe, and some things can be worded a little less personal/confrontational.
Just concerned about you.
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I agree; I apologize for being so harsh. I just thought that it was a bit disrespectful the way she approached her advice. It was kind of a reaction to her dismissive reaction to me and my post. So Loving Radiance, I'm sorry for what I said.
 
samaki82 said:
I've never heard such generic, self-advertising crap in my life. I really hope she doesn't take this advice to heart. And how the hell are emotions not important?! Really?! Emotions play a HUGE role! Relationships aren't just about planning out something that you want. You have to work at them and figure out what you BOTH want AND feel. You are right about taking responsibility for your actions, but I think the approach was a little off. Seemed a bit harsh to me.
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Emotions are important, however, if you want to make sensible decisions-you have to take yourself out of the heat of the emotion to consider it and think it through.

As a HIGHLY emotional person myself-I have a good amount of experience in this.
I didn't say that relationships are ONLY about planning. If they were, I wouldn't be married to the man I fell in love with (all emotions) 22 years ago. I sure as hell wouldn't be dating the boyfriend who fell for me 17 years ago (all emotion).
BUT-if I got caught up in the emotions of hurt, disappointment, fear etc-I also wouldn't be married to the man who broke my heart repeatedly with his mistakes in the last 22 years nor would I be dating the sweet man who broke my heart with his stupid little mistakes in the last 17 years AND that's not even considering all the mistakes I made that created all those painful emotions for them-if they had gotten too caught up in those emotions-we wouldn't be together either.

Emotions ARE important, but so is self-introspection.
Relationships are work.
Marriage is MORE work.
Poly is EVEN MORE work.

If one has a tendency to allow their emotions to drive their actions, instead of maintaining control over their behavior themselves, they aren't going to succeed at relationships, be they marriage, dating, mono, poly or whatever.

It wasn't meant to be a cruel post-but seeing as I'm not new to open relationships and I am successful in them; as I'm not struggling with communication, or low self-esteem, or jealousy, or fear of the unknown;
BUT I HAVE IN THE PAST and I MANAGED TO OVERCOME IT SUCCESSFULLY and to maintain successful relationships....

It stands to reason I might not be so "full of shit" as you think I am.
;)
 
samaki82 said:
I agree; I apologize for being so harsh. I just thought that it was a bit disrespectful the way she approached her advice. It was kind of a reaction to her dismissive reaction to me and my post. So Loving Radiance, I'm sorry for what I said.
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What LR said makes sense. Take the emotion out for a second and understand the personal goals. :)...

I don't think LR would ever say relationships don't contain emotion (in fact she may be the last person to say it haha), but its difficult to work in the context of a relationship without understanding what you want/need/respect. Otherwise you could end up in an emotional tailspin.

Obviously past that talk to your partner about everything involved and move from that point forward understanding your individual goals and the goals of a couple.
 
LovingRadiance said:
Emotions are important, however, if you want to make sensible decisions-you have to take yourself out of the heat of the emotion to consider it and think it through.


I didn't say that relationships are ONLY about planning.


Emotions ARE important, but so is self-introspection.
Relationships are work.
Marriage is MORE work.
Poly is EVEN MORE work.

If one has a tendency to allow their emotions to drive their actions, instead of maintaining control over their behavior themselves, they aren't going to succeed at relationships, be they marriage, dating, mono, poly or whatever.

It wasn't meant to be a cruel post-but seeing as I'm not new to open relationships and I am successful in them; as I'm not struggling with communication, or low self-esteem, or jealousy, or fear of the unknown;
BUT I HAVE IN THE PAST and I MANAGED TO OVERCOME IT SUCCESSFULLY and to maintain successful relationships....

It stands to reason I might not be so "full of shit" as you think I am.
;)
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Thank you for explaining and I apologize for being so bold with my reaction. I see where you are coming from and I agree that you shouldn't let your emotions drive your decision. ;) I wish you would have included the amount of work that these types of relationships take in your first post. I hope that they can talk about things and work through it somehow.
 
samaki82 said:
I agree; I apologize for being so harsh. I just thought that it was a bit disrespectful the way she approached her advice. It was kind of a reaction to her dismissive reaction to me and my post. So Loving Radiance, I'm sorry for what I said.
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Samaki-
I'm sorry if you interpretted my advice as dismissive.
Believe me-it's not-and it is heartfelt.

I don't in anyway advice FORGETTING about one's emotions.
Just step outside of them-not permanently-but pointedly and purposefully.

I was telling my husband the other day-as an example,
When we have an argument and I'm furious,
in my mind I may be thinking

FUCK YOU!!!!

But what I say is

I LOVE YOU!!!!

(even if I have to grit my teeth)

Then I count to whatever number it requires to make myself calm down enough to step out of my personal emotions and try to look at the issue from a more objective point of view.

It's not that my feelings aren't hurt or that I'm not angry. It's that I'm not focusing on that while I try to figure out solutions.

The links and the books I wrote about-I've read them, all of them. Every single word, every single page, some more than once.

I found them EXTREMELY helpful. They were lifesaving really.

My husband has HORRIBLE self-esteem, he's finally finding it-due in great part to reading that information.
He's also EXTREMELY possessive and insecure, that too is finally settling down for in, due in large part to reading that information.

PLEASE-before you lose your temper here, understand, that some of us have spent HOURS, DAYS, MONTHS, YEARS struggling through exactly the issues you are talking about, searching in vain for something somewhere that talks about how to fix it, and then found those answers finally and put them into practice.

If any of us come across as just saying "do this it works" it's probably because we're trying to save you from the "searching in vain" step we struggled through.

You can look through my history of posts and see that I spend a LOT of time helping people find answers for their specific situations. Lots of my time actually.

I have had people contact me who never did post on the board-because they read my posts and felt like they could trust me to be insiteful, caring, sincere and also honest is my suggestions and replies.

I'm not the kind of person to dismiss ANYONE's feelings-even if I don't agree with them.
I am however of the habit of giving the best concrete, simple suggestions that have the best chance of making a permanent, productive, lifechanging, lasting solution.

If it came off as careless or dismissive to you-I ask you to please re-read what I wrote and consider the possibility that not only are you emotional about your husband, but you are defensive as well.

;)

I am unfortunately doing "double duty" right now. (crazy manic 2 year old running back and forth energetically while hubby is trying to nap! EEK)

I am usually very long-winded in my posts!

I was just trying not to overwhelm the OP since I was the "first responder".

Please feel free ANYONE who is new that see's this-if you don't understand me, or think I may be being careless-just ask!
I'm a friendly sort and never ever ever mind clarifying!
;)

AND
on that note Samaki-
Go ahead and bop me on the head for 1/2 through one post talking to you as though YOU were the OP.

At any rate-you did seem defensive. BUT-we all have those moments and I wasn't (and am not) upset, as I said-I've got a lot going on!
Some days I feel like I'm spinning in a big huge manic circle! Go figure huh?

I hope that I cleared up the confusion-

OP-please do write more. There are lots of us willing and able to talk and give a variety of suggestions and support for you!
 
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Somewhere along my poly path I've heard many, MANY times to go only as fast as the slowest person in the relationships.

This, to me, makes perfect sense. It gives ALL parties a chance to work through any problems they may be having and gives the person who is slower in accepting the situation MORE time to come to grips with what ever they're having a problem with.

From the get go my boyfriend & I have had the steadfast rule that we WILL close the relationship if there is something in our core relationship which needs fixing. We have done this twice. The first time was when I was having huge jealousy problems with his first relationship other than me. The second time was just after my Mom died so I could grieve without having other people who are precious to us being hit by the shrapnel.

This might be a good way for you to go. Set a reasonable time limit (say three months??? with the proviso that it can be extended if needed) so the two of you can work on your core relationship.

There is absolutely NOTHING which says this girl has to move in with the two of you (that's the way I read what you wrote, I apologize if I'm wrong).

I agree with what LovingRadiance said as well and will give a resounding second to http://www.xeromag.com. I have used this site many times and recommended it to countless others.

Until you can get to your therapist just remember to breathe. Go outside and enjoy some nature in the form of the birds singing, the flowers blooming and the sun setting (or rising), or whatever it is you do to find peace within yourself. Find some peace within your soul. When you've had your 15 minutes of peace and quiet you will be better able to look at your situation more objectively and maybe see a solution, or partial solution, where before all you saw was a brick wall.
 
I appreciate the responses. I am also a very emotional person and have felt like I have lost control of my emotions. I think having some feedback from somewhere else has helped me feel less emotional, in a good way. I realize i should have spoken with a bit more clarity to a better picture of our situation and more detail.

We both have actually read quite a bit about polyamory, and it is in my nature to think of the worst possible scenarios. I personally did not feel as if I had much control of how the situation was approached. I vented my concerns constantly about the other woman involved and who wasn't aware of what was going on. I wish I had approached the situation more assertively as I tend to take a backseat and let others decide things for me. Ultimately, I am responsible for myself, and I can accept that.

We thought this woman would be good for both of us. Her personality brings out certain qualities of ourselves. We were going into this thinking of building a family unit. I think things have just moved too fast and under a bad circumstance for me to handle without letting my emotions get the best of me.

I guess I am so emotional because I am normally a very safe person and I don't like to take unnecessary risk and this other woman is much more spontaneous than I. My husband is an intelligent man but I felt he was being so reckless and inconsiderate having unprotected sex with this woman.

Him and I were our first and only until this situation, so perhaps I am just feeling jealous but I feel kind of violated.
 
You should be upset about the unprotected sex.

Has she had an recent, within the last six months, STD test? Was it negative?

Unprotected sex is something which requires serious, unemotional, discussion (many times over) before it becomes fact. It sounds like it wasn't discussed?????
 
I may be writing out of turn, but your husband's behavior concerns me somewhat. I wish that he had shown deeper understanding of what feelings you might have in response to the new GF. If you were accurate in describing his preoccupation with her, then I would wish that he had instead taken special care during that stressful time to show that YOU are the most important woman in his life.

I personally did not feel as if I had much control of how the situation was approached.
Click to expand...

When you don't have control in a central area of your life it's not unusual to feel frightened, angry, depressed. I agree with others: you should find a way to make your wishes heard and have your needs met -- your need for loving security in particular.
 
LovingRadiance said:
FIRST-stop focusing on the EMOTIONS you are feeling and start focusing on your LONG TERM GOALS.
Second-make a list of what you absolutely NEED.
Third-make a list of things you would PREFER.
Fourth-make a list of 5 things you can do today to start pursuing the effort to get the things on your list.
Fifth-stop and think about what it is you are doing. THINKING something sounds "fun" is not the same as REALLY considering ALL OF THE POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES.
Click to expand...
samaki82 said:
I've never heard such generic, self-advertising crap in my life. I really hope she doesn't take this advice to heart.
Click to expand...

LR's (sound) advice was based on behavior and plans as a method to overcome emotional reactions.

samaki82 said:
I can't say that I've been in that type of situation and I'm new to this whole thing as well,
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LR's been in a very functional poly relationship for what, 12 years? No offence samaki, but before you say someone is full of generic, self-advertising crap, it may be useful to find out whether she knows what she's talking about. I've only been on this forum for a couple months, but I've already seen that LR knows her shit. I'm sorry, but anyone who has had the same two partners for 12 years, while raising children, undergoing health issues, and thriving while doing it, is more than qualified to give any advice she bloody well wants to!!

I also don't see the "self-advertising" part... where did she say "Read my book about how to have a poly relationship" ? She suggested an action plan to get past the emotional flailing that the original poster was doing. The simple act of making a plan can do wonders for the psyche and help emotions get under control. What good does it do to wallow?

And generic advice is better than no advice. You can't give specific advice when you don't know someone personally. Not only that, but anyone can come along and read generic advice and find something useful in it, not just the OP.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
LR's (sound) advice was based on behavior and plans as a method to overcome emotional reactions.


LR's been in a very functional poly relationship for what, 12 years?
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Actually, I think they've been living together for 12 years but have only been in a "very functional poly relationship" since last September, if I have managed to keep my stories straight (not that it makes that much difference when it comes to what she said earlier in this thread).

LR, will you please refresh us all regarding your "credentials"? The abridged version will do just fine!
 
Nelara said:
We were going into this thinking of building a family unit.

My husband is an intelligent man but I felt he was being so reckless and inconsiderate having unprotected sex with this woman.
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When someone is cheating on a partner, that's a huge red flag. It proves that she's dishonest, reckless, and not too concerned with the emotions of the other people in her life. Is that the kind of person you want to bring into your family?

Unprotected sex is a majorly serious relationship-offense. You have the right to be safe in your relationship, and your husband has jeopardized your safety. You have every right to be upset, even angry, and feel violated over this.

You mentioned that she broke up with her girlfriend and has no where to go. As sad as that may be, it's honestly not your problem. She's an adult and it's her own responsibility to find living arrangements. It's hugely unfair for her to break up with her house-mate under the assumption that you'll just take care of her. I've had friends who were students and broke up with their live-in partners, and ended up with 3 days to find a place to live, while going to school and only working a few hours a week, in a city with extremely low vacancy. So it can be done. Having no other choice can be extremely motivating!
 
@Nelara (((hugs)))

Hey, welcome. I'm sorry that you're in such a stressful situation.

That moment when you cross over from reading about poly to practicing it is a wild moment, even in the best of circumstances. When it goes the way yours did, I just want to hug you. (((Nelara)))

If I were in your shoes, I'd do a few things. You don't have to do any of them, of course, but if it helps...

My first step, for practicality and peace of mind, would be to demand an STD test from your husband in a few months (because it takes that long for some STDs to show up), and to only have protected sex with him until results came back clean (or the STD that shows up has been treated and you feel comfortable renewing unprotected sex).

I'd also talk with your husband about closing the relationship (no outside sexual/romantic connections) for at least a few months while you sort yourselves out. This would include not allowing the woman you mentioned to move in, regardless of her living situation difficulties. In your shoes, I would insist firmly on both points.

From there, there's two separate relationships that need working on: yours with your husband, and the future potential for poly connections (possibly including this woman, if you all agree on it later).

I honestly don't know how to advise working on your relationship with your husband. If either of my life partners had outside unprotected sex while ignoring me and my concerns, I'd consider it grounds for ending the relationship... BUT I can't advise you to leave or stay, because I'm not there and I don't know either of you. That's something you have to work out for yourself.

If/when you get to the point where you want to talk about poly again, I'd recommend figuring out what you envision poly being for you. You can freewrite, or use a tool like LR's lists, above, or the list of potential poly agreements in The Ethical Slut (pages 154-155, revised edition), or this relationship disclosure form:
http://everything2.com/title/Poly+Geek+Relationship+Disclosure+Form

Make your husband do it too, and compare what you've written. Find where you're on the same page, and where you're not. Remind him of the poly adage to go at the pace of the slowest member, and don't be afraid to ask him to slow down if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Once you've gotten out of the first steps, if you're comfortable with it you might want to spend time with the woman-- but not sexually! Go out for coffee, and get to know each other.

No matter what, you are so brave for sharing on here. Thank you for it. Keep posting-- we're here for you.

In cahoots,
~S
 
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