Feeling passed over...

CrowRaven7889

New member
I'm not sure if I'm being totally rational so some neutral outside perspective would help me out.

There is an artist that I've been talking about with my newer partner since we started dating. He's seen this artist live a number of times with his other partner and talked about how awesome she is and how he'd love to take me to see her. I really love her material and have never seen her perform live before.

Well, come to find out that she's going to playing locally this summer. But my partner wants to take his other partner instead of me because "she'd be mad" if he took me. I suggested going as a group with my other partner too (he'd also like to see her but his enthusiasm isn't at the same levels) and that wasn't acceptable to her either apparently.

I'm really hurt over this and feel like I was passed over for something that I really wanted to do with him. This was important to me. I know that's not totally rational but he's seen this artist with his other partner a number of times and I can't understand why this is a big deal or why she refuses to do it as a group.

As an aside, she gets mad and/or upset whenever he does anything with me. For awhile I thought he wasn't taking care of her but I'm really just starting to think that she's emotionally unstable and irrational.

Anyways, am I justified in feeling passed over/left out over this?
 

Marcus

Well-known member
As an aside, she gets mad and/or upset whenever he does anything with me. For awhile I thought he wasn't taking care of her but I'm really just starting to think that she's emotionally unstable and irrational.

Anyways, am I justified in feeling passed over/left out over this?

You were passed over because someone elses jealousy trumped your desires. While this is the case, it doesn't really get you anywhere.

What is more relevant is how you feel about associating with this kind of dynamic? It sounds like you are a "secondary" partner and his other partner has VETO rights regarding your relationship. Only you can decide whether or not you want to be involved in this kind of situation.

Once you've had a frank discussion with him about your expectations all you can do is listen to his stance and decide what you want to do from there. You can't (nor should you want to) control anything about his other relationship so all you can do is decide what to do with *your* relationship with him.

Personally that kind of relationship would get their walking papers from me, but everyone has to decide that for themselves.
 
Why not just go with your other partner and if you see "him and her" there, just say "hi" and move on?

I mean, yeah, you're getting trumped but why not be proactive and go see this artist, with or without "him".:confused:
 

nycindie

Active member
Are you hearing only from him that she always gets mad and doesn't want you to go, or have you ever gotten this info directly from her? If it's only from him, that is hearsay, and you could just ask her yourself. He might be exaggerating her reaction if he is the type who wants to always avoid conflict or making a decision. Or he could be "protecting" this activity, to keep it as something special just between them, and blames her so he doesn't have to tell you. Ultimately, you don't need either one's permission if you want to go - you are a grown-up, right?

If I were you, I just tell them both, "I'll be there with ___ and am really excited about it! Hopefully, we can all hang out together, but if you want private time, I understand. Maybe we can meet up afterwards!"
 
As an aside, she gets mad and/or upset whenever he does anything with me. For awhile I thought he wasn't taking care of her but I'm really just starting to think that she's emotionally unstable and irrational.



Does that partner really want to go with you, or are they indifferent and just find it easier to go with their other partner? I have to assume his other partner really likes the artist too since they keep going to see her. I have a band I've seen with one partner year after year, and while I'd go with other loves that like them, if this partner expressed an interest in going as my date, I'd probably give them first dibs. Also, yeah on what nycindie said.

The quoted part above was to point out this... maybe she's irrational, but "emotionally unstable" seems like an excessive descriptor to throw out about somebody unless you say they're texting you and saying weird stuff, or causing scenes. Maybe shes got issues with her partner dating you, maybe not, but I'd say your shared partner might want to learn to keep shit to himself and do a better job so you're not having to go around feeling like somebody has a problem with you. It's not good shared partner behavior to let problems from one relationship spill over so much into another that you know that she's unhappy regularly about your plans. I've just been seeing people throw around "emotionally unstable" a lot lately, and I'm guessing your partner has some habits that might be contributing to any angst your metamour is feeling. It's a dick move to tell somebody "so and so would be mad" it's a good move to say "I don't think so because so and so loves going with me to see this artist, so I think I'd rather just do that, but I'll give you a hug if I see you there"

No idea how long you've been dating, that would be somewhat relevant to what I'd say about this. That said, if I was in this situation, I'd have a talk about things that are important to you, things you want to do with him, and see if there are other hobbies/interests you can share with him, even if he does them with your metamour sometimes. If not, then I'd be thinking hard about how happy I could be long term in a relationship where somebody didn't want to share that stuff with me sometimes, even if their other partner loves the same activity.
 
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